Lament of the Fallen Leaves
by Lord of Judgement
Summary: One autumn night she met a demon in flesh and a demon in will and since then her life had never been the same. A story of finding pride, one's place in a chaotic world, and something worth dying for. Japan, 1863-1869. Historical. Dark. Hijikata/OC.
1. Demon

**Summary: **One autumn night she met a demon in flesh and a demon in will and since then her life had never been the same.

**Warning**: blood, graphic violence, explicit content, dark themes.

**Rating**: R. (_For a good reason_)

**Pairings**: Hijikata/original female character. Although don't expect it to be like the anime... ugh, like srsly, no.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Hakuouki _world, story or characters.

**Author's Note: **This is a story which instead of Chizuru (whom I hated, sorry) features an original female character whom I intend to explore and develop as the story progresses. Characters are somewhat based on the anime/game, however, historical facts will be greatly expanded upon.

Haiku (hokku) translations are done by me from Russian since I do not know Japanese so all inaccuracies are on me.

**If you find certain events and names confusing, I suggest reading my review-response, posted under my alias on chapter 1.**

* * *

**LAMENT OF THE FALLEN LEAVES**

"_Even butterflies,_

_Burning in a candle flame_

_All yearn for something." (Hijikata Toshizou)_

_**I. Demon**_

The story began when the leaves fell. Autumn leaves fell heavily, with a certain determination to end their journey on the ground, even as the wind twirled them they longed to land, abandoned and idle, under the feet of a chance passerby and pitiful they were. Cherry petals were light, short-lived, but in their frailty they promised hope, for as they fell, they soared upwards, defying their predetermined fate. Sakura bloomed in late spring, which marked the beginning of summer, and Akiha always felt that their death did not pass in vain, for it heralded the coming of life, by virtue of gentle sadness it gave birth to overwhelming joy. Autumn leaves only heralded withering.

It was a gloomy September night and first leaves fell in Kyoto. The sky was frowning all day, but as the sunlight waned, it relented, baring the saffron yellow and indigo colors of dusk. After her arrival to Kyoto, Akiha lived with a tailor who was acquainted with her father through doctor Matsumoto, and upon seeing that the weather was about to change, he told her to dress up as a young page as she often did to avoid attention and sent her to Mibu village to remind Serizawa of his debt for haori and hakama he ordered for his roshi ('Don't call him anything but Serizawa-sensei,' Hirama-san admonished her before her departure although she hardly needed a lesson in politeness). The man himself was rumored to be of foul temper, violent and impetuous, but he suited the taste of some bureaucrats who deemed him to be the man required for such duty by the tumultuous times. Others, however, strongly disapproved of his conduct as the infamy of the Shinsengumi threatened to sully the name of the daimyo who provided them protection and funding. To Akiha it made no nevermind that she were to meet such a man and light-blue uniforms remained but a distant, innocuous memory since she had seen them in the streets of Kyoto once or twice during hot and dusty summer months. No, it would not be correct to say that she paid no heed to the recent events, which would be hard even if she wasn't by nature bestowed with great curiosity – the image of a sumo wrestler, towering above the Westerner dressed in foreign clothes, with a beard and fat little hands, doubled up with pain on the ground in a humiliating pose, disturbed her imagination – however, insight was not required of her. Heading to the Yagi residence that afternoon, she feared only the possibility of returning home late and could not even in the wildest of dreams imagine that her life would never after that night be the same.

Upon arrival, she was met by a samurai of unremarkable appearance who asked her to wait for Serizawa. Watching leaves fall, Akiha sat on the wide wooden porch and marveled at the tranquility of the evening. Whilst the girl waited, forgotten by her hosts, the weather decided to change abruptly once again, biting wind arose, wafted the clouds, it seemed, from all ends of the earth, whispered something soothing into her ears and rain came down in heavy torrents. Shivering from cold, Akiha wrapped herself in her kimono and shriveled by the door. She regretted she didn't head home earlier. Soon, however, hurried footfall was heard, heavy scuffle and light, quick patter of many feet, and she stirred, shaking off numbness. A dark shadow of a man flitted by, flaps of his kimono and his long hair flying in the wind, there was a sound of a sliding door opening and voices rang from the opposite side of the yard. The argument did not last long and blood froze in her veins as clangs of steel reached her ears. Akiha pressed a palm to her mouth and attempted to crawl away from the commotion, but fear and morbid curiosity rooted her to the spot. Suddenly voices sounded like a peal of thunder, the turmoil grew more chaotic and a small crowd poured into the yard where Akiha could finally discern in pale moonlight five men armed with swords or, rather, the four attackers who were men and their opponent who was a demon not only in strength and speed, defending himself with ease against skilled warriors, but also in appearance. His hair was white as that of a man, ennobled by years, and his eyes glowed bloody red from insatiable lust which seemed to devour his very sanity. Akiha bit her palm to stifle a shriek, which would have escaped her lips and attracted attention of the demon, but it was an illusion for even if she yelled and leaped to her feet, they would neither take notice of her nor cease an alluring dance of death in which they were wholly engrossed.

And then all of a sudden a youthful voice screamed, "Serizawa-san!" and a dark-haired boy rushed towards the commotion, a new and unexpected intruder who seemed to have interrupted a sacred ritual. "Serizawa-san! Please, don't fight them! What are you doing?.. Please!" A middle-aged man in an unobtrusive kimono seized him by his shoulders and in desperation the youth wriggled in his embrace. "Let go of me, Inoue-san! Why? Why is this happening?"

Serizawa, the man who owed her father's acquaintance money, was a demon! An unthinkable revelation it would seem at first, but Akiha _knew_ she was in her right mind, for his wounds healed like hers, instantly, leaving but a faint scar. What did it mean? Her heart was beating vehemently, her thoughts were in utter disarray.

The fighting momentarily ceased, but poses of every samurai were strained and the lull seemed fragile. The demon raised his sword and replied mockingly, showing no fright for himself or for the young boy – a servant, perhaps – who expressed concern for his fate, "What? A cur showed up! And I thought you were but a disloyal stray dog!"

"Idiot! Ibuki, why the hell did you have to come here?" One of the participants of the fight inquired loudly.

The youth, Ibuki, managed to shake off the older man and, weakened by the struggle, fell into the puddle of rainwater. "I am begging you to stop!"

Flinging away one of the attackers as though he was an importunate puppy, Serizawa, as he was, dressed only in a white night gown, approached the youth whom he addressed harshly and contemptuously, bent over his pitiful figure and clenched his fingers around his throat.

"The idea of a wretch like you saving my life... makes me sick with disgust!"

"Why? I don't understand any of you at all!" Wheezed Ibuki.

Akiha saw something wolfish in Serizawa's countenance and his grip on the youth slackened. "Live, cur!" He changed his mind just as suddenly. "Live and then you might understand us one day." He straightened and daringly glared at his main opponent, the long-haired warrior who moved with grace and speed and unmatched adroitness. "Why are you holding back, Hijikata? As you are now, you will never surpass me. You have long ways to go before you can become the true demon."

They crossed their swords, exchanging a few blows, and once again Serizawa gained an upper hand, pressing Hijikata until he, in spite of his rage, took a step backwards. The sheer strength of a demon overpowered even his will.

"Shut up! It's not a matter of whether I can or not, I _will_ become one!" There was anger in his voice and so they froze, their swords locked, their feet firmly planted into the liquid dirt.

It was a telltale sign for his comrades who pounced upon Serizawa from both sides, both of their blades repelled so swiftly neither could recover, but however quick his movements were, he was left exposed, his unbuttoned gown slipped awry, baring his chest, inviting Hijikata to strike, and he without delay availed himself of that opportunity, thrusting his katana into the demon's heart.

Akiha let out a sigh, only now having become aware that she held her breath. Her heartbeat was as the sound of loud drums in her ears and she hadn't realized her sigh was in truth a scream until Hijikata's figure emerged out of darkness, startling her. His face, quite handsome in such proximity, was all spattered with blood and lined with sweat. Whilst the battle lasted, the rain had subsided to a light drizzle and Akiha thought of fleeing, however, his sharp glance, in which no sentiment of pity was reflected, stole the remains of her courage.

"I won't speak of what I have seen tonight, I swear," she prattled although no one asked her a single question.

"Who are you? What are you doing here?"

"Is something the matter, Hijikata-san?"

"I may well be damned if it isn't a girl," replied the stranger in the same somewhat coarse manner, however, he did not hasten to sheathe his bloody sword, still holding it threateningly. "And she had seen everything... What a nuisance."

The overwhelming fright she felt was alleviated by the sound of his voice although his words did not augur well; if he spoke to her, he did not intend to kill her at once and Akiha was not going to wait until he would. She drew herself to full height and made a polite bow, suspecting she presented a deplorable sight, which if all else failed, would certainly evoke their pity. She knew the samurai; they could be strict and rude and loud, but they weren't without mercy or kindness or...

"Yukimura Akiha," she introduced herself with as much dignity as she could muster up. "I-I did not meant to inconvenience you at all, but my father... no, no, what am I saying? My father's friend sent me to collect money Serizawa-sensei owed us for the uniforms... He is a famous tailor in Kyoto, ask him yourself..."

"You aren't going anywhere," retorted Hijikata. "You damn well know Serizawa is the man who lies dead behind me and with that knowledge we cannot let you go. Don't even think of escaping, I won't hesitate to strike you down."

"What of that boy... Ibuki..." she mumbled with downcast eyes.

Her words reminded him of something and he turned to his comrades, "Okita, Harada, Heisuke, find Saito and impart to him my order to search for Ibuki. I will deal with our unexpected intruder."

She watched them leave in strange silence, hoping at least one of them would mercifully linger behind, but they one by one vanished in darkness until she was left alone with an uninviting interlocutor. His piercing eyes, it seemed, saw through her as though she were transparent, exciting in her an overwhelming desire to sink into the ground. But the longer he stared, the less intimidating he appeared and eventually she dared raise her head.

"What will happen to that boy?"

Hijikata compressed his lips, "What a strange girl you are. Your own fate is undecided and you worry about a stranger you have never seen. But, come inside, have tea with Inoue, you look awfully cold..."

"Perhaps I could talk to Hirama-san who sent me here..."

"No, forget about him. He will be told you are dead."

"But isn't it a bit too cruel?"

If there was sympathy in his voice a moment before, it was like a clank of steel now, "Cruel... what you have seen tonight is a secret entrusted to us by the shogunate to protect with our lives. Many have died already and many more will before it is over. Is duty cruel? Perhaps... But you haven't seen the true cruelty yet."

He turned, intending to leave, and it was then that she found courage to ask the question which had been on her mind, "Will you let me live?"

"It isn't my decision to make, but if you do something as foolish as run or lie about your true intentions, I will not hesitate. Until tomorrow, however, there is little more to be done, so if you do not want to freeze in cold wind, follow Inoue."

Inoue appeared like a silent shadow behind her shoulder and Akiha obediently dragged her feet after him, having decided to leave all worrisome questions for the following day.

…The morning came, however, and brought no relief. Many members of the Shinsengumi left to patrol the streets of Kyoto, others locked themselves in a room, discussing heatedly matters which hardly concerned her or so Akiha thought, having rightly concluded that they had more important troubles to worry over than her life. Around noon Inoue brought her food, but they barely talked for he refused to answer any of her inquiries. The next hours Akiha spent, looking around the barren room she was stranded at, fighting a rising wave of desperation and thinking of a way to escape when the feeling of nauseating anxiety slackened its grip for a short while. But she could think of nothing. A shadow loomed outside her room, moving from time to time as the samurai stretched his numb limbs, and she had no hope of leaving her room unnoticed. They didn't tie her, they didn't touch her kodachi, of which she had utterly forgotten until then, but the gesture reeked of mockery rather than courtesy – run, little girl, laughed a malignant voice in her ears, the voice of helplessness, fight and they will kill you for your indolence and disobedience with clear conscience.

The sun was setting when the Shinsengumi leaders finally sent for her. Akiha entered the room and inimical glances followed her from the door to the corner where she settled, having fixed her eyes on the floor as if the polished wood presented a very curious sight. The room smelled of aloes wood and sweat, but the latter was faint. For a few moments silence reigned, as the senior members and captains scrutinized her, and then Kondou Isami introduced himself in a surprisingly kind manner.

"I understand that you involuntarily eavesdropped on us yesterday. Your name is Yukimura Akiha, isn't it?" He added.

"That would be my name, Kondou-san. It wasn't my intention to inconvenience you in any way, but my father's..."

"Toshi," a nod in the direction of the familiar samurai with long dark hair, "already told me your story and circumstances which led to your intrusion last night. At first, tell us if there are any relatives of yours that we should be concerned about. You see... you will be staying with us for a while. How long? I do not know, but as I am sure you have been told, we cannot let you go immediately."

"No, I don't have anyone. I lived with my father in Edo until he disappeared about three months ago. Yukimura Kodo is his name... Perhaps you heard of him in passing. He is a renowned doctor."

"Yukimura Kodo..." mused a man who wore glasses. "How odd... he is the one who urged us to research Water of Life. It is the substance which turns a man into a fury. Serizawa-san of whom we disposed the night before caused us hassle when he became one. Furies are faster and stronger than an average samurai and their wounds heal instantly."

"That demon I saw, it was a fury? You knew my father? How?" Questions escaped her lips before she could curb her curiosity. "He experimented on people?"

"Ah, yes," unceremoniously interrupted her the Shinsengumi vice-commander. "It is the task the shogunate gave us. Do you know anything about furies since you are related to the very man who brought us Water of Life?"

"I-I..." Mumbled Akiha. "I do not know much, accept my apologies if you counted on my knowledge..."

"Completely useless then," sharply and contemptuously concluded Hijikata.

"No, I believe I can help you even if we do not find my father. My blood... I do not know what the Water of Life is, except that it gives you powers I possess somehow without having ever drunk it." She reached for her kodachi and a young man with piercing green eyes leaped to his feet at once, unsheathing his sword.

"Don't even think of it, brat!"

"Calm down, Souji," Kondou conciliatory outstretched his arm. "There is a dozen samurai in this room against one girl with a _knife_."

"Yeah, you overreacted, Souji," remarked a tall broad-shouldered youth with a spear. "Come to think of it, you didn't do well against that boy, Ibuki, either when you let him fall into the river."

"Sano, Souji, cut it! Let her speak."

Akiha's hands trembled when she took her kodachi out of sheath and made a clean cut across her wrist. Blood trickled down her fingers, but before she even felt a prick of pain, edges of the wound closed and she shook her healthy hand. "It heals at once... it always did."

"Unbelievable..." whispered a man with glasses whose name, as she later found out, was Sannan Keisuke. "There is no way we can let you go now."

"B-but you won't kill me either, will you?"

"Kill you?" Kondou roared with laughter. "Is it how you threaten little girls nowadays, Toshi? Don't mind him, Yukimura-chan, he has a morbid sense of humor."

Somehow she felt Hijikata did not speak those words in jest, but aloud she did not say a word.

"We will give you a small room to stay at and we will feed you well. You should not be worried about any enemies you might have had, but you are not permitted to leave the Yagi residence." Sannan adjusted his glasses on the bridge of his nose. "We cannot promise to entertain you either and you should stay out of our way. But you are allowed to talk to any of us when we are not on patrol should you require anything or should you desire to dispel your boredom. The owner of this estate is a cheerful humble man... You will also out of precaution put on an unobtrusive kimono which all of our recruits wear. We should be able to find you a spare one."

"Can I search for my father?"

"This is out of the enquiry!" Hijikata frowned and she understood it was not a good moment to ask for favors.

"I suppose I don't have a choice."

"You don't," calmly stated a youth who heretofore remained silent and of whose presence she did not take notice until he spoke. He wasn't tall or imposing, rather, slender and willowy, he didn't speak brashly, but in his appearance there was something deadly. It was the captain of the Third Unit, Saito Hajime. "I am sure you need time to ponder over the changes in your life alone and we will not keep you here any longer."

It was a polite way to dismiss her, but Akiha was not foolish enough to think she was offered an option to stay. She made a bow and left the room, intending, for the lack of a different way to spend her time, to follow Saito's advice and think of her future. It seemed cheerless and unattractive, but at the same time the conversation inspired her with faint hope that in the end something good would come out of this predicament. Yet, sitting in solitude, Akiha could but think about the battle she witnessed and she was no longer certain whom to consider a demon, Serizawa who became a fury or Hijikata who nonetheless better fit the image of a creature, which willed itself to manifest in the real world from a feverish dream.


	2. Wolves of Mibu

_**II. Wolves of Mibu**_

Winter came suddenly. The day before, it seemed, fallen leaves rustled on the ground, the wind which blew from the west was strong yet still warm and then on a cold, crispy night a white blanket covered the whole city of Kyoto and the river froze. The Yagi residence suffered the same fate and soon low porches and courtyards drowned in white billows.

Akiha did not waste those months, learning as much as she could about the daily life of a group as extraordinary as Shinsengumi and attempting to join that life smoothly, in spite of being but an unwelcome intruder. Her attempts, however, were met if not with hostility then without any enthusiasm and it was indifference that discouraged her the most. They trained together, ate and slept together, even studied together – a lot of them were educated and literate and there were persistent rumors afloat that Hijikata wrote poetry – therefore among them, so unified by a singular purpose of preserving peace, she felt like an outcast. She was not allowed to join any of their activities at first, but after the Mito faction, formerly led by Serizawa, was subdued and Noguchi Kenji committed seppuku, remarkably so, she was invited to a common room for dinner. Heretofore she ate with Yagi's family members. The times were confusing, chaotic and lingering mistrust towards her was explained by the lack of unity which plagued not only the country, but the shogunate itself. Imperial loyalists stubbornly adhered to the slogan of _sonno joi*_, among whom Choshu were the most zealous, perpetrating many acts of cruelty towards foreigners, shogun's retainers and those who supported them, for which and the radicalism of their views they were exiled from the court. However they did not leave Kyoto, having resorted to inciting violence among ronin and other dishonorable lot. The more paranoid members of the Shinsengumi fancied Choshu spies to be everywhere and a few incidents occurred when they mistook innocent men for criminals. The bakufu was torn from within. Following the arrival of Commodore Perry, a deep rift appeared among the daimyo, who were in a state of disagreement with each ever since Tokugawa Ieyasu strictly branded them as insiders or outsiders, as _fudai_ and _tozama_, concerning the course of politics they were to assume towards foreigners. The chairman Hotta Masayoshi agreed to open the ports to international trade while Tokugawa Nariaki had long embraced the anti-foreigner sentiments and fiercely opposed the Treaty. The roots of social discontent receded to the events older than any living man, events which transpired centuries ago, events which have set the shogunate onto a straight path from which there was no turning anywhere. The words of Fujita Toko and Honda Toshiaki resounded with unprecedented strength. The government was castigated as weak, inflexible and obsolete, and each time Akiha tried to grasp the grandiose scale of the struggle, not only did she seem small and insignificant to herself, but so did men like Kondou or Hijikata, which frightened her even more.

And yet unfaltering they remained in their goal to serve the shogunate, regardless of which politics it were to adopt. If she had hope to find a rock of solace in the raging storm, it was, ironically, among the very men who at first threatened to bereave her of it.

Akiha rarely saw them during the day when they were preoccupied with their duties, administrative or law-enforcement, or in the evening when they gathered in a casual atmosphere to converse about the state of affairs. Sometimes she overheard Hijikata and Kondou arguing about the assassination of Tairo Li Naosuke or the catastrophic collapse of ryo, and she felt herself a shadow aimlessly passing through dark corridors and moonlit gardens.

Heisuke, the youngest captain, quickly became her friend. Perhaps, the eagerness with which they formed a bond of friendship they owed to their closeness in age, but Akiha could not shake off a strange feeling that the youth, while obviously not an unwelcome nuisance like her, was nevertheless an outcast among other captains. During long autumn evenings, he would tell her stories from the days before they joined the Mibu Roshi, but in them his role always seemed insignificant and Akiha could have sworn, his words reeked of bitterness or jealousy. Unlike most of the captains and even vice-commanders, he joined the Shieikan dojo late, training in the same style as Sannan until the latter was defeated by Kondou, hence his connection with the vice-commander seemed the strongest. Heisuke always described him as a kind and amiable man of many virtues whereas at Hijikata or even at the commander himself he could fling a few critical or mocking remarks.

Akiha listened to her only friend with avid curiosity, asking him many questions about the habits and tastes of people she lived with. Once, sipping green tea, she wondered what would anger or annoy them and Heisuke gave her the most astounding answer yet.

"Among us, Saito and Kondou are the most unpretentious people. Don't argue with the commander about bushido or his attitude towards Westerners and you'd think he is the kindest soul you've ever met. Saito loves his favorite food hence you should not touch it if you don't wish to provoke him into anger. The rest of us..." He laughed, stretching himself. "You'll probably never meet a bunch as different and whimsical as us. Hijikata and Souji are the worst... but amongst those two Souji is worse. Don't let him fool you by his careless attitude and jocose manners. When it comes to sword fighting, you will hardly find a samurai who takes the art more seriously than Souji. Don't ever ask him who between him and Saito is the strongest. Don't ever speak ill of Kondou in his presence. If you wish to know what happened between them back at the dojo, you'll have to ask the commander himself. No one else will tell you a word, fearing his retribution." Heisuke grimaced and Akiha did not understand whether he was exaggerating or not. "Also don't ever ask him about a girl he had back at the dojo. I only heard a few nasty rumors... "

"What of Inoue?"

"He is just stubborn, that's all. Sano and Shinpachi are both restless hotheads like me. Oh, I forgot, don't ever tease Okita-kun about his drinking habits unless of course you dream to meet a quick and honorable death... As for Hijikata, I heard many things, but which of them are true and which are not..." There was a long awkward pause before Heisuke spoke again. "I wouldn't recommend calling him Toshi to his face, however. That's Kondou's privilege and even his geisha isn't allowed to call him by this name. And don't ask him whether his favorite wakizashi is a forgery. He doesn't like any hints of inferiority to the noble samurai due to his lower status."

"Is it true that cut off the pinkie of a man who dared call him Toshi?"

"No, that's probably not true at all although Hijikata from time to time insists it is. But don't ever believe everything that man says! When he is drunk, he'll tell you his blade is drenched in blood of a hundred samurai... A hundred! What nonsense!"

Akiha laughed, covering her mouth with a palm, and threw a quick, playful glance at the youth who slightly blushed and looked away. "You still haven't told me much about yourself..."

"I am not interesting, that's all," he mumbled and refused to elaborate no matter how hard she tried to cajole him to talk.

There were many others whose names and ranks she did not retain in her memory and their numbers swelled. One night to the monotonous patter of rain against the roofs, Akiha decided she wanted to become a member herself, but the idea, although it found a fervid response in her heart, seemed quite mad. She was a girl and a doctor's daughter which made her a commoner, not even a farmer. Nevertheless she could at least dream of wearing a light-blue haori and do something useful with her otherwise seemingly pointless existence. It burdened her, the pointlessness. The following morning she headed to Hijikata's quarters and before he left somewhere (whereto she did not know because he obviously did not deign to report to her), she with an innocent smile asked if he could teach her to defend herself. Akiha pondered over the explanation carefully and argued that if it was expected of a woman to commit ritual suicide, the least she could learn is to defend herself and her honor. She did not ask much, only for a few lessons with her kodachi so that it would not be a useless weight on her obi, but he flatly and coldly refused to listen to her. With optimism so characteristic of her, she concluded that the conversation could have gone much worse and that she shouldn't abandon hope when Saito appeared behind her back, a thick tress of dark hair neatly thrown over his shoulder and his obi properly tied. She did not hear him approach so quietly he trod.

"You might as well give up on the thought that he would allow you to practice with your kodachi," he remarked and her heart sunk. "But worry not, I understand what you said and I will give you a few lessons myself. What you might learn from me coupled with your miraculous healing ability may be enough for you to live."

Akiha could not hide her confusion, "But why?"

"Hey, Saito, why are you wasting time with the brat?" Okita emerged out of the milky mist, half-dressed, and covered a yawn with his hand. "We barely rid ourselves of one, then comes the other... What misfortune!"

Akiha remembered the dark-haired boy who tried to protect Serizawa. He was in the official version of the incident proclaimed dead, but Heisuke insisted that,' his gut told him Ibuki escaped'. "Why do you keep calling me mean names?"

Okita waved his arm, "A brat is a brat, what do you expect of one? You should not take offense at such simple truth."

"She asked me to teach her how to wield her kodachi. I had to force Ibuki to attend any kind of training and she came of her own volition. No, she would never become a great swordsman and it isn't a woman's job to be one, but sincere desire is what matters... Draw your sword and attack me."

Akiha obediently bared her short sword and assumed a fighting stance with almost palpable awkwardness. She vaguely remembered how to hold a sword and which leg to place in front. Warm wind fanned her face, scattered her hair across her shoulders and carried dry leaves across the courtyard on its way to the skies, but she continued to stand motionlessly, frozen in uncertainty and fear.

"Never draw your sword unless you are prepared to strike," Saito repeated with stern notes and she sheepishly nodded her head.

To close her eyes before the fight seemed an awfully foolish idea, but a tempting one; having opened them widely so as not to succumb to that temptation, Akiha took a step forward and as swiftly as she could thrust her kodachi in the direction where Saito stood. There was a blur of dark-blue kimono, a movement she could not discern, and cold steel bit the skin of her neck. She blinked, overcome by perplexity, but a speck of bright sunlight on the impeccably clean blade forced her to look away.

"It wasn't bad... for a girl who never held a sword in her life. However," Saito sheathed his katana and directed his unblinking stare at her, "your stance is too stiff. You need to loosen your shoulders, relax, and your grip..." He sighed. "It's terrible. Souji, bring me two shinai... Or three, if you wish to join us."

"Why not?" Echoed Okita. "I am patrolling on the evening shift. When you are done fighting girls, I'll gladly warm up with you."

The bamboo stick was light and warm and comfortably rested in her hands as she gave it a full swing. Saito frowned, adjusting the way she positioned her fingers on the handle. "You are as stiff as a floor board. Relax!" It sounded more like an order than a polite request and Akiha stooped, desperately trying to understand what was required of her. "That's better, now raise your head and straighten your back, but keep your shoulders loose. I will show you a few techniques of Itto-ryu, practice them by yourself for a few hours every day and you should be fine. But first and foremost, remember to protect yourself all the time, to be patient, and opportunities to strike your enemy will appear."

"Have you always been good with the sword, Saito-kun?"

"My older brother had talent for mathematics," Saito replied with a faraway look, "and I was a gifted swordsman. That's how it had always been, you are right. However, we were similar in our own way... Now, look at me. When the opponent steps forward with his right foot and cuts, you can strike him by moving to the right and cutting him from that side. You understand why to the right, don't you? Good, you might not be utterly hopeless..."

After practicing with Saito for a few hours, Akiha felt fatigued yet extremely content. Okita did not fail to laugh at her uncouth movements, but even his biting remarks did not dampen her spirit. For the first time since the rainy September night, she had a sense of purpose and direction instead of hollow guesses.

Three weeks later the snow fell and with the first snow came grave news. Sannan injured his arm in a skirmish and had to abstain from fighting, which embittered him. He spent most of the time in his room and she rarely ran into him in the corridors, a sad, mournful shadow of a man he had once been. Pity filled her heart when she as much as glanced at Sannan, but he stubbornly refused to meet her gaze, hiding from her as he hid from the rest of the world. He avoided the Shinsengumi when they went to Shimbara. He refused to converse with her, he refused to eat with her, he was rude to everyone, but underneath this silent, self-denying mask Akiha felt agony. Kondou and Hijikata and Saito felt it, too, but neither seemed overly concerned with Sannan's condition. His injury, however, greatly told on Heisuke who would be cheerful and talkative and then all of a sudden fall silent and blankly stare at the wall behind which he imagined Sannan sat in solitude.

It was a cold and snowy February. Little changed in the snowbound landscape with the coming of a new day, but Akiha's life took a sharp turn once again. One morning she was walking by Hijikata's quarters and heard distinct sounds of tumult which awoken her curiosity since on her memory the vice-commander's room had always been quiet. The porch was empty, the door open, and even if she did not strain her ears, she heard a conversation between Kondou, Okita and Saito who were teasing Hijikata about something.

"...Wait, I heard you had poems about night gowns, cherries, rice sprouts and one dedicated to Sannan-san..." Souji was speaking. "Personally, I am more interested in the one about night gowns. Where is it? Let me see... Or perhaps you will spare me the trouble and find it for me yourself."

So it was true, Hijikata did write poetry!

"Give it back, at once!" Bellowed Hijikata and Akiha vividly imagined him, standing in the midst of a fierce fighting, his sword and haori spattered with blood, shouting orders to his comrades in the same deafening, frightening voice.

"No, it was a masterpiece conceived in a mind of a brilliant poet," continued Souji in the same cheerful voice. "Did it read – night gowns hang on a cold winter morning... or sway in a cold morning wind? What profundity of human thought! What imagery..."

"Shut up, Souji!"

"Toshi, is it true?"

"I-I admit to having such a sentiment, but... What does it matter? Don't pretend you understand poetry!"

"Hm, Hijikata-san, claiming we are not educated and literate enough to understand _your_ poetry is quite insulting," chimed in Saito and Akiha had to bite her lip to stifle a giggle which threatened to betray her once again unwelcome intrusion.

Smiling to herself – Wolves of Mibu weren't always wolves – she timidly moved away when a loud clatter was heard, followed by Okita's humorous complaints about a heavy wooden writing case which hurt his toe and a hail of curses from Hijikata, the owner of that broken case out of which fell out and rolled on the floor trinkets, brushes of various sizes and small bottles filled with black ink and afterwards flitted out light pieces of thin rice paper, like twirling snowflakes landing at her feet.

Hijikata darted out of the room, dressed in a simple lilac kimono, his long hair disheveled, and froze upon seeing her. For a moment he looked mortified, then regained his composure and his face darkened.

"What are you doing here?!" His wrath was directed at her and her only, as though she was the single culprit of his misfortunes.

Looking no less mortified, she hastily knelt and picked up the hapless pages, carefully, as though holding something precious extended them to the owner, mumbling an awkward apology, and then her gaze fell onto the top page.

"_Even butterflies, __Burning in a candle flame, All yearn for something,_" Akiha read quietly, but solemnly, having forgotten about the angry vice-commander towering above her.

Heavy silence ensued and she prepared for another outburst, but none followed; instead, he glanced at her with a strange expression on his face and thoughtfully asked her to repeat the reading. After she finished the recitation, he took the pages from her hands and smirked.

"If you still want to be useful, I think I found a perfect task for you."

Days of endless boredom came to an end. After a brief debate, all senior members of the Shinsengumi agreed that she should become a spy in Shimbara and found a loyal Mother who accepted her as a maiko. She were to be on a lookout for radical Choshu who frequented those parts. Akiha thought her heart would flit out of her chest, like a bird, from overwhelming joy when she realized she was about to enter that mysterious and alluring world which she with envy hitherto observed only from a distance. A young samurai was appointed to look after her for her protection and to prevent her from attempting to flee. They rented an expensive crimson kimono for her, adorned with bright-green and purple flowers, a yellow obi and a matching trail. She had to wear make-up and arrange her hair. She discovered she had a talent for singing, flattering and flirting; even when she felt dispirited, she pretended well to be happy, having mastered the art of lies. From then on she rarely saw members of the Shinsengumi, even her friend Heisuke or Sannan, and grew closer to the world of endless merriment, self-indulgence and pleasure.

* * *

* _sonno joi - _political slogan, 19th c. Japan. Meaning: Revere the Emperor, Expel the foreigners.


	3. Poppy tears

**__****III. Poppy tears**

It was during her days as a maiko in Shimbara when Akiha met Niel Adams. He introduced himself as a wealthy trader from Ireland, a mysterious country in the North with misty valleys and ruins of ancient castles on the steep cliffs, against which broke tall foamy waves on a stormy day, and he told her in an intimate voice that he had left his motherland around two decades ago when he was barely ten winters old, accompanying his father as they fled from what would later be known as potato famine. He spent most of his years at sea and his eyes, Akiha thought, were piercing-blue, like the color of a wave, caressed by sunshine. He was a man of cheerful disposition, an opportunist who was not afraid of taking risks, often and eagerly flashed a disarming smile at anyone in his immediate vicinity, laughed with and without a reason, earning thus a reputation of a frivolous soul, and his countenance drew attention of many maiko and geisha. He had pale skin, a determined chin on which from time to time showed red hair, and unruly strands of the same flaming color she had not heretofore seen fell onto his high forehead. He dressed in an odd way, describing his garments to be a white shirt with a turnover collar, a black necktie and breeches, and he carried, instead of a traditional daisho*, a long brown stick he called a rifle, claiming it was the newest American Henry model, a successful purchase upon which he prided himself greatly.

At a teahouse whereto Hijikata and Saito sent her, only the Mother knew of her precarious position as a spy for the Shinsengumi and shogunate with whom she sympathized greatly. Other geisha and maiko, including her onee-san, thought of her as their own and therefore grew jealous of Akiha over the rich client who after a few visits to the teahouse exclusively requested her company.

"Why do you hobnob with foreigners?" Saito asked her once.

He was tasked with attending the teahouse once a week so as to protect her from drunk and importunate guests after her previous ___tailn_was killed in a skirmish with ronin. A deep frown appeared on his forehead, as he spoke, and his countenance was so gloomy that notwithstanding his calm tone, Akiha could feel his disapproval. But she spent so much time in the company of geisha, learning the art of communication, that she felt confident, telling only half-truth spiced with a careless smile.

"I am a maiko, I serve sake and play shamisen for rich bureaucrats and noble samurai. I am considered the impeccable embodiment of beauty and artistic talent, worthy only to be beholden by the Japanese men. Do you understand now, Saito-kun?" She playfully titled her head and stuck out her tongue, as though it was her intention to contradict her own words by behaving in a manner unfit for such '___impeccable embodiment of feminine beauty_' as she had described herself.

"Be careful, Saito, she might outwit you," remarked Hijikata, passing by with a paper, mottled with symbols even the most demanding scribe would find perfect.

"I will gladly lose to you if your design is as intricate and wise as you hint it to be."

"The Choshu are hateful of the Westerners, adhering to the politics of ___sonno joi _with obstinate fanaticism. Seeing how I serve them provokes their displeasure much like yours..."

"It isn't what I..."

"No, Saito-kun, but my favorable attitude to those they hate with such passion causes them to grit their teeth and exchange malignant remarks and throw impatient glances in my direction. The most persistent I will carefully investigate for they out of the whole multitude ought to be Choshu. There are a couple of suspicious regulars I quickly singled out... And promptness is what Kondou-san and Hijikata-san require of me, isn't it?"

"Kondou-san will definitely disprove of your plan once he learns of it. If there is a zealous loyalist in our ranks, it would be him."

"Then don't tell him and he won't know until it won't matter anymore. I won't always be spying on Choshu. And don't worry, I am very careful... I don't want to fail the Shinsengumi."

They exchanged polite bows and agreed not to resume this conversation until Kyoto would be safe. It would seem a perfect reason to spend more time in Niel's company, but soon Akiha became aware of a strong attraction which sparked between them and it was this inexplicable attraction that utterly obscured her mind, drowned the voice of reason and impelled her to stay in the red-lights district five days in a week instead of three.

The red-lights district at that time presented a rather fascinated sight, resembling a moated and walled fortress dedicated solely to pleasure and entertainment. Therein differences became superficial and classes mingled freely, samurai and wealthy merchants, nobles and chonin, for that world was ruled by money. Shimbara had its own fashion and its own rules by which its guests abode. And yet, amidst all that resplendence, the Westerner remained unlike anyone she had ever seen. He spoke in a deep voice with an accent she deemed charming, he was taller than Hijikata who could be regarded as an imposing man, and there was something brash in his manners as he loudly cursed in an unfamiliar and therefore enigmatic language. There certainly were loud samurai in the teahouse, notably those who frequently communed with the spirits, but the foreigner did not need a single drop of sake to behave himself with undue familiarity. He reminded Akiha of free waves which stubbornly rolled in and out, breaking against the sharp stones into myriads of sparkling droplets yet marching onwards nonetheless, unaware of their own mortality. He deemed her beautiful and in his presence she felt beautiful, alive, whereas when she glanced at her reflection alone, she saw only a blank face and a mop of raven-black hair. She could be clumsy, scrubbing the porch, and drop tea cups, but as a maiko she was reborn, like a moth leaving its cocoon, into an embodiment of grace and charm. After a month of mutually pleasant communication, she found herself to be infatuated by the stranger, slipping into a feverish dream without beginning or end, interrupted only by short hours of clarity in his presence. In the Shinsengumi quarters she was a shadow of her own self, but no one noticed the change, besides Heisuke, as Kyoto was on the verge of being consumed by the chaos of the Hamaguri Rebellion. Akiha redoubled her efforts to discover the enemy's intentions, infected with the same impatience and a growing maddening desire to be free once again.

Later she clearly remembered when the thought of escaping with the Westerner had first tempted her. One night she found her crimson kimono with green and violet flowers cut with little scissors and girls suspiciously giggled, as one feigning hurt innocence when inquired about the incident. Outraged and desperate, Akiha sat in her quarters, fighting bitter tears which threatened to fall onto her powdered cheeks and ruin her elaborate make-up. Niel, although reckoned one of the richest clients, was not supposed to see her without her pretty clothes, but he didn't listen to any explanation she could think of. He slid open the door, took her by her hand and together they slipped out of the teahouse into the boisterous street, away from stifling corridors with bengara-colored earthen walls filled with exotic aromas and quiet laments of shamisens. It was a warm evening and after a short trip in a narrow palanquin, they found refuge under a tall tree near the Kamo river, which in bright moonlight threw its shadow sharply against the calm waters. The quiescence seemed otherworldly in the presence of shrines erected by the northern edge of the ancient city, which, however, had greatly expanded since then.

"What does a girl like you do in such a foul place?" Suddenly asked the Irishman.

"I do not know what you speak of," replied Akiha, trying to repress a strange quiver which had consumed her. "I am a maiko, I entertain guests and I can assure you I am not a prostitute. I know little of Western customs, but here our art is not despised, but respected and revered."

"We all know the kind of ___respect _men show for pretty things like you," Niel's blue eyes were smiling. "Your raven hair is like finest silk, your eyes shine like stars and your skin in whiteness rivals the most expensive porcelain."

"I do not deserve such honor, Adams-san."

"Oh, but you do and so much more. Our women seem uncultured in your shadow; uncouth, like unfledged chickens and unsophisticated, like vapid poetry. If I could, I would take you far-far away from here and give you anything you desire. I'd make you my wife and every arrogant and pious gentleman in London would turn green from envy, having laid eyes upon you."

"You unduly flatter me," she responded quietly. "What would you do with a bird in a golden cage? You'd grow tired of its singing and its bright feathers would pall on you, for an exotic bird is valued only when it's free."

"You are a clever bird," he objected and a shadow passed over his face. "Maybe there is truth in what you speak, but I grow old and tired of chasing the likes of you in wilderness. Such amusement captivates callow boys, but a gentleman like me needs his bird in a golden cage to be a delight to his eyes and delectation to his ears."

"You are not old yet," Akiha laughed. "You can ensnare many birds."

He did not listen to her. "Here, try it on. I am willing to speak my Lord's name in vain if it doesn't suit you better than an English lady." He outstretched his hand in which he held an unfamiliar object. "No, I swear, Queen Victoria – bad cess to her! - would not look as impressive in it. Don't be scared, silly... It's just a hat."

The small object resembled an elegant headwear, adorned with black laces, a fluffy feather and a jeweled pin which held it in place.

"I take it that you do not like your Queen," Akiha remarked to hide her embarrassment as she timidly and with awkwardness placed the hat onto her disheveled hair.

"No true Irishman would admit to loving her. Where was she when we suffered from famine? While our children, features sharpened with hunger, ghastly and pale, lay in the dust because they were too weak to rise, begging for an ounce of bread, she was consumed by greed, pouring gold into the war with the Chinese... Ah, forget about her! You look delightful and indeed the stars pale before you!"

"War with the Chinese..." she mumbled, touching the lace on her hat and scrutinizing her reflection in the river. "Why did she declare a war against them? It is so senseless..."

Niel compressed his lips and stared at her, dark passion smoldering deep beneath the deceptively tranquil blue. "I want to take you away from here, Akiha-chan. I want you to be my wife."

That stare left her weak and trembling. "But I..." She could not find words which would justify her rejection. What kept her in Kyoto? She would never find her father if she were with the Shinsengumi and they would not let her go until they repudiate their oath to serve the shogunate. She did not belong with them, after all. She somehow had the blood of a fury in her veins, but she would rather forget about this dark secret than discover the no less frightening truth.

"Think about my offer, my beautiful bird."

"I will," she promised, returning the hat which she could not yet accept much to his dissatisfaction, and as she did so, his hot, strong hands for a heartbeat covered hers.

She certainly was not foolish enough to confide to anyone her relationship with the foreigner and her dreamy state did not evoke anyone's suspicion, or so she had thought. The ever so vigilant Saito confronted her once, but she eluded the conversation because he was urgently asked to investigate something with Okita. However, he was not satisfied and waylaid her in front of her room three weeks before the Hamaguri Rebellion broke out.

"That foreigner you entertain at the teahouse worries me," he said, resolutely placing his palm onto the door so as to prevent her from opening it and escaping into salutary darkness. Akiha felt trapped and helpless, remembering vividly the strength and speed he displayed when teaching her; notwithstanding the lessons she took or the effort with which she learned, she would lose even if he fought her blindfolded. "I do not like the way he looks at you, I see a predator eying a prey, not a noble man looking at a woman he desires."

"And how can you say for certain that he looks at me this way? He never said a single disrespectful word to me or forced me to do anything I did not want to," she whispered, wishing to feel at least a whit of anger or indignation to persist in her opinion, but Saito screaming at her in fury was not as terrifying as Saito when he spoke in that calm cold voice.

"If he harmed you in any way, I would have killed him already. At times, I regret he wouldn't try..."

A shiver went up and down her spine. "Why do you even care?"

"It was entrusted onto me to protect you while you spy for us. My honor as a warrior will be stained if I allow you to be harmed, but at the same time my other duties do not permit me to watch you every day. I must therefore rely on your prudence and sense."

"That's so selfish of you to say..."

"And childish of you," he shrugged and moved away, preserving his composure. Akiha wanted to explain him that his attitude towards the man she loved offended her, but she couldn't think of what to say until it was too late. Lying in her room, alone, she devised many arguments against Saito's groundless claims, but in his presence she would not dare voice them aloud.

Meanwhile, her efforts to expose Choshu spies had finally borne lavish fruit. Shuntara Furutaka, one of the men she suspected of having strong ties with the radicals, was captured and under torture revealed a treacherous intent to kidnap the Emperor, set Kyoto on fire and in the ensuing mayhem lead the rebel troops into the defenseless capital. Even to Akiha, who knew little of warfare, the plan seemed very daring. During an urgent rally in the headquarters, it was decided that the Choshu would hold a meeting to devise countermeasures to Furutaka's capture in one of the usual places they gathered, which were Shikoku inn and Ikeda inn. No one was certain where therefore Kondou and Hijikata divided the available Shinsengumi members into two teams and left to apprehend the traitors. Sannan, due to his injury, stayed behind with her.

"It would be a perfect time for them to attack our quarters," he said bitterly, lighting a candle. "So many despise us these days. The Wolves of Mibu, they call us, blaming us for all their misfortunes, as though it is our fault that we want to put an end to the ronin lawlessness. As if... think of it, why not blame the Choshu?"

The heat of the summer evening was oppressive, dust hung in windless air like a curtain and the chirr of balm crickets was heard from the outside. Strange anxiety seized Akiha, as if the events of the last days were altogether too much for her – maiko's duties, Niel's proposition to escape, schemes of radical Choshu in which she so carelessly became entangled – and she wanted to shrivel somewhere in the corner and cry her little heart out. Then she looked at Sannan-san, who bore his humiliation with silent stoicism, but instead of shame felt a surge of vexation.

"But why do they need to blame anyone?"

"Because it's human nature, Yukimura-chan."

"Haven't you in the same manner blamed Serizawa-san? Has anything changed after you killed him?"

"Serizawa was at fault for a lot of our troubles, but it did not matter who we held responsible. I am certain Kondou-san and Hijikata-san are willing to share that responsibility as well. But the Aizu daimyo thought differently and they carried out his orders."

"Sannan-san," she asked suddenly, "what's so bad about foreigners? They only want to invite us into their world."

The vice-commander twisted his mouth, but he never responded for a door was briskly opened and Yamazaki, a man whose duty was to listen to rumors around Kyoto and investigate them, stepped inside, his features betraying deep worry.

"The conspirators are meeting at Ikeda'ya!" He reported without delay.

"At Ikeda'ya? How could I be so wrong?!" Exclaimed Sannan. "Akiha-chan, I know we asked so much of you already, but I need you to go with Susumi and deliver a message to the vice-commander."

"I am perfectly capable..."

"I know, but if you get into a fight, you will never be at the Shikoku inn on time."

Akiha, in spite of her doubts, wanted to express how grateful she was to the Shinsengumi for giving her shelter, therefore she eagerly agreed to perform what seemed to be a very simple task. She took her kodachi with her and followed Yamazaki into the sweltering windless evening. Once they left the Mibu village behind, darkness, dotted with tremulous yellow lights of lanterns, enveloped her. They ran as fast as they could, passing desolated streets, but chance passersby more and more often caught their eyes as they neared the city center where their behavior attracted unwanted attention. The vicinity of Small Sanjo bridge, alight with fete white and red lanterns, was crowded with people who sought relief in the cool wind which blew from Kamogawa river. No one barred their way and on the crossroads Yamazaki sent her to the Ikeda inn to impart to the commander a request to wait for the reinforcements. But when Akiha, breathing heavily and wiping sweat which abundantly covered her forehead, reached the entrance, she realized she had been too late. A body sprawled in the dust across the entrance door and suddenly she lost all courage and will to go inside and seek out Knodou.

"I am not scared," she whispered to herself, closing her eyes tightly. "I am not scared at all. I must, I must go... I must... not... falter..."

Inside, heavy odor hung in the air, an unfamiliar acrid blend, and another body lay prostrate under her feet over which she stumbled, fell awkwardly forward and involuntarily opened her eyes when her shoulder hit the hard wooden floor. A scream escaped her lips. There were dead bodies on the floor and pools of blood faintly glistened on polished wood. Walls were bespattered with crimson and screen doors were torn. Broken lanterns and abandoned swords, handles clenched in death grips between long, white fingers, supplemented the image of utter destruction. Except one, all corpses were in unremarkable dark kimonos, and among them a body wrapped in a light-blue haori looked foreign. A mad scramble continued upstairs.

Akiha recovered her feet and with palpitating heart took one step forward; only one, for she was certain that if she took another, she would faint from fear. A mortally wounded man outstretched his arm towards her, clenching her ankle, and wheezed something.

"Let me go!" She screamed, rushing blindly towards the staircase. "Kondou-san! Kondou-san!" The desire to flee overpowered her entire being, but Akiha promised... promised... What was her promises worth? Another ronin in a brown kimono emerged from semi-darkness, descended the stairs with an unsteady gait, leaving a bloody trail behind, and collapsed at her feet. At once, the stranger tried to rise, leaning heavily on the handrail.

"Please, help me..." a quiet, desperate whisper reached her ears.

She leaned forward and, having gathered his last strength, the ronin tried to plunge a short sword he held behind his back into her chest. Her body, remembering Saito's lessons, moved away on its own volition as he taught her and before Akiha could think, she swung her kodachi, painting a dark-red stripe across his chest. The samurai, exhausted by the fight, died at once.

"Kondou-san!" Akiha rushed upstairs, but there were only more bodies there and then... "Okita!"

Forgetting her own troubles, she bent over Souji's crooked form. "The reinforcements are coming, just hold on... a little longer..."

"Ah, Yukimura-chan, it seems my luck had run out," he said in an unconcerned voice. "He..." Okita coughed and carmine liquid trickled along his chin. Akiha looked in the direction where he was pointing and only then did she notice a tall, slender man, dressed with immaculate taste, who stood, half-concealed by shadows with an utterly nonchalant expression on his face as though no amount of death and suffering could faze him. His gaze... there was something awful about that pair of bloody-red eyes which regarded her with a faint glimmer of detached interest.

She let go of Souji's head which flaccidly fell backwards and rose, pointing her kodachi at the stranger with sudden resolve – it was as though a foreign will took hold of her body and controlled it contrary to her desires. Akiha's heart was throbbing painfully in her chest and she desperately wanted to run... She must have looked terribly awkward because the stranger with short sand-colored hair smirked, baring a set of white teeth.

"What a brave little creature... This fight does not concern me, but, unfortunately, your companion, for whom you have petty sentiments, drew his sword against me and now I cannot let him go."

Akiha remembered Niel's promises of a happy life they would have together and lowered her kodachi. "Don't get me wrong, I do not intend to die here... but I am not going to leave him either."

"Then you are in a predicament." His katana cruelly glimmered in bright, cold moonlight.

"Yukimura-chan, step aside. I am not going to have you... defend me..." Souji wheezed and crawled a few steps, a stubborn, malicious smile etched in the corners of his lips.

"No!" She will repay her debt to them before she leaves. Even if the stranger wounded her, she would heal. "You will have to strike down a defenseless girl. Will your honor bear it?"

The stranger hemmed, pursing his lips, and drew the sword back. "I'll deal with all of you later."

And he would have left peacefully if at that moment Hijikata hadn't appeared in the doorway with reinforcements. His bright violet eyes swept the scene and lingered on the stranger's face. Light wind ruffled his hair and long white laces of his hachigane.

"Souji, can you still move?"

"Barely, but I will manage, vice-commander."

"And who is this traitor?"

"Hijikata-san, he isn't with the Choshu..." Akiha did not want to see them fight to the death and therefore tried to reason with the vice-commander, but he mistook her desire to avoid bloodshed for an attempt to protect an enemy and rudely shoved her aside. She fell, dropping her kodachi and stifling a sob.

"I am here on the orders of Satsuma leaders and I have no quarrel with you, however... should you impede me from leaving, I will have no choice."

"You are damn right I will!"

She expected to hear a familiar song of steel, but instead a deep voice rang, "Kazama, our task here ended. There is no point in fighting." She did not notice when another stranger entered the room and both of them leaped out of the broken window.

"What happened here? Who is this Kazama guy? And you..." Hijikata sounded displeased. "How did you end up in the middle of a fight which doesn't concern you? Weren't you supposed to stay at the Yagi residence?"

"I-I... I was trying to help," Akiha murmured, eyes brimming with tears. She couldn't bear looking at his face. "I killed... someone..."

"You've done enough! I don't ever want to see you fighting again!"

She did not recall seeing Hijikata so furious.

"But I can defend myself and..."

Suddenly and unexpectedly, Okita came to her aid, admitting with quiet resignation, "She saved my life, Hijikata-san."

...To the Ikeda inn, the Shinsengumi came, hoping to find a few traitors, and left, triumphant, watched by hundreds of idle spectators who thronged the streets of Kawaramachi district. Kondou and Hijikata led the way, smiling, others carried their bent, broken and bloody swords unsheathed and above, tinctured by the rising sun, stretched the never-ending sky. Nobody noticed her puny figure at the end of the triumphant procession, plodding along with an empty look in her eyes. When Akiha returned to the Yagi residence, she fell asleep alone, crying from helpless anger. A few days later she agreed to escape with the Irishman. It was a frightening thought, but maiko and geisha taught her to seek freedom and Niel promised her independence if she agreed to be his wife. And she wouldn't have to kill anyone anymore or associate herself with an ungrateful bunch who treated her like a child! Sitting near the hearth in a room on the second floor of the teahouse, watching shadows dance on the Westerner's face, she to the sound of his deep voice reciting unfamiliar poetry in that enigmatic language, dreamed of her bright future. '___My love is a fever, longing still For that which longer nurseth the disease_,' he translated a ___sonnet _and that was the first time he spoke of love.

Akiha, unaware what a bewitching sight she presented with her shoulder half-bared, poured him sake and harkened to his voice as though in it was her whole world, suspended in utter stillness above the chasm of time.

"What of your poetry?" He asked.

As though involuntarily, Akiha touched his chin and his sharp beard prickled her fingers quite pleasantly. She knew ancient Chinese poetry, she could recite from Manyoushuu or Teika or the more modern Matsuo Basho by heart, but instead the words of another escaped her lips, sweet and filled with inexplicable longing.

"___Even butterflies, Burning in a candle flame, All yearn for something,_" she said. "These words do not compare in sophistication to your poet's, they're simple, but..."

"Who wrote them?"

"I don't remember his name," she replied with a smile. "It makes no difference."

"So what do those butterflies want, as they burn?"

"I do not know, truly. It must be the secret only the poet discovered. The beauty is in the mystery, lift the veil and its fragile soul will be destroyed." In Niel's presence, however, her umbrage and fear were dispelled like thin morning mist in strong gusts of wind; his voice was like soothing balm.

"You are so clever, my beautiful bird." With a satisfied expression on his face, he reached out for a ceramic pipe and shoved it into her hands. "We will escape in the chaos of war, my ship is waiting for us in Edo, but I want you to try this before we go. It will make me very happy."

"W-what is it?"

Niel took the pipe and held it over a burning lamp, then brought it to his lips, inhaled deeply and gave it to her. As she mimicked his gestures, she felt giddy, ecstatic almost, as if those fumes held unnatural powers, and threw back her head.

"I don't understand..."

With one hand the Irishman put the pipe to her mouth, with the other he did not let her turn away, holding her in his embrace until she could not resist even if she tried. Everything was swimming before her eyes, Akiha succumbed to weakness and a strong, sweaty hand settled on her chest, choking her. It was persistent, too. She wanted to crawl away, to scream for help, but instead of fear she felt artificial, like jerky movements of a puppet in the hands of a puppeteer, euphoria.

"I wish you could see how beautiful you are..." Niel's voice resounded as though from a deep well. "A woman who intakes poppy tears transcends the frail limitations of mortality and becomes... godlike."

Long, white fingers clutched at her body and crimson liquid lapped against the edges of her consciousness; there were faces, ugly and grotesque, appearing and drowning in viscid gray fog. She never imagined her love affair would end like this...

"I do... not... I..."

It was becoming hard to breathe, her skin turned cold, but faces did not vanish. Glassy eyes glared at her and the hot, persistent hands were everywhere. Akiha heard distant tinkle of shamisen and the quick, uneven patter of feet.

And then...

"What a foolish, foolish girl," Hijikata whispered, but she had no strength to wonder why she heard his voice or where they were or how much time had passed since the Irishman tried to kill her.

As Kyoto burned, set ablaze during the battle with Choshu near the Forbidden Gate, so did she, overcome by fever and unknown thirst, raving as the maddened city in the embrace of insatiable flames.

* * *

*_daisho - _a pair of swords traditionally worn by samurai: katana and wakizashi


	4. Restitution

_**IV. Restitution**_

Pale sunlight penetrated into her room through the screen door, climbed under her blanket, and Akiha fancied long, cold fingers clenching around her throat – vile, disgusting fingers, like her thoughts, from which she knew no reprieve, no salvation; waking up, she had no will to rise; rising, she had no will to walk; walking, she had no will to smile or talk or even cry. Her world became black and white – a soothing, colorless void, on the edge of which she balanced every day since that night in Shimbara, and bright, maddening whiteness, from which she wanted to hide to never behold it again, cover her eyes and disappear. Silken kimono, blood, dirt - something inside was tearing her apart and her heart ached unbearably.

"Why?" She whispered into her pillow and silent tears rolled down her cheeks.

The Irishman – she refused to say his name aloud even in whisper, pretending he was but an Irishman, someone shapeless, faceless, voiceless – turned out to be incredibly rich indeed, but he did not earn his wealth as an honest trader, but by smuggling poison into China and later Japan and selling it in large cities like Kyoto. The poison he gave to her had a foreign name, opium, which was commonly known as poppy tears. As if her humiliation was not overwhelming enough, after she recovered from fever, Hijikata and Saito interrogated her about every little detail – who the Irishman was, what he wanted, whether she told him anything about the Shinsengumi (and she didn't!) - and there was something particularly cruel in their meticulousness. How she hated them both!

The Hamaguri Rebellion was quenched in blood, raging fires in Kyoto were placated, and outwardly life flowed in the accustomed grooves, although many felt an ill omen which concealed itself in dust, in windless air and tormenting heat. The Choshu were exiled from the Imperial capital and it seemed an apt solution for the time being. She listened to the news with half an ear and even if a war was announced, she would not be concerned with it. Apathy, like viscid gray fog, clouded her mind; like invisible tethers, chained her, like an avaricious foreign entity, drained her strength. Akiha rarely remembered the Irishman; the image of a red-haired, blue-eyed devil blurred, drowned in the gray fog wherefrom a certainty came that the blame for his betrayal rested on her shoulders. She was a disgusting creature with tainted blood in her veins and gods decided to punish her for the transgressions of the Yukimura clan, the Shinsengumi being her judges and hangmen and overseers of torment. Hijikata-san correctly told her on the night they met that she had not known cruelty, but now she could say she did, feeling twisted satisfaction and loathing, contradicting as they were, at the same time.

The previous night she could not sleep, staring at the wall with a vacant stare, her body quivering although the air was soothingly warm, and when the time was past midnight, she sneaked out of her room. The light in Sannan-san's quarters was lit and after receiving permission to enter, she slid open the door. The former vice commander – due to his injury, he retained his rank as an honorific formality only – was sitting seiza-style by the low table, pouring something from one glass bottle into another. A lone lantern hung above his head and three or four moths hovered around it, now crawling on its warm surface, now vanishing in semi-darkness.

"To what do I owe the pleasure, Yukimura-chan?" He asked, glancing at her from above the rim of his glasses, but there was no enmity in his gaze, no bitterness – rather, a certain almost fatherly concern. He understood something she had yet to fathom.

"I..." Akiha resolutely rolled up a sleeve of her kimono. "I came to offer my blood for the research. Take as much as you need, Sannan-san, don't worry over me. I want it, I want you to succeed!" Her voice resounded almost ecstatically. "I know you have been trying to find a way to alleviate the side-effects of the Water of Life, I have seen you sweating over these bottles almost every night, but I have not thought of what it means to you and to the rest of the Shinsengumi. I was selfish."

She extended her left arm and closed tightly her eyes.

"What nonsense you speak of," Sannan pushed her wrist away and bent over the table. "I don't need your blood to perfect this... this _cure_."

"You are unfair to me!" She screamed and he, having turned around abruptly, pressed a palm to her mouth with force.

"You are too loud, Akiha-chan."

"But you refuse to take even my blood," she continued, quieter, but with no less desperation. "Is it because all of it was my fault? The Westerner, the poison... Do you refuse me because I am... so ugly?" She fell onto her knees, holding her arm outstretched as a pauper begging for alms.

"It isn't your fault that the world is full of people without dignity," objected Sannan. "Forget about that fool, he will find his death in the hands of the Shinsengumi or the Aizu soldiers in Edo. Neither Kondou-san nor Hijikata-san believe it is wise to leave such a dangerous man alive."

"You don't understand anything, Sannan-san. I understood you because I now feel the same; I understood why you hid from the whole world, like a spider... you aren't ashamed of your comrades, you aren't afraid of how they will look at you. You are afraid of yourself! When you are alone, the whole world becomes you, your feelings, your weakness, your self-pity, your injured pride, but when you leave your room, you have to face yourself! Every time, you have to face your pitiful, disgusting self! Ah, I am the same wretch!"

For a moment it seemed Sannan would order her to leave his room, his face was awry with anger and pale lips compressed, but he restrained himself and heaved a sigh. "You are of course right."

"But my humiliation is deeper than yours," she gazed in miserable bewilderment about her and desperation unclenched its claws around her heart. Once again her voice rang lifeless. "I know that one of my distant ancestors committed an awful crime and although he attempted to restore his honor, I feel the heavy weight of his burden on my shoulders. Until now I hadn't given it much thought and I was punished severely for my carelessness."

Sannan-san forced out a bitter smile, "How young and impressionable you are, Yukimura-chan. Gods don't pay attention to our existence."

"I believe they do. I want to light a toro in the memory of those who died at Ikedaya. Okuzawa, Ando and Nitto... their spirits will peacefully cross into the other world. I want to put it in the water and watch it float on the waves until darkness swallows it. It is such a beautiful sight, bridges, shores and the river itself ablaze with tiny lights..."

"It is very thoughtful of you, but Nitto and Ando are still alive... They received mortal wounds, but chose to drink the Water of Life to continue fighting with us. As for you... I doubt you will be staying with us much longer. Kondou and Hijikata will reach a decision about your fate tomorrow, but after you almost died in that teahouse, I heard them talking about letting you go."

"They will throw me out... like a stray dog..." whispered Akiha. "Perhaps it is for the better."

"We are all at fault for what happened and the risk isn't worth the reward," she fancied she heard sadness in Sannan's voice.

"It's all right, Sannan-san," a serene smile played upon her lips. "I am but a stray dog... there is no place for a dog among wolves."

...However, when Akiha woke up, bitterness washed over her and she was overcome with malice. They were were going to throw her out as if she were a homeless dog, instead of accepting responsibility for her, they would rather forget she had ever existed. But she was alive and she, too, wanted something.

"Why?" She repeated, clenching her small fists.

"Yukimura-chan!" Heisuke's cheerful voice rang outside her room. "Shinpachi, Saito and I are going to _Owariya _to get Saito's favorite soba and kayaku. Wanna come with us? My treat! We've just been awarded generously by the military commissary after we heroically kicked some Choshu ass at Ikedaya."

The young captain received a head injury in the skirmish, claiming to have fought a skilled stranger, a companion of Kazama's. Who they were and what they wanted still remained unclear.

"No, Heisuke, I don't want to go," she replied and wrapped herself in a blanket. Sunlight was so bright it blinded her eyes.

"You can't always be holed up in your room," he retorted in an offended tone. "They serve the best soba and there is a little garden outside... Right, Shinpachi?"

"And best sake, too."

There were two shadows looming outside her room, but she averted her face and refused to utter another word, feeling repulsed by their cheerfulness. They waited patiently, but her silence finally discouraged them and their silhouettes disappeared, carrying with them into the milky mist of early morning her only connection to the outside world from which Akiha felt more and more detached with each passing day. Therefore when the door slid open, she let out a startled cry and shriveled up in the corner, covering her face from fear.

"Akiha-chan," said Saito's voice calmly. "I only wanted to talk."

Akiha glanced at him with malice. "Go away, I do not wish to see you!"

"No, I will not go until you hear me out," he seated himself on the floor and whisked away nonexistent dust off his immaculate kimono. "You will be unwell if you stay in this room. I will understand if you refuse to go with us to _Owariya_ this time, but I won't leave until you promise me that you will join us soon."

"I won't."

"I came to apologize for not stopping you in time; Heisuke was a shadow of his own self after he heard what happened and even Hijikata... he admonished me fairly, adding, however, that even so he was compelled to let you find that Choshu spy and he regretted nothing..."

They regretted nothing. Why would they?

"It was all your fault!" She uttered a faint shriek, choking on tears which streamed down her cheeks. "_Your_ fault! You should have let me die! I loved him and he... I don't even know what he did! I don't want to know!" Akiha raised her fist to strike him, but he didn't move, staring at her unflinchingly, and anger abandoned her – even anger! - betrayed her, leaving her hanging lifelessly in his arms. "How I hate everything... so ugly... dishonored... Even Sannan-san refused to take my blood..."

A grimace distorted Saito's calm, handsome face. "Akiha-chan, what are you saying?"

"Give me your wakizashi and go," she whispered firmly. "I wish to be alone."

"My wakizashi?"

"They took my kodachi in fear, perhaps, of me trying to commit suicide... I wish nothing else, Saito-kun... Please, help me, I beg you."

"No." He seated her, like a child, on her bed and brought a cup of water to her lips. She drunk avidly. "Look at Sano... He still has a scar from his foolish attempt to prove to a couple of worthless ronin that he wasn't a coward. It gets you nowhere... Stupidity, I mean."

"Give me your wakizashi and go!" Akiha hurled the cup into the wall, reaching for the handle of the captain's short sword which he wore on his right side as opposed to the traditionally accepted left.

Saito's blue eyes flashed fire when he stopped her hand and they froze, glaring at each other heatedly, until she freed her wrist and moved away, accepting defeat. She could never fight him.

"Please."

Finally, Saito heeded her desperate entreaty and with a deep bow removed his wakizashi, placing it carefully by her side. "I see my words mean little to you. But do not hurry to take your life, Akiha-chan. Ponder over other means to rid yourself of dishonor and resort to suicide only if all else fails. If you change your mind..." His voice momentarily quavered, "I won't tell anyone."

Saito left and with her hand, Akiha groped for the wakizashi, tightly wrapping her fingers around its handle. Her salvation was near. She had nothing else to live for and even her father would understand. One movement of a wrist, a sputter of blood, like a stroke of a brush on paper, painstakingly tracing out one word after another...

Even butterflies want something...

Akiha took a deep breath, which sounded like a sob, and the blade, as it fell, made a faint clanking sound. Trembling all over, she curled up on the floor and lay there, neither dead nor alive, until the sun began setting outside. Saito was right, she desperately wanted to live...

...A message from Hijikata found her sweeping the porch when long, dark shadows sprawled on the ground, portending the coming of night. She crossed the yard as quickly as she could, heading towards the only light which was lit with unwavering determination to tell him everything, but by the door she halted. Two silhouettes could be seen through the screen, one doubtlessly belonged to the vice-commander since he always wore his hair loose and in the other man, as she soundlessly approached, she recognized Kondou. They were having a casual conversation, expecting her later, and Akiha decided to eavesdrop from the shadows. Cozy yellow light illumined the room and in it both men appeared to be deceptively dear to her, as though she was seeing her father and his friend – an illusion of her slightly unhinged mind.

"...Those damned Choshu dogs left severed heads on the bamboo sticks near Sanjo bridge this morning," Hijikata was speaking. "A merchant and a few sympathizers of foreigners... And I hoped they would have other matters to worry over now that their true intentions have been exposed in the Imperial Court. But their continuous meddling also implies that we have to double our efforts, protecting Kyoto and preparing for the expedition of the bakufu traitors."

"Cheer up, Toshi," replied Kondou, leaning forward to pour his friend sake. "You sound as dreary as though we lost the battle at the Forbidden Gate. The bakufu spirit is strong, Choshu forces had been crushed once again at Shimonoseki. Our future is looking really bright... Our numbers swell, the shogunate is willing to recognize our merits..."

"Is the Shogun strong enough to expel the foreigners?"

"Of course he is! What nonsense you speak, my friend."

"I was thinking the other day... And you know that my loyalty to the bakufu is unquestionable. However, I thought that we shouldn't dismiss them so easily."

"You worry too much, Toshi. Or you can't forget that unfortunate incident with Yukimura-chan?" A cold shiver went up and down her spine and her throat felt dry. "No foreigner can measure up to a samurai who staunchly upheld the bushido, being born knowing no greater joy than to die in the service of his daimyo. Their world of profit and material gain begets lazy, selfish men with no will to fight. We should concentrate upon more urgent problems... finding and punishing those insolent Choshu would be a good start."

"Hm... I will send Shinpachi or Sano, whoever of those two isn't patrolling Kyoto tonight. I've heard on the streets the slogan _sonno-joi_ changed into a more radical _kinno-tobaku*. _No matter. I shouldn't listen to those vile rumors although it's a pain in the rear to hear all that foolish talk about us being traitors to our own kin. A roshi from Tama isn't the same as some stray ronin or scumbag of Choshu or Tosa!" Hijikata raised his voice a tad, but his indignation momentarily abated. "Do you remember Tamagawa in September, cutting wide and deep through gentle hills, its calm waters strewn with red maple leaves? They were like droplets of blood which bespatter our way... And all we had back then was this impossible youthful dream..."

"You are quite sentimental tonight in your nostalgia, Toshi," Kondou-san remarked quietly.

"Ah, shut up!"

"I can't blame you, however. I miss the snow-covered Fujisan and our fishing trips... Sweetfish is particularly delicious in the fall. Or am I imagining?"

"You know I prefer a broiled salted mackerel with a hira of mizuna and shiitake mushroom."

Kondou's laughter sounded muffled as did his next words therefore to hear them, Akiha had to shift closer and press her ear to the door.

"I miss Otsune and my daughter, I haven't seen them for almost eighteen months since we left Edo. I was thinking about paying them a brief visit. You and Sannan will manage just fine without me."

"Sannan-san... that sly fox..."

"What did you say, Toshi?"

"Don't mind me. I think you should go, too. Who knows when the next lull will be? And no one better than you can persuade those stubborn bigwigs to arrange the shogun's return to Kyoto. It cannot get more timely to show their willingness to adhere to the Imperial edict."

"I'll also try to recruit more members into Shinsengumi. Word of the Kinmon incident should have reached Edo by now."

Kondou-san had a family, Akiha thought without surprise, but curiosity managed to overpower even her apathy. What kind of woman was Otsune? Was she extremely good-looking and well-mannered? That was how Akiha imagined the wife of the Shinsengumi commander.

"...And here I thought Miyuki completely turned your head and you forgot about your wife and daughter," meanwhile continued Hijikata.

"Don't invent things! What are my modest achievements in comparison to your glorious escapades in Gion district?"

"Humph... Miyuki and her sister Otaka, Ueno, Komano..."

"Shinonome!" Triumphantly cried out Kondou, his voice ringing with merriment which Akiha was not accustomed to seeing in the usually stern man whose face radiated raw power and indomitable will.

"Trifles, my friend, utter trifles," Hijikata, on the contrary, remained ostentatiously humble. "I grow bored of her at that. She is following me around, behaving like a wife... Ten men, ten colors, they say, but I feel the need to sever my ties with her."

She found the nature of the conversation to be unpleasant and, realizing that the longer she waited, the more sake they would both drink, politely apologized, upon entering taking a seat on the tatami. Gaiety vanished from the room, as though blown away with the gust of warm evening wind which sneaked inside with her, and both commanders fixed their eyes on her pitiful figure. Kondou gazed at her with indifference, however, Hijikata's piercing stare was the same as on the first night they met and she felt a surge of bitter resentment towards him.

"Yukimura-chan, I take it that you received our invitation from Saito," said the commander. He was dressed in a simple beige kimono with a black haori thrown atop and she recognized the Kondou she knew, the austere, strong-willed Kondou without a spark of merriment in his eyes. The conversation was not going to be lighthearted.

"Yes, Kondou-san," she lowered her head onto her hands and bowed low, stubbornly looking at the tatami. '_They are indeed like brothers, Hijikata and him,_' a sudden thought flashed in her mind. '_Why haven't I ever noticed how much truth there was in Heisuke's words?_' "I have come to humbly ask you to let me stay with the Shinsengumi. I know you intended to escort me to Edo where you would let me go, but I have given it much thought and I decided... I..." Words were like hot sake on her tongue, they burnt and intoxicated. "I cannot leave."

"You have put yourself in grave danger on our behalf," sternly objected Hijikata, "and suffered. We cannot ask you to make more sacrifices. We also thought that it would be more suiting for a woman to live in a residence in Edo. I am sure we can find a loyal hatamoto who would gladly accept you into his household as a favor to us."

"No," Akiha's voice grew more firm, but she would not lift her eyes, "I have to serve you in any way I can." She had utterly at that moment, in a fit of desperation, forgotten that she intended to leave the Shinsengumi and run away with the Westerner. ""

"Humor me and tell me why."

"I was... dishonored," her fingers plunged into the mat of woven straw and her throat refused to obey her. "But furthermore, the burden of my family's ancient dishonor lies on my shoulders, tying my fate with that of the Tokugawa shogunate... Almost three centuries ago, my ancestor, Yukimura Takeo, was a retainer for Akechi Mitsuhide when the latter betrayed Oda Nobunaga as he rested in the temple of Honno-ji, here, in Kyoto. When thirteen days later he was in turn slain in a battle on Mt. Tenno by Toyotomi Hideyoshi, my ancestor was ordered to commit seppuku with a bamboo sword to atone for the terrible crime he had committed against his lord. He was cursed, as I am, with the ability to survive even the gravest of wounds... My father told me this story. For an hour he tried to carry our his duty, but the wound in his stomach would heal... There was so much blood, and he kept trying and trying until he was finally granted a merciful beheading. It has been bestowed onto me to serve the shogunate to cleanse my family's name once and for all."

Hijikata sustained a long pause which to her seemed to have lasted an eternity before he spoke, "I see. It is a noble cause indeed although you are quite impressionable, like we once were... But how can you be useful to us? We cannot allow you to return to Shimbara as a spy," Akiha shuddered. "We cannot let you join our ranks..."

"I will do anything. I will carry messages, I will clean, cook, look after the wounded... I will even return as a maiko to Shimbara although the thought is loathsome to me. Order me anything and I will carry out my sacred duty to the best of my abilities."

"You are a brave girl, aren't you?"

Akiha finally straightened. There were tears in her eyes. "No, Kondou-san, I am a coward."

"What is she talking about, Toshi?" The commander was thrown into a flutter.

Blood on her kimono, dirt, sweaty hands...

"When Saito-san found me, it was too late... The Westerner escaped. But it wasn't his fault at all."

"We are still searching for him," growled Hijikata, "and when we find him... The whole island of Honshu will seem too small for him to hide. He brings poison to us just as he did to the Chinese."

No, his death would not satisfy her therefore Akiha listened to the vice-commander's boasting with half an ear. Niel's fate was no longer of any concern to her.

"Hijikata-san, Kondou-san, promise me you will not send me away."

"What do you think, Toshi?"

"We should let her stay, I suppose, although I would prefer not to," replied the vice-commander with a perpetual frown. "Youthful foolishness nearly cost her her life."

"I will not be stupid anymore, I swear!" Akiha groaned, stooping and dropping her head onto her chest. Was her love for the foreigner foolish and in truth Westerners were evil? Was love itself foolish? Was her hope, too, no more than a fool's wish? They let her stay, but she was a speck of dust which they whisked off, returning to their enigmatic world where thuds of training swords were heard from the dojo, where sweetfish tasted like a delicacy, where the ubiquitous Fujisan loomed on the horizon and fell into the river a waterfall of crimson maple leaves. She tried hating them many times, but never found the strength.

...Kondou left two days later in a palanquin, taking Shinpachi and Heisuke with him on a one-hundred-and-twenty-ri journey to Edo. In the wind, fluttered the proud standard of the Shinsengumi, the white-and-red linen with a single word written on it: _Makoto_. Sincerity. Later that evening Akiha for the first time in who knew how many days left her room and purposelessly wandered around the Yagi residence, enjoying the summer wind. Thoughtlessly and silently she watched Saito train with the new recruits, then turned the corner and waved her arm at Harada, feeling that strength was returning to her after she had finally decided to live. Life blossomed around her, the sunset colors were rich, from besotting smells her head reeled and for the first time Akiha fully realized that it would continue without her, therefore to become a part of it she would have to make an effort.

Okita sat in solitude by a small pond overgrown with grass and threw stones into the stagnant water.

"Souji," she drawled his name, flashing a somewhat constrained smile at him. She would have to make effort even to smile, but she would manage without fail.

"Ah, brat," he lazily grinned in return. "What a wonderful evening, wouldn't you say so? Even I would say it'll be a shame if I have to kill someone in such a tranquil hour."

"Why would you have to kill anyone? Is something the matter?" She took a seat by his side and followed his example, clasping in her hand a small, smooth stone, hurling it into the pond and watching it disappear in an eddy.

"We are investigating who left those heads near the Sanjo bridge again, a desperate act of petty retaliation, no doubt. Sanjo bridge is near the Ikedaya inn... The Choshu tried to show us that even after their humiliating defeat at the Forbidden Gates, even after their Satsuma allies-turned-rivals insisted three of their leaders committed seppuku, they would not yield..." Okita yawned. "It is quite tiresome to sift whatever evidence we had left on that site of fire."

She wanted to help, yet bit her tongue before those words escaped her lips, setting her up for a humiliating lecture.

"What is Fujisan?" Akiha inquired instead.

"Gee, stupid brat doesn't know what Fujisan is?"

"I-I know and I am not stupid! It is a mountain, I know that much at least... But Kondou-san spoke of it with such profound reverence... and I wondered... an ordinary mountain would not be remembered in such a way."

"Fujisan is not ordinary," snorted Souji. "You wake up, you pick up your sword, you wash off sweat after hours of training, you go to sleep and there is always Fujisan, looking at you through the branches of blooming cherry trees above the ornate roofs of wealthy houses. Once you behold it, you will never forget it, wherever you go. Only Kondou doesn't speak of it for paltry reasons..."

Blood rushed to Akiha's cheeks, yet as a maiko she was under the scrutiny of many men and easily overcame her confusion, "I overheard Kondou-san and Hijikata-san talking about their home. I didn't intend to listen to their conversation, but one word stood out..."

"Toshi wrote about Fujisan a lot although his hokku isn't worth shit sometimes," another careless, pert grin lit up his face. "I won't even remember what it was... He's much better at shogi."

"You call him Toshi... Does it mean you are like brothers as well?"

A chilling howl suddenly disturbed the evening quiescence and Okita with a sword in his hand jumped to his feet. Akiha recognized the sound, which she sometimes heard in the dead of night, tossing and turning in her bed.

"Damn furies!" Hissed Souji, looking round. "What is Sannan-san thinking?"

The howl resounded closer and, having grabbed her by the sleeve of her kimono, Okita dragged her towards one of the houses and pushed her inside. "Stay here!"

Akiha nodded, but no sooner had he lost his grip on her arm than at least six furies – or rasetsu, as they were called amongst the Shinsengumi – still wearing their light-blue haori, poured out into the street in front of them. Their hair was snowy white, their eyes shone with bloodlust and their mouths were agape, the incomprehensible sounds escaping their lips, which in her ears sounded like howls of wolves.

Okita jumped into the crowd, striking left and right, his steps and thrusts measured, bewitching, and, gazing at the captain, Akiha forgot herself and where she was. Therefore when a fury stole up to her from behind, she was taken aback and, having realized that she was utterly defenseless, ran into the courtyard with the hungry demon on her heels. She remembered those chilling tales of victims which were found in the streets of Kyoto, torn to pieces, a few weeks after Serizawa's death.

Of their own volition, her legs carried her towards the Yagi residence where Saito was practicing with the recruits, but before she reached the training grounds, she ran into a dark-haired samurai who shielded her from the fury and swiftly dealt it a deadly blow, thrusting his katana into its heart.

"Echigo Saburo," said her unexpected savior with a smile, extending his hand to help her rise.

Then Okita came running, waving his bloodied sword, and Saito hailed her name, then they dragged the corpses inside, arguing over what to do with them and deciding to wait until Hijikata came back from patrolling the streets – then many events occurred before Akiha could finally find rest – but she nevertheless remembered that smile.

* * *

* _kinno-tobaku - _political slogan in 19th c. Japan. Meaning: Revere the Emperor and down with the Bakufu.


	5. Okita's sword, Saito's secret and

_**V. Okita's sword, Saito's secret and Hijikata's geisha **_

It was a cold October morning and Akiha, immersed in cheerless thoughts, dragged herself at the tail of a small procession of men in light-blue haori along the Oike road, one of the widest in Kyoto, which began at the infamous Sanjo bridge and ended at the walls of Nijo castle. Saito and Okita took her with them, out of pity perhaps, because other captains refused and she sensed their resentment towards her for being awarded with certain undeserved benefits. She stayed in a separate room; it was small, but regular members of the Shinsengumi who did not have such privileges displayed towards her enmity and envy. However, Saito and Okita, each for his own reasons, were imbued with sympathy towards her after she nearly died at the teahouse – a sympathy she noticed belatedly as she slowly returned into the world of the living. No, she still woke up at night from time to time, trembling from fear, and in spite of her determination, she could not even bear a thought of dressing as a maiko or looking at her face, wearing her hair askew and her kimono in a slipshod manner so as to attract as little attention as possible, but her decision to serve the Shogun, whose ancestor Yukimura Takeo indirectly betrayed, restored some of her inner peace which she deemed to have been forever lost. Akiha knew Saito respected her choice to live, adamant to never remind her of their conversation, but she could not read what hid behind the never-changing jocose facade of the First Unit captain. She resorted to tricks which geisha taught her, tricks of reading a man's mind, yet still the fortress remained impregnable and she was left with a vague guess that Okita Souji saw in her suffering a shadow of his own.

Dust clung to her tabi and she thought that it would claim everything eventually, the walls of great Kyoto, the restless souls within, love and hatred, tears and laughter. After she was deceived by the Westerner, Akiha became acutely aware of how much suffering surrounded her every day – poverty, bloodshed, abuse – and among those unfortunate souls she was not an exception selected by vindictive fate, but rather a lucky girl whose lot could have been much worse. It was easier to say than to believe in. Her sympathy for foreigners dwindled; she avoided encounters with men dressed in Western clothes and slowly but with inevitable certainty she began realizing that what she was to Niel, Japan was to them – if her country surrendered peacefully to their demands, they would poison it and if it resisted, they would subjugate it by force. And the more she thought like that, the stronger became her desire to be with the Shinsengumi, the dreaded force of the shogunate which stood a guardian of peace and balance when all other forces threatened to tear her country apart. Suddenly she wanted to express her melancholy in a song even though her shamisen of finest Chinese quince was left at the teahouse. She hummed to herself:

"._..Pining for a man from the River of Memory,  
__Seduced by his honey-tongued  
Sincerity one night_,  
_But his heart was  
Cool as water  
And he visits me  
With the fragrance  
Of others  
On his collar and sleeves*..._"

"I didn't know you could sing so well, brat," Souji came abreast with her. The First Unit captain still addressed her in an offensive manner, as if she were an importunate child, but his voice changed and the alias sounded almost... affectionately. "Perhaps one day you could sing to entertain us."

The blood drained from her thin face and she recoiled from him, regaining her composure as a samurai who walked to her left mumbled something in a discontent voice. "You heard me... how embarrassing! Souji, I shudder at the mere thought of having to put makeup on... or a pretty kimono. Perhaps, I will never..."

"You know, when Hijikata asked me to take you out on patrol, he failed to mention I'd be stuck with a cheerless brat," he clapped her on the shoulder, but perhaps did not estimate his strength, for Akiha stumbled and almost fell.

"Then you should have left me at the Yagi residence," she objected stubbornly. "I am in no mood to laugh or otherwise express joy I do not feel."

"Sometime you do not need to feel joy to express it. Haven't they beaten anything into your pretty head at the teahouse? It is at times but a sign of politeness... you listen and you smile, imparting thus a pleasant impression on your interlocutor instead of discouraging him with a gloomy glance. Look at Saito..."

"What of him? He rarely smiles, if at all."

"That's not true, you don't know him well enough to make him smile. He is quiet and walks with an air of mystery about him so as to attract attention of pretty women who are drawn to guys like him, taciturn, calm, handsome and smart. But it's also a ruse and when he wants, he smiles quite easily." Okita's green eyes sparked with mischief.

"That's a clever supposition," the omnipresent Saito appeared behind her shoulder out of nowhere, having startled her, "but a false one nonetheless. Even a sober Souji does not understand what nonsense he talks. Yesterday he suggested that Hijikata-san had been so irascible lately because a pretty woman rejected his advances, but anyone who knows our vice-commander cannot possibly think that he would take a woman's rejection to heart."

"Gee, Saito, I take my words back. You lack any sense of humor since you cannot distinguish between a joke and a serious remark."

Akiha glanced at the cloudless sky, then at the passersby who hurried by with their heads lowered, but she could not stifle her merriment for long, biting her lower lip and inquiring slyly, "I always thought that Saito-kun has too many dark secrets in his past so he keeps them hidden under this indifferent facade so as not to attract any unwanted attention."

Saito raised his eyebrows. Okita burst out laughing and even as he tried to talk, his shoulders continued to shake, "Oh, Yukimura-chan, he has plenty of... dark secrets... although some of them aren't secrets anymore."

"Be careful, Souji, if you continue, I will be compelled to reveal _yours_."

"Your self-importance is not amusing. Why would I need to know your secrets? What could you have possibly done which I would find surprising?"

"Hm..." Okita's eyes presented as stark a contrast with his grin as icy-cold wind with a summer sun. Akiha spent a whole year with them, but she felt that many years could pass and she would not know them just the same. "What about murder?.."

She flinched, but assumed an air of confidence in spite of slight agitation which seized her, "After the incident at Ikedaya, after the Hamaguri Rebellion of which I only heard tales, after we buried those furies, you want me to be surprised by the revelation... I cannot approve of your cruelty, but I am hardly astonished."

Saito averted his face, but he didn't seem ashamed, contemplative rather. "Indeed, if we are to tell Akiha-chan about ourselves, I must confess to have taken a life of a hatamoto. It is a crime punishable by death, but my father sent me away to his old friend who owned a dojo in Kyoto where I served as an assistant instructor. I am, however, a master of Mitzoguchi Itto-ryu therefore you often see me practicing with the new recruits."

"Saito is so full of himself," snickered Okita. "I am sure Akiha-chan had figured out that most of us are very skilled in our styles. Only the best are granted the privilege to protect the Shogun."

"It's your turn now, Souji, don't think you can change the subject."

"Ah, there won't be any getting around it... Well then, brat, if you must know I have slain defenseless sumo wrestlers in Osaka when Serizawa was still alive."

"Why?"

"Always looking for a reason... Maybe you should not be so curious and you'll better sleep at night. And what have you done with yourself before you knew us?"

"I lived with my father in Edo," Akiha glanced back at a woman with three children, one of whom was crying loudly as they passed, frightened by the appearance of many armed samurai, and inexplicable longing seized her heart. She gave up hope to find her father who could have died by then – all the effort she put into searching for him when she was a maiko bore no fruit. Yukimura Kodou had disappeared as a droplet of water in a sea. "I never knew my mother, but he... he took good care of me. He taught me how to read, write, cook, treat wounds and even sing and sometimes I would go around the capital, selling his medicine which he concocted himself or bought from foreigners. He often said," a shadow crossed her face, "that people would rather buy from a pretty girl like me than from an old geezer like him."

"That's some wisdom," Okita coughed into his fist not to laugh out of tact and even Saito smiled although silently.

"Then you are like our Onifukuchou**," he said. "After Hijikata-san lost both of his jobs which his family found for him, he went around the countryside, selling medicine and practicing kenjutsu in any dojo he'd see along the way. He was amiable back then and people gladly gave him lessons..." To imagine Hijikata as a man of amiable disposition was difficult for Akiha although the more she thought of it, the more verisimilar it seemed to her that at least a decade ago the vice-commander could have been a more gentle person. "You'll hardly meet a man of a mind as versatile as Hijikata's. He can be stubborn and irritable, but if it wasn't for him, Shinsengumi would have fallen apart. We have many great swordsmen, but not many have what it takes to lead – to unite, to inspire, to take responsibility for the harsh choices, to think and execute with precision and practicality... Remember that, Yukimura-chan. What use would my excellent battojutsu have if it wasn't for his will which honed us in unity to strike as one sword of the bakufu? So forgive him his shortcomings and know that whatever he did and whatever he aims to do, he does, having only the prosperity of the shogunate in mind."

"I -" Akiha faltered, finding suitable words. "I understand why you admire and respect him, but I cannot share your feelings. Perhaps, one day I will, but do not rush the coming of that day, Saito-kun."

"Then I only hope it will come sooner than later," Saito concluded solemnly.

"Gee, trust Saito to turn a lighthearted chatter into a patriotic speech," Okita broke the awkward silence which ensued after the captain of the Third Unit withdrew into himself. "Spare me another heated discussion on how in the times when all these humiliating treaties exposed the shogunate's weakness, they are in dire need of us. Instead, let's tell Akiha-chan a few embarrassing stories about Toshi so as to shatter whatever image she has of him in her pretty head. Let me remember... Hm... Before he joined the Shieikan dojo, he used to drop by every now and then, a lot of times after a long journey, and that day wasn't an exception. He changed his clothing and we set about playing a game of shogi. He was winning all the time, talking with an air of self-importance about him of his lofty dreams again, how he wanted to lead a group of roshi because he had a vocation... and he does look impressive when he speaks like that, but then someone noticed that he somehow managed to put on his haori inside-out... All clever and sublime words become a joke if you look ludicrous."

It was Akiha's turn to choke on words as she tried to imagine the ever-so authoritative Hijikata, who dressed with taste even on a weekend, in a haori pulled on inside-out. It must have been an awfully absurd sight if Okita remembered it.

"He must have been tired," without noticing it, she took Hijikata's side. "If you knew how uncomfortable it is to carry around the heavy medicine basket all day... and it probably was a hot day... you wouldn't laugh."

"Not too tired to recite for an umpteenth time his desire to serve the shogun," Souji gave a wink at her, but she all of a sudden grew serious and thoughtful.

"You promised to take me to a shop. I wanted to find a ukiyo-e with Fujisan for the commander."

"There is one right there," Souji pointed towards a small building across the street. "Be quick, brat, we cannot wait for you forever."

No sooner had Akiha entered than she heard muffled voices in semi-darkness, one mumbling a humble entreaty and the other ordering him threateningly. She hailed them bravely and thereupon there was a commotion, the intruder ran outside, leaving her befuddled and the old owner terrified out of his mind. Without thought, she followed the culprit, but he quickly disappeared in the crowded street.

"What happened, Akiha-chan?" Saito's concerned voice reached her ears and she gestured towards the shop.

"Come inside with me."

The owner, a senile man with a balding round head, had recovered himself and in an indignant voice began to keen over his misfortunes, which would have continued for half an hour at the least if Saito had not resolutely interrupted him with a question, cold and quick as a sweep of his katana.

"Did you see the face of a man who tried to extort money from you?"

"No, it was dark and I thought I'd lose my life so I wasn't looking, you know, attentively at his face. He was a lawless ronin! All of you are the same..."

"Then how are we supposed to find him?"

"I don't know how! Think of something, you are the ones who stirred the hornet's nest!"

Saito closed his eyes, "Let us leave, Yukimura-chan. I'll show you another shop where you can buy a ukiyo-e."

"But shouldn't we help him?" Akiha glanced back, however, Saito gripped her elbow and gently pushed her in the direction of the street.

"We have to continue patrolling instead of wasting time on a loudmouth who doesn't know who he wants us to apprehend."

"Wait!" The merchant's countenance changed. "You can't leave me..."

Suddenly Okita's clear voice rang without, responding to someone's challenge, and a rather peculiar and fascinating sight appeared before Akiha's eyes when she followed Saito into the street. The ronin perhaps called for his fellow clan members who poured out into the street not in small numbers as one would expect – at least two dozen surrounded the Shinsengumi, yet only three hurried to fight. People of Kyoto thronged at a distance, their incoherent discontent murmurs resounding in her ears like whisper of waves breaking against the shore. The opponents slowly circled each other, swords drawn, and Akiha saw Okita's face, split in the same careless grin, which contradicted the strain in his pose. His light-blue haori fluttered in the cold autumn wind.

"Do you see how he raises his sword?" Asked Saito, having decided to join the skirmish only if trouble befell Souji. "He uses the style known as Tennen Rishin-ryu... and now he positions his legs to... ah, nevermind," he corrected himself momentarily with a slightly condescending smirk. "Souji, you are so predictable... It's Kondou-san's favorite. A dragon attacks with his tail when his head is attacked... Don't worry, Akiha-chan, his opponents do not yet know that they are dead, but if it was me instead who crossed swords with him... hm..." He fell silent.

In the meantime Souji assumed a defensive position, his katana pointing towards one of his opponent's knees, his body turning sideways, and when the ronin lunged, he quickly raised his sword, deflecting the slash with force and inflicting a downwards stroke, which cleft his chest. The ronin staggered and a scream of pain was expelled from his lips. Two of his fellow clan members attacked Okita from both sides, but he gracefully sidestepped and cut them down one by one, emerging victorious without even a scratch. The rest quickly dispersed, leaving two dead bodies and a wounded man crawling in the dust. Souji dashingly swung his katana, removing his head from his shoulders, and Akiha gasped as the dark object rolled on the ground. The captain adjusted his topknot and carefully wiped the blood off his blade.

"You can't leave your sword unattended, Yukimura-chan," he explained, "for the sword is the samurai's pride. After my last blade broke at Ikedaya, I was awarded a new one – see, there isn't even even a chip on it yet – and I am in no hurry to ruin it."

How could he remain so unfazed, facing such dangers and so much death? Akiha withdrew her eyes from the sight, feeling giddiness, and leaned against the wall of the shop.

"What are you looking at, move along!" Souji shouted at the crowd of gawkers and they, casting suspicious glances over their shoulders, obeyed, displaying no eagerness to be acquainted with the tempered steel of his sword.

"Are you feeling all right?"

Quivering, Akiha shriveled in her kimono and nodded, but even a child would not fall for her lie. She barely understood the nature of her sudden weakness herself.

"She is in no shape to continue patrolling with us," said Saito. "What do we do? We can't go back and we can't carry her."

"Let's leave her to the care of geisha in Gion, then one of us will come back for her in the evening."

"N-not in Gion, Souji," she pleaded faintly, but no to avail. Strong hands picked her up as though she weighed nothing, there was a blur of blue sky and dazzling sunlight before her eyes, and then darkness swallowed her, gently enveloped her mind and body, and in it she was slowly drowning...

...When Akiha regained her senses, she found herself in a small room with a low table and a screen door on which was depicted a plum tree. Windowless walls were hung with paintings and a woman sat by the bedside with her back turned to her, slowly combing her long hair. In semi-darkness it flowed like a rivulet.

"Who are... you..." Akiha croaked since her dry throat refused to obey her.

"You are awake," replied the geisha. "I am Shinonome. You are safe with us, so rest comfortably."

"Shinonome..." The name was awfully familiar and Akiha pressed a finger to her temple, trying to recall where she knew it from... Shinonome... Of course! She overheard a conversation between Kondou-san and Hijikata-san about a teahouse in Gion they frequented and it was only sensible for Saito and Okita to leave her with a woman they both trusted. With Hijikata's geisha. An unpleasant feeling rose inside her, which she could not explain in any other way but as resentment of anyone who was in some way connected to Hijikata Toshizou, even a woman she had never met.

"What is your role? I do not understand..." she mused to herself, but her voice was not unkind. "But as long as you keep their secrets and do not pry into mine, you have nothing to fear. I will not tell a soul about who you truly are."

Did she mean Water of Life? Akiha was about to ask, but in time bit her lip not to let the foolish words escape her mouth. From what she knew about the Shinsengumi commanders, she could safely conclude that they would not share their secrets with their temporary lovers. She herself was privy to their clandestine affairs only because of her cursed heritage. Of course, Akiha was not going to divulge her own misfortune with the Westerner or her intentions to escape with him of which she had not spoken to anyone except her treacherous lover himself. She was going to be very careful...

"You are the vice-commander's geisha, are you not?" That was not a prudent question and Akiha at once regretted to have said it aloud, but the woman only laughed.

"Hijikata-san is an extraordinary man so it shouldn't astonish you that he honors me with his affection. I am considered one of the most beautiful women in Kyoto." With a haughty smile Shininonome faced Akiha and, despite her strong and senseless dislike of the woman, she was compelled to admit that she did not lie; in the dim glow of a single lantern her features were stunning as though she had come into the world from a ukiyo-e, her slender neck emerged from the eri*** of her kimono, like a stem of a water lily among leaves, and her eyes sparked with inner fire, inviting and daring and shamelessly candid. "I see they took poor care of you. You are awfully pale and thin... no wonder you fainted from fatigue and worry. Or was it fatigue? Was it worry?"

Akiha raised herself on the elbow, "W-what do you wish to say by that?"

"Merely an obvious reason to explain you weakness. Have you been intimate with a man recently? And don't give me that shameful glare..."

Indeed, the question provoked her into anger, but it was not begotten by shame – it was helpless anger. Shinonome read her, easily saw through her disguise and she did not even fathom how or when.

"Your silence is more eloquent than words," the geisha extended her a bowl of rice and a small cup of water. "You may be carrying a child..."

If Shinonome delivered a blow to her face, it wouldn't have stunned and hurt her more than those curt words – no, a sentence – spoken as though it should have been a self-evident explanation, but even in her nightmares Akiha would not imagine...

"No, it is not possible!" Was it not? She never found out what happened that night at the teahouse, she did not have to face it, but now the treason stared right at her from the viscid fog, assuming a grotesque shape. Her heart was beating vehemently and she wanted to shrivel up in the corner and scream. "I was tired, that's all... And then they had to fight ronin... there was so much blood..."

"She is not with child. Why did you have to frighten the poor girl? She probably cannot raise one."

The woman who entered was petite and cheerful, pretty rather than beautiful, but with a lively spark in her dark eyes.

"Why did you interrupt us, Ueno?"

"Hijikata-san had come to take this girl away."

Such great relief had flooded her that Akiha paid no heed to the conversation until Ueno shoved a bowl of rice into her shaking hands and told her to wait for the vice-commander in the inner garden. A maple tree grew there alight with the glow of the setting sun. Akiha's appetite was whetted after Ueno's words dispelled her fear and she seated herself upon the bench, determined to quench it when something caught her eyes. It was a lone crimson leaf, quivering upon dying grass, and she was seized by inexplicable longing, seeing in that torn, homeless leaf something else entirely – crimson droplets of blood, a long, winding road and light-blue haori, fluttering in the wind. In her vivid imagination, it appeared a sign of fate and she gently picked it up, intending to attach it to the tree branch, when another leaf was torn off and another and soon she stood among falling leaves of different colors – there were yellow and brown and green leaves, barely touched by withering – shivering from cold.

"You are hard to find these days, Yukimura-chan."

A mocking voice rang from behind and she span on her heels, noticing in the shadows a familiar face framed in sand-colored hair which he wore in a Western manner, short and cut evenly.

"Kazama..." she recalled his name. "How do you know me?"

He stepped out of the shadows, dangerous even without a sword in his hand. "Your face proved to be hard to forget and I made inquiries among my kin... My first impression of you was correct."

"I am a daughter of a doctor, there is nothing interesting about me..."

He waved his arm imperiously, "Answer just one question for me. Why do you serve humans? They used you, humiliated you, ignored you and yet you still follow them faithfully."

"I don't understand..."

"Don't play a fool," there was a flicker of light in front of her eyes and before she could unsheathe her kodachi, Kazama's sword slid along her forearm, cutting the kimono and leaving a barely noticeable scratch which healed at once.

Akiha covered the bloodied cloth with the other palm and lowered her head. "It had always been like that... But I still don't understand. What is it? Am I cursed by the gods?"

Kazama narrowed his lids, "You are an oni, just as I am. And women amongst us are very-very rare..."

"Your meddling with our affairs is becoming quite obnoxious," Hijikata said sharply and coldly, appearing on the porch and sliding the door shut behind him so as to prevent the curious geisha among whom was his lover from eavesdropping on him. "State your purpose or leave her alone at once."

"Hm?" Kazama darted a disdainful glance at the Shinsengumi vice-commander and returned his full attention to her – a treatment to which she was not accustomed. Usually the samurai were addressed with respect and her presence was ignored.

Hijikata's katana flew out of sheath as he placed his right foot in front of his left and as on the night at Ikedaya when they had first seen each other, his violet eyes betrayed no fear and the wind ruffled the white laces of his hachigane.

"So quick to draw his sword... Do you wish to die, human?"

It curdled her blood, the oni's voice.

"You have a sharp tongue, Kazama... or do you think I forgot about you? However, I wonder whether your sword can match it in sharpness."

As impetuous as he appeared sometimes, no one could deny Hijikata a certain measure of prudence. He stepped away from the door, keeping his eyes level with those of the oni, and lunged from the middle position, thrusting at his opponent holding the handle with both hands. Kazama leaped to the side, parrying the thrust, they met and moved apart and froze at a distance from each other.

"So that's the power of Tennen Rishin-ryu... Impressive, but you cannot defeat me. Set the girl free and you will never have to face me again."

"Spare me your damned speeches," retorted Hijikata, raising his katana above his head. "Akiha-chan isn't a prisoner with us and she will go with you only of her own volition."

The tips of their swords touched, as though respecting each other in their own way, and then their blades clashed violently. Kazama's strikes were quick, but as they danced around each other, Akiha noticed that Hijikata, in spite of his skill, felt their power.

"Don't you understand? She is too much for you. Her spirit is too strong and one day it would break free... You have almost lost her already and you would if it wasn't for me, only then I was armed but with doubts and suspicions..."

"So it was you who sent Saito a message..." Hijikata hissed through gritted teeth. The faster Kazama moved, the less time he had to counterattack, being compelled to defend himself and retreat, retreat...

The oni froze with the sword at his hip, condescendingly exposing himself to invite Hijikata to strike, and so he did with desperation, intending to kill the obviously stronger and faster opponent in one crushing blow. Instead, he was staggered as Kazama's katana met his in flight and took another step backwards...

"No, I am not coming with you," Akiha said quietly, but both the vice-commander and the stranger who claimed to be a demon heard her. Perhaps before the Hamaguri Rebellion which turned her hopes and love to ashes, she would consider his offer, but her fate was now sealed with the fate of the shogunate.

"You heard the girl," Hijikata stubbornly pointed his katana at his opponent. "Now get out!"

"You chose to serve humans?"

"You speak with contempt, yet you serve the Satsuma daimyo yourself. How does it make us any different?" The understanding of the discovery of her origins had not yet sunk in.

"We are indebted to them..."

"So am I," Akiha drew her kodachi and proudly lifted her chin. "If you force me to come with you, I will not hesitate to take my own life."

Kazama glowered at her, yet did not utter a single word, disappearing equally suddenly.

"Don't throw those words around carelessly," Hijikata said sternly, gripping her by the sleeve and giving her a hard stare. "Although we failed once, we can and we _will_ protect you."

Under that stare, Akiha lost all will to resist, "I wouldn't do it, Hijikata-san, I am a coward. I merely wanted you to cease fighting since I was the sole reason and cause..."

The vice-commander's expression softened. "Hm... A desire to live is not cowardice. Even a samurai who accepts death when he is born does not hurry to bring closer his final hour. If you wish to serve the shogunate, you must abandon a foolish desire to meaninglessly throw your life away."

"I understand, Hijikata-san."

"And remember that it was your sincerity which convinced us."

_Sincerity_... That she did not yet understand.

* * *

* _Mama no Kawa_ (Jiuta, 19th c. Japan)

** _Onifukuchou_ - demon vice-commander

*** _Eri_ - kimono collar


	6. Red thread of fate

_**VI. Red thread of fate**_

"...All you ever get to eat is rice – plain rice, flavored rice, rice cakes... rice, rice, rice. I cannot eat any more rice," rang a clear youthful voice from behind the door.

"Don't flatter yourself, Heisuke-kun, we didn't miss your complaints."

On hearing her friend's name, Akiha stumbled and the tray with tea bowls to her horror fell out of her hands. "Heisuke!" She cried out, both out of confusion and excitement, hastily gathering the small slippery objects which stubbornly strove to roll into cracks and chinks or under the porch. Her cheeks burnt from shame, but she was too overjoyed to see her friend to take note of it.

"Akiha-chan!"

She raised her head, meeting Heisuke's laughing eyes and at the same time trying to clean the dirty tea bowls with a chakin, "I didn't know Kondou-san returned from Edo."

"We came back early in the morning," enthusiastically explained the youngest captain, "and we brought reinforcements. Roshi from Tama flocked to us, inspired by rumors which reached the Shieikan dojo and quickly spread therefrom. Imagine, one of those puffed up ronin tried to tell me that he was there when we raided Ikedaya inn, claiming that we showed up in great numbers and that we fought those damned Tosa instead of Choshu who defeated us! But everyone looked at him as though he had too much sake! Everyone knows that we saved the shogun and I even have proof..." Grinning from ear to ear, Heisuke proudly touched a faint scar on his forehead.

Conversing sprightly, they walked into the room where Akiha expected to see the usual bustle which accompanied the morning meals in the Shinsengumi quarters, but instead therein reined awkward silence occasionally broken by a careful whisper. The youngest captain grimaced as though he had swallowed something sour.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you... Itou-sensei will be joining us, too. Kondou-san is fond of him, so there is no hope he'd change his mind, although the rest of us are not too happy about his choice."

Akiha profusely apologized for spilling tea, availing herself of the opportunity to scrutinize the stranger. He had a handsome face, but there was something guileful in it and in the way he glanced around the room, furtively and with certain fastidiousness, as though he had an ulterior motive for everything he said. He wore his hair in a neat topknot, but a few loose tresses fell on his shoulders with certain pretension for elegance. Akiha could not understand why, but as she felt aversion for Shinonome from the first glance, she took an instant dislike to Itou. When she returned from the kitchens with more tea, she bowed to the stranger and watched his expression change from that of lazy benevolence to curiosity as his eyes rested on her face. When she was at a great distance from him and could not hear what he said, Itou turned to Kondou and whispered into his ear words which clearly evoked the commander's displeasure. Suddenly she wanted to disappear; she so stood out among the Shinsengumi that anyone who walked in from the street questioned her presence and she had to fight a strong desire to apologize to everyone for her existence.

Then she took a seat behind Harada and Heisuke at the low wooden table on which stood a bowl of rice with boiled vegetables in it. "I see now why everyone dislikes Itou-sensei."

"Told ya he is suspicious."

Akiha picked up a piece of mushroom with chopsticks and swallowed it, "Have you perchance been to my house, Heisuke-kun? Have you seen my father and... that book I asked you about, have you found it?"

"No, I haven't seen your father, but I did bring you an old manuscript. What's so important about it?"

"It contains my family's history and my father's medicinal recipes for poultices and styptic matters. I hope it will help you discover some valuable knowledge on..."

"How are you feeling, brat? Enjoying your meal?" Okita's heavy palm landed on her shoulder and words stuck in her throat.

"S-souji?"

He threw a meaningful glance at Itou, then at her, twisting his lips contemptuously, and only then did it dawn on her that she was about to speak of the shogunate's secret in front of a stranger who could have overheard her words. Noticing her confusion, Okita broke into a smile, "Worry not, I will look out for you."

Akiha licked her dry lips and cast down her eyes. "My father... I wish to look into his face and ask him why he involved himself in such gruesome affairs, but I recall Ikedaya, the corpses lying on the floor... and I know that you had a reason to slay them. Will I ever see his reasons like I had seen yours?"

"Don't overthink, brat, it isn't your duty. Leave all the complex matters to Hijikata and Kondou and let the likes of us simply follow orders. Am I right, Heisuke-kun?"

"Whatever you say," mumbled the youngest captain.

Whereas the man himself laughed easily and without reason, his eyes rarely did and it was the coldness in them which betrayed his attitude. However, Akiha felt a sudden inexplicable desire to smile.

"While it may be true for me, I cannot believe that a gifted swordsman like yourself is mindlessly following orders."

"How would you know? I serve the shogun as everyone, but first and foremost I came here with a great samurai, Kondou, who... ah, what is the point of hiding it from you, brat? I owe Kondou my life and therefore it wholly belongs to him; I became a great swordsman because he accepted me into his dojo and let my talent flourish. If he at this very moment rose and ordered me to commit seppuku because I have broken the code of conduct, I would without hesitation comply."

"How does it feel to devote your life to someone else?.. I wonder. I miss my father, but even so... if I never find him, however heartrending the thought is, I will live on without him."

Souji carelessly shrugged his shoulders. "It isn't easy to describe in words and you won't understand until it happens to you naturally, like breathing... But save your questions for later, Kondou is about to speak."

Indeed, the commander rose, solemnly glancing round the room, and loudly proclaimed, "When I was in Edo, I had the honor of meeting an old friend and I invited him to join our cause. He agreed with great gladness. It is my pleasure to introduce to you Itou Kashitaro. Accept him as one of our own and treat him with kindness and respect."

Hijikata's smile wasn't welcoming or cheerful and neither were the expressions of most Shinsengumi captains present in the room, however, none compared to the bitter disappointment displayed on Sannan's face. He quitted his seat, stood aloof and when Kondou-san began introducing his comrades to the new staff officer, he quietly slipped outside.

...In the evening Akiha had time to read and although she intended to skim through the manuscript, soon she found herself immersed in an extraordinary tale of her family's deeds – more than two centuries of bloody betrayals and intrigues. For a week afterward, she couldn't sleep until early in the morning, when darkness was the thickest; only then would she succumb to overwhelming fatigue which even her natural curiosity could not fight off. She could not explain why she fancied a long red thread, piercing through generations and connecting them, like beads. Akiha hitherto listened to her father's words with half an ear, but now she realized why he emphasized the importance of knowing family's history and why he wished she sometimes were a boy, for it was the past which defined the future. In the past the bloody-red thread of fate, or karma, began and only at its source could the answers be found. Even if she married a wealthy man or a man of power, her clan name would be forever lost.

It was then that she discovered who Kazama truly was. Oni preferred not to intervene into affairs of humans, but those greedy of power and unscrupulous in their means to seize it, who were aware of their existence, always desired to involve them in the intrigues of the court. After Takeo's death, the Yukimura family permanently allied itself with Tokugawa Ieyasu and Kazama family, with the exception of a small fraction which joined the western daimyo, remained neutral. Takeo's oldest son was present on the Mount Matsuo when arquebusiers fired on their positions, being the one who persuaded the irresolute retainer to join the future shogun. After the battle of Sekigahara, Choshu fell from favor, but Satsuma managed to keep most of their influence. It was them who offered Kazama family aid when the eastern daimyo persecuted them and burnt their villages. Oni began marrying humans and giving birth to children with impure blood whose powers were diminished; only a few pure-blood demons remained and it was easy for her to guess that Kazama Chikage belonged to those few. She had proof that the oni did not lie, but the revelation threw her into confusion rather than inspiring her with courage and pride. And then, two and a half centuries later, a few years before she was born, the story abruptly ended as though the last scribe perished and no one was found to replace him. The red thread of fate vanished, but it was not torn, simply obscured from her sight and in darkness she wandered, seeking this thick, throbbing, hot thread – no, rather a vein of the same color as freshly spilled blood... The nightmares recurred every so often and in them, born out of her feverish imagination and by it given shape, she was seeing a temple, engulfed in flames, a burning figure of a man and her ancestor, plunging a broken bamboo stick, shattered at the end into thin, sharp splinters, in his stomach time after time, maddened by excruciating pain.

On one of those unusually sunny and warm autumn days, blessed by the benevolence of nature, Akiha visited Kitsuya teahouse again, drawn there by a strange desire to see Shinonome again, a woman who, notwithstanding the unpleasant feelings she evoked in the oni girl, fascinated her. She suspected the geisha would not be as eager to meet her and she did not err in her judgment; Shinonome was unkind, cold and did not hesitate to criticize her in the most humiliating of ways, yet she was not discouraged from visiting her weekly. Akiha had many reasons to be in Gion. When Kondou returned from Edo, she was urged by the vice-commander to tell him of her demonic origins and he calmly accepted her explanation. Heading to his quarters for a conversation and to give him a beautiful ukiyo-e with Fujisan, she overheard him and Hijikata talking about foreigners. Not a word was said about Niel Adams, however, it seemed that before the departure, the vice-commander asked him to make inquiries about them in Edo, for Kondou had visited doctor Matsumoto many times with the intentions to find out more about their weaponry and customs. In spite of Hijikata's concern, the commander appeared to have remained adamant in his unfavorable attitude towards Westerners. 'You must know your enemy to know yourself,' remarked Hijikata in a slightly displeased tone, but Kondou brushed off his words with his usual tirade about the bushido. She was worried and worry gave her strength to finally show up at the doors of the teahouse in Gion district. There was another clandestine feeling, guiding her, but Akiha refused to acknowledge it even to herself – a feeling of deep satisfaction. As beautiful and proud as Shinonome was, she nonetheless had a weakness and Akiha sensed it keenly; the geisha fell in love with the famous demon vice-commander and in her heart, which she closed to everyone, she found unfamiliar cruelty growing. Akiha knew that Toshizou lost interest in his geisha; Akiha, powerless and worthless, knew how with a few carefully chosen words to wound this haughty woman deeply and painfully and with that knowledge she could endure any humiliation.

On the first winter day, which happened to be as warm as any day in early fall, Akiha learned that one of the younger samurai committed seppuku for allegedly violating the code of conduct, extorting or soliciting money from merchants for his poor family. She would not think of it much if he wasn't blamed for the incident in Kyoto she witnessed when she wanted to buy a ukiyo-e. She could have sworn the assailant was older. Overcome with suspicions, she loitered around the residence and finally noticed a shady samurai slip through the gates, alone. He looked awfully like Itou-sensei, but dressed as a simple ronin. Having left a short note for Inoue, she hurried after him and luck favored her when she managed to catch up to him and follow him to Gion district. She lost him inside Kitsuya teahouse which was filled with the usual visitors and geigi who entertained a pair of important guests – councilors no less, she thought to herself. It was a frustrating mistake, but none Akiha could immediately rectify and so she resolved to finding Shinonome. She was readying herself for the performance, surrounded by maiko who combed her hair and tied her kimono of finest silk whose color boldly imitated the sea wave, the prettiest kimono Akiha had ever seen. She wanted to touch it, but Shinonome's glare stopped her.

"I am getting ready to entertain Katsu Kaishu himself, I have no time to bother about you. Go find Ueno!"

Katsu Kaishu was a renowned statesman and held many important posts in the Tokugawa navy; Akiha knew of him because Hijikata and Kondou always suspected him of ties to the foreigners ever since he traveled to America.

"I did not wish to see Ueno. I wish to ask a favor of you, a small one... Can I for one evening become a maiko?"

Shinonome derisively pursed her lips and one of the girls behind her back giggled. "That is the strangest request I have ever received. How can I make out of an ungainly creature such as yourself a beautiful woman? Your hair is tangled, you stoop too much and..."

"But I was a maiko... once... I can sing. Okita said I can sing very well..."

"Your hands do not look as though you had ever touched a shamisen in your life, but be it so. Give her my old instrument, I want to hear her sing."

A maiko who giggled gladly obeyed her onee-san's request, extending her an old shamisen, and she placed her fingers onto the strings, closed her eyes, surrendering herself to music as to a gentle and passionate lover...

Shinonome interrupted her with feigned horror, "No, no... How awful! The Sun Goddess herself should have forbidden you from touching the strings of shamisen. A samurai would hardly tell a song from the drunken bawl of his companions. Whoever said you had talent was either drunk or deaf." Akiha knew that Hijikata's geisha would be unkind to her – she was beautiful but utterly consumed by wild passions – however, her words wounded deeper than she anticipated and she averted her face. "You must sing from your heart if you sing about love, but perhaps you never loved a man. Not unlike many foolish girls your age, you confused love with the basest desire or another equally simple and explicable feeling."

"You are wrong, I loved him... I would do anything for him, but he died... left me forever..." Akiha glanced at the door with a plum tree, which in semi-darkness seemed withered and dead.

"Would you do anything for him or... for yourself? If it is any consolation to you, I was like you once, but it took a man like Hijikata-san to teach me what love is. How brightly it burns in my heart! How painful is his absence!" She outstretched her arms into the distance, as though unaware of Akiha's presence, and finished in a whisper, which sent shivers down her spine. "_When darkness comes, I burn hotter than any firefly – does he not come because he cannot see my light*?_"

Shinonome's name meant dawn and it should not belong to a woman so refined and cruel. Akiha restlessly fidgeted on the tatami, but when she addressed the geisha, her voice betrayed no doubt or fear. "I must hear what Katsu Kaishu speaks of tonight. Please, Shinonome, help me."

"Why would I aid you, silly, clumsy girl?"

"What if I help him see your light, will you let me stay?"

Shinonome laughed ostentatiously loudly, the laughter resounding in Akiha's ears as gritting of stones, but the geisha's countenance changed and she knew that her words had struck a chord in her heart. "Have you lost your wits?! He is the Shinsengumi vice-commander, the demon, the wolf of Mibu... he does what he desires and you cannot exert influence on him in any way, silly girl. He will sooner listen to a wall than to anything you say."

Akiha once again averted her face, only this time to hide a bright spark in her eyes. "I can lie to him, I can lure him here and whether he stays of leaves will depend on how you receive him."

"He'll kill you!"

"I'll pray to the Light of the East** that he wouldn't. But my lot should not be of any concern to you! Find me a place where I can listen to the every word exchanged between those men and I will repay your kindness," Akiha bowed again although Shinonome stared at her with unhidden hatred. "Please."

...She returned before sunlight had been utterly extinguished by ink-black darkness so as not to vex Kondou-san or Hijikata-san who had meted out strict punishment to the captains and regular members if they violated the curfew. She slipped through the gate behind which in late summer white flowers bloomed forlornly, but now only withered stems bowed humbly to the ground, flashed a brilliant smile at Harada, which left him in perplexity, and almost ran towards Hijikata's quarters. Crisp air burnt in her lungs and all around her reigned unnatural stillness. The vice-commander sat on the floor, dressed in a simple indigo yukata, his long hair undone casually, and wrote something on the smooth and thin rice paper. Akiha wanted to peek over his shoulder to read at least a few words, but curbed her untimely curiosity. Warm yellow light fell on his handsome features and in it they seemed gentler, as though bereft of the usual shade of severity, and the sight astounded her, leaving a strong impression in her mind. How could he become so different a person?

"Yukimura-chan, is something the matter?" He asked with a slight frown, but it could not utterly erase the gentleness which the light imparted to his countenance. "You look, forgive my bluntness, as if a demon chased after you."

She was all in a glow from overwhelming excitement and anxiety and for a moment she could but stand silently, recovering her breath.

"I have something... important... to tell you... Hijikata-san," she covered her mouth with her hand and seated herself nearby. "As I wrote Inoue, I noticed a suspicious samurai leaving the residence... I thought it was Itou-sensei, but I lost him in a teahouse. There I heard a name, Katsu Kaishu, and I hid there, listening... I listened for a few hours and then before the moon came out, I left and ran... as fast as I could. I did not wish to worry either of you, I am fine, really."

"Katsu Kaishu..." The vice-commander mused, putting a small brush aside. "That is a name I haven't heard for a while. Do continue."

"Katsu Kaishu met the illustrious brother of the military commissioner, Matsudaira Tetsunosuke, for a cup of sake and a casual conversation in Gion. They did not suspect their words could be heard and so they spoke freely. They seemed to be in a disagreement about something... no, about the Shinsensgumi," she corrected herself momentarily. "The naval officer said that you do not protect Kyoto or preserve peace, but incite needless violence which only brings closer the imminent downfall of the shogun. They argued. Matsudaira-san disagreed, saying that the Bunkyu reform was a success. His words frightened me... What is Bunkyu reform, Hijikata-san?"

He was in a benevolent mood and therefore replied at once, "Politics is not a straight road, Yukimura-chan. There are many twists and turns and you never know where you will stumble over a stone you didn't see. You can never expect who will be your enemy and who will be your friend; views change, like fickle wind, for men are plagued by vices and doubts. They sit and think when a decisive solution is required... Neither bakufu, nor the daimyo are united by a singular goal; some believe foreigners should be expelled, others think we should accept them and learn from them if we wish to oppose them and then there are those who only wish peace. They believe the right answer doesn't exist!" Hijikata's eyes flashed fire. "The damned cowards hide behind Naosuke's shadow, wondering whether we are strong enough to repel the foreign invasion. You will never know until you try... And, no, the Bunkyu reform turned out a disaster. It was an attempt to appease the daimyo who were angered by the Ansei purge. Those damn bigwigs shouldn't be appeased."

Something seemed to have angered the vice-commander.

"Is it why the shogun chose to support the Emperor's edict?" Akiha asked.

"When the daimyo are in the state of grievous disagreement, each acts selfishly, but the bakufu is held responsible for each action. When Choshu attack foreigners, they demand reparations from the shogunate whose gold reserve is scanty as it is. When Choshu or Tosa cause discord in Kyoto, the Emperor asks the bakufu to placate them. If the prices of salt and soy go up, we are blamed. When the ronin rebel, the shogunate is left to deal with them. Shinsengumi were born because at least one of them had a brain; instead of fighting the enemy with regular forces, they enlisted the support of loyal roshi... It seems every time we are weakened, that's what is happening! That's enough for you to know which rumors to listen to..."

Akiha shivered, "I bring ill news, I fear. The Mito faction, which is supposed to be the closest to the Tokugawa family, rebelled. There was a slaughter at Tsukubayama and now Matsudaira-san is required to deploy a force to fight them, peasants are being armed with firearms... Terrible things are happening..."

"Damn it..." whispered Hijikata, clenching his fists. However, he quickly recovered his composure and smiled reassuringly. "You have nothing to fear, however. This is why the bakufu has us and we shall not falter regardless of what Kaishu believes. The storm will doubtlessly pass one day. And," he suddenly cheered up, "you did well, kid. I was about to scold you again for running off who knows whereto."

Akiha hung her head because her eyes filled with tears, "Thank you for your kind words, Hijikata-san. I will listen to the rumors more attentively now. I also suspect at least a few of those geigi spy for the Choshu or Tosa, I am not sure yet, but I will immediately warn you if I discover anything."

"Then find me those spies," she could have sworn Hijikata was smirking.

"I have another question..."

"What, more questions? Your curiosity is insatiable," he feigned to be discontented, but somehow Akiha knew that he didn't mind them at all that night.

"I was wondering about you and Kondou-san..." She began with uncertainty, but his silence was encouraging. "You knew each other for a long time, you are almost brothers and yet Kondou-san is a loyalist."

"You are thinking of politics as a straight road again. We have opposite views on some matters, but it doesn't in any way hinder us. On the contrary... sometimes we see a different perspective clearer."

His words seemed wise and right. "I am not certain what to believe in anymore. I never meant ill to the Westerners, but now I see why they are not well received and I... It doesn't matter, of course, forgive me..."

"And what is it that you ask forgiveness for? Have you done or said anything wrong?"

"I haven't," she hesitated.

"Ask forgiveness when you were rude or misjudged someone, but ask for none if you are guiltless," he stared into the distance where behind the windows rose the pure white moon. "Now, go and rest, I will tell Kondou the news."

She did not want to mention Shinonome in fear of a stinging rebuke and at the same time she did not want to leave yet.

"Saito told me the other day that you used to carry the medicine basket..."

He laughed, "I am busy, so off you go."

She was not fatigued, but there was no objecting the vice-commander. Akiha bowed and slipped outside. She found the way to her room in the silvery strip of moonlight, which like a road, rose to the skies and she wistfully wondered if one could walk upon it one day – if not now, then decades or centuries later, someone might discover the mysteries of the night sky, but it wouldn't be her. Tossing and turning on her futon, she kept looking at the moon in a vain attempt to silence her thoughts which refused to let her exhausted body rest. Countless questions swarmed her mind and she could not clutch at any one, could not rest on any one, in spite of her efforts. What if Shinonome was right and she never loved the treacherous Irishman? What if she made a wrong decision to serve the shogunate? Will she ever see her father again? Why did he leave her? They led into so many different directions, but none offered solace to her tormented soul. Akiha fell into uneasy doze with first rays of the rising sun and when she woke up to clean the bloody haori, she could barely keep her eyes open. It was a cold and windless morning and frost bit her hands as she tried to wash the crimson stains off the light-blue garments, which was difficult even when blood was fresh. Soon her fingers turned red and it pained her to move them. They had special stretching frames, not like ordinary folk, to hang their clothes and there she brought the clean haori. By the time she hung the last one, clouds covered the sun, shadows fell onto the ground and the first haori turned rigid as water in creases froze. Breathing on her hands, Akiha hurried inside, but she had scarcely moved away a few steps when Itou-sensei nearly bumped into her.

"My, my, I apologize for my bad manners, but we haven't been properly introduced. What inadvertence on my part!" She did not like his smile which reminded her of the Irishman although the two men bore no resemblance to each other.

"Yukimura Akiha," she replied politely. "Forgive me, Itou-sensei, I am in a hurry..." She did not want to talk lengthily with him.

"Wait, I only wondered if you were cold..."

Akiha turned around, seized by inexplicable fear. "No, no, I am all right."

He wanted to ask her something else, but Heisuke came to her rescue, waving at her from the porch and she hurried to take up on his offer and join him for breakfast. Akiha felt she would not get along with Itou, but she had not yet realized how badly. Fate made another knot on the bloody-red thread.

* * *

*A love poem in the _Kokinshu_

**Great Gongen, Light of the East – name given to Tokugawa Ieyasu when he was deified.

**~o~o~o~**

_So... 6 chapters in I decided to ask what you think so far. :)_


	7. A fleeting vision

**_VII. A fleeting vision_**

It was a snowy, starless night, one of those incredible nights when rare passersby appeared gaunt and narrower than ever, when silvery trees guarded silently and vigilantly the banks of Kama river, and the wind wailed lamentably, like a child, chilling to the bone. Akiha could not sleep, frightened by that wind, which was scratching and scratching the door to her room for hours. She sat on the futon, hugging her knees and shivering either from fear or cold, and dreamed of summer nights which were filled with besotting smells and sounds although she was betrayed one such peaceful night. She would relive that night, but her gaze could not penetrate the gray wall which always rose before her mind's eye and beyond it was nothing. The truth was emptiness. Yet, how could emptiness inflict so much sorrow?

If Shinonome was right, then she wanted to leave with the Irishman because she had been lying to herself; her heart had been clouded with a selfish wish and she did not resemble in the least the women in Saikaku's stories who fearlessly violated the rules of society for men with whom they could not be. In her world people were treacherous; the Irishman perhaps knew he would betray her from the moment he had laid eyes on her and she only desired to be... unchained. She was insincere and Hijikata once told her that sincerity was of great importance in any endeavor. _Blooms scatter soon after they bloom and people grieve._

Akiha raised her head, but dropped it momentarily, as if the weight of heavens rested on her shoulders. She would pray to the Light of the East in one of his shrines, where from niches would gaze at her kind and forgiving eyes of Oda Nobunaga, but the closest one was further from Kyoto than Osaka castle and she could not dream of journeying there. Somewhere in the thin bluish haze hid a bewilderingly amazing temple with a curved roof, elusive as the mist enveloping it.

Shinonome's face haunted her, the glimpse of which she caught through the chink in the sliding door when Hijikata-san and Kondou-san paid their geisha a sudden visit (not due to any particular effort on her part, it should be said, but because luck favored her). Gentle humbleness was etched on it; not a trace of contempt or coldness remained, not a trace of ostentatious vanity and arrogance. Could it be that she misjudged Shinonome?

Suddenly light footfall was heard from the dark corridor and she pricked up her ears, climbing from underneath the blanket. In the narrow streak of light she saw a tall man whom she recognized as Sannan-san after she noticed his mutilated arm, and quietly slipped out of her room. Sannan-san had distanced himself from everyone after Itou-sensei joined the Shinsengumi, spending time in his room with glass flasks, claiming he was purifying the Water of Life. From her father's notes, Akiha learned that anyone who drank it, would soon be consumed by maddening bloodlust, but those side effects could be alleviated if certain herbs were added in required quantities. That must be the reason why the furies were kept apart from the rest of the Shinsengumi as well as why only a chosen few were allowed to drink Ochimizu. But even her father did not know what he needed from a long list of medicinal herbs which he compiled over the years. She was reluctant to show it to Sannan-san because she wanted him to abandon the futile endeavor, but due to the former vice-commander's resolve and stubbornness her hopes were slowly extinguishing.

Sannan turned the corner, Akiha followed him and when they entered the common room, she boldly revealed herself. The former vice-commander seemed displeased, but she felt she could influence him, talk him out of whatever disastrous decision he must have made – otherwise, he would not be sneaking around the residence like a thief in the night.

"Go back to bed, Yukimura-chan."

"Sannan-san, please hear me out..." She pleaded. "You don't need to expose yourself to such dangers needlessly."

"And what do you think I am about to do?"

"Long ago I guessed you wanted to drink Water of Life in hope it would restore your arm, but I thought you would give up when you'd realize that the gain is not worth the sacrifice. You would be driven mad! How is it not the sensible decision?"

"How little you understand..." A sad smile appeared on Sannan's lips, a ghost of a grin she would see on Heisuke's face or Souji's. " I have to try, even knowing that I can fail. No one would say to my face, except for Itou, that you have become more of an asset to the Shinsengumi as a spy than I am. Dead as a swordsman, I might as well die as a man."

She closed the door behind her and pressed both hands to her chest. "You are so proud, all of you... Saito, Souji, Hijikata-san... How do you compare me to yourself? I have nothing while you were with them at Shieikan dojo."

"Duty is higher than friendship, goal supersedes sentiments. You led them to Furutaka's capture, you continue spying for them at the teahouses in Gion, risking your well-being, while I sit in this house, a prisoner in my own room, unable to recover from my injury, unable to offer them even a simple advice now that Itou is around. I am useless and my pride... became a nuisance."

Sannan averted his face, procuring out of his pocket a small, delicate-looking bottle with blood-red liquid in it, harmless on the first glance, but she was aware of the danger it contained for anyone who dared drinking it.

"No, don't speak like that!" Akiha nearly screamed at him.

"And why would you care what I say?"

"It hurts too much... to see you suffer because of what my father did."

An expression on Sannan's face could be described as amused disgust, "What a simple girl you are! Your reasoning is selfish. Think of it how I think and you'll realize that he might have saved my life. Yesterday, if you must know, I argued with Hijikata about where we should move our quarters since both of us agreed that the Yagi residence is becoming too small to accommodate everyone with comfort after Kondou returned from Edo with reinforcements. He didn't even listen to my objections to his bold intentions to move into the Nishi Hoganji temple which is currently occupied by the Choshu. For a moment I contemplated leaving although I knew what that decision of mine would be fraught with."

Akiha's mouth felt dry as she realized what Sannan meant; the Shinsengumi were abiding by a severe code of conduct which was unforgiving to deserters.

"You wouldn't have..." Sannan wasn't listening to her weak prattle as she searched for the words to attract his attention, to convince him somehow... Suddenly she felt tired, defeated and even the burning pain in her chest subsided. "You know that you will go mad, craving for human blood."

"It's a risk I am willing to take. If I succumb to madness, call Souji to kill me... Don't let Heisuke see me."

AKiha's face turned white as sheet. "I cannot promise you such a terrible thing, but I give you my word I will find a way to help you."

Sannan uncorked a small bottle and swallowed the crimson liquid in it in one gulp. It was the first time that Akiha witnessed a human turning into a fury and it was an awful sight to behold indeed. Sannan's countenance paled, his features were distorted beyond recognition, he clutched at his throat, clawing his skin as the unquenchable thirst began to overwhelm his senses, and that madness reflected in his gaze. Whiteness covered his hair as though he was aging before her eyes. The empty bottle rolled on the floor when Sannan dropped it and Akiha took a step towards the door.

"Sannan-san, can you hear me?"

The voice she heard resembled a croak. "I-I failed... run, Yukimura-chan!"

A pair of bloodshot eyes stared at her and Akiha didn't need to hear his order twice. She made a dart for the door as fast as she could, but Sannan anticipated it, barring her way with inhuman speed, and stood before her an embodiment of a creature from her nightmare, a demon like Serizawa.

"Blood..." he screeched, reaching for her arm, "give me blood..."

She remembered that Okita's room was the first one to the left and cried out his name as loudly as she could. Sannan's fingers were like steel; the more she struggled, the stronger became their grip on her wrist and tears welled up in her eyes. "Let me go!"

"What have you done to yourself, Sannan?" Souji appeared on the threshold as though summoned by a benevolent god, still wearing his night kimono, which meant that he left his room in a hurry, answering her call for aid.

"He drunk the Water.. of Life..." She sunk to her knees and at that very moment Sannan's grip slackened, the man himself moved away, stooping and trembling all over.

"I am losing my ability to reason just like the others... you have to... kill me..."

Akiha crawled into the corridor, leaning against the wall, and shook her wrist on which a bruise would show in a few hours and disappear by dawn. "Can you stall him, Souji? I think I know how to aid him, but I won't be able to do anything if he chases after me."

"What kind of question is that, Akiha-chan?" A grin, a glimmer of moon light on the blade and the loud gritting of steel. Okita engaged Sannan fearlessly, as though the vice-commander was still his former self, exchanging blows with him in the same careless manner as when they were practicing. Recalling what furies were capable of, she hurried to her room and there rummaged through her belongings, finding between pages of the manuscript a small paper envelope with an unfamiliar herb blend which her father believed could relieve Sannan's suffering if only for a short while. She did not want to give it away until she could replicate it, but she had little choice now. By the time she returned to the common room, others had gathered therein and she found Heisuke, Saito and Hijikata as well as Souji and Sannan-san who lay on the floor in a crimson pool. The sight made her blood freeze.

"Why have you killed him, Souji? I said I would find a... way..." Her lips trembled by the time she finished speaking.

"Relax, brat, he passed out from blood loss, but he'll be fine in a few hours. Furies heal very quickly. I had to do it," he knit his brow, "because the stubborn idiot just would not cease coming at me with speed and strength of a fury commander."

"I see," Saito knelt by Sannan's body. "He will recover, no doubt, but is he strong enough to defeat madness?"

"I have something here," Akiha extended Saito the paper envelope. "When he wakes up, give him this medicine with tea..."

"Who gave you that medicine? How did Sannan become a fury?" Angrily demanded Hijikata. "Can someone explain to me what is going on?"

"If this medicine can help Sannan-san, we should accept it," quietly said Heisuke.

Akiha pressed a finger to her lips and smiled reassuringly at the youngest captain. "When Heisuke was in Edo, I asked him to visit my home," she then said. "I discovered this herbal blend in my father's notes on Ochimizu, however, I did not want to mention it until I understood how to make it myself. But now... Sannan needs it."

Hijikata's gaze lingered on her face and she met it with dignity because she did not lie. "Why were you awake so late at night?"

"I couldn't sleep. Then I heard footsteps and I thought to myself who could be wandering around the house after midnight. It was Sannan-san. I followed him and we briefly spoke before he drank Water of Life, having displayed adamant resolve to do so regardless of what I said." _How badly did you argue yesterday if he was so desperate?_

"Shouldn't we take Sannan to his room before the bustle attracts a large crowd?" Asked Saito. When the vice-commander nodded, he with Heisuke's help picked up Sannan's lifeless body and carried it away. The sole reminder of the late-night tragedy was the blood-stained tatami and they without words understood that before dawn it would have to be cleaned.

"I'll bring hot water," she suggested when silence became unbearable.

"It won't help us hide the incident from Itou," Souji coughed into his fist. "When sunlight penetrates through that window into the room, the stain, however faded, will become visible. He will begin asking questions and we will have to devise a good lie if we want him to believe it."

Hijikata stood, his arms hidden in the wide sleeves of his haori (when did he have time to pull it on?), and fixedly looked at the treacherous stain, "I am more concerned with Sannan's health than with the lack of a proper cover-up story, but Souji is right. If word gets out that commanders become furies... I don't know how much our reputation can suffer before..." His voice trailed off. "Couldn't you be a little more gentle with him?!"

"It's easy for you to say! Sannan was an excellent swordsman even before he turned into a fury."

"You are right, of course," Akiha could have sworn that Hijikata heaved a sigh. "What done is done... I'll speak with Kondou in the morning. We are going to have to move even sooner now that Sannan is a rasetsu. I suggested Nishi Hoganji temple, an excellent strategic location and a thorn in the side of Choshu."

"I think I know what we might do," Akiha timidly gave tongue. "I will clean the tatami and then spill raspberry tea where blood soaked into the straw mattress. Itou knows of my clumsiness and..."

"And then we will tell him that Sannan-san died in a skirmish," finished Saito upon entering. "Heisuke is with him so you shouldn't worry. He woke up in pain, but the herbs Akiha-chan gave us helped quench his bloodlust."

"Then it is decided," Hijikata concluded in a tone which allowed for no objections. "Tomorrow we shall discuss where to move our headquarters and until then we are going to be even more vigilant. And you... avoid Itou as much as possible. He knows he cannot trick us into talking, but you... you are a different matter altogether."

She nodded, stifling a yawn – how tired she would have felt if she wasn't all in a dither! - and headed to the door where Souji stood, leaning against the wall. "Why are you smiling?" She quietly asked.

"Life is so fleeting a moment; one day you are full of strength and zeal, you have all these fortified fortresses of intentions and armies of dreams at your disposal, and the next you are a cold body rotting in the ground. I don't have time to grieve over my misfortunes."He replied as if nothing were wrong, but there was a flicker of wistful sorrow in his green eyes."If he left instead of drinking Water of Life, I would be assigned to assist him in suicide. No, truly, I have no time for sadness and worry."

Hijikata did not warn her in vain. In the morning Kondou-san announced Sannan's death, but the brief explanation did not satisfy Itou in the least and his dissatisfaction was evident despite his attempts to convince them otherwise. Later that day he confronted her while she was preparing evening tea for Nakagura and his unit as they were getting ready to head out into the cold night. He hailed dozens of questions upon her, but she anticipated them and replied tersely, firmly, nor for once deviating from her tale. 'I spilled raspberry tea in the common room early in the morning,' she insisted. 'Sannan-san is dead. It's a terrible loss for the Shinsengumi, but I was not told how he perished. I work in the kitchens therefore it isn't me who you should be asking.' Itou left empty-handed.

The enemy, too, was watchful. She often heard the name, Kido Koin, ominously echoing through the halls of Kitsuya teahouse, but even Kondou did not know him. Katsu Kaishu was placed under house arrest in his Edo residence a few days after he met with Matsudaira Katamori's brother for obscure reasons, yet the arrest could only mean that his loyalty to the Tokugawa shogunate was questioned not only among the Shinsengumi commanders. The red thread of fate, like the cord with which Hijikata tied his mask while practicing kenjutsu, bound them together. Akiha saw him and the rest of the captains training every day separately or with the new recruits. Then Yamazaki brought alarming news from Osaka. Radical Choshu or Tosa stirred trouble in the town only ten ri* away from Kyoto and it did not take Kondou long to obtain the necessary permission from the Aizu daimyo which allowed them to conduct their investigation there. The commander himself left to discuss with Matsudaira Katamori how to buy two new canons for the Shinsengumi, Sannan had to sleep during the day, Okita caught a persistent cold and it was left up to Saito, Hijikata and Inoue-san to look into those rumors. Akiha left with them, having dressed as a young page; using her father's recipes, she prepared herbal poultices from aloe so that if any of the Shinsengumi members received wounds, they would not have to seek out an unfamiliar doctor. She only prayed that their wounds would not be severe, for she was not certain of her abilities to treat anything but minor cuts.

They arrived to Osaka in the hour of the snake according to the clock whose rings had been replaced** the day before. The snow lay here and there in dirty-white scraps and only the cherry trees, which grew outside Osaka castle, were covered in pristine silver. They appeared to be in blossom. Light wind which blew from the sea tore off snowflakes like flower petals, twirled them and gently dropped them onto the street or onto the windowsill or onto a warm palm of a happy child where they thawed into tiny water droplets. Streets were crowded with people, who gathered near kabuki theaters and shops, in spite of the gloomy weather. They passed the Osaka castle where Saito remarked about a great samurai, Sanada Yukimura, who defended it once against the superior forces of Tokugawa Ieyasu. Suddenly Hijikata, looking rather confused, turned the corner of the small street and ordered them to stay there, hidden. To Saito's inquiry, he replied in an irritated voice:

"I used to... know a woman here, in Osaka. I think we just passed her. Due to the delicate nature of our investigation, I could not risk being recognized."

"Hijikata-san is hiding from his numerous lovers again," calmly concluded Saito. "It happens to him every now and then so don't be surprised."

"Saito, stop talking rot!" Indignantly protested the vice-commander. "I forgot her name, but I remember she has a tongue longer and sharper than my Kanesada.*** If she recognized me, in a few hours the whole Osaka would know of our investigation!"

Saito smiled faintly, looking unconvinced, but his words nevertheless lightened Akiha's worries. They continued walking along the narrow alley, Saito leading their small procession and Yamazaki a few steps behind her at the rear. When the alley, like a small rivulet, merged with the wider, more boisterous street, Inoue-san came abreast with her and began telling her stories from Osaka's colorful past. Osaka, as it turned out, was a city of merchants and samurai showed little respect for the chonin,**** but Osaka merchants were allowed to form guilds. Before she rarely had a chance to converse with the captain of the Sixth Unit who was the oldest among them, but she found his company pleasant. In another life he could have been her father, a strange thought flitted across her mind.

...Yamazaki warned them of the enemy's presence by a red bean shop – a few ronin from Tosa han entered it shortly before them. Immediately, Hijikata ordered Inoue to guard the back entrance and left her outside. "We don't know how many of them are inside, but we have to go in," he explained and with Saito at his side walked into the small shop. She wanted to sneak inside, but she did not need to disobey an order, for soon the fighting roshi spilled out into the street like a turbid stream. The Shinsengumi did not wear their usual blue haori not to attract unwanted attention in Osaka and Akiha lost sight of Saito after she witnessed him killing a ronin with a swipe of the sword which he drew in one fluid motion. Hijikata fought with his back to her, but without Saito's explanations she could not discern the separate steps and tricks. He feigned thrusts and retreats and he implemented those distractions so masterfully and timely that his opponents fell into his traps time and time again. It was truly marvelous, how he moved. And then Akiha saw something which astounded her greatly. Hijikata crossed his sword with one of the Tosa ronin and as he pushed his enemy's blade to the side and slid his own towards the tsuba, he in a blink of an eye flipped it and adroitly moved away. Akiha's frown deepened when Hijikata faked a strike to the body and then with swiftness of wind raised his katana (the enemy's followed, but slowly, so slowly!), thrusting its sharp tip into the ronin's neck. Blood sprinkled onto the vice-commander's purple kimono and the body collapsed at his feet, motionless. The fighting ceased soon afterward, seven men with Tosa clan emblems on their clothing lay on the snow, none was spared. Saito received a light cut to his forearm, which he ordered her to ignore, but Inoue-san, defending the back entrance with Yamazaki, was deeply wounded in the thigh.

"Can you do anything for him?" Tersely asked Hijikata and she nodded.

"I am going to need a room and hot water."

They quickly carried Inoue to the temple which Shinsengumi occupied in Osaka, laid him onto the futon in one of the dark rooms and the monks hurried to comply with her requests which she had only few, asking for hot water and clean cloth. She spread the poultice over the gashes of the wound and bound them tightly; blood burst forth from between the lips, but stopped when she applied pressure, and Inoue uttered a moan of relief, closing his eyes briefly. Akiha thought her hands would shake, but fear was driven into the farthest corners of her mind by determination she had never felt before.

"Thank you, Akiha-chan." Inoue's voice was weak, but his life was in no imminent danger. "I want to give you a small gift to repay your kindness."

Her first impulse was to refuse, to tell him that it was her duty to aid them in any way possible, and hence his gratitude was needless, but then, washing her bloody hands, she with a small smile asked if he could buy her a pretty, but simple kimono which would remind her of a kimono which Shinonome wore when she performed for Katsu Kaishu. A kimono only a father would buy his daughter. Her request gladdened his heart so that he gave her enough gold to buy two, yet inasmuch as she was an honest girl, she bought a lilac yukata adorned with water lilies and returned the kind captain the rest.

Gazing at the setting winter sun, Akiha thought what she should do before Saito and Hijikata returned; she should prepare something, perhaps, food and tea and... a performance to entertain them after a hard, long day. She shivered, as fear overpowered her again, but this time she was not about to let the shadow of an Irishman who betrayed her trust rule her life. Her doubts were pitiful, she told herself, climbing into a bath, and Inoue would be so happy if he saw her wearing his gift. Seeing a smile on that old man's face filled her heart with unfamiliar warmth. As she slipped into the new kimono and tidied her long hair, she peered at her reflection in the small bronze mirror and realized how much she changed; her features became thinner, sharper, gaining a certain staidness which supplanted youthful frivolousness, and in her eyes she did not see naivete. Sadness was there in abundance and bitterness, but naivete... no, she was not naive any longer. Then she remembered Sannan's face, his finely wrought features twisted from pain into an ugly grimace. No, her fate was but another bead on a bloody-red thread.

Monks cooked their evening meal and she decorated the room. Hijikata and Saito returned after sunset. The vice-commander's face was darker than the thundercloud and the Third Unit captain appeared as calm as ever and under that calmness it was impossible to discern if he felt either worry or content. Inoue-san joined them as well, feeling better after he replenished his strength. Akiha, pouring tea into cups, let him inquire about the success (or failure, if Hijikata's expression was any sign to judge by) of their task. To her surprise, they completed the investigation without any hindrance from Tosa or Choshu or any other small clan, which supported their radical views. Then why did Hijikata-san look so displeased?

"They intended to set Osaka on fire and in the ensuing chaos take the castle with the small force," explained the vice-commander. "Sounds eerily familiar, doesn't it? They are becoming predictable and there is no worse mistake than that. Or perhaps it is us who are following a predictable path..."

"Why is it so?" She asked, recalling what Saito said about Souji being predictable in his choice of technique.

"There isn't a tactical decision or a sword technique which cannot be countered with a more effective one." Replied Saito since Hijikata seemed to have fallen into deep thought. "If you know what your enemy is about to do, then you have the advantage of devising a perfect counter measure and retaliating with something he would not expect, thus inflicting him a lot of damage."

"But we defeated the Tosa, we forestalled their intentions to capture the Osaka castle and you look as though it was them who triumphed over us," objected Inoue.

Saito took a sip from the teacup before giving her a reply. "After investigating their plans carefully, Hijikata-san suspects their activities were a decoy to distract our attention."

Akiha glanced at the vice-commander, but he slightly frowned in response to her unspoken question and resumed eating rice. Some time passed in utter silence, but she was determined to liven up their evening and such was her luck that Inoue understood what predicament she had found herself in.

"Why don't you sing for us, Akiha-chan?" He said suddenly and although his suggestion caught her unawares, she was glad he voiced out her desire.

"I-I gladly would although I have no shamisen with me. And if Hijikata-san wishes to listen to me." She wished her vehemently beating heart would calm down and fancied she held her instrument in her hands, placed her fingers onto the strings, tugged at them gently. "I hope my singing will be to your liking although once I was told I should sing no more."

And so she sang for them.

'_...__I set forth to fetch  
__W__ater from the River Oi_

_I wish I were a flowered raft__  
__floating downstream and escaping;_

_a flower to be taken in hand__  
__and redeemed from bondage._

_I have none to blame but myself,__  
__that I wander hopelessly..._' *****

"Who said you could not perform?" Asked Saito when the last sounds of her voice faded into silence.

"A geisha at a teahouse," she replied breathlessly, watching their faces for any sign of discontent, but finding none, and even the vice-commander, it seemed, harkened to her song. Akiha closed her eyes, wishing for the fleeting moment to last forever.

"You shouldn't listen to envious tongues," added Inoue, clapping his hands like a child. "Your song was chosen very well, a plaintive tune which in your rendition sounds just wonderful."

Akiha swallowed a lump in her throat and refilled their cups. "Perhaps, I chose a song too sad for the occasion. If so, I will tell you a story I read in my father's manuscript, the one my ancestor wrote down as he witnessed something unprecedented. As a retainer for one of the Oda Nobunaga's generals, he was invited to his residence a few times and once he saw a man there..." She couldn't suppress a giggle, "a man whom he thought to be covered in dirt so dark his face was. Everyone else thought so, too, and his lord ordered him to take a bath and scrub himself, but the dirt would not come off. The stranger's skin was as dark as ox's and he was stronger than ten men. Later he became a great warrior...******"

"A man with skin as dark as ox's hide... you made up a funny tale." Saito's blue eyes were smiling.

"I swear, it is true! My ancestor saw him and gave a detailed description of him, but I forgot..."

"It may as well be true," mused Hijikata. "Who knows what exists in the world beyond our vision. I would doubt your words strongly if you said he had ten arms or ten heads."

Inoue burst out laughing, "Why don't you read us your hokku, Hijikata-san? You used to do it quite often back at Shieikan and we enjoyed them a lot."

"Me? Why me? I am sure Saito remembers Chinese poetry..."

Akiha bowed low to hide her joy – her little scheme was a success. "Please, Hijikata-san. I am certain we will gladly listen to you."

"Fine," mumbled the vice-commander, "but don't complain afterwards, you asked me yourself." He cleared his throat. "_Hills and cherry trees... Marveling at their beauty, Let's drink together._"

Somehow the hokku set her laughing and she had to bite her lip mercilessly not to give into the merriment. Inoue, however, was not as reserved in his manners.

"Ha-ha-ha... I haven't heard this one yet, you certainly entertained us well, Hijikata-san."

Akiha could tell that the vice-commander chose it on purpose, but she refused to laugh not to offend him until Saito dispelled her fears.

"Don't hold back, Akiha-chan, we all know he isn't a particularly great poet, except for a few rare moments when his talent shines."

"Do you mean his hokku about butterflies?"

"That was one of his best, I admit."

They laughed together and the conversation flowed freely. After they exchanged a few no less absurd stories from Inoue's and Saito's childhood, Akiha availed herself of the opportunity and asked a question which was on her mind since the fight at the red bean shop.

"Why did you reverse your blade today when you fought those Tosa ronin, Hijikata-san?"

"Oh, you noticed," he didn't sound particularly surprised. "A samurai's spirit is twofold, his heart and will, and one of the most important character traits, according to Miyamoto Musashi, he possesses is compassion. These aren't the times suited for displays of mercy, but nevertheless before I kill a chance enemy, I give him a choice to surrender. Of course, they don't always surrender..." And he added darkly."I also prefer not to damage their wrists. In my life I've cut off more heads than fingers."

"Must you always say something sickening while we eat?"

"I didn't know you were so squeamish, Saito," echoed Hijikata in the same tone. "In your previous life you must have been a courtesan."

"I was simply worried for Akiha-chan," a smirk twisted the young captain's lips. "Forgive his awful manners. At times, it is an embarrassment to sit at one table with him."

She shook her head in confusion and then made a mistake of thinking how beautifully simple this moment was, a small, scarcely alight room, three people gathered in it, bound together by one worthy goal, and a girl who had a privilege to observe them, silently. The air felt oppressively hot and all of a sudden, she rose and ran out into the street. It was dark, the moonless sky stared into her soul, and Akiha stretched her arms into the never-ending night, the world appearing before her eyes, beautiful, cruel and fleeting, evoking in her a desire to embrace it, accept it, console it. Was it true compassion of which spoke Hijikata-san or did he mean something else entirely?

Hot, silent tears streamed down her cheeks.

* * *

*_ri_ – Japanese unit of length. In Edo period, it was equal to approx. 2.4 miles.

**Japanese day consisted of 12 hours and the rings for the clock were replaced on 7th of each month

***_Kanesada_ – Hijikata's favorite sword

****_chonin_ – townsfolk

***** _Saga no Haru _(Jiuta, ~19 c., Japan)

****** Akiha, being a 'naïve narrator', refers to Yasuke, the first recorded black samurai.

**~o~o~o~**

_Hope you like this chapter as well. :) I loved all your comments. _


	8. A sword which strikes at night

_**VIII. A sword which strikes at night**_

"Why have you come again? You are a... pestilence, I would say, persistent and annoying." Shinonome did not even turn to see her walk through the door which opened into the small inner garden abloom with spring flowers. "No," she continued contemptuously, "you are worse than a disease! How many times must I repeat that you bore me to tears?"

'Cherry trees are in full blossom along the Kamo river and their light petals cover the stream, like snow,' Akiha thought with aloofness and stared with unseeing eyes into the distance, into the serene vast of heaven where tangled in the gilded gossamer of light she envisioned herself fly. 'I am not here, I ceased to exist.'

She sat on the bench and replied dreamily, "Perhaps I felt alone and wished for a company. Ueno let me in as usual... But why do you loathe me so much? I deserved your hate, but nevertheless I cannot understand your spiteful attitude – you know nothing of me or my heritage or... I shouldn't speak of it. I seek something, but what is it that I seek? Even the precious reward is concealed from my sight and I wander aimlessly."

"You could have spoken to Ueno if you wanted company, but you choose time and time again to seek out me. I am not your mother to teach you proper behavior, I am not your sister to listen to your lamentations, I am not even your onee-san. Why do you cling to me so desperately, like a disease for which there is no cure? We come from two different worlds. You are a talentless foolish girl destined to raise progeny of an old, greedy merchant* – no one else would consider taking you as his wife – or if you are unlucky, give birth to a child out of wedlock from a roshi without a ryo to his name. I escaped the filth of poverty to marry a rich patron and never starve again. Never!" Shinonome's countenance was contorted by a grimace of fear and hatred for deeply both emotions had taken root in her heart. "If I have to lie or steal or forget about desires of my heart and choose a husband among the many older admirers I have, I would not hesitate so as not to return to the dirt where I was born."

"Men are creatures of vice, they lie and cheat and revel in their cruelty," Akiha retorted quietly. "I don't need a man; a warrior or a merchant, it makes no nevermind to me."

"A woman shines brightly only with a man beside her. Without one, you will starve to death among the numerous paupers of Kyoto. Your silliness and lack of sense amaze me and I keep asking myself how you survived until now... Fate must be merciful to you."

She jerked her chin, her eyes filling with malignant tears. "I serve the shogun, I need no one."

Hijikata's geisha laughed offensively at her defiant words and the many jeweled pins in her hair tinkled in time with her laughter. Their hairdos were so elaborate that they were required to sleep in them for days on a narrow pillow, ignoring the pain. Involuntarily Akiha touched her neck which remembered that numbness even after a year she spent sleeping in a comfortable bed. "Many claim to serve the shogun nowadays, but the reward for such service is meager. You flatter yourself, thinking that your effort means something to him, but he doesn't know your name or your face. Who brought you up with such ill manners?"

"My father is not at fault. He always told me that my lot is to be a dutiful wife to a man of his choosing, but he left and I..." She realized she was about to tell Shinonome about the Westerner and stubbornly compressed her lips, whisking a lone tear off her cheek. "My poor, poor father... I ignored his will and brought shame to his name, but my sacred duty compels me to do many terrible things and witness even more... and my heart aches..."

Their resettlement to the Nishi Hoganji temple, which became a matter of great urgency after Sannan drank the Water of Life, was marked by a rather ominous event which lingered in her memory; a young samurai committed seppuku and she, by mysterious will of fate, witnessed what resolve was required of those who dedicated their life to serving the shogun. The execution went wrong when Tani Sanjuro failed to behead the young man in one clean strike, as was expected of a samurai assisting in suicide; his sword stuck in the bone, blood spilled in abundance on the tatami as he swung again, with less success, and only after he tried thrice did the head fall off the shoulders and the body sank heavily to the floor. The youth's terrifying scream echoed in her ears for days, the gruesome sight haunted her and she could neither sleep nor eat. Tani Sanjuro was castigated by Kondou whose ire did not show often with such vehemence, but she felt no pity for him.

Akiha was so engrossed in memories that Shinonome's words fell on deaf ears. When she recovered from stupor, the geisha was speaking of something else entirely and with great effort she willed herself to harken to the conversation.

"...but every man cherishes a weakness in his heart, a strong attraction to a woman's beauty. Their power on which they pride themselves, their vanity which that pride begets, their insatiable ambition, all becomes naught when a woman entices them. Many men are truly pitiful creatures."

Akiha clenched the flaps of her threadbare brown kimono, glancing at Shinonome with annoyance, and she returned her glance with similar intensity. At times, the geisha appeared an ordinary woman as though her unearthly beauty was diminished by the senseless words she spoke. "You are undeniably beautiful while I possess no such quality, but we are both unhappy," she said with sudden severity. "I wander hopelessly in the dark, blind and confused, and you desire fervently a man whose sympathies are fickle as summer breeze; one day it blows from the sea, then it dies." She shuddered, remembering the Irishman's face. He compared love to a disease. "Whereas men seek beauty, they grow bored of it soon and search for something else. I thought Kondou-san's wife was beautiful, but I asked my friend and he described her as a woman of comely behavior, but with a noticeable defect on her face. He may play with Ueno and his many lovers, but he will always return home to his wife and child where his heart truly belongs. You believe you know men, but they are like a deep sea... the surface is tranquil, but underneath lies a dark, bottomless mystery."

For a moment, it seemed, Shinonome's former conceit was gone, but it could have been a figment of her imagination. "You've lived with the Shinsengumi for so long. You cannot say you never dreamed to be with one of them, to penetrate the shell which every man wears like a kimono regardless of season, and love that man with all your heart and soul. If you object to my words, I will not believe you."

Akiha shook her head and plucked a bedewed flower, twirling it in her fingers. "I built bridges to the clouds** once, I looked at the skies and grieved when shooting stars fell, imagining them to be lovers who could never return home. I will not be fooled again."

"Oh, you lied to me... Yes, you must have lied!"

"I-I... admire them for what they do..." She began hesitantly.

Shinonome gazed at her fixedly, having waved her hand, "Your feelings don't concern me, but know that you should not even as much as dream about Hijikata-san."

Upon hearing the vice-commander's name, Akiha was overcome with confusion and anger; she leaped to her feet, wishing to say something, but upon hearing those simple – or so they seemed – words she was startled beyond speech although belatedly she realized that her reaction might create a wrong impression on the vindictive woman. How dared Shinonome to suggest that instead of serving the Shinsengumi faithfully, she was seeking the affection of the roshi she lived with! Ah, how could she be so forgetful?! She came to the teahouse to find out about Kido Koin and let herself be distracted by the cunning geisha.

"Who is Kido Koin?" She asked, blood rising to her cheeks and eyes flashing fire. "I know you found out and this is my sole reason for seeing you. The significance of many events I do not yet grasp, but his name... Forget about my mumblings!" Akiha was angry at herself. "You know more than you wish to tell me. Why are you so selfish?"

A few months after they returned from Osaka, Akiha by chance found out that one of Shinonome's guests blabbed out a secret, but the geisha refused to reveal it to her. Hijikata and Kondou were preoccupied with other important matters therefore the responsibility to discover the details of this occurrence weighed heavily on her shoulders. Another suspicion plagued her that there were Choshu or Tosa ronin among the Shinsengumi; they had Yamazaki and it was only natural if their enemies involved spies as well. She wanted to suspect Itou because she disliked him, but she needed at least a bit of evidence to link him to the the radical loyalist party.

Shinonome lost interest in the conversation at once. Smiling victoriously, she flitted off the bench and opened the inner door. "Hijikata-san can ask me himself if he needs to know Kido Koin's identity. I promise to make it worth his while. And my answer won't change no matter how many times you beg."

'He lost interest in you!' Akiha wanted to raise her voice, to scream so loudly that the birds would fly away, frightened, but instead she stood and stared at the empty garden before her in disbelief. 'How can she not understand that her selfishness endangers their well-being? How can she see only such narrow strip on the path before her?!' Exasperated, she stomped her foot and buried her face in both palms, hiding a helpless expression.

...Akiha was not used to returning to the Nishi Hoganji temple. On the crossroads, her feet on their own volition always strove to turn onto the Shijo street which led to the Mibu village. The Yagi residence became her home and she missed its cheerful, humble owner and his family. The monks in dark robes appeared foreign, forbidding even, refusing to talk to them on most occasions except when they decided to complain about the loud cannon fire which filled the evening air during the numerous tactical exercises. But those evenings were beautiful. The hill afforded a breathtaking view on the city below where in the murky night lights teasingly winked at each other, like fireflies. Shimbara lights were the brightest and they burnt many hours into the night, tirelessly, reminding her of the times when she lived there and witnessed its ostentatious gaiety from within. The emptiness in her heart slowly filled with longing and she was drawn to return there, like a butterfly was drawn to the bright lantern. It was a foolish thought, but she could not easily dismiss it from her mind; people who admired her gave her existence worth and meaning, hollow and false meaning, but who would offer her more? But then she would recall her duty and the tempting mirage would always vanish. She did manage to grasp why it was of utmost importance for the shogun to remain strong while he held the power; many viewed him as the Emperor's viceroy, at least symbolically, who was responsible for maintaining the order in the country. Any act of weakness – or that which could be perceived as such – legitimized the outcry for the Restoration of the Imperial power.

The temple itself was twice as spacious as the Yagi residence and accommodated their reinforcements as well as Sannan's so-called fury regiment. His tireless research, in which Akiha aided him as much as she could, reached fruition when they concocted enough medicine to maintain order among the rasetsu; while daylight still presented a significant obstacle, the bloodlust could be controlled and it gave them hope that Sannan's suffering was mitigated. She also received a larger room where sunlight lingered longer, but at first she disliked it; she disliked the new door on which was depicted an unfamiliar scenery, she disliked the smell of unfamiliar incense which permeated the air, she disliked the small writing table which was a luxury she did not want – she was used to reading and writing on the floor – she disliked everything with irrational stubbornness of people who lost something very dear to them. The old room witnessed the darkest hours of her life and in her disturbed imagination it appeared a living entity. But one day she suddenly accepted the change; she decorated the walls with ornaments of dried hollyhock flowers and leaves, picked up the scattered pages of the manuscript from the floor and moved her futon into the furthest corner.

After the conversation with Shinonome, Akiha returned to the temple in an almost ecstatic mood, thinking of nothing but warm wind which fanned her face and cherry petals. She had convinced herself for the time being not to dwell on any political questions which she could not always understand or on her continuous failures to make sense of the elusive man's mystery. In the main building, which was situated on the opposite side of the entrance decorated with a new board, she found Kondou-san, Saito, Okita and one of the accountants whose name she did not recall, dining leisurely. Hijikata to her knowledge was in Osaka again, Heisuke was patrolling in the evening and Harada with friends went to Shimbara to 'score some points on Toshi' as Sanosuke explained her with a wink. What that meant she guessed easily – many members of the Shinsengumi bragged about their feats on the battlefield as well as in bed. When she entered, the commander was retelling a joke he heard from Matsudaira Katamori, but he interrupted himself to greet her. To her surprise, there was a bowl of hot rice waiting for her at the table, as though Kondou-san expected her and that simple gesture gladdened her heart even more. More than a year had passed since she hadn't been under the shadow of suspicion, but such gestures were still a rarity.

"Where have you been, Akiha-chan? I was afraid your rice would become cold by the time you returned."

She shook dust off her kimono, discarded her geta and sat seiza-style by her table, gathering thoughts for a terse, meaningful response. "I was at a teahouse, trying to discover the meaning to Kido Koin's actions, whoever he is, but to no avail. I apologize, Kondou-san."

The commander frowned, "There have been rumors about radical Choshu stirring trouble again, and this is why the shogun will visit Kyoto at the end of this month. Unlike the first time when he ceded to requests – and they made great efforts to mask them as polite – of the officials from the Imperial Court, it was his decision to be present when another expedition campaign will be declared. I never understood why we failed to crush them the first time! Come to think of it, it's nonsense... We gathered over one hundred thousand troops this fall with noble intentions to fight, we surrounded them in their domains and then, having dawdled at their borders for a few weeks, we retreated without battle. Satsuma got their peace by pleading and those Choshu eagerly took it because they had no choice... If I were shogun, I would not rest until the radicals would be weakened so that for another decade they would not dare raise their head. What is the value of peace if it like a crust covers an abscess, allowing for the disease to spread?.. Am I right, Yukimura-chan? If you do not clean the wound, the wounded will die."

She nodded her head. "You are right, Kondou-san. But shogun comes to Kyoto again... Isn't it bad? Isn't it a display of our weakness?"

"If we go to war, our weakness will fade before the display of our strength," resolutely objected the commander.

"We will go to war," said Okita and there was no doubt in his voice. Saito remained silent.

"My ancestor wrote after the betrayal and a few days before his own death that, '...the fortune alternates, victory and defeat, the happy conqueror today tomorrow must retreat.'" Akiha recalled the lines from the manuscript. She always remembered names and events, but at times it seemed that she reflected them like a bronze mirror reflected sun rays in many directions, retaining none of the light for herself.

The wrinkles on Kondou's forehead smoothed out and he roared with laughter, "You are a most entertaining interlocutor, Yukimura-chan!" She glanced at Okita in confusion, seeking his support, but he had a fit of coughing and averted his face. Did she say something horrible? But the commander, having ceased laughing, continued as if nothing had happened. "Your ancestor must have been familiar with the _Romance of the Three Kingdoms_.*** I grew up, hearing stories about ancient heroes from my father, and later drew my inspiration from those stories."

"I must admit, I have not heard of such a book," she said timidly so as not to anger the commander.

"Don't worry, I didn't think you would. These stories weren't meant for young girls, but are widely enjoyed among samurai."

"It is true," Saito gave tongue for the first time. "Kondou-san had beaten them into our heads in Shieikan, but truthfully who wouldn't want to find a legendary hero to relate to and revere at the same time? Who wouldn't want to recognize himself in a warrior of unprecedented wisdom and might? There are many moral lessons to be learned from those tales, and I wish to believe in those unchangeable truths. Seasons may change and weather, even times are subject to this inexorable force, but I wish to wake up every morning, knowing that some things remain the same."

Okita drank a cup of hot fragrant tea and his coughing subsided. "Kondou-san loves Guan Yu for his courage and strong sense of righteousness. We compare Toshi to Zhou Yu because he was a brilliant young strategist with a strong natural inclination for music, but he does not like that comparison. He gets superstitious and thinks it's an evil augury since Zhou Yu died young..." He grinned, as if to show that he did not believe anything he said seriously. "That would be merely a coincidence. In our position we expect to die any day so why worry about it?"

Toshi was such a silly name, Akiha thought to herself, a silly, boyish name.

"Souji," the commander reproached him with fatherly tenderness. Recently at a meeting they argued for a trifling reason, but not a trace of resentment lingered between them.

"I wish I could be with you at Shieikan," she said suddenly.

"Ha-ha-ha... Akiha-chan, what did you take into your head?"

She wished she could explain him that now she believed in fate, but she could not find the right words and the commander was in such merry mood that he was easily amused by anything she said. "I-I... don't know, Kondou-san, forgive me."

In the evening, she locked herself in her room and on an impulse wrote down the events of that day. She wanted to say what she failed to say, as though the paper could hear her, as though in strokes of a brush a certain meaning was contained and a pure, indescribable joy without surmises and suppositions, without any rational thought.

The next days flitted by unnoticed in the expectation of the shogun's arrival. Hijikata who had come back from Osaka offered her to join them and she joyously took him up on that offer, seeing an opportunity to find out what she needed. It was a rather risky venture, but if she could lure Kazama out, he would be able to shed light on the matters regarding her family's history as well as, if she behaved well, reveal the identity of the mystery man. Although the oni despised humans, she suspected that Chikage knew more than he told her if he was close to the Satsuma daimyo. Satsuma, Choshu, Tosa... those names were not hollow any longer; each played a role, like wedged-shaped pieces on a shogi board, some were worth more, others less, kings and lances and pawns. Eventually Akiha decided, like everyone else, to watch Hijikata and Okita play shogi in the evening and the game gripped her attention although when she tried to understand its intricacy, her head began to ache.

A few days before the shogun was to pass through the gates of Kyoto, she in the conversation with Ueno as though involuntarily mentioned that Kondou-san would be present at the Nijo castle and she would accompany the Shinsengumi as a messenger while they would carry out the duty to guard their lord. If the news reached Kazama in time, he would come – of that she had no doubt – to persuade her to join him. Her value as a pure-blood oni woman was a leverage she intended to use with cold reckoning for the cruelty in her heart did not vanish, only budded with time, remaining concealed until the hour would come for her to avenge herself in any way possible.

The night on which the shogun arrived happened to be tranquil, the sky was without a cloud and birds merrily chirped in bushes outside the fortified walls. It was a night on which one could do little more than admire the sky, bestrewn with bright stars, and guess where in that glittering multitude hid dragon _Shin_, ox _Chu_ and hare _Bo****_. But at the Nijo castle no one would even dream of such luxury; vigilant guards stood at the gates and inside the intricate maze of streets which connected kitchens with the palace and the garden around the pond. Many fires were lit and tongues of flames gently quivered in the warm breeze. At first, she chattered with Shinpachi who guarded the Eastern Gate, then ran to the Southern Gate to deliver Heisuke a message about the changing shift, then found Tani Sanjuro and told him to move his unit closer to the palace on Hijikata's orders and so forth. It was far into the night when she found herself alone by the pond, drinking water from her cupped hands to quench overwhelming thirst. Strained silence reigned in the air, the rustle of wind in stalks of grass resembled a gentle tread, making her flinch and shiver, and suddenly she regretted her decision to come. There was someone waiting for her beyond the small circle of light from the lantern, she could feel an _intent_, not malicious or benevolent, but utterly ineffable.

"I know you are here, Kazama," she said, clenching the wet slippery handle of her kodachi although her weapon was as useful against the oni as a toy bamboo sword. She should feel pride or joy because he swallowed the bait, but now that he was here, Akiha was no longer certain who was the bait and who was the fisher.

"You don't seem surprised, as if you were expecting me," he sounded amused. "Please, tell me that you changed your mind, Yukimura-chan, for if you haven't, we have much to talk about indeed."

There was another shadow behind his shoulder and a vaguely familiar deep voice calmly reminded Kazama that they didn't have all night to waste.

"I know, Amagiri, I know," the disappointment in his voice was a bit theatrical, "I won't delay us. But I have to take this small chance to convince her that she belongs at my side. Last time we spoke she was not very tractable and if she kills herself, all of it will be for naught. I am inclined to believe she won't, however, I cannot take that risk... I need her willingness and dedication. It's for the better future of our clans, believe me."

So her little performance at the Kitsuya teahouse did impress him. Akiha did not have to feign timidness, but a pleasant smile cost her almost all her will-power. Chikage said she had a strong spirit to mock her, there could not be any other explanation.

"I was reading about our history, lord Kazama, and I have been thinking... I am beginning to see a certain rightness in your words, but I am not yet wholly convinced. I had but two simple questions. What was the fate of my family and what is Kido Koin's role in the present tumult?"

"I can understand why you would wish to know the past matters for that knowledge might strengthen your convictions to perform your duty as an oni woman, but why would you concern yourself with the matters of the present? I am not muchly fond of curious women. Obedience is a virtue and vain curiosity a vice."

With a palpitating heart she raised her chin even higher, through the blur seeing stars, bright and distant. "Lord Kazama is not knowledgeable and powerful enough to satisfy a mere whim of mine. Perhaps, my consideration was wrong. Were I to leave, I wish to do so with a content heart, with peace in my soul, and I don't like unveiled mysteries."

He lowered her chin so that their eyes were level, but his fingers did not hurry to let go of her, "You are no fool and perhaps it's for the best for I can't tolerate fools. I'll make an exception for you once, don't disappoint me. All you have to know about Kido Koin is his name which is more known in Kyoto, Katsura Kogorou. He led the meeting at Ikedaya, we helped him escape and hide with his geigi, and now he finally seized the power of the Choshu han for himself. We, Satsuma, stood idly as it happened, for it isn't in our interests to interfere. Is you curiosity satisfied?"

'Katsura Kogorou,' she thought feverishly, 'is a radical Choshu and if he is finally in power...'

"Tell me, Kazama..."

"No, no, Akiha-chan, what I will tell you is much more interesting," he smirked, turning her head this way and that, as if she were a prized horse. Disgusted, she took a few steps backwards until her geta nearly slipped into the pond where she would seek refuge if he tried something indecent which she wouldn't put past him. But to her surprise, he seemed amused with her reaction and did not try to pursue her further, a chilling courtesy in his smile and gaze telling her of his profound certainty that her fate had already been decided in his favor. "I tried to explain how treacherous humans are last time we met, but that... worm... dared to interrupt me. You had all the right questions, but only I and Amagiri know those answers. For their loyal service to the shogun, your family received but trifling honors; your grandfather was finally rewarded a laughable position of a captain of the inner guard in Edo castle. A few years before you were born, during one of their _reforms_, he was bereft of even that under the false accusations for lewd and dishonorable behavior. He returned to his clan which lived in the mountains, but the shogunate would not leave him be, for he was considered dangerous. Humans need but an excuse to hate, to find an outlet for the churning, boiling self-righteous indignation!" Kazama's blood-red eyes smoldered like a pair of coals in semi-darkness.

Akiha helplessly shook her head, "Lord Kazama, I don't understand..."

"She doesn't understand, Amagiri. What delightful naivete! When you were three or four years old, the shogun sent a regiment to slaughter your family's villages, a task in which they proved to be most successful. Ah, what a pity, you serve your parents' murderers so faithfully."

Kodachi flew out of sheath, like a streak of lightning, but her hands shook and she was not certain she would even recall Saito's lessons. "Get away from me, Kazama! How can you... M-my father is not dead, he disappeared, and you come to me, mocking him, mocking my memories, telling me lies!"

"Yukimura Kodo is not your father, he is your uncle. Why do you think the last pages in your manuscript are missing? He did not want you to know the truth, but actions speak louder than words. Would a loving father ever abandon his precious daughter unless, of course, she is not his flesh and blood?"

Oh, how could it be possible? Her world, her carefully built castle in which she found solace – her duty and life itself – was burning brightly in the predawn stillness, walls were crumpling and she could not breathe, chocking on words which she wanted to scream, but only incoherent sounds escaped her lips. Is this how people went mad? The Tokugawa clan killed her parents and she blindly believed... but if she could not believe in the value of her duty, then she had nothing left, not even a grain of rice or a breadcrumb.

Stooping like a woman burdened by age and suffering, she turned away and...

"I've heard enough, Kazama!"

Saito and Harada appeared behind Amagiri and Chikage grimaced, as if seeing an importunate fly, but she could not stay with them although the fighting promised to be fierce. Overcome with disgust, she ran into the salutary darkness wherever her legs would carry her, intending to stop when her heart would cease beating in her chest. Scraps and shreds of thoughts swarmed in her mind, but among them a desire to escape was the strongest. How could she live with the Shinsengumi who tricked her, pretending to accept her while they knew – they should have known! - that the shogunate ordered to slay her parents? All was a lie! Terrible, disgusting lie! It was better to starve in the streets of Kyoto! No, she could not return to the streets where she had once, out of foolishness, found herself among beggars and outcasts...

"Where do you think you are going? What do you think awaits a frightened, lone girl beyond this gate?"

"Amagiri!" She froze, trembling all over.

"Kazama has not finished talking to you."

"Tell this Kazama guy to get lost," masterfully ordered Hijikata. He did not appear out of breath after chasing Amagiri, yet the oni clearly wanted to avoid a violent confrontation, having silently vanished in thick predawn mist. "You, however... explain yourself quickly before I assume the worst."

Akiha went cold and hot all over although it wasn't fear that she felt or anxiety. "Let me go, Hijikata-san, for if you do not, you will have to kill me," she muttered, groping for the handle of her kodachi. "Maybe you should just kill me... Strike me down, I beg you!"

"Have you lost your mind, kid?!"

"Maybe I have lost my mind, what of it? I need to leave... No, no, I _must_ leave! I must go somewhere..."

He didn't move, he didn't make an attempt to unsheathe his sword, gazing at her with unfamiliar intensity. "What did that Kazama guy tell you? I know quite a bit about you to say with certainty that you would not act so recklessly unless you had a reason. Only one explanation comes to my mind... You can tell me, kid," he added, seeing that she obstinately refused to utter a word.

"The previous shogun killed my parents, that's what he told me!" She exclaimed, sobbing. "How could I... How was it possible... Why?!"

"Hm...Your behavior is unjustified and foolish. Has anyone ever taught you manners? I do not pretend to be omniscient, I have never heard of anyone by the name of Yukimura before, but wouldn't it be reasonable to suspect Kazama of lying? We do not know whether your parents were slain and to believe him blindly, naively would be the gravest mistake." His firm words flowed smoothly and involuntarily she harkened to him and once she did, she could not turn away. She was a naïve girl indeed, she thought with sudden humbleness and cast down her eyes in shame. "Evidently, he wants you to hate the shogunate because he is after you for whatever mysterious reason. You refused to go willingly, so base trickery is the next reasonable strategy. He is not guided by the thoughts of your well-being."

"Are you?"

"I gave you my word, didn't I?" There was a hint of sympathy in his voice, as though he was talking to his little sister. "Time to keep it has come, I suppose. Kondou will arrange a meeting with Matsudaira Katamori where you will present your inquiry and together we will find out what fate befell your family. Did you forget that we have powerful friends?"

As she stood, utterly dumbfounded, the strangest thought flitted across her mind, so unexpected indeed that it lingered for more than a few moments, and she was able to find it, clutch at it, as though it was her proverbial straw. If she were a heroine in the ancient Chinese legend, who would she be?

"I-I hadn't thought of it, Hijikata-san, I am sorry to have troubled you. It was foolish of me..."

"I can promise you that if there is truth in his words, we will give you money and find you some place to work at as a seamstress or as a maid as token of gratitude, I suppose, for what you have done for the Shinsengumi. It's a fair arrangement."

She convulsively nodded her head, tempted to sink to her knees and bow as it dawned upon her how tired she was and how utterly humiliated. How could she be so foolish after she had sworn to herself not to act on naïve impulses? But Hijikata did not hurry to admonish her although she deserved harsh words, but she wouldn't be surprised if he punished her later. In the damp mist he seemed surreal, his regular features solemn and stern, and for the first time she looked at him as a woman would look at a man she fancied, but awareness brought her neither consolation nor deliverance from doubt.

* * *

* merchants were the lowest class in Japanese feudal society, below artisans and peasants.

** a metaphor for impossible love

*** A book, mentioned in both anime and game, as Kondou's favorite. Historically, it was so indeed. It's a novel set in ancient China (2-3 c. AD) during the era of warring states. A lot of Japanese samurai were inspired by those stories. I simply familiarized myself with certain parts of the novel as well as some characters I found intriguing. I also used popularized names (ex. Zhou Yu instead of Gongjin).

****Japanese zodiac

**~o~o~o~**

_Btw, Kaoru and Sen aren't in my story. I did promise a very different story, didn't I? ;) _


	9. Black raven and white egret

_**IX. Black raven and white egret**_

The melody which an old monk played on his bamboo flute filled the air of the summer morning and Akiha listened to it, bewitched, as it grew louder in her ears and faded, calling forth before her mind's eye images of coarse, mossy stones, basking in the sun, of a river, flowing stately between hills on which grew cherry trees in full blossom, of glimmering fire in murky mist and of wind rustling in the lush crones of trees. A feeling of utter harmony overcame her, of oneness so immutable, and for a fleeting moment she fancied herself to be liberated from the weight of her own infirmities. The strange melody, neither too quick, nor too slow, neither wholly joyous, nor dolesome – ineffable, she wanted to think, yet all too simple – resounded in her ears after the old man ceased playing. Long forgotten were the questions which compelled her to seek him out when she heard the plaintive tune from the direction of the temple's main gate. Not so far away from where they sat, a black crow pecked at the stones in relentless search of food and passersby went unhurriedly to and fro. From time to time they halted to either put a coin into the monk's purse or fling a curse at the board, proudly erected by the entrance into the new Shinsengumi quarters.

"The lady is troubled?" The old man spoke suddenly, his vacant stare roaming in the distance where shreds of shaggy clouds, tinctured a gentle mauve, flocked together.

This question, if it were indeed a question, helped her out of her reverie and Akiha looked at the fragile old man whose back was now turned to her, wondering if he spoke to himself.

"Perhaps, the lady has left."

Silence grew awkward, dispelling the fragile charm of the melody, and she reluctantly replied, "Old man, are you talking to me?" It was the first time when a monk addressed her on occasion which did not relate to the service she rendered to the Shinsengumi. However, upon hearing her inquiry, he remained silent. Exasperated and confused, she sat for a while, deciding whether to leave or to continue this seemingly pointless discourse – the old monk was evidently unconcerned with her – but natural curiosity prevailed over doubts. "What makes you say I am troubled?"

He shook dust off his robe deliberately slowly and picked up the flute. She felt unwelcome. "Thank you for the music."

"Ah, the lady is still here," the old monk acknowledged her presence as she rose to leave. There had to be a meaning to his taunting remarks, for he didn't strike Akiha as an idle loudmouth or tattler, but it eluded her.

She put a coin into his purse and as she watched the sun glitter on the golden ryo, a feeling of humility descended upon her. "You were right, I believe there is no such place in the world where I can find... No, I do not even know what it is that I so stubbornly seek. What would you do if you were told that the people you faithfully served murdered your parents? I fervently wish to think it could be a lie, but I am afraid... I am so very afraid to discover the truth."

From under the kasa woven of rice straw, piercing black eyes stared at her intently for the first time during the conversation; thin, wrinkled lips were compressed tightly and they barely moved as the old monk spoke.

"What does the lady see?"

She glanced in the direction of the crow which with effrontery kept pecking at the bedewed ground, displaying no fear for the rare passersby, and wanted to laugh bitterly and with no less effrontery. How was the bird an answer to her troubles? Yet something in the monk's gaze prompted her to respond honestly, "I see a black raven, which patiently looks for food in the dust even if there might not be any."

"The lady is confused. It's a snowy-white egret."

"No, no, old man, I clearly see a small black bird! Besides, egrets do not live in Kyoto."

The old monk smacked his lips, gently placing his bony fingers onto the flute, and replied with conviction as though he hadn't heard her, "And thousands may pass by and say: It's a snowy-white egret."

"Why would they? They would have to imagine the same lie and persist in it senselessly! I cannot think of a reason... But if as many as a thousand repeat it, then wouldn't it be hard to convince..."

"You can cut off the tongues of everyone who speaks, but can you make a tongueless man talk?"

It could be a figment of her imagination, but the old man's voice rang with barely audible content. Thereupon he resumed playing and she would have been left with gnawing frustration, if a sudden thought hadn't astonished her; out of nothingness, it struck like lightning in the clear sky and she, having thanked the monk profusely, ran towards her room. There she picked up the manuscript and stared at it in mute astonishment, then pressed it to her chest tightly and sat in silence, recovering her breath.

_And thousands may pass by and say: It's a snowy-white egret._

For two weeks, Akiha could not cease thinking about Kazama's words and Hijikata's argument; for two weeks which she spent in confinement at the temple (both the vice-commander and the commander agreed that she was to be punished for her foolish escapade at the Nijo castle), she, while cleaning or cooking, tormented herself with numerous questions and reveled in her own misery until that singular moment when her eyes had been opened. Her memory tenaciously retained the details which at first seemed insignificant. She should have known that the Irishman was dishonest with her about his reasons to come to Japan when she saw him with a weapon which, he boasted, could kill any samurai – other foreigners were prohibited to carry one. A small detail, an oversight on her part caused her so much suffering. Akiha desperately wanted to believe Hijikata, but a haunting thought that he could have been untruthful belied his sincerity in her eyes. She did not know the vice-commander well; she never dreamed she would have to. His expression was meant to impress a degree of awe, if not fear, upon the strangers, notably the ordinary folk – cobblers, sake brewers and peasants – and he preferred to stay silent than chatter idly, creating thus on a unsophisticated interlocutor an impression of an intimidating, forceful person, but a plain one. Akiha, however, saw a glimpse of a different man in him, quite cheerful, merciful and kind. It confused her and to exacerbate her confusion, a strange sympathy was born in her heart, which she could not banish no matter how hard she tried. She despised and resented men, but she sympathized with many of the Shinsengumi members, having decided that samurai were not like ordinary folk. But to trust them implicitly... Even Inoue who during these two weeks became her companion in many conversations, whom she followed everywhere (like a disease) once he returned to the temple in the evening, could lie.

However, now she sat, holding the manuscript close to her chest, and rejoiced at the thought that it wasn't Hijikata who had been untruthful to her, but Kazama. As arrogant as he was and certain of his success, he let slip one small detail which changed everything. How could he know about the existence of her family's manuscript; how could he possibly know that the pages from it were missing unless his role in her and her parents' fate was more sinister than he implied? She would share her discovery with Hijikata, but she decided against it out of fear that he would find her obnoxious and childish. And he could be so irritable... Even her joy was childish to say nothing of her poor ability to express herself properly.

...When Akiha headed to the meeting hall, the hour was approaching noon and she expected to find it empty, however, a large crowd gathered without, creating a confluent tumult which reminded her of the murmur of distant waves. She had first seen the sea when she was seven and her father (notwithstanding what Kazama said, she would always regard Yukimura Kodo as her father) moved to Edo in a small boat; and it wasn't the azure glassy surface which created an indelible impression on her, but the discolored turbid wave which hid the horizon from view on a stormy day. She could never forget the sea, but with time it became harder and harder to recall a clear image of it; a beheaded samurai, a fury with its face distorted by madness, cut off fingers and pieces of skin, those she saw more often than the sea.

But the crowd's appearance was not usual. Many samurai were missing various articles of clothing and cursed the queue which moved slowly. Akiha scrutinized them only to avert her aglow face in haste, hurrying to pass unheeded, when a voice hailed her.

"Akiha-chan, is that you? Or my eyes deceived me at last?"

"Doctor Matsumoto!" She exclaimed with even greater astonishment, halting by the wooden staircase as the bald, little man ran out of the meeting hall, a metal instrument clutched in his hand. "I am very surprised to see you in Kyoto. How have you and your family fared? Have you heard anything about my father..."

"No, Akiha-chan, I am compelled to admit that there has been no news from him. But let me finish talking to Kondou-san first, then I will gladly answer your questions. There was a time I was led to believe you died... Ah, what troubled times!" Matsumoto apologetically shook his head and hurried back inside.

Akiha followed him, trying not to stare at half-naked men too patently, but no sooner had she noticed Hijikata and Kondou than she bowed and walked to the opposite wall. In the middle of the meeting hall now stood a stool whereupon sat the doctor, examining Shinsengumi members, and behind his back both commanders seemed to argue about something in a low voice.

"These men are in poor state," said Matsumoto, "many are sick or wounded. Stomach and teeth sicknesses are most prevalent. I would advise to improve the squalid conditions, but it will not fix the main issue you are struggling with. The samurai diet is inferior to the Western in nutrition value. Your comrades will be healthier if they begin eating chicken and pork regularly."

"This is out of the question!" The commander was filled with indignation. "We are not at war, our traditions shall be respected regardless of the existence of Western ways. We didn't ask them to dictate us what to wear, what to eat, how to behave. For time immemorial samurai partook only natural food, rice, fish, apricots, plums..." Here Kondou would enumerate many more, but Hijikata interrupted him. He seemed to be in the state of morose thoughtfulness, but spoke calmly and reservedly.

"Western or Eastern or Northern, if the advantage is obvious, we can at least try."

"Toshizou!" Kondou spoke in a manner in which Akiha rarely heard him address his friend, arrogantly and sharply. "You can't condone the most blatant violation of our customs."

"For what reason, pray tell me, would you not listen to the doctor's advice?" The vice-commander was adamant.

"What will our actions convey to our comrades? There isn't a more perspicuous way to admit that Westerners are superior."

"You misunderstand me, I am not guided by such shortsighted intentions. I am concerned with their health and fighting efficiency and I am willing to do what is necessary to ensure our victory. Everything else is trivial... Blame me for pragmatism, if you wish, but not for treason."

Kondou seemed shaken by his friend's unflinching determination and, frowning, turned away, having frightened her with his gloomy expression. As rarely as they argued, their disputes were like thunderstorms: they broke out suddenly, lasted briefly but fulminated furiously.

The dai-osho whom Akiha at first did not notice gave a sigh full of grief, "Please, commander, don't let him bring pork into our temple. We have been offended countless times, you disturb our non-violent lifestyle and interrupt our prayers; you built a bath-house in our yard and now you wish to ruin our reputation. We hate the unholy sight and smell of pork!"

"You heard the monk, Toshizou," the commander uttered distinctly, throwing a grateful glance at the elderly man of low stature.

However, Hijikata vacillated not a moment, giving them a reply in such a tone that would inspire fear into the fainthearted and as for Kondou and the senior monk, it left them with no opportunity to object. "We are training for the sake of our country, not on a selfish whim. Neither do we require pork to soil your reputation or offend the inhabitants of this temple. It is a great honor to endure inconveniences in the name of duty to the shogun."

No one, it seemed, wanted to risk being found lacking in patriotic zeal and only the dai-osho murmured to himself, 'What of our duty? No one is concerned with the lot of poor monks...' Akiha knew of their efforts to rid of the Shinsengumi by peaceful means such as bribery and flattery and entreaties which fell on deaf ears as well as of Hijikata's intention to remind the senior monk that his ties to the Choshu had not been forgotten. He could convey so much with so little words, with so little an effort. Suddenly she wanted to banish him from her thoughts, as though he were an evil spirit, yet halfway to the door she dared to glance at him one last time, either out of curiosity or misguided admiration, however, saw not his face but long black hair which he wore neatly tied.

In the street the line had diminished and, awaiting the doctor, Akiha decided to roam around the temple. She contemplated asking Kondou's forgiveness again in hopes that he would allow her to leave, but the commander would be in a foul mood after his argument with his friend. She knew they would make peace with each other by nightfall after another no less intense conversation away from prying eyes and the commander would cede again; out of the two, she heard Hijikata was feared more and loved more. But he would also die to save Kondou's life, of that Akiha had no doubt.

Thinking so, she stopped in the shade of a tree with long protruding branches, which grew near the aforementioned bath-house which was built on the commander's orders, and pressed herself to the warm bark, twisting her mouth in a funny grimace as she often did when she devised an original idea. If she wanted to win Hijikata's approval, the indirect way was the nearest and for that she needed Kondou. Oh, what was she dreaming about? She had forgotten herself, she let herself think foolish thoughts again. Akiha glanced round, like a guilty thief, as if expecting someone to find her or overhear her daring thoughts, and noticed Okita and Matsumoto head towards the building which served the Shinsengumi as a temporary jail. Souji's cold concerned her and so she followed them, thoughtlessly, until she could hear everything that was said between them without being seen.

"What are you doing here, Yukimura-chan?" Someone whispered into her ear suddenly. Someone's hand covered her mouth, someone's body pressed itself to her own and someone's fingers clenched her wrist with iron force. Momentarily the world around her froze, sounds were muted and blinding white light burst before her eyes – she ceased to exist, there was only fear, overwhelming, maddening. Her teeth sank into the stranger's palm, he cried out faintly from astonishment, releasing her, and she, having broken free, stumbled over the small stone and fell. There was blood in her mouth and small pieces of skin. Above her, Saito's worried face loomed, drowning in bright sunlight, and Okita joined him, too, but she made no attempt to rise and lay, breathing heavily, wondering what was happening to her.

Soon, however, Akiha had forgotten about her own troubles as she found out from doctor Matsumoto that Okita's cold wasn't a cold, but an incurable disease called consumption. It affected one's lungs, causing excruciating pain and lingering fits of coughing with blood. The news astounded her so that she spent the rest of the day, hiding in her room, in strange apathy, yet Souji himself kept a good heart in spite of the stroke of misfortune, having declared with a faint smile that he wasn't destined to live long anyways and that he was happy he could still fight. Her self-restraint sufficed only to read her father's detailed notes on various diseases he compiled during his life-long practice. Akiha saw slipshod drawings of naked women with children in their bellies and images of men with their legs cut off and chests unripped – those images captivated her imagination when she was a child, for they meant nothing and at the same time everything. They were her childhood; when she hadn't yet thought of the value of human life and the frailty of human body, she had seen these pictures of pestilences, death and decay, portrayed so nonchalantly. Now amongst them Akiha looked for consumption, but even her father did not know much about the said illness. He often communicated with foreigners – although she didn't know a single one of them personally, she saw him with men dressed in a Western manner through the window in her room – and adopted their practices. Consumption or apical catarrh*, according to a German doctor (where German Confederation was, she certainly did not know, but imagined it to be near Ireland and British Empire and not unlike them either) was born within the human body when it began rejecting its own parts and no remedy for it existed. However, the pain could be eased when the diseased breathed fresh air and drank herbal tea.

Saito acquired the necessary herbs and when he brought them to her, Akiha noticed a small injury on his hand which would heal quickly, yet nevertheless felt the need to apologize for the mishap.

"What happened to you that night at the teahouse?" Saito inquired quietly. "When I hurried to your aid, the foreigner had already left and you were very ill from the strange substance he gave you... The doctor who treated you said you had been poisoned."

Akiha averted her face and stirred the decoction a little and with certain tenderness. "Would you like to try my tea, Saito?" When she looked at him again, she forced herself to smile. "There is a little bit of bugleweed in it, knotgrass, sage and chamomile for taste... ah, and mullein, I forgot I added a pinch of mullein. Was it hard to find these herbs? Forgive me if I gave you quite an impossible task..."

Saito took a sip from a small cup,"It's delicious, Akiha-chan. And it wasn't a bother to me at all, I found most of them in one store. I am glad Souji has someone to look out for him, careless as he is. I wouldn't be surprised if he bet everything on one battle and decided to fight against impossible odds..."

"Okita Souji..." she whispered. "We mustn't say a word to Hijikata-san or Kondou-san. I think he would tell them, but it should be his decision, not ours. Yet I can't even imagine how you must feel... or how Kondou-san will feel once he finds out. I dread even a thought of watching him, proud and strong, wither away slowly. I don't understand..."

"Swords break, Akiha-chan. Even the best steel ages with time and one day, in a particularly fierce fight, the blade shatters. What would be the sense in living if all was immortal?"

Black raven and white erget... Listen to the words unspoken and look for the things invisible.

"It is a foolish, selfish wish, but what if a blade could be forged anew and a lone leaf attached to the branch wherefrom it had fallen?"

"Hm... what a strange girl you are, yet I mean you no harm when I say so. I am a left-handed swordsman and little else would earn you a more permanent stigma among samurai. But Hijikata-san and Kondou-san accepted me into their dojo because both felt that due to their humble origins they had to right to judge me. My father was born an ashigaru** and bought a title from a poor childless samurai. Not a significant merit by any means, yet... At times, I feel my acquaintance with them was but a dream and I would wake up to a reality where it is wrong and shameful to wear daisho on the right side... But I promise," he added, extending her the cup for a refill, "I won't startle you like that again..."

"Are you the only one who followed in your father's footsteps?"

"You may say so, but later I found that the precision of mathematics is not unlike the precision of battojutsu***," Saito replied with a smile.

"My father cured people's ailments and most of my life I spent with him in Edo. A rather boring life, I must say now... I remember a residence of a hatamoto across the street and an old man in the house to the left of ours grew morning glories in his garden. They twined around the wall of his dwelling and fence, all different hues of purple and lilac... And then I remember one summer on a vine white buds appeared and the poor man was frightened at first that his flowers were dying... Why are people afraid of the unknown?"

Saito distracted her successfully for the whole evening and three days later Hijikata allowed her to leave the temple since she behaved exceptionally well. Akiha returned to the dusty streets of Kyoto, blending in with the many-eyed crowd, invisible, like a droplet of water in the sea, yet all-seeing and with tenacious memory and therefore dangerous. She learned to recognize when people hid something from the world by their strained laughter and strained smiles, by their facial expressions, by furtive glances which they cast around them when they thought no one was watching them, but those signs could hardly be relied upon – many had dirty secrets, but they were not of political nature: a cheating wife, a disobedient son who sullied his father's name by sleeping with a girl of lower social status, a sexual predilection for horses, or maimed overripe women. What hadn't she, unnoticed, heard in the crowd? Therefore she rarely loitered around in hopes of finding a suspect. She would follow a man or a woman, who had already attracted her attention, from Kitsuya teahouse and at times she would discover but another dirty secret. Yet on a lucky day, that secret would turn out to be of political nature.

The ronin she suspected of having ties to the Tosa or Choshu lived in a secluded house on the outskirts of Kyoto not so far from Ikedaya inn. Outwardly, that house was of unremarkable appearance, rather shabby like its neighbors, yet unlike them it stood aloof and even on the darkest night not a single lantern above its entrance would be lit. Okita before he found out about his illness accompanied her there a few times when the hour was past midnight (with Kondou-san's permission, of course). Akiha discovered this house before it was brought to her attention that Shinonome learned of Kido Koin's identity and for a while she had forgotten about it, however, returning to her old habits after Kazama so conveniently solved that piece of mystery. A beggar always sat across the street from that house and in a drunken voice yelled curses at the passersby. Her he singled out at once, screaming, "Foul harlot! A dishonor to any dignified man!" or "Begone, whore! May demons have your soul!" At first his high-pitched, screeching voice frightened her, yet soon evoked only irritation.

That day wasn't an exception. No sooner had Akiha turned the corner of the street which led to the large Sanjo bridge, than a familiar old beggar, flashing at her a toothless grin, cried out the insults which palled on her long ago. She had barely escaped being seen by Hirama-san, the very tailor who gave her shelter on Matsumoto's request once she arrived at Kyoto and who was told that she had died two years before, and her patience was wearing thin. She asked him with malice in her voice to stay quiet, but he would not heed her request, yelling still louder and drawing attention to her otherwise utterly invisible persona. Akiha would not dare enter the house otherwise, but the beggar thwarted her intentions to observe it for a few hours from a distance. Plunging into the cool semi-darkness of the inner room, she could still hear the curses which strove to overtake her, cling to her, like dirt or melted wax. They burnt at least no less.

It was utterly quiet in the sordid semblance of a dwelling, which appeared before her eyes a long room divided into smaller parts, like kitchen or bathtub, by thin wooden partitions with holes which would ordinarily be covered with ornate paper, yet the owners could not afford such luxury and so in clouds of dust, interwoven with sunlight, they stared at her like empty eye sockets. Wooden floor which was not polished for a while was strewn with gray ash from a small hearth and in the corner a long ladder leaned against the wall. Timidly, her heart beating vehemently in her chest, Akiha made a few steps into the other part of the room where on a table were scattered empty sake cups and a few decorated masu****, not exactly a cheap commodity. But it wasn't their value which attracted her attention, but an emblem carved with a tip of aikuchi***** on the wood, three circles and a line on top, which belonged to Mori clan, the ruling clan of Choshu.

Akiha ran as fast as when she heard about Mito rebellion from Katsu Kaishu.

Hijikata without delay assembled Harada's unit and, despite Itou's protests, left the temple. Fresh evening wind blew into their faces as she confidently guided them through the maze of streets to the desolated house. Men and women hid once they recognized the light-blue haori, which became a symbol of bloodshed in Kyoto, and only the beggar sat across the street in perpetual and indifferent dust. He bared his teeth, laughed mockingly, pointing a finger at her and twisting his mouth as if wanting to say something. Akiha nodded in the direction of the house and prudently stood at some distance as both the captain of the tenth unit and the vice-commander burst inside. After a brief commotion, they dragged out a man who did not look scruffy enough to be a permanent inhabitant of the dwelling.

"We are going to interrogate him," said Sanosuke, "since we discovered some suspicious maps in his possession. We will find out whether he was alone and who he worked for. Toshi-san is a master, if you recall Furutaka's lot... I don't envy him."

Of course, she remembered Furutaka's lot. He was confined in a room lest he should attempt to escape and Hijikata personally oversaw the torment, having ordered to hang him upside down and slowly pour molten wax onto his wounds. But he was Choshu, their sworn enemy, and if it was Hijikata or Kondou who did not elude capture, their lot would be even worse... Akiha looked around her in miserable bewilderment, her eyes falling onto the old beggar who made terrible faces, a man doubtlessly broken by life and like a ship wreck washed out on a shore, but instead of pity she was overcome with malice which boiled inside her for far too long. She would show him why he should never have called her a whore!

"Sano, this man has been watching me with a suspicious eye since the first time I investigated this house," she feigned fear and distress so masterfully that the captain did not need more exhortations to act. He took a better grip of his spear and in rapid gait headed towards the beggar.

"Oi, old man, what are you staring at?"

The beggar changed countenance and before Harada could hail him or ask him a question, he drew himself to full height and tried to flee in the opposite direction of where they came from. Without hesitation, the captain lunged and the tip of his spear pierced the beggar's skull, protruding from his mouth sharp and bloody – a fitting punishment for the lies he sputtered. Akiha shuddered, burying her face in both palms.

'What have I done, Light of the East?' She whispered to herself. 'On what have I wasted your terrible wrath?' Defeated, she did not utter a single word and returned to the Nishi Hoganji temple in a daze.

What happened to the man they captured Akiha never found out. What she needed to know she heard from Hijikata later in the evening and it was that the ronin talked after hours of torture and confessed to be a part of a small radical fraction from Tosa han which was stationed in Kyoto and aided in Kido Koin's brief return in winter. A few months ago, when Hijikata led them to Osaka, he correctly deemed the activities of Tosa radicals but a decoy. Was it the reason why many considered him to be a man of great caliber? Was it the only reason? As belated and seemingly insignificant as their discovery was, Hijikata obtained another location which they decided to raid without delay and there luck finally favored her.

The truth of the matter was that a complex relationship, which was established between Aizu and Satsuma leaders after Choshu were banned from the Imperial court, made many participants of this alliance uncomfortable around each other; they feared to make a wrong move so as to prevent the blame for political treason from resting on their shoulders should the fragile alliance come asunder. Therefore Matsudaira Katamori, notwithstanding Kondou-san's many assurances that their evidence was reliable, refused politely but flatly to approve of the raid in a nearby village. Without the official seal of the military commissioner on the document their hands were tied. Hijikata, as always perspicacious and keen-witted, seized this opportunity to fulfill a promise he gave her on the night in Nijo castle and sway the reluctant daimyo in one shrewd move.

One peaceful summer morning she was summoned to his room and found him dressed with immaculate taste, girded with Kanesada which she recognized by the apricot flower carved on the tsuba (the vice-commander wore his favorite sword which was forged by a famous Aizu smith only on special occasions). He wore a dark-gray hakama over a lilac kimono which accentuated his faultless bearing and if she wasn't afraid of him, she would stare at him simply because his appearance captivated the onlookers, evoking, if nothing else, a certain naive fascination.

"When we visit Matsudaira-san, don't even think of bringing your kodachi," he admonished her about the polite manners. "He won't welcome an armed woman into his household. Pass food to him first, regardless who sits on your other side. Stay silent until he addresses you directly, leave the conversation to me and Kondou." Here Akiha wanted to ask whether they made peace with each other, but it seemed a self-evident conclusion. "Your goal is to listen very carefully to every word and make an impression on the military commissioner. He is reluctant to give us permission to raid a house in Otsu despite our strong conviction that very important evidence may be concealed there. So we have to... soften him up a bit. Matsudaira-san is a respectable samurai with many virtues, but he lacks moral courage, not the natural contempt of danger but courage before responsibility, and he often complains about his inability to restrain the arbitrariness of his retainers... Wear your best kimono; if I recall correctly, Inoue bought you one. We will find you a shamisen. Entertain him well and we will make sure he drinks enough sake. Flatter him shamelessly on occasion and without any. By the end of the evening, we _will_ leave with the necessary documents and preferably with evidence where to search for scraps of your family's history. Don't be disappointed if he doesn't know much, he is acquainted with someone who does... Being a fudai daimyo still means something nowadays."

Akiha nodded her head with perhaps exaggerated enthusiasm, yet could she be blamed? Her excitement and anxiety she did not owe to the vice-commander's imposing presence only, but to his words which promised a deliverance from doubts once and for all. Not so long ago Ueno out of kind heart gave her rice powder for her cheeks, dried safflower for her lips and a small, no bigger than a nail on her little finger, piece of charcoal for her eyebrows and Akiha prepared herself with due diligence for the occasion. She put a little bit of powder on her cheeks, dissolved the flower in warm water without sugar and slightly outlined her eyebrows, aiming not to dazzle or seduce, but to subtly tempt, tease, surround herself with an aura of mystery. She wanted to appear before Matsudaira Katamori an enigma which did not attract glances, but once those glances would fall on her by chance, they would without a doubt linger.

Hijikata's admonition, spoken with austerity befitting the occasion, still rang in her ears as Akiha stepped over the threshold of the daimyo's residence after Kondou. Matsudaira Katamori received them cordially and as a sign of good intentions, both Shinsengumi commanders removed their long swords and gave them to a servant who with profound reverence placed them onto the fanciful katana kake with a depiction of two samurai on horseback with flying horo. Then they were invited to the inner room where they unfastened their wakizashi and put them by their cushions, making sure that they lay with their blades towards the host. The etiquette of the samurai sword was so strict that the lord of Aizu could easily take offense to any careless action.

Akiha fretted over the meeting therefore she paid little heed to the rich interior of the house until they were offered a seat at the table and the three estimable samurai delved deeply into intricate matters which did not concern her. At first, Hijikata did not fail to compliment Katamori's valuable sword displayed on a kake decorated with the family emblem and asked to hold it, eagerly receiving permission from the owner. His fascination with the piece of art seemed genuine. Kondou expressed his admiration no less openly, remarking on the uniqueness and intricacy of the hamon, which Hijikata poetically compared to the glitter of stars on a misty night, reflected in the glassy water of a lake. Then their discussion smoothly flowed in utterly moot heights of advantages and disadvantages of blades for inflicting slashing, piercing and chopping wounds, depending on their curve, balance and shape of their kissaki. They both behaved as children all of a sudden, very excited, elated children, but she could not understand what had awaken in them joy which they, in spite of their reservedness, hardened during hours of rigorous training, could not contain.

Meanwhile, Akiha availed herself of the opportunity to scrutinize the interior. The large room with tall windows on one side and walls painted amaranth was a marvel of its own; the dark decorative wood presented a stark contrast with the screen door, covered in paper of light rufous color on which was depicted a bridge over a narrow brook and a small pine tree against the background of majestic mountains. In the middle stood a long table with a variety of rice and fish dishes on it, but what attracted her attention was the lacquered rest for chopsticks in the shape of a dragon so skillfully crafted that she could count its minuscule teeth and scales.

"So why have you come to meet me, Akiha-chan?" Suddenly she heard Matsudaira Katamori address her and clenched the flaps of her kimono under the table. He seemed to be in a benevolent mood, but intimidating nevertheless, since he was at least a decade older than her, like Kondou-san and Hijikata-san, and unlike them he did not worry about her well-being in the slightest. She entertained government officials before, but they did not have anything she needed as desperately as knowledge of her family's fate.

"Kondou-san and Hijikata-san kindly offered me their patronage and assistance in a very important personal matter," she replied with a pleasant smile. "We are acquainted through the owner of the teahouse where I was a maiko. Ever since the battle of Sekigahara, my family has faithfully served the shogun for centuries and I was lucky to have contributed to the cause with my modest abilities."

"Were you an observer?" He inquired directly and his black eyes narrowed.

"Matsudaira-sama is correct, of course," Akiha bowed her head.

"I warrant her loyalty personally," added Hijikata. "I've known her for two years and never did she give me a reason to suspect her of harboring treacherous intentions. She spied for us in the teahouses where Yamazaki would stand out too much. Her assistance was valuable in the Ikedaya incident and beyond."

Her merits had to be exaggerated, but she nevertheless blushed poignantly upon hearing such candid praise from the vice-commander himself.

The daimyo of Aizu nodded his head, chewing a piece of tuna fish he picked up from the platter. "If she was a maiko then perhaps before we attend to serious matters, she can charm my ear by singing. Choose a song of your liking, girl, and don't be afraid of my disapproval. I trust you have good taste."

Everything was going according to Hijikata's design. When Kondou poured Katamori sake, as was agreed, she undid the laces on her shamisen cover and gently tugged at its strings: Three sounds of fate, condemning, pardoning, exalting, three threads, answering the caress of her fingers, voluptuous, sorrowful, desperate, and triumphant.

"_Forever_  
_In this eternal reign,_  
_Like two bamboo shoots_  
_Grown straight and true,_  
_This world shall last_  
_Thousands of ages._

_On the young needles of the pine,  
Snow.  
On the young needles of the pine,  
Snow..._"

She jerked her hand away from the instrument as though it would burn her and the last sound hung in the air.

"_Bravo_, _bravo_, as those Frenchmen in the shogun's court say," Matsudaira clapped his hands. His eyes lingered on her face, an unspoken question in them and approval. "It is commendable that you have been fostered to take interest in your ancestor's history. You say your family took part in the battle of Sekigahara. What is your inquiry?"

"I do not know what happened to the Yukimura clan after my grandfather received a position in Edo castle thirty three years ago."

"Usually I would advise to travel to Edo, but in your circumstances, let me make inquiries to my brothers and relatives first. Among them there will be someone who at least briefly heard of your grandfather. How unfortunate... The generation of my family which served the shogun in those days had been replaced by a younger generation, like my brother and I, but Yoshinaga might know a tale or two. Why is it so important?"

"Would I ever ask a question if it were not important?" Retorted Kondou and Katamori nodded his head again a few times, which seemed a sign of his thoughtfulness rather than eagerness to agree.

"Hm... Integrity in dealings with me is no less important."

"It is a personal matter," said Akiha, "and it bears no weight in the current political situation. I do not know how much I can trust Satsuma... But I can trust the most loyal servant of the shogun."

It was shameless flattery, but the military commissioner did not hurry to object her.

"Trust Satsuma... Everyone wants to know how much we are to trust them. On the surface the are all too eager to support the alliance between the Imperial court and the bakufu, however, their dealings with the Tosa worry me a bit... But what will be, will be. I will aid you, Akiha-chan, in behalf of my allies, my eyes and hands in Kyoto."

"We appreciate your protection and constant support, Matsudaira-san."

"Stop that, Kondou, we are not in the Imperial court. We have much to accomplish together, I knew that when I agreed to take this accursed position of a military commissioner."

"We are set to put out fire, carrying brushwood in the times when men sell their own selves as commodities," Hijikata expressed his indignation. "And still we didn't do horribly. And we will continue to succeed if you allow us to spread our wings. You know, Matsudaira-san, why we are here."

The lord of Aizu didn't look pleased, yet the Shinsengumi vice-commander didn't even bat an eyelid. "We have enough evidence to suggest that you won't regret your decision," added Kondou.

"After all this ruckus about the new expedition campaign, I cannot allow another mistake. They've put enough pressure on me already."

"There won't be one if we act swiftly, before they realize that their location is known to us." Akiha poured more sake into the cup and extended it to the military commissioner with a slight bow. Meanwhile, Hijikata continued daringly, "I often hear other daimyo speak of politics. But all I see are men who get excited and make a lot of noise; I see men who during two hundred years of peace lapsed into idleness and indulged in luxury. The resplendent Tokugawa samurai lost themselves in the years which followed the glorious battle of Sekigahara."

"My position towards the radicals, my relentless efforts to stave off their victory in court is the living proof that, whereas your words carry their share of truth, I do not count myself among those cowards! You have no right to accuse me... no right!"

"Then show us that proof," concluded Kondou harshly.

"Trust us in it. Prepare our forces for the expedition against Choshu and let us take care of the enemies who hide closer to home."

Kondou's and Hijikata's words left Katamori with no choice but to reluctantly cede to their demands unless he wished to appear in their eyes a coward.

"I will do as you ask," he said, "although my brother who holds a similar post tells me not to worry... But I have a favor to ask of you in turn..."

Thereupon Hijikata urged her to take their leave so that Kondou would be able to discuss the details with the military commissioner alone. In the hallway, the vice-commander received his sword and after numerous expressions of praise for the daimyo's hospitality, they found themselves in the street. Behind them windows and lanterns glowed with gentle yellow light and in front of them stretched a wide road where only a lone cart loaded with hay crawled in the distance. Hijikata at a brisk pace headed towards the Nishi Hoganji temple and Akiha minced a few steps behind.

"You said well, kid," He spoke suddenly and it seemed he spoke to himself although his words were clearly addressed to her. "Almost two years ago, a month after you witnessed Serizawa's assassination, Kondou and I went to a gathering of many renowned daimyo. We drank sake, said this and that, shared our political views... and then Kondou rose and called us to come together as a whole nation to act against barbarians... Perhaps I should say simply foreigners, for I am not certain now that their customs are barbaric... And I saw that his words found a warm response, but we came to a standstill again over utter trifles. What should it matter who issued the order? Shogun, the Emperor... they argued over insignificant details and did nothing. How pitiful... And Kondou, my best friend Kondou... I never thought I'd say it aloud, but he has one too many virtues. He values honor and these days I am afraid he will have to become a demon."

Only a child... she was only a child to him, Akiha thought to herself, feeling a pang of bitter disappointment.

"Why do you keep silent?"

"I-I was lost in a thought, Hijikata-san."

"I suppose you wouldn't know how to respond. What can you say? Forget about it, kid. I must admit, however... in Osaka I thought it was your choice of song that made such an impression on me, but today I heard you again and I must admit that you sing better than my former geisha... Matsudaira was also very pleased. You have a beautiful voice, it brings back memories, for it comes from the depth of your heart."

"I will gladly sing for you... and for Kondou-san, if he appreciates my performance, every day," she said, hiding a smile in the corner of her lips.

"You try hard to please everyone, kid, but that's not necessary. Once in a while, however, I will enjoy your songs."

Suddenly Akiha halted, struck with a thought. On a summer night not unlike this one, the Irishman offered her to become his wife and betrayed her only a month later.

"Is something the matter?"

"Ah, forgive me... I am a little tired of walking in these okobo." She did not lie that she was not used to walking in high wooden sandals quickly and her feet began aching and she struggled for breath.

"Why didn't you say something earlier?"

He extended his arm and Akiha clutched at the sleeve of his kimono, feeling at once the warmth of his hand. A timid, wry smile was all she could offer him as gratitude. But then she recalled the mendicant monk at the gate, his tale of black raven and white egret... when silence says more than any words ever will.

* * *

*tuberculosis

**_ashigaru_ - foot-soldier. Warrior class in Japan was not homogenous.

***Don't recall if I explained battojutsu. It's a term for sword-drawing techniques whereas kenjutsu is a term for techniques with the sword once it has been unsheathed.

****_masu_ – measurement box

*****_aikuchi_ – a type of Japanese knife without a tsuba (tsuba, kake, hamon, etc refer to the intricacies of the culture of the samurai sword; PM me or ask in a review if you are _really_ interested, I'm lazy)


	10. Blood at the crossroads

_**X. Blood at the crossroads**_

Politics, as Hijikata-san once told her, was not a straight road. Matsudaira Katamori agreed to give them permission to raid the house in Otsu, but in return he ordered them to cease training with cannons after the monks complained to him directly. Also he required assistance of their fury regiment therefore Sannan could not aid them in their effort to apprehend the traitors who hid just east of Kyoto. The leaders of the Shinsengumi had no choice but to satisfy both demands although Akiha sensed a bit of reluctance on the commander's part to abandon their habits to train with ordnance. Katamori also asked her to sing for his brother, the one Matsudaira Tetsunosuke whose conversation with Katsu Kaishu she overheard about a year ago, but her second visit to the daimyo's residence flitted by quickly, without memorable occurrences.

They arrived to the village on a rainy morning. She came along because she, disguised as a page, could be of some assistance in the investigation. Kondou led them to avoid the slightest possibility of committing an error and they marched proudly even in rain under the drooping ensign, their light-blue haori soaked in water, their footfall drowning in squelch of liquid dirt. Houses in Otsu were scattered far apart and in-between stretched green clouts of rice fields and meadows. Out of respect to the villagers, they did not ruin fences or climb over hurdles, trampling the crops, but skirted their dwellings, following a winding path. Wan sunlight seeped through the clouds here and there, and cool droplets of rain lazily fell into the puddles like tears. Akiha tried to count those which fell before her eyes, but gave up after two hundred, resting her gaze on Saito's back with morose determination. At least, the distraction helped her forget about the weight of the medicine basket on her shoulders...

When they surrounded the designated house under a thatched roof, a frightened middle-aged woman with sleepy dark eyes appeared on the threshold, holding in her hands a small basket without a bottom and a winnower. Upon seeing them, she dropped both the basket and the winnower, but instead of fleeing, froze, wide-eyed, her mouth agape, on the porch.

"Where is your husband?" Demanded Kondou with unmistakable self-importance and Akiha at that moment did not envy the poor woman. "We are here on official investigation sanctioned by the lord of Aizu and to show our goodwill, we won't arrest you if you cooperate fully. Your husband is being suspected of high treason."

"No, no, good masters," the woman prattled in response, "there must be some mistake. Me and my husband are very peaceful farmers who love our land. May the shogun prosper for a thousand years..."

"I will not ask again. Tell us where your husband is."

"I do not know, good masters, he did not return last night. But let me clothe myself and receive you properly," she bowed and disappeared behind the sliding door.

Akiha resolutely took a step towards the house, but Saito's hand on her shoulder stopped her. "What do you think you are doing, Yukimura-chan?"

"I don't trust her hence I ask for your permission to enter, Kondou-san. I am a woman myself, she can change in front of me without shame."

"She has a point," admitted Hijikata. "Go ahead, but if something happens, don't hesitate to scream."

She carefully placed her medicine basket by the entrance and slipped inside, into a clean little kitchen with walls hung with dried plants and two tables bestrewn with all kinds of utensils. Her misgivings proved to be right when in the rear room she found the middle-aged woman, bending over a small hearth and throwing letters to feed the flames. Without thought, Akiha pushed her onto the ground – the letters she held scattered round like large white snowflakes – and in spite of the woman's entreaties accompanied by tears, with bare hands snatched the rest of the incriminating documents out of the fire.

"Kondou-san!" Akiha yelled loudly as pain in her burnt fingers struck through her. The room at once was filled with the Shinsengumi members. Saito poured a handful of water into the fire, which was extinguished with a hiss, Kondou picked up the woman's limp body by the arms, Hijikata began gathering the letters and in the ensuing tumult no one took note of her injury.

Once the owner of the house was revived, they gathered in the poky kitchen. The vice-commander in the letters which he was able to save found an impressive list of weapons which were purchased or were to be purchased in the near future from the British Empire and a rough sketch of the island of Kyukoku where a few towns were marked. Among them was highlighted Nagasaki, the international port, Oita and Saga as probable places for trade. Of Saga Kondou recalled the following:

"At first, the Nabeshima clan who ruled the region did not support the Tokugawa clan's claim for power and fought against Ieyasu in the battle of Sekigahara, but once they saw that the tide turned, they switched sides. Although regarded as tozama daimyo, their leaders were allowed to retain their domains and later rewarded for their faithful service by being allowed to add Matsudaira surname to theirs. It gives me hope that Katamori may help us contact those remote domains, but it's a very forlorn hope if we do not discover more valuable evidence in this... hole."

"We are led to assume that it's all just Choshu's underhand plotting," said a man by the name of Kano Washio, one of the roshi who joined the Shinsengumi with Itou Kashitaro. "It's true, they are getting desperate since the second expedition was announced, but all too convenient to be a satisfying explanation."

"Whoever it is, they are not fond of us, calling us inferior myrmidons of the law," remarked Hijikata darkly, putting the letter aside. "Charming, I would say, even with certain pretension for truth. However, they wasted a hell of a lot of words and ink, saying nothing useful. What do you think, Saito?"

"I must agree with Kano-san, however, before we act rashly, I suggest we finish interrogating the woman of whom everyone seemed to have forgotten by now."

Indeed, the woman stood, leaning against the table in a sorrowful pose, and it seemed that should her only prop be taken away, she would fall and continue sobbing quietly on the floor. Akiha was torn between consoling her and abstaining from interference out of fear to evoke the commander's displeasure with her brash behavior. They were their sworn enemy, she thought to herself and as always that simple thought made her see the suffering in a different light, as a dire necessity which she could, if not understand, then at the least accept blindly. Akiha licked her dry lips and smiled reassuringly to encourage the woman to talk. But she only mumbled, "I don't know, I never read those letters. I am illiterate! Please, leave me and my husband alone," to any question the commander and the vice-commander asked her.

The corners of Hijikata's lips fell and a deep frown appeared above the bridge of his nose – the vice-commander was losing patience. "What are we going to do with an obstinate witness who doesn't want to talk? She is a woman, but we cannot leave Otsu without her husband or all will be for naught. We're in quite a ticklish position..."

Akiha expected Hijikata to make that choice, but he decided to leave it to his best friend to determine the woman's fate. "Tie her up to the fence for a few hours and don't let her eat or drink," Kondou said, exchanging quick glances with him, too quick for anyone but Akiha, who watched both of them intently, to notice.

As Kondou's orders were carried out, Hijikata approached her. "Keep an eye on that woman, kid, that would be solely your task. I don't think her husband will show up boldly, in the middle of the day, but if one of the villagers unties her out of pity, you will follow her without attracting attention. No one will suspect you as they would one of us even if we dressed as peasants."

Being acknowledged by the vice-commander as somewhat irreplaceable for the venture as of recently could do wonders to her pride – and let it be an illusion, a frail sprout in a snow field, the light of happiness shone upon her and she reveled in it. She nodded her head quickly, almost shamefully, and turned away, licking her injured hand, lest her eyes would betray her even if her face would not.

It was drizzling outside, the rain droplets falling onto her forehead like gentle gossamer. She understood the vice-commander's intentions, she agreed with him, but alone she would not find the courage to follow through those intentions. Sitting on the porch behind the wooden rack hung with purple eggplants, she watched the muddy road, her eyelids growing heavy and shoulders numb. Akiha did not sleep well the previous night or the night before that. She thought about her heritage and the old man whose death she did not wish, but caused so carelessly, with a few words spoken in the right moment. Was she indeed a demon intoxicated with blood and that pitiful power she mistook for hers after finding herself in proximity of the said power? It was so foreign a feeling...

Engrossed in deep thought, she nearly missed a moment when a sympathetic soul – she could not tell from the distance whether a man or a woman or child – helped their prisoner free herself and quickly darted into the bushes. Her heart throbbing, Akiha slid into a crouch and followed the woman until she disappeared around the curve. Then she straightened and quickened her pace, trailing her _bead_ at a safe distance – she called them _beads_, the people she spied on, for they rolled to and fro and the red thread of fate connected them; that very fate which, mysterious and inexorable, presided over the innocent and victimized, over warriors and tyrants, young and old, brave and just and weak. The woman crossed a narrow bridge, thrown over a brook which in the rainy weather flooded the flat shores, skirted a large rice field and vanished in one of the barns on the outskirts of the village. Akiha mingled with the crowd, but the peasants, whom she scrutinized with disdainful curiosity of a girl who grew up in a large city, did not seem to be aware of anything unusual and she returned to Kondou and Hijikata.

"Assemble everyone at once, we are going in," said the commander upon hearing the message.

A familiar muddy road stretched underneath her feet. Then there was the brook and the rice field came into view, basking in bright sunlight; the sky had cleared, the clouds were scattered by the wind which blew from the west and summer sun belatedly graced the land below with its gilded smile. Vapor swirled over the glittering puddles of water and large green flies warmed themselves on the pebbles. And all of a sudden the rice field around them came alive, the buzzing of insects drowned in battle cries and a wave of armed men spilled out into the street. They were so promptly surrounded that Akiha did not have time to feel fright or astonishment; she found herself behind Saito's back, Kondou yelled out an order and the Shinsengumi readied themselves, forming a crescent and trampling green rice sprouts as they did so – the very essence without which Nippon* wasn't Nippon (there was, of course, geisha art, kabuki theaters, bamboo, samurai spirit and more, but it was rice which measured their wealth). Thumbs of samurai from both sides threateningly rested on the tsuba of their swords and the most impatient ones placed their right hands onto the handles, turning them slightly so that when they unsheathed their weapons, the razor-sharp blade would not cut through their fingers to the bone.

Then the Shinsengumi were offered to surrender.

"Like hell I will," barked out Hijikata and his katana fell in a glistening arch; someone cried out loudly, but she did not see who, and a body collapsed onto the ground, a wound, swelling with blood, gaping across the ronin's chest and shoulder.

"Try to get out of here," hissed Saito before two walls of bodies clashed in a savage skirmish.

Akiha endeavored to follow his advice, but she found herself in the middle of an uneven circle and on both sides there were samurai fighting each other – for one Shinsengumi member at least three or four enemies showed up – their faces distorted, their eyes burning with fury and hate, but movements calm and measured. Kondou's sword slashed one of his attacker's back and the ronin staggered, having fallen on her and pressed her with his whole weight to the ground. Akiha tried to push him aside, but the lifeless body was too heavy for her to move, and it was dripping with warm blood which trickled down her neck. Someone stepped on her injured palm and she screamed, chocking on dirt and gasping for air. That same ronin soon knelt by her side, clutching a deep gash in his side. She recognized Kano Washio.

"Help me," she wheezed, yet although her voice was faint, he heard her and together they managed to move the dead body and crawl out of the commotion, drenched in blood and exhausted. Akiha hastily splashed her face with dirty water and glanced at the massacre. Hijikata and Kondou rallied the remaining Shinsengumi members for a counterattack, pushed forward in one last grandiose effort to break through the enemy's closed ranks, their swords rising and falling rhythmically, in merciless harmony – there the commander delivered an aslant slash, which left him exposed, and Saito sidestepped to cover his back; there Hijikata avoided the blow and, having availed himself of the enemy's opening, plunged his katana into his chest – there, like bamboo shoots cut with a knife of a farmer, men were falling. Then no less suddenly the ronin who ambushed them wavered and, leaving the wounded behind, scattered in confusion, little dark dots on the immense verdure of the rice field.

Short triumphant cry, emitted from many throats, resounded through the village.

Sobbing, Akiha sank onto the ground and crawled towards her medicine basket, at every instant looking round so as to avoid being noticed by the fleeing enemies – the Shinsengumi chased after them, but soon ceased the pursuit. Her head felt empty, light as air; it seemed to her that there was erected a thin wall in her mind beyond which her fear and disgust were imprisoned and should which fall, she would be overwhelmed. Yet, if she could think about something simple – the next step or lifting her arm or finding the styptic matters in her basket, all those ordinary, facile distractions, she could stay calm and sane.

"You are bleeding, Akiha-chan," said Saito on approaching.

"No, the blood isn't mine," she replied in a thick voice. "I must tend to the wounded. Kano-san has suffered a terrible wound... if I don't hurry, he might not survive."

Hijikata's shadow fell onto ground before her eyes. "We weren't supposed to run into an ambush, I can't quite fathom how we did... yet. But I cannot allow you to overstrain yourself, you need rest and..."

"Please, they need my help and I am fine, truly," she drew herself to full height, but her legs gave way at once and she vomited. "I feel giddy and my stomach is queasy, but I wasn't harmed in any way..."

Perhaps it was the determination in her voice which had convinced him somehow or he saw reason, but he looked at her angrily (what had she done wrong?) and waved his arm, "Tell us what to do then, we are at your disposal."

Both him and Kondou seemed unharmed although their haori were stained with blood in many places (and blood could be with difficulty washed off in cold water only), however, many other members received small cuts and Kano Washio was hurt severely. The only Shinsengumi member who died was beheaded by the commander to prevent enemies from recognizing him and defiling his dead body; he also finished off wounded ronin and afterwards ritualistically shook blood off his Kotetsu.**

Akiha nodded her head and closed her eyes (simple gestures). "Carry him to the nearest house, strip him of his clothes and fetch me a basin of warm water."

...In the evening, only a few hours after they defeated the ronin who ambushed them, the Shinsengumi gathered at the Yamaginu teahouse for a celebration. Akiha could not fathom how they one moment faced death in all its chilling resplendence and the next drank and made good cheer as if in the darkness behind them, they did not feel its cold presence. The geisha welcomed them eagerly and prepared them the best rooms. They knew that Shinsengumi lived on a generous stipend from the Aizu daimyo and that they were willing to spend that money once in a while on good entertainment. They also behaved themselves respectably towards women even when inebriated; the incident when Serizawa threatened to kill two courtesans who refused to be intimate with him belonged to the past which no one hurried to repeat. In truth, most captains shunned mentioning the name of the former commander of whom Akiha still knew very little, leading her to believe that even among the samurai who frequently exercised their right to kill the terrible atrocities which he had committed could not remain unpunished.

Serizawa's legacy notwithstanding, the Shinsengumi were well received in both Shimbara and Gion districts. That she was invited to accompany them to the teahouse surprised Akiha at first, but Saito explained that it was the wish of both commanders and she, so ostracized and shunned before, would have rejoiced at the significant measure of trust and acceptance displayed towards her if she was not distraught over the recent events. Kano Washio survived because she maintained her composure and resolve for a long hour before the bleeding stopped, but the battle for his life fatigued her both psychically and mentally.

This time, however, differed from other times when the Shinsengumi members visited the Yamaginu teahouse and soon geigi and maiko left, frustrated and empty-handed. The captains did not come to carouse with the regular members, having locked themselves in one of the rooms in the rear of the house which was intended for lovers who sought solace. Kondou ordered sake and food, insisting that they were not to be disturbed unless it was urgent.

The question on everyone's mind was by whom – and accompanying it other little questions like for what reason and how – they were ambushed in Otsu.

"We should not exclude Choshu," said Itou, "but we cannot naively assume that no other hostile fraction participated in this massacre with clear intent to bereave Kyoto of the shogun's protection. If they were successful, the Shinsengumi would not recover."

Akiha would gladly suspect Itou himself had she acquired at least a whit of incriminating evidence.

"We fell into a simple trap, it is rather regrettable," agreed Inoue, "but we cannot blame all of our misfortunes on the known foe. It is clear to me that there are unknown forces at work here. Who would wish us harm? What do we know for certain? Akiha-chan, try to recall as many details as you can... and don't worry, you were not at fault."

"Could it be Matsudaira Katamori? Who will tell us without fear for their skin the truth we need?"

"Ah, Toshi, don't speak such nonsense, I've known him for years. He wouldn't have stooped to such treason... And how would he benefit if he did? When I doubted my usefulness and proposed to him to disband the Shinsengumi and return to Edo, he talked me out of it because he was certain that the Choshu were still a threat and a more imminent threat than the foreigners... No, no, I would rather suspect Emperor Komei before I suspect him."

"What about Katsu Kaishu?" She timidly gave tongue.

"He is still under the house arrest in Edo and I do not think he would act so brutally and rashly, it isn't in his nature." Hijikata, it seemed, was still angry with her for whatever unfathomable reason. When she poured him sake, he pretended he did not notice her, whispering something to the commander. "He will not dare to openly stand against the bakufu and he will rather tire us out by his sweet-talk of peace and surrender than lift his sword – or order anyone to lift their swords – against us."

"Alas, I know nothing then," she hung her head. "The emblem on the masu belonged to Choshu, but it means little."

"What did we find in the house of that peasant woman?" Saito's cheeks were flushed from the sake he drank, his gestures and voice became more animated and his blue eyes sparked brightly. "Her husband, a mysterious man, had dealings with a certain samurai entrepreneur, Godai, who was tasked to oversee a trade between unknown parties which occurred in one of the three cities, Saga, Nagasaki, or Oita. We are in possession of a list of weapons which includes a thousand Minie rifles and two thousand Gewehrs. It is safe to say they were not purchased for the shogunate."

"The shogunate troops use Gewehrs, but I never heard of... Minie rifles," said Kondou. "I do not know a blessed thing about those modern frills!"

"We all think wrongly," suddenly announced Okita who heretofore remained silent. He did not look well, on his pale visage stood out his feverishly glistening green eyes, but he nevertheless insisted on coming to the teahouse. "All those troubling questions can be easily answered if you take a closer look at the source of those troubles. I pity the necessity to kill the wounded because had one of them found himself in my hands alive... I swear I'd make him sing." He snickered. "Just think how they could have found out that we would pass though Otsu on this very day. I trust the commander's judgment that Katamori kept his mouth shut."

"Souji is right, we cannot deny any longer that there are enemy observers among us," Hijikata said darkly. "I must confess this was the reason why Isami and I left Heisuke and Harada with the rest. None of the captains are under suspicion as yet, but they are needed to distract the attention of those who are."

"Such display of goodwill!" Exclaimed Itou, wanting to sound sarcastic, but instead, his arms lifted in dismay, managed only to sound scandalized. "I hope if you do decide to conclude I am a traitor – how terrible a thought! - I will be properly notified beforehand."

"Itou-sensei, no one is accusing you, worry not, we hope that your shrewd input will help us shed some light on this dark affair."

"Oh, Kondou-san, Kondou-san, you speak well, but how can I not worry if I may be in the presence of a traitor at this very moment?" And the staff officer fixed his dim eyes on her.

Okita, having drunk a few cups of sake, burst out laughing coarsely and had a fit of coughing, "This brat... a traitor?! Ha-ha-ha... I'd rather believe it is shogun Iemochi himself."

The joke set a few men laughing, but Akiha was not going to endure unjustified insults, not on a day when she nearly suffocated under a dead body and almost failed to repay a man who saved her in kind. She glared at Itou's handsome face, always contorted by a fastidious grimace, and cried out, barely containing her righteous indignation, "It is ironic to hear you accusing me, Itou-sensei, since you are the most zealous Imperial loyalist in the Shinsengumi, aside from perhaps Sannan-san... who is dead," she took a deep breath, "and if anyone should be under suspicion, it is you."

"Ah, what are you saying, girl?! What games are you playing with me? Stupid, ignorant girl!"

"I said that if you are in this room, you are not under suspicion so I hope we will find better things to do than blindly pointing fingers at each other," Hijikata was annoyed, but at the same time amused: She could see it in his eyes, shrouded in violet and candle fire which reflected in his pupils, amusement.

"Hijikata-san is right, by accusing each other, we, idiots, only do favors to our enemy," said Saito, but no words could quell her fear. She excused herself under the pretext that she needed to bring more sake bottles and hastily left the room. The teahouse around her was alight with merriment; drunken guffaw was heard from every room, geisha were dancing, casting their distorted shadows sharply against the half-transparent screen doors, and she wanted to cry until her eyes would bleed. Who of those conceited, vain, callous men knew what price she paid for staying silent and calm; how many layers of her soul she would have to peel off until there would be no more? A familiar awful sensation passed with deadly chill over her and her head reeled.

When she returned with the bottles, the leaders seemed to have come to a conclusion of which neither hurried to notify her and cheerfully discussed mundane matters. As she sat behind Kondou and Hijikata, she heard the commander talk about his fishing habits with a passion which he indulged from time to time when he was an instructor in a fairly successful dojo.

"...I always preferred the tsugi zao because it was flexible, smooth... a real pleasure to use and its handle comfortably rested in my hand. The single rods from cheap young bamboo served you only for one season, but this beauty... no, I cannot compare it to the katana, but there definitely was a sense of pride I remember for the ownership of my rod. I did not enjoy using traps for eels and small fish, it seemed rather pointless to leave them at night and come back in the morning for the catch... Akiha-chan, pour me more sake... I did not need to fish to earn my living and half of the enjoyment I derived from observing the nature as I patiently waited for the fish to bite. Toshi and I loved sweetfish and a good conversation. I cannot count to how many bold beginnings we laid the foundation in a small boat on the Tamagawa river."

"If I didn't fall asleep from boredom," the vice-commander chuckled. "When the sun shines into your face with sweltering ardor, you begin to think more of nature's charm and less of politics; then you begin to think less altogether and before you notice it, your mind is blank... I didn't share Kondou's passion for fishing and he liked to decry that fault of mine. One time he pushed me off the boat while I was sleeping."

They were interrupted by a very petite polite geisha. "I know you asked not to be disturbed, Kondou-san, but there was a message waiting for you from Miyuki. She wants to invite you..."

"Ah, tell her I cannot come today," replied the commander with a good-natured grin. "Women," he added after the door behind their unexpected visitor was slid shut, "they cannot understand that we often need to spend our time on something other than catering to their whims."

"Greater than carnal desire of a hero is only his ambition," murmured Itou. "I never understood that rare kind of men who devote their lives to only one woman. What is the sense in having children from one wife? What if she cannot bear you a healthy son? Wouldn't you agree with me, Kondou-san?"

"You are indisputably right, Itou-sensei. But Miyuki is a very understanding woman, she takes good care of her sister as she is carrying my child and not a day passes by when I don't pray for a son. I tell it to Toshi every day, but he is stubborn... women spoiled him with their attention."

"Ha-ha-ha," quietly laughed the vice-commander, "you want me to envy your lot, but instead I wonder how much time will pass before we have ourselves a new commander to order us around. Today she snatches you from us, tomorrow she dictates you what to wear and how to go about your duties... Miyuki and her sister completely went to your head, you can't deny it."

Akiha turned pale and furtively swallowed a small cup of sake in one gulp; the drink burnt her throat and tongue, leaving a bitter aftertaste in her mouth of something... incomplete. She was afraid she would witness the clash of their egos yet again, but instead Kondou waved his friend aside in the same good-natured manner.

"Weren't you engaged once?" Sardonically inquired Okita.

"I've got rotten luck," Hijikata extended her his cup which she promptly refilled, spilling a few droplets on her pretty purple kimono, but he didn't notice. His hand was a bit unsteady, but he drank in slow graceful sips. "Once I met this woman, a natural beauty, and then I saw how she ate... and there was something awfully unattractive about the way she ate."

"Don't avoid the subject."

"What the hell do you want me to say? I broke off the engagement, don't listen to idle gossip."

"An acquaintance of mine complained to me about unattractive women," Itou chimed in, "until he tried this herb, barrenwort*** – tastes disgustingly, he said, but with it any experience becomes better than the previous one. I didn't believe him, but then another friend..."

"Tell that acquaintance of yours that it's best to indulge yourself alone."

"Souji, you're drunk!"

"On the contrary, vice-commander, I am perfectly sober – how else would I take the news that you left me to peg out from consumption while you get yourself into a fight which could have ended with your death? Akiha-chan, why don't you drink with us!"

She obeyed, but instead of unnatural gaiety, she felt as though she was slipping into darkness – and that darkness waited for her avariciously. The weir which she erected in her mind cracked and strong emotions from which she hid behind it oozed through the chinks. With a trembling voice she attempted to sing:

"_...Floating on the wind__  
__come his footsteps__  
__first uneven__  
__but then supple and light.__  
__The manner of his dance__  
__is wonderful.__  
__Truly, this dreamlike apparition__  
__seems to us reality._

_Truly, this dreamlike..."_

Then it dawned on her what she was singing (and how – her eyes met the vice-commander's eyes with defiance and in them quivering candle flame was reflected, darkness and flame) and she covered her mouth with a palm. Akiha did not recall how she staggered along the wall to the door and into the corridor and into another room which on the first glance seemed empty, but then Inoue's figure emerged and she rushed towards him.

"Forgive me, Inoue-san, for saying it," she clutched the flaps of his kimono and buried her face in the silken cloth and wept bitterly, "but I want to go home. I want to return to those times when I lived with my father in Edo and to the left of us an old man talked to his morning glories every evening. 'Flowers grow healthier if you talk to them,' he told me once. I cannot bear this life any longer... I tried, believe me, I tried so many times, but I can't. I want to go home!"

"Hush, Akiha-chan, I know how you feel, believe me I do. Many of us think the same way, but not many have the luxury to leave... However, you can talk to the commander and he will send you back..."

She heard him, but if she were honest with herself, she didn't hear him at all, "There was an old beggar near one of the houses that I watched and he was unfair to me, but I didn't want him to die... I swear, I didn't want it! But he had his miserable life stolen from him because I dared judge... who am I to judge? And then today... there was so much blood. Listen, Inoue-san! I still hear the rain and feel blood trickling down my neck." She raised her tearful glance which perhaps could stir the pity of a hardened criminal. "Take this weight off my shoulders, I can't bear it any longer, Light of the East..."

"Cry, Akiha-chan, you will feel better."

"I was a bad girl once," she continued with self-deprecation. "I was overcome with a longing I could not understand, but it seized me and did not let go and maybe it was the calling of my blood, for it tantalized me with vivid images – power, freedom, all was mine for a brief moment. My father never understood why or how it was born in the mind of a little girl and now I know he was afraid a little. And one day I decided to run away and uncover the truth on my own. I knew where he kept the money he saved from his practices, always under the floor board in his room, and one night when he was out, assisting a pregnant woman in childbirth, I took all his money and left. And I wandered around Edo, seeking futilely, for not even a day when I was robbed and left on the streets, starving. You know that dreadful feeling of hunger, as if someone cuts your stomach with a knife and you bite your palm not to cry, but it would not go away... and you dream of food. And then suddenly you wake up and that feeling is gone, ousted by terrible weakness... Those were empty youthful aspirations, a poison of vanity and self-deceit, but who would explain me the truth? I returned home for I was a coward and after that my father who was very angry with me locked me in our house. For years my world had shrunk to a scrap of green and blue in the wooden frame of my window, but I'd rather be in prison than starve..." She never loved the Irishman, but Shinonome, too, was wrong – she never sought the ephemeral freedom, she sought revenge on her father whom she loved and hated at the same time. She sought to prove to him – and with him, to Hijikata, to Saito and Kondou and Heisuke – that she could achieve something of her own, that she wasn't afraid... But why should it matter to them or to anyone? How laughable those past desires seemed now. "Forgive me, I sound childish."

"Akiha-chan, if you want, I can talk to Kondou-san myself on your behalf..."

"No, Inoue-san, I don't want you to speak a word to anyone and neither will I," sobbing, she hid her face in his kimono and his rugged hand gently stroked her long hair. "It was an impossible dream. I will be all right now, I know it."

* * *

*_Nippon_ – old name for Japan

**_Kotetsu_ – Kondou's prized katana

***_Barrenwort – _as you might have guessed from the context, an herbal aphrodisiac popular in China and Japan.


	11. Boat of dreams

_**XI. Boat of dreams**_

Every day Kondou Isami, as it was appropriate of the samurai living in era of peace, devoted, with envious permanency, exactly one hour of his time to such noble pursuits as calligraphy and reading. Therefore Akiha was immensely surprised to hear that she was summoned to his quarters in the hour of the monkey, when the autumn sun painted the firmament in many hues of orange and saffron yellow. When she was seven or eight, she fancied the sun was fatigued, incessantly shining onto the land below, but it was shy and hard-working hence it needed helpers, the little weightless gray clouds, which enveloped the radiant disk to let it rest from its perpetual monotonous duty. When she sat by the window many years later, she imagined stories where the sun would be a valiant honorable man and a moon – his wife and they would meet briefly only to be torn apart yet again.

Before she hurried to Kondou's quarters, she brought the mendicant monk by the gates a cup of hot tea and plucked a few flowers. His room has always been modestly furnished and the most conspicuous object in it was the kake where rested a graceful, majestic curve of his Kotetsu. Akiha noticed a few pages covered with meticulous writing lying on the table top. Behind the commander's shoulder, silent and vigilant, sat Hijikata, dressed in his indigo yukata – simple clothes one would wear about the house. In his presence she always felt a certain wretched awkwardness although he hadn't been particularly inimical towards her, not for a while; she would worry that her obi wasn't properly tied or her hands rested on her knees uncouthly or her tabi were dirty and he would take note of it and think of her disapprovingly. But she enjoyed his company all the same, even if he didn't utter a single word or she kept silent all the time. It was the enigma of his presence; Kazama probably told her the truth about her parents and she was the daughter of a warrior, but in no way did she feel superior to a man who was born a peasant's son and was elevated (quite an extraordinary feat) to the status of not only a samurai but possibly a hatamoto. It was that authoritative enigma of his presence; his and Kondou's.

She bowed and, hiding both hands behind her back, flashed a coy smile at the commander, "Kondou-san, pick a side, left or right."

"Right, but why do you ask, Akiha-chan?"

She opened her palm and on it lay a purple flower, "That's _kudzu_, a flower I was looking for to help Souji with his headaches and... sickness. I can add it to any tea recipe or boil its leaves and let him drink the decoction... there are many ways to make use of this marvelous plant. In truth I lied... a little." She stuck out her tongue and showed him the other hand in which she clutched a purple flower akin to the first one as two droplets of water. "I had kudzu flowers in both hands... My father often told me how important it was in his medicinal practices, but I never tasted it... Plants, so frail, so wretched, but to them we often owe our lives..." She faltered, having met the commander's intent gaze, and her smile faded. "I am sorry, Kondou-san, you didn't summon me to chatter idly..."

"I am delighted to see you in high spirits, Akiha-chan, however, I did invite you here to converse about important matters." The commander clenched his teeth, compressing his lips tightly. "A few weeks ago, foreign ships steamed into Osaka's harbor and the British demanded reparations from the shogunate for the Shimonoseki Strait incident. The bakufu isn't in possession of such funds and they shouldn't be answering for the actions of traitors even if I cannot disagree with them. Such humiliation! It isn't all. Details should not concern you, but my decision will affect everyone... Matsudaira Katamori flatly refused to support my efforts to conduct investigation in Nagasaki, as if he is afraid that a shadow of suspicion would fall on Satsuma and the rest of the loyal daimyo do not express any eagerness to carry out the punitive measures against Choshu on shogun's behalf... Cowards. These unfavorable developments prompted me to undertake a journey to Hiroshima han with inspector Naomune to find out whether the Choshu intend to abide by the peace treaty or not. However, only a few selected members are aware of my true intentions which are to infiltrate the Choshu domain instead of simply observing from a distance..." Was he testing her? It was a foolish thought, but under his intent stare, she was overcome with confusion and averted her face. "It is a risky venture, I won't lie to you, and I made sure that if I don't return, everyone will be taken care of. I left my dojo to Okita, the new master of Tennen Rishin-ryu... I am very proud of him. I left Toshi in charge of the Shinsengumi with Saito as his vice-commander in my absence, which should I perish, shall become my permanent wish." Hijikata didn't even flinch or otherwise show he heard his friend. "We agreed it was the best course of action. As for you..."

Forgetting to breathe, she constrained herself to speak, "Yes, Kondou-san?"

"Since I am taking Yamazaki with me, you and my courtesan in Shimbara will become our main observers for the time being. There are... others, however, their duties are to observe outside of Kyoto. And our visit to Katamori in summer had very unexpected consequences which make this task both easier and harder for you... He wants to listen to you sing again. Perform well and you will gain access to circles we might not have dreamed of."

"Did he find out anything about my family?"

"He did and in this letter," the commander shook a piece of paper in front of her eyes, "he informs me that your father was indeed a samurai, the head of Yukimura clan, who was slain when you turned three years old as was your mother. I am sorry, Akiha-chan, but he couldn't find out who was at fault except that his sources in Edo have no knowledge of the former shogun ordering that slaughter."

"Kazama told me the truth then... at least, some of his words were true, my parents are dead..." She bit her lower lip. "I had time to think and I won't fret over the revelation. I never knew my mother and Kodo will always remain my father, nothing changed. Both of you shouldn't worry."

"Your resolve is commendable... But your heritage does change everything. You are the daughter of a samurai and your story has too many holes... Once you will reemerge in public, questions will be asked. What will you say?"

Akiha had to admit to herself that the commander was right.

"We thought of a believable lie," said Hijikata. "We rented you a house for a considerable sum of ten golden ryo from a purblind old widow of an ashigaru who died in a small rebellion in Osaka long ago. From now on, you will stay at that house near the large Sanjo bridge where mendicants gather. You may use that time as you desire."

"The house is yours on one condition," continued the commander. "For your story to be plausible, your provider should be your lover. You will be easy prey for dishonorable men, but if rumors were spread that you had been taken care of, they would think twice before involving themselves with us. At that, you need somebody to vouch for you. And, who knows, you might eventually find yourself a good husband among the people you meet..."

"Ah! Kondou-san, I am not interested," she blurted out, blushing with shame.

"Let's not guess at the future hastily, Akiha-chan. As I said, it is an obligatory condition of this arrangement to convince everyone that you are Toshi's lover."

She turned frighteningly pale, her eyes widened, and her heart sank, as if she witnessed the whole world turning upside down before her eyes; it was too sudden a change, too daring a hope, too... it was altogether too much for her to think it was within her reach – in her dreams, perhaps, but dreams should remain dreams with that very particular bitter-sweet taste of impossibility. To exacerbate her confusion, Kondou laughed loudly; at least the vice-commander obstinately kept silent, like a statue. "Don't be scared, poor child, it's a harmless rumor, you won't have to perform any... services, let's call them so. Toshi doesn't suffer from the lack of attention."

"It's not that," she said in a weak voice, trembling. "I would never suspect Hijikata-san of harboring ill intentions."

"Then what is it?"

She couldn't say. They mistook the reason of her confusion for fright, but she couldn't say anything, sitting there, transfixed, like a small animal that expected to be struck by a human.

"I asked him personally for a favor," Kondou tried to speak in a calm voice, even smiled at her, "since I can't do it myself. I am leaving soon and even if I didn't, I don't want you to have to deal with Miyuki and her sister who has just given birth to my daughter. They will find out where you live and I cannot tell them the truth. Women are rather garrulous by nature... I barely mentioned your name and Miyuki started crying... But why would you be scared? It's a reasonable choice. He has a reputation in Kyoto of a formidable swordsman, you will be safe in his care... and all that is required from you is to meet him once a week in that house so that outwardly it would appear that you are lovers. You won't have any obligations other than to receive him politely."

"It isn't the hardest or the most unpleasant favor you ever asked of me, my friend," remarked the vice-commander sullenly.

"Oh, don't make it worse, Toshi! Don't you see she is..."

"I... I am not frightened," Akiha spoke suddenly and firmly. "I am honored."

It was more than gratitude or astonishment, or joy, but she wouldn't speak of it hastily, for if she was honest with herself, she didn't know love. There were Saikaku's stories in which women dared seek personal happiness despite the fleeting nature of this world, but it was fleeting still. There was Onatsu who was consumed by passion, who wrote letters to the object of her love, and who, grief-stricken, tried to take her own life once he was brutally murdered – but if she wrote passionate letters, their fate would be the same as the fate of many letters the vice-commander sent to his village for the students of Shieikan to laugh at. There were courtesans she had seen in pleasure districts on their knees and hands, making a variety of noises which a drunkard or a half-deaf man could mistake for passionate, but their faces were lifeless and their movements fake and she shuddered with disgust, remembering them. Perhaps, she should pray to the Light of the East, but gods ridiculed the selfish requests of men. Which of those ways was the way of love? She were to marry a man out of convenience as her father doubtlessly wanted, but that was one road she could no longer walk upon.

"I am honored," she repeated so as not to appear discouraged (not that she was given a choice), "because you let me serve my shogun and I swear... I swear I will not squander this opportunity."

"Naive idealism of youth," muttered the vice-commander.

"Ah, I am so glad!" Exclaimed Kondou with exuberant joy, "All things finally conspired to please me. I will leave without worry for our future. And, please, Akiha-chan, don't think that you owe us anything. If you receive a proposal, accept it immediately!"

"I don't think anyone... would..."

"Isn't she modest!"

"Be at the house on the third day of each week," said Hijikata. "I will see to the gossip. I know this one talkative courtesan in Shimbara... a good-natured but silly woman, she repeats anything you tell her."

She was in a state which resembled delirium; the world seemed fragile and she expected someone to tell her that that they lied to her to mock her.

"And Akiha-chan, before you go... apologize to Itou-sensei, he was indignant you were spreading notorious rumors about him."

"I apologized for accusing him of treason once, but if he forgot, I will apologize again. Yet I was spreading no rumors about him, I would not do such awful thing." She rose, still holding the flowers in her hand and then her gaze fell onto the scattered papers. "May I have a letter which Matsudaira-san sent you? That letter in which he tells you of my parents... their names, I wish to know them."

The commander extended her the paper and she folded it and put it between the lapels of her kimono. Her father told her that mother died from disease and in her mind she always had an image of a very pale, frail woman on a futon with large black eyes, but now she had to imagine something else and she did not know what. Yukimura Mari was her name, an empty word on paper, but somehow Akiha was seeing Shinonome's face. She couldn't even be angry with her father for lying to her.

In the kitchen, she made tea for Okita and placed the tray by the door to his room. Then she waited for Itou-sensei until he finished his literary lesson and the crowd of giggling or discontent youths dispersed. She did not want to converse face-to-face with the man she strongly disliked, but Kondou-san did not request it in jest.

"Itou-sensei..."

"Ah, come in, Yukimura-chan..." He appeared cheerful, but his cheerfulness only alerted her. "Don't be shy, I don't see a reason for us to be hostile toward each other."

"I don't see a reason for us to be friendly toward each other. I was told you demanded my apology and that you shall have – but that and only that. My personal sympathy cannot be received upon request."

"If you weren't so egoistical, you would understand why I mistrusted you before... In your position it is very easy to pose as an ally and spy for the enemy. But I admit I made a mistake. You are an honest girl."

Akiha pressed her hands to her chest, crumpling the flowers with her fingers, "I, too, made a mistake. I hope my apology will suffice..."

"I did not need your apology, but I did want to talk... And you seem to be avoiding me ever since we met. The reason to it is... sit, Akiha-chan, don't feel shy... The reason is I don't know what kind of image of me you had and rest assured, I mean you no harm. Kondou-san and I work towards the same goal even if it appears... if it sometimes appears that we have conflicting political viewpoints. Kondou-san is an intelligent, courageous man whom I deeply admire. You see," he smiled, "I don't want you to believe that the Emperor is some sort of impostor from the street, seeking power with no substantial reason to support his claim. The first Emperor was sent to us by heaven. To unite the bakufu and the Imperial court after centuries of struggle means to cede to the demands of time and what is more noble than that? The uprising of roshi reflects the need for both political and social change."

"You speak as though my words might bear weight someday. I am loyal to the regime which my family served for centuries and you desire change because you believe the shogun to be an inadequate ruler. That's what every Imperial loyalist says. If a shogun makes a mistake, it is on his conscience, not mine, and it is hardly a reason to betray him. If your Emperor erred, would you betray him?"

"Treason, treason... Why do you speak of treason again? I mean change, not treason."

"Isn't it one and the same, Itou-sensei?"

"Oh, Yukimura-chan... What would our world be without it? Some static monotonous entity..."

"Hijikata-san calls them entrepreneurs, not warriors, people who follow wherever the fickle wind blows..." She bowed and straightened, looking with unseeing eyes into the distance. "If you are right, then these are sad times and we are... sad people... May Light of the East watch over us all._.."_

Then she ran out into the street, smiling to herself, and headed to Okita's room, having remembered that she made him her special medicinal tea. What did Itou want to convince her to do? She was the daughter of a samurai and he wanted her to believe in Emperor Komei who she never met... How could she not laugh?

"Is there a particular reason why you are laughing, brat?"

Souji's tall figure shielded the light and Akiha raised her head to see a genuine smile rove on his lips, a rarer guest after word got out that he had consumption, however, for someone who was ill, it was a feat not to give in to despair and remain in good spirits. She always felt shame in his presence for letting her own troubles preoccupy her thoughts when he valiantly endeavored to be cheerful.

"Many things happened," she replied, kneeling to open the door and pick up the tray with teacups she left there earlier. "I spoke with Kondou-san... he wants to leave on some inspection to Hiroshima han and observe the Choshu, but I am not certain it's a wise choice. I am awfully worried about his well-being..."

"You know you aren't supposed to talk about it," remarked Souji, following her yet leaving the door open for the chill autumn wind to freshen the stifling air. Blood drained from her cheeks under the piercing gaze of the young samurai, but he suddenly burst out laughing, turning his own words into jest. "I knew of his intentions before Toshi did, but nevertheless... you shouldn't be so careless when you speak."

"And you shouldn't be practicing in a yukata when it's cold," she mumbled, pouring tea into a teacup. "I know you have been practicing kenjutsu every day although I told you to take a break."

"Huh... You are worse than the vice-commander. I am not dying yet, you know."

She dropped her eyes to the floor, "Don't speak like that, Souji! Don't you ever... I don't want to argue again... What do you think about Kondou-san's other decision? Isn't it a little rash?"

"It's very clever... I can see you being Toshi's lover, it'll suit you both... A son of a peasant who became a samurai and a daughter of a samurai who became a peasant... or something equally poetic."

"Oi, Souji, you are a pig! Don't jest at me like that," the paleness on her face gave place to deep suffusion and she barely curbed a strong desire to hurl a small teacup at him in spite of her modest and decent upbringing. "I meant something else entirely. He left you his dojo..."

"That's old news. Such was his will when I became his adopted son... I was to carry on the noble tradition of fighting in Tennen Rishin style. Perhaps you think it should have been Toshi in my stead, but Toshi... How can I describe it? He can be dry, practical, but his stubbornness sometimes gets in the way of his practicality. He never mastered a single existing style of sword fighting. We laugh at him sometimes... stylistically, he is rough and brazen, like a geisha who took into her head to perform a mixture of a traditional dance with barbaric Western movements."

"Hijikata-san is nothing like a geisha..."

"Gee, brat, that's a fine thing to say!" Laughing, he almost spilled his tea, but in the last moment steadied his hand and adroitly wiped his chin. "When I see him, I'll mention you said that."

"No, Souji, please," she froze, annoyed and horrified at the thought of what the vice-commander would conclude about her if he knew she said such foolishness.

"You should know by now that I don't mean half of what I say."

Akiha heaved a sigh, "You would have been a great actor... However, you still didn't answer my question."

"Kondou-san is more than a father to me, he is a parent that many dream to have. We do what we must, I respect and understand that. So does he."

"But if Choshu catch him, they will torture him... they will do terrible things to him... If they recognize him, they will not let him go alive. I know how much they hate him!"

"If he doesn't go, we will remain utterly blind and in this day and age blindness isn't that luxury which we can afford. Am I right, Akiha-chan?"

"You forgot to call me brat," she remarked mirthlessly.

"Your tea tastes wonderfully, an exquisite blend of herbs!" He exclaimed suddenly. "And I feel refreshed each time I drink it... Cheer up, what's come to you? Kondou is cunning and skilled and responsible, he won't venture his life purposelessly."

And again she felt ashamed to be encouraged by an ill young man – what did she have to complain about? They knew Kondou for years and yet it was her who doubted him, it was her who voiced her concerns aloud.

"What of Itou-sensei?"

"He journeys with the commander. And I still hadn't fathomed why... Does he mistrust Kashitaro or value his advice?"

...After that day, as winter neared inexorably, on the third day of each week Akiha waited for the man she fancied in her dreams in a small house on the bank of Kamo river by the large bridge under which scum of the earth gathered – paupers, mendicant recalcitrant monks, cripples and other hapless lot. For a short hour she forgot everything so as to become a perfect woman, frail, ephemeral, much like her dreams of a man before her eyes. She dressed herself in lilac and crimson, decorated her hair and painted her lips – only the white rice powder she forgot to put on. She poured him tea and patiently waited until he quenched his thirst, stretching forth her arm to refill his drink, and as she did so, she as though involuntarily bared her wrist. She wanted him to feel as she felt; that his life would never be as fine again and his heart so much afloat, that if he were to die the next day, he would regret nothing. Thus many men came to ruin, but not him – he was not like them. He would not fall in love with her for it – it was an hour from a dream and nothing more than that.

The vice-commander made it his habit to converse with her for a short while. One time they discussed the influence of Chinese poetry on Japanese art and she, to her great surprise, discovered that Hijikata was rather well-versed in music; he knew the difference between jiuta and joruri, which she gladly demonstrated him afterwards. He was indeed a man of many fascinating qualities. The other time she returned after meeting Takasaki Sataro of Shimazu family's faction from Satsuma in Matsudaira Katamori's residence and brought a small lacquered box with her, a gift from a grateful listener and admirer of her talent. In it were three tiny sticks wrapped in silk which Sataro called _matches_. His lord's benefactor, Date Munenari (of whom he told many rather peculiar stories as well), was known as an avid collector of any Western wonders he could purchase and that particular wonder could be ignited, as she explained excitedly to the vice-commander, 'by rubbing its small, red leek-blossom head against the ground or a wall or any surface whatsoever'. At first, he reacted similarly to how she did, stared at her with superstitious horror, then laughed and told her that no one had ever entertained him like that.

Other times Hijikata spoke of politics, but these conversations turned into monologues not so much because she had nothing to add, but because he rarely let her and she did not want to interrupt him rudely.

"Their arguments become rather desperate," he would say with severity to which she was accustomed and bitterness which she did not understand. "They say: Our great duty is to seek out the national polity of the Imperial Country of old so that we may face all nations without shame. They say: There cannot be two rulers in one land, or two heads in a house... And there is a whit of truth in what they say, but one needs to contemplate returning to the ways of the old with wisdom, and as it is now, the Emperor needs the shogun who has experience, power and people willing to lay down their lives for him... They want to do it out of shame. What are they all of a sudden ashamed of? Centuries we lived in peace, side by side with Western nations and not one of us felt ashamed for our ways. Pious hypocrites... what is shame? We are ashamed of our failures and we commit seppuku out of that shame, but it means nothing to a Western man who in turn resents an idea of publicly taking a bath with a naked woman... I sometimes ask myself whether I have been born in a wrong time."

"But you don't believe in a peaceful unification?" She would ask in return, frightened by his words.

"There is old hatred between hans which will not let the old ghosts rest. Those old ghosts demand blood... How will you placate them otherwise? Blood doesn't frighten me and maybe therein lies my shortcoming; the modern world is afraid of blood..."

Then she recalled a song she heard somewhere, a few lines which ate into her soul like rust.

"_Like an ox-drawn cart,__  
__This weary world__  
__Rolls endlessly__  
__On the wheels__  
__Of retribution.__  
__On the wheels__  
__Of retribution..._"

Once Akiha even dared to compliment the vice-commander. "Minamoto no Kurou Yoshitsune* in his scarlet-laced suit of armor must have looked a lot like you," she said breathlessly when he came in, wearing a dark-red warm kimono as opposed to light-blue haori and black hakama. He looked at her with a strange expression, yet said nothing – only looked and smiled faintly.

Each hour with him was stolen from life – a dream and nothing more than that.

The owner of the house, a purblind woman, paid her no heed and she left and returned when she pleased. She was beginning to enjoy certain freedom befitting a samurai's daughter which she at first deemed a mockery, but to which she grew accustomed quickly. Sometimes Akiha stayed for days at the house, reading in the afternoon, entertaining a guest in the evening and slipping into rags in the morning to disguise herself as a beggar and either out of curiosity or need to observe the passersby, went under the large Sanjo bridge, seeking in dirt, in immeasurable human suffering sacred meaning of life.

One evening in late fall, only two weeks after Kondou left with inspector Naomune for Hiroshima han, she was retuning to the house and by the gate into Gion district she met Kazama again. In truth, she intended to spy on Shinonome, to catch at least a glimpse of Hijikata's former geisha** - in her mind she created a design which included a woman who looked like she walked into the world from a ukiyo-e. She didn't mind being patient until buds of her own affection would blossom.

Kazama appeared out of the shadows, as was his habit, recognizing her despite her masquerade – she wore a wig which she bought from a retired kabuki owner and painted an ugly scar on her skin with paints she prepared from oils, chalk, egg yoke and kudzu flowers.

"Yukimura-chan, how low you have fallen!" He greeted her mockingly.

Akiha hastily wiped the paint off her face and gazed at him with fierce determination. Behind him stretched a desolated, dark street and stillness enveloped them, disturbed only by the sound of her ragged breath.

"You deceived me, lord Kazama, and I do not wish to hear more lies from you."

"We never finished talking, but I didn't lie to you. You are the descendant of the last samurai of the Yukimura clan, raised by his brother – your uncle – after he was slain by the bakufu troops."

"Lies!" She exclaimed indignantly. "I asked someone who works for the shogun and he never heard of such massacre perpetrated on his orders. So stop lying and tell me how my mother, Yukimura Mari, died! Or leave me be..."

The oni momentarily appeared offended. "Yukimura Mari... It's such a pity you never knew what kind of a woman your mother was. Your father was a pitiable drunkard and a tyrant out of idleness. He wasn't even half the samurai your noble grandfather was, squandered his life and wealth... But you mother... what a woman! I see glimpses of her in you. She endured your father's tyranny and beating admirably... But it's no wonder, she was from a lesser branch of Kazama family, my family!"

Akiha was shaken with deep-rooted fear the likes of which she never felt before. "I-I am your relative?"

"A very distant one, but yes... all pure-blood oni are, it's a choice we made for survival. You might begin to understand why and how we are connected... Last time I was rudely interrupted yet again, but today I will tell you everything." He sneered. "Where do I begin?"

"Tell me how my parents died! Tell me how you knew about my family's manuscript!"

He lifted his arms in dismay with that same small smile on his lips as if to say that he did not understand her fervent request. "It is customary to arrange marriages between our families. Your mother was promised to your father just as you, in turn, was promised to me on the day you were born. Your father, the pitiful fool he was, to retain the crumbs of dignity hid behind his loyalty to the shogun and refused to give blessing to our union. He called Satsuma disloyal scum..."

"I don't blame him," she flung the daring words into the demon's arrogant face.

"Hush, Akiha-chan, don't speak with disrespect to your future husband... Your mother understood the gravity of the situation, but she was powerless. And then one day, in the tumult and fire, you disappeared and I presumed you died together with the rest of your family until that night at Ikedaya inn... I looked into your face and I saw Mari, but I couldn't believe it was you. I made inquiries before I sought you out again and then I was certain I didn't err..."

Akiha took a deep breath and slipped into a role so easily that Kazama was startled. "Even if you are right, the river of time did not stand still," she said in a sweet voice, almost sang. "Even if I once was promised to you, I knew nothing of that promise and therefore I do not intend to keep it. The man I always called my father disappeared and I am not bound to his will either... I am..." She knelt into the dust, picked up a small stick and drew a tree. "I was a leaf once... My name, Aki-ha, is written like an autumn leaf... But the tree shakes off its leaves every fall and they will never grow back on that tree. They wander, carried by the strong wind, homeless... There is a reason for that, for in spring new leaves grow from green and tender buds. I fell off the tree, lord Kazama... and the tree is no more." She giggled. "I am a butterfly now," she added and drew a butterfly.

She would never admit, not even under torture, to anyone (perhaps, not even to herself) that she once spied on Hijikata-san; only once an opportunity presented itself and she watched him for half an hour or rather a reflection of his graceful figure and long flowing hair on the screen door which glowed at night.

"In other words, you won't come with me," Kazama was vexed. "You don't have a choice, I will make you."

"You can't attach the leaf back to the branch whereof it had fallen."

"Ah, you persist in your folly... and you don't strike me as a stupid girl. No one will prevent me from taking you..."

"I'll kill myself and you can't allow for it to happen, not after you tried so hard to find me."

"You don't have the courage!"

"I'll kill myself, I'll kill myself," she repeated, thrusting the stick into the ground with force. _The only power he has over you is your wretched life – take that power away and he has nothing. _

He raised his hand to hit her, but froze and then a scream rang, dispersing it seemed darkness itself, "Somebody help! Help us! We are being robbed!" A woman's scream. Akiha leaped to her feet and ran towards that clear sound, blindly, desperately, and around her the street came to life: Lanterns were lit, muffled voices were heard from the direction of the gate, but she saw nothing, only the woman's face. Her savior's face.

It was Shinonome.

* * *

*_Minamoto Yoshitsune_ – legendary Japanese general.

**Geisha were not prostitutes; they had long-term patrons with whom they could sleep, but it wasn't part of their duties. Historically, Shinonome was a courtesan, but for my plot I needed her to be a geisha.

**~o~o~o~**

_In anime, I found Kazama's motivations to be weak; not nonsensical, but... lacking, so I came up with my own version. ;)_


	12. Hollyhock festival

_**XII. Hollyhock festival**_

Kondou returned after the New Year* which Akiha celebrated with the old widow while the Shinsengumi captains caroused with the courtesans somewhere in Shimbara. He appeared very preoccupied and immediately visited Matsudaira Katamori's residence to report a dire, as she concluded from the few rumors which reached her ears, situation. A few days later, however, there was an urgent meeting at Nishi Hoganji temple to which she was invited and there the commander voiced out his concerns:

"Although hatamoto have gradually reached Geishu province, they display no fighting spirit whatsoever," he said sternly and contemptuously. "We have waited too long, the morale is terribly low... They disgust me, those so-called Tokugawa warriors, who are meeker than domestic hogs. They grow weary of just sitting there, collecting souvenirs, and await eagerly an opportunity to return to the East. A few months ago, I was a fervid proponent of a war, and now I am compelled to admit that if we fight Choshu, we will lose. I am compelled, to my deepest regret, to advise the lord of Aizu to accept any sign of submission from them with leniency."

"Is it that serious?" Asked Saito.

"I failed to get far therefore I will be retuning there shortly, but even on the first glance their readiness is supreme. Alas, I must give my enemies their due, they didn't waste time, preparing... no, not for a skirmish, for a long war of attrition."

"I don't understand, Kondou-san," objected Okita, addressing the commander formally, "how they managed to gather a threatening enough force which all Tokugawa retainers cannot fight together."

"They won't fight together, Souji; the shogun doesn't have many loyal supporters these days... They still believe it's all a noble game of dakyu**, of who will be the first to score a goal with the ball of his color, but times have changed... I see clearly now how much they changed..."

The grave words hung in silence and in this silence, inexorable and palpable, Inoue drew himself to full height. Akiha rarely saw him so agitated and indignant, but this time he could not restrain himself, gesticulating impetuously as he spoke. "Then we must out of sense of great urgency act as we would in the days of old. Or it will be too late... Someone will have to petition the Emperor for another edict if Iemochi hesitates... Can't we promise anything to those daimyo who will not fight? It isn't the time for the bakufu to be stingy. And it's not the daimyo who will get it worse; or they will, but at first it won't be them... Only fancy how the peasants whose discontent was growing for years will react. The village is the source of our wealth. In the end, they will lose more."

"Inoue is talking sense!"

"I trust Kondou-san's judgment even if I don't like it," objected Saito. "If there is a lesson to be learned from the past, we must not act, relying on that one strength which we used to rely on thoughtlessly. A great duel between lord Kojiro and Musashi demonstrates that strength should not be taken for granted; however successful a quality had proved itself in the past, there will always come a day when it will fail you and that day may as well be tomorrow."

"A common excuse used by cowards," said someone.

A brief argument which ensued was cut short once again by the commander. "We aren't here to exacerbate the discord by arguing. I will not act against my conscience and give lord Katamori a disastrous advice. These are just words and say what you wanna say afterwards... I gathered you to explain the reasons why I will be departing shortly and duly advise you of all important developments. You," Kondou turned to look at her with his stormy eyes and Akiha understood he would deal shortly with her, "tell us if you heard anything valuable."

What could she say? She could tell him that Matsudaira Katamori sometimes hid from the wrath of his retainers and she had once been invited to one of his binges, leaving afterwards with a completely different impression of him. The lord of Aizu no longer appeared intimidating; he was as courageous and proud as he was miserable and his duties rested on his shoulders like a heavy burden from which he took refuge in the company of women. His redeeming quality was his sociability. He often asked her about her life in Edo, but not once did he make obscene remarks about her notwithstanding his habits. It seemed that he valued his friendship with Kondou more than a brief gratification of his desires after a wild night with her. She suspected the thought crossed his mind when he drank too much of the prize Gekkeikan sake (Kondou's favorite, too), but she wasn't worth the effort or the risk of worsening his relationship with the Shinsengumi commanders. Although in fits of melancholy, which were frequent, she wondered what either of them would do if the lord of Aizu treated her as the Irishman did; would they protect her or choose to leave her to the wolves so as not to fall out of favor with their benefactor?

She could also tell Kondou that Katamori's younger brother had a predilection for expensive horses. And they both met with many representatives from Satsuma, Uwajima, and the Imperial court. However, not much was said in her presence. She was the entertainer, the woman of fleeting value, the butterfly.

"I-I am..." Akiha began apologetically, but hesitated – they didn't gather here to listen to her mumbling. Having collected her wits, she responded uprightly, "I heard rumors that Iwakura was exchanging letters with radical loyalists from his house on the outskirts of Kyoto whereto he was exiled."

"Who is Iwakura? Isn't he one of the roju*** who supported the peace treaties with foreigners?"

"No, no, he is from the Imperial court."

"I think Inoue-san is correct, he is a former chamberlain who helped arrange the marriage between the shogun and the Emperor's sister."

"Damn it, Hajime, how do you remember those names?"

"Only those which are important..."

"Doesn't it make him our ally, not an enemy?" Asked Nakagura and momentarily she felt with every fibre of her soul the ominous suspense. Perhaps, she should have remained silent, but if she were to utterly fail the expectations of the Shinsengumi commanders, the feeling of an aching void inside her would be too unbearable.

"There's that, you fancy enemies in the Imperial court..." said Itou. "Don't you have enough of them to satisfy even the most bloodthirsty proponent of the samurai tradition? How many times does Emperor Komei have to prove to you his favorable attitude toward the shogun and the ancient regime?"

There was a particular intonation with which he pronounced the word 'ancient' that she distinguished, a light mockery and disdain masked by indignation. But she was wrong about Itou, he wasn't the traitor who warned their enemies about their investigation in Otsu. He despised all and sundry, with the exception of his Emperor and Kondou Isami, but in truth, whichever his intentions were, they temporarily coincided with the intentions of the Shinsengumi commanders.

Then Nakagura got into a brief argument with Kondou over what Itou said and nothing was decided in the end. During the entire conversation, looking right and left, with a light frown which never left his face and with tightly compressed lips, Hijikata sat silently and she had a strong suspicion that he somehow knew the outcome beforehand.

In the evening Saito and Okita visited her with the new orders from the commander. She was to observe some of the regular members outside the Nishi Hoganji temple. Everything she needed to know she would hear from Hijikata or one of the captains. They brought sake with them and this time she drank, showing a lack of restraint, to forget herself in the fruity, fragrant madness. At times, her life seemed so loathsomely squandered and the harsh admonition from Kondou only exacerbated the feeling.

Not even a week later Kondou left for another inspection to Choshu han – or, perhaps, it wasn't an inspection, but the vice-commander did not expatiate lengthily on the reasons of his departure. Hijikata failed to meet her only twice on the designated day of the week; once a relative from Ishida village visited him and the other he remained in the temple to resolve a misunderstanding between Kondou and Nakagura, but with the few exceptions, he strictly adhered to the conditions of their arrangement and so Akiha easily deluded herself into false hopes. He influenced her in ways she could not always understand, but for once she began thinking about the future like an adult woman, in a more practical, sensible way as opposed to harboring dreamy ambitions. Whether she finds her father or not, whether Hijikata reciprocates her affection or not, she will have to find means of living which will not be as revolting to her nature as duties of a courtesan. Akiha decided reasonably that she would not always be the Shinsengumi observer; times could change any day, the shogun could reclaim his supreme authority and then she would find herself on the streets and the thought, once tempting, frightened her terribly. She decided to conserve as much gold as she could, hide it where her father hid it, under the floorboard in her bedroom, and with time buy herself a small shop on the outskirts of Kyoto or a teahouse, or become a shamisen player in a bunraku**** theater. She could also practice medicine a little if all else failed.

She became more reserved, thoughtful, not from sullenness or bitterness – on the contrary, she was generally fond of people even though she suffered from their actions frequently – but from an inward inclination to imitate the vice-commander's demeanor. He enthralled her to such an extent that she managed to forget and forgo her own carefree nature, at least that part of it which still remained unmarred, in its purest manifestation. His was a subtle influence, not as evident and sudden as the Irishman's, for she was more careful, even fearful to trust people, but once she became aware of it, it was hopelessly late to uproot it.

She was indeed a butterfly drawn to the bright light.

Meanwhile, Japan awaited in breathless suspense the resolution of the political crisis which reached its pinnacle. Hijikata solved the mystery of their adventures in Otsu. There was a post station near the town and after the Shinsengumi raided one of the inns, they discovered traces of a connection which existed between a small postal town east of Kyoto and the port of Nagasaki where Satsuma aided Choshu in purchasing weapons for their campaign against the shogun. Kondou's words became palpable. Then rumors, one more dreadful and absurd than the other, spread across the Imperial capital: There was talk of rebellions, of Tosa agents plotting the liberation of the Emperor, of Choshu allying themselves with Satsuma, of foreign ships haling shells on Edo and Osaka – many words were spoken, but no one knew the truth. The recalcitrant capital was overcome with fright.

Akiha loved to think that her efforts contributed to the sustenance of fragile peace between the daimyo in Kyoto; they were enormous efforts which didn't yield fruit often, however, if she fell asleep, thinking that at least one child didn't cry that night because his parents were protected by the Shinsengumi or a father lifted a grateful prayer for having enough money to feed his family because his shop survived another cold, harsh winter, she was happy. The gathering of mendicants under the Sanjo bridge was a terrible place. They fought for food, killed for food, they were ill and their clothes were infested with lice, but no one in the whole capital heard more bizarre rumors and shared them so freely.

It was there that she heard at the end of winter a rumor about a certain 'big fish'***** which was spotted south of Kyoto in Fushimi village. Akiha found the Teradaya inn in the evening and thought that she had come too late when she heard a distinctive noise in the dark, as if many people crowded a room or a narrow hallway, and then small lanterns, commonly known as burglar lanterns, were lit. In wan light, she, having hidden in a pile of hay on the cart, saw strained faces, eyes sparkling with that murderous intent, and recognized in those nightly intruders regular bakufu soldiers. It was a cold winter evening, the wind chilled to the bone, and on the edges of the roofs hung long icicles, but she fell into a great flutter and did not feel the chill. Meanwhile, the soldiers entered the inn. They were armed with spears and carried long staves whose purpose she did not understand. Voices rang from above and the assailants responded mockingly, 'Oi, is that so? Get down! Get down!' The commotion, which ensued after the spearmen disappeared inside the inn, died down and then Akiha heard it, an awful loud sound like a roar of a dragon or a peal of thunder. Once, then twice it violated the quiescence, an enraged divinity showing its wrath after it slept for hundreds of years, consumed with hunger for human flesh, and a shrill scream followed shortly. Someone was dying upstairs in unimaginable pain. Akiha climbed from underneath the hay and belted off down the ally, where she ran into the culprit of the bustle who had awoken the angry god. He without a doubt belonged to the party of Imperial loyalists, that man of small stature with rather handsome, almost effeminate features, but there was familiar fire burning in his eyes, burning brightly and stubbornly, and she was reminded of Hijikata. The stranger shoved her aside, pointed the small dark object he clutched in his wounded hand at someone behind her and it belched out fire and smoke, having emitted that terrible sound. Akiha cried out faintly and pressed both hands to her ears. When she recovered, he disappeared in darkness and only an image remained, forever etched in her memory, of a man who fought no less passionately and honorably than any of the Shinsengumi captains. For many an hour afterwards she pondered why they had to become enemies with such an admirable man when they could be allies. And there was another memory she retained; she fancied she recognized another spectator, attracted to the loud noise and resplendent light, but all she could recall from that momentary encounter was a smile.

When the snow thawed, Shinonome visited Akiha in her house for the first time. Since that memorable night when the geisha saved her from Kazama, although she insisted she wasn't whatsoever imbued with sympathy towards her and saved her out of solidarity of one woman in distress to the other, Akiha felt strange affection grow between them. Later Shinonome told her that her parents were poor fishermen from a small village in the Ise province who lived from hand to mouth, but when she turned fifteen, by a wonderful stroke of luck, they saved a rich merchant who was stranded in the sea on a boat during a raging storm. She attended a local temple school for two years and then it was agreed they would be wed, but Shinonome fell in love with a son of another local fisherman and together they decided to run away and seek fortune elsewhere. They arrived to Kyoto, where she later became a successful entertainer. She abandoned her lover then in search of a better future; 'he was short and ungainly and could not provide me with everything I wanted,' she would say, laughing, and then emphasize that his poverty and lack of ambition were his worst vices in her eyes. His unobtrusive appearance clearly wasn't. Akiha was surprised that for a woman of her beauty, appearance of a man didn't mean much. 'He has to provide well for me and my children,' replied the geisha to her unspoken question. 'A man slightly prettier than an ape is a gift of fate if he is rich.'

"But what of the merchant whom you were supposed to marry?" Akiha inquired.

"I was young and naive, my silly girl. I thought I was in love, but love alone could not feed me and soon... Don't you see? Men love beauty, but how can you be beautiful for him when you haven't eaten for a week? Oh, you are too naïve... Destitution, filth stifle affection and you can bear the humiliation for a month, for a year, but after so long, you wake up with an enemy in your bed. It was all his fault! He didn't have ambition to make anything of himself."

"So you fell in love with Hijikata-san because he had ambition..." She blurted out without thought.

Akiha thought Shinonome would hit her, but instead she said quietly, "It was different with him. With him I thought I could live poor and free as a mendicant monk... But I am a fool, too! And you, with your dreamy, starry eyes... I hated you because you were a fool like me! If you want to be happy when you're older, never marry a handsome man."

"Do you love him still?"

"I'll always love him. The sun may set in the East and the sea may turn into land, and I will still love him. For pity's sake, don't ask me questions like that! He is an extraordinary man, that's what everyone says... not ordinary, you see, not ordinary in every sense of the word..." And she looked so miserable and wretched that Akiha's heart was wrung with regret and she was ashamed of herself for wanting to build her life on the ruins of someone's happiness. If she knew that Hijikata loved Shinonome, she would without a moment's hesitation sacrifice her own dreams for their happiness together. It seemed a noble and worthy sacrifice.

Shinonome did not know of her arrangement with the vice-commander and Akiha was afraid to mention it in her presence. She realized it would destroy their fragile friendship, but if the geisha was never told the truth, they should remain friends for a long time. How long? She didn't look that far into the future.

Kondou returned from Choshu han in spring, but Akiha still could not find a spy within the Shinsengumi. No one could. Everyone was certain of his existence, however, he was very careful. And then Yamazaki came up with an elaborate design to lure the evasive observer into a pitfall which took at least a month to prepare. The day after the hollyhock festival, the traitor was to be entrapped and executed thereafter.

On the morning of the festival, the Shinsengumi were dismissed from their duties and the vice-commander invited her to join the festal procession with him as it crossed the Kamo river, heading in the direction of the Kamigamo shrine. By some cruel irony, only two years ago she sat on the river bank with the Irishman, admiring the shrine's beauty, and there she will be again, walking alongside of another man she loved, in the vicinity of the same shrine. This time, however, she decided to buy a wooden amulet to protect herself from evil spirits and appease the gods. She dressed for the occasion, however, her kimono could not compare in subtlety to the gorgeous many-layered green, red and mauve kazami which the court nobles wore to imitate the garments of the antiquity.

The culprit of the occasion, the Saio-Dai who in the absence of princess Kazu, the Emperor's youngest sister and shogun's wife, was portrayed by one of his close relatives, left the Imperial Palace in the morning at the head of a long splendid procession which consisted of two ox-drawn carts decorated with blooming branches of sakura and hollyhock leaves, thirty six horsemen on well-bred stallions adorned with no less pompousness and four cows. People of all ages from Kyoto and small towns in the capital's vicinity gathered to admire the procession as well as greet the members of the Emperor's family; they wore festive clothing and carried large umbrellas which from above appeared to have blended into a many-colored river which flowed stately along the wide Oike road and then branched into tumultuous spring brooks. The whole city shook off its lethargy and appeared before Akiha's eyes, recalcitrant and thrilling and enigmatic. She had never seen Kyoto so beautiful and majestic; never before and never again.

The day happened to be warm and the sky was without a cloud. In the shade of branchy trees settled street traders from whom one could buy everything from cheap food to trinkets and amulets. Children were running to and fro and their clear voices rang in the streets gilded with the afternoon sunlight. Akiha could not recall a merrier day in her life. Hijikata, too, was in one of his more cheerful moods although someone who did not know him would not see the difference in his demeanor. He strode purposefully alongside of her, wearing a casual kimono and his daisho, with his hands resting on his obi in a deceivingly relaxed manner. No one recognized him in the merry crowd, but young women occasionally glanced back at him and smiled flirtatiously. Every such time Akiha's hear fluttered in her chest, but she worried needlessly for Hijikata responded with but an absent-minded polite bow.

She began the conversation. In the distance, above the swaying fancy head adornments, her eyes found a lone butterfly and lingered on it as it struggled to fly in the gusts of strong wing.

"Long ago... perhaps you forgot, but I remember," she said in a slightly dreamy voice, "I happened to read a hokku of yours, unintentionally of course, when you dropped your writing box in front of me. Ever since I wondered what you meant, feeling that somehow the answer was very important... What do butterflies want when they burn in the fire to which they were drawn? You must know, right?"

"How the hell am I supposed to? 'Twas long ago when I wrote it and I don't remember what prompted me to reflect that sentiment on paper. I dabbled at poetry because I drew inspiration from my older brother, but I wasn't seriously considering it as anything but an outlet for my artistic impulses. So there you have it, the short tale of adventures of Toshizou the poet..." He was seemingly amused by the thought and she fancied he laughed at her.

"I don't believe you, Hijika-" She began, stubbornly gazing at him. Come what may, but she refused to address him as though they briefly met at a social gathering. "May I call you... Toshi-san when we aren't in the company of... when we are alone?" Not as frivolous as Kondou's aliases, it was an appropriate form of address... no, it wasn't, she admitted to herself, but if she never ventured to show her affection, they would remain acquaintances who would soon drift apart.

"Call me whatever you want. We're in it together, so you may as well... Toshi-san," he suddenly laughed. "It feels strangely right, doesn't it?"

"Toshi-san..." She giggled. It was silly, unbecoming, and daring, but it was also right, just like he said, and she hurried to put her new privilege to good use. "You aren't being truthful with me when you say that you don't know. Well, fancy that! How can you not know? You know what you want here and now and it's similar. Only it's not you who wants it, it's you who is expressing that want."

"It isn't about what I want..."

"It isn't? You're lying to me, Toshi-san."

"I _am_ the vice-commander of the Shinsengumi," he said, following a samurai with his eyes until he disappeared in the crowd, and his shoulders relaxed. The vice-commander was prepared to draw his sword any moment. "And all I want is to continue being who I am until it is my time to die. I don't care for status, I don't strive to become a daimyo... How would Toshizou, the rebel, fill in the shoes of a politician? I know our polity enough to understand where I fit and where I do not. I even try not to think about the current times too often although it's well nigh impossible. Rotten times..."

"Your words confuse me... What about them?" She waved her arm at passersby.

"What about them? If you run ahead, screaming and pointing a finger at me," he lowered his voice to a whisper, "'This is Hijikata Toshizou, the vice-commander of the Shinsengumi,' they will turn their heads to you and you will see hate. They fear me and hate me and my best friend Kondou. What's in it for me but hatred?"

"I am sure not all of them loathe you," she said hesitantly.

"I didn't ask, but I've heard enough. They call us the wolves of Mibu, hardly a flattering alias. And the current shogun doesn't have enough experience and strength of will." Akiha was perplexed not so much with his frankness, but with his responses – and there it seemed to her that she grasped the complexity of the struggle. "When I was eleven," he continued wistfully, "I planted a bamboo shoot behind my house and I said to myself that one day I will become a samurai. Every era gives birth to contemporary sentiments, but they are like rust on the sword. They will fade with time."

Greatness was achieved through sincerity. That was what he meant all along, but she was too preoccupied with her own troubles to hear him. And Shinonome, too, made the same mistake, that very same mistake of... Suddenly the world seemed so enormous, so frightening and Akiha fell into a flutter, "When I was seven, it was an exciting adventure to run around the house where that rich hatamoto lived. And then, when I grew up, I realized how short of a walk it was."

Something attracted Hijikata's attention and he grabbed her by the sleeve of her kimono and dragged her towards the street trader who was offering the passersby food. There he bought himself his favorite dish, pickled radish, and praised it excitedly. He complimented its pungent taste and smell so profusely that the trader was imbued with great sympathy and affinity for him, giving him a whole bucket for half a price.

In suchlike moments he looked absurdly boyish and Akiha could not gaze at him without a mixture of admiration and sullen resentment. Why would he afterwards go to the pleasure district where a woman would go down on all fours for him (or perhaps not even one) and waste his boyish innocence and she would have to forgive him again although he didn't ask her forgiveness or choose to forget about him although he was not aware of her affection? Perhaps all men loved their women on all fours, and she had to ask him to love her that way and stop tormenting herself pointlessly. She felt guilty thinking (not even imagining, just thinking) about it.

"Do you want anything?"

"Rice dumplings," she replied with an uncertain smile.

Hijikata bought her a whole plate of them and they rejoined the merry procession as it approached the shrine.

"I love rice dumplings," she admitted pensively. "They taste like childhood." And like years which she spent locked in her father's house, like stories she read and invented herself, like her cowardice and self-loathing. Like happiness. Her father did not let her attend a temple school; he bought her books and educated her in basic disciplines himself or invited a sensei to teach her music and poetry.

"I just like radishes," replied he, pointing at the bucket. "I can eat 'em all day. My relatives make the best radishes, however. Nothing quite compares to them."

"Perhaps they remind you of home..."

He glanced at her with that boyish bewilderment, "No, I just like the taste and the... crunch. Can't stand a soft, overripe fruit."

"That's a strange thing to say, Toshi-san. To-shie-san," she repeated to tease him a little.

"You abuse my magnanimity."

"I do. Maybe, I do, but today we jest and entertain each other. I'll show you a secret, but you have to promise me you won't tell anyone."

"Ha-ha-ha... What's so important about it?"

Akiha closed her eyes. "Ever since I was little, I could remember myself looking for things. Little things to which no one else paid heed." And she described to him a dozen people in the procession in front of her from left to right.

"That's impressive. Is there a secret to it?"

"There is a secret to everything, Toshi-san," she pointed to the woman dressed as a princess and to the flowery head adornment of the girl to her right. "You have to create a story, but it has to be senseless. A princess went to the garden to pluck hollyhock flowers is too ordinary a tale. You won't remember a thing. I used to make up different stories all the time..."

"So what story did you create for them?"

"Ah, Toshi-san, it is senseless."

"Tell me then."

"A cow was dressed like a princess and harnessed into a cart with wheels shaped as hollyhock flowers which were carved from gold by a monk... And there you have it, from left to right, a princess, a flower girl and a Buddhist monk in a golden robe... Now you try it."

"I am a terrible story teller."

"Toshi-san!"

...When they returned to the house, which hid among the trees, it was far into the night and she was tipsy. Akiha couldn't say she was tipsy from that little cup of sake she shared with Hijikata, but her head reeled and everything was swimming before her eyes. The old widow muttered something about licentious morals of the young generation, but let her in when she noticed the vice-commander behind her shoulder. She did not remember well what transpired afterwards. There was darkness in her room, pleasant, like silk, and cunning, like mist, which hides the stones from fisherman's eyes as he guides his frail boat through the storm. And she was disgusted with herself and shaking from fear, but she was tipsy and perhaps mad, too. And she removed the kimono from her shoulders and, turning her back to him, went down on all fours. She timidly asked him to show her how he would love her in any way he desired.

It seemed he would accept her submissiveness and satisfy her request when she felt his fingers on her skin, but he simply wrapped her kimono tightly around her shoulders. "What did you take into your head?" He said kindly, but in her ears it sounded like a mockery. And he added that she was naive to believe that he always behaved honorably towards women, but he did not intend to sleep with her for reasons which she could not hear so loudly the heartbeat echoed in her ears. And he was gone, his footsteps supple and light; creaking, the door slid shut and darkness swallowed him, the cunning darkness which guides a fisherman to his death. The dawn found her in the same pose, on all fours, in the middle of her room and to a curious onlooker she would appear a statue.

On that bleak and foggy morning Yamazaki found a traitor; his name was Echigo Saburo.******

* * *

*It's the beginning of 1866, in case I lost you in timeline

**_dakyu_ – popular among the Japanese aristocrats game similar to polo, played on horseback

***_roju_ – one of the highest positions in the Tokugawa shogunate, elder

****_bunraku_ – a traditional Japanese puppet theater

*****It was Sakamoto Ryoma. My character had no way of knowing it was him.

******Echigo Saburo was a real Choshu spy who infiltrated the ranks of the Shinsengumi.

**~o~o~o~**

_chickensparrow: thank you so much for your comment. ;) Yep I love including the little details. ^.^_


	13. Hidden by the leaves

_**XIII. Hidden by the leaves**_

"_It is the beginning of autumn of the second year of Keio era, but the heat is as oppressive as in early summer. It stifles life and from the window of the house where I live, Kyoto appears a lifeless valley of little houses and dry riverbeds of desolated streets where dust lies so thick that rare gusts of wind cannot scatter it. I see homeless dogs lying languid with heat, flaunting bald spots in their fur, wrecked with disease and parched with thirst. The old widow I live with feeds them, uttering a happy cackling noise when they dare come close to her, putting out their long pink tongues. 'My little children,' she calls out to them tenderly. They disgust me. I vaguely recall a shogun who in a fit of religious fervor decided to release edicts which aimed to protect the homeless dogs. I sometimes wish they died lest I be awoken by that odious stench again, stench of disease, decay, and poverty. Beggars under the Sanjo bridge also lie languid with heat, but no one comes to feed them and, forgive my seditious thought, it seems to me that a homeless dog is luckier than a homeless wretch in spite of all the noble qualities which separate us from other living things. For a beggar they become an onerous burden; he would rather unlearn to speak, unlearn to reflect and become a stray dog whom, out of kindness of her heart, a widow would not only feed but fondle tenderly. _

_But the heat... I was talking about the terrible heat, wasn't I? It stifles hope and I see my fears reflect on the faces of many Shinsengumi members. A few days ago terrible news finally reached Kyoto. Shogun Iemochi suddenly passed away in Osaka, peace negotiations are being held between the Choshu and the bakufu and I know they will find a suitable compromise, but the thought gnaws at me night and day (and at Kondou-san and Hijikata-san, too, although they will never admit it to me), one thought frightens me more than the sight of Choshu army standing at the Forbidden Gate of the Imperial Palace. I witnessed what Hijikata-san and Kondou-san did in shogun's name in Kyoto, in Osaka, in Otsu, I saw rivers of blood run in the streets for the man I have never seen to protect the mystery of the Tokugawa power, but in spite of that grandiose sacrifice, Iemochi died. When Yamazaki caught the traitor, he under torture revealed that loyalists from Zeze han have been plotting to assassinate the shogun as he would pass through their domain. Iemochi, by another stroke of luck, which he owed to the immense efforts of the Shinsengumi, narrowly escaped death only to be taken from us by forces which I cannot understand, which I cannot call fate. Where does the red thread lead? That tremendous sacrifice, was it worthless? It is so loathsome a thought." _Akiha put the small brush aside, wiped her perspiring neck and shook her numb wrist. It was worthlessness that frightened her the most. Outside her humble abode the sun was slowly setting and the outworn city, as shadows crept over it, breathed with relief, lighting up with many glowing lights to greet merciful coolness. In summer not even nights afforded relief. _"__After the hollyhock festival, I sent Hijikata-san a short letter and he accepted apology for my awful behavior calmly. Outwardly – and he said so himself – we play the same roles, pretending well that nothing had happened, I am still an observer and he is my benefactor, but I know and he knows and there is no deliverance from that knowledge. It hangs above our heads, an ugly incomplete confession, sneering and jeering at me from darkness, as though its only purpose is to torment me and tempt me further. But I changed that night , the last shackles of the former me had fallen. Every day I pray to the Light of the East to give me strength to accept that which is beyond my modest power to change. Every day I fall asleep with acute awareness of that acceptance. I know he has a mistress and the intuition which only we, women, possess, tells me that he is, if not happy, then content with her. There are times when I want to find her and strangle her, but these are foolish thoughts and I do not let them or the intense sense of despair take hold of me for long. Her fate will be no different than the fate of many lovers he had before her. He will leave her, of that I have little doubt. Shinonome once said that to be content with life, I would have to marry a man slightly prettier than an ape, but I dream neither of marriage, nor of an abundant life. It seems a petty, egoistical wish. There is sickness in my heart, but if I cannot find anything worth giving him... No, no, everything is in his hands now. If he ever finds me deserving of his affection, he knows where I live."_

She put down the brush again after she shook off the droplets of black ink and gazed with overwhelming disgust and contempt towards herself at the thin piece of rice paper lying on the table before her, like a crucified martyr which was depicted in history books in didactic tales about a foreign religion. Then she tore it to pieces, but dissatisfied with her inability to utterly erase her innermost thoughts from existence, found one of the matches which she received from Takasaki Sataro. The ink dried quickly and the paper easily caught fire, burning merrily until only ashes remained.

"_I have read my family's history again," _Akiha continued on a clean sheet which replaced the one she burnt. _"__I believe my father was able to save only me and our family's manuscript from the burning temple - at times, I fancy I can see my mother kneeling in front of Buddha, outstretching her arms in which she held me, crying, screaming – and the manuscript represents the past and I the future. He didn't want me to read it, but I always knew where he kept it just as I knew where he kept his money, just as I recognized Echigo Saburo's smile on that faraway evening when we fought furies. He wanted... no, I do not know what he wanted. My father... my enemy... Oni live longer than everyone else and the main branch of the Yukimura family had only four leaders in the span of two-hundred and fifty years of the Tokugawa rule. Takeo's son was the first and my father was to become the fifth, but the tragic events for which Kazama Chikage blames the shogunate prevented him from succeeding as my grandfather's heir. Or so I believe. Some scrolls are missing and if anyone from my relatives survived the massacre, I do not have the means to find them. My ancestors were jikatatori*; they held land, but were not bound by the duty of alternate attendance to send their families to Edo. Such considerable distance from the shogun's court enabled them to enjoy both wealth and freedom which many other hatamoto or daimyo did not have. However, they were true samurai and often indulged in speculation about their duty and death. Takeo's grandson, Toko, entertained a thought of meeting a worthy scholar with whom he would share his reflections, in his young years traveling from East to West of Great Nippon, until in the lands which belonged to the Nabeshima clan, he succeeded in finding him. The man he met, Yamamoto Tsunetomo, was formerly a samurai and a retainer, but after his lord's death, he was pardoned and even forbidden to commit seppuku, choosing to become a Buddhist monk as if to say that his worldly life had anyhow ended with his lord's passing. Toko, whose spirit was in deep confusion, engaged in a lengthy discourse with him, asking for the monk's wisdom. Tsunemoto responded that at times only perversity comes from long and profound considerations (oh, how wise and right his admonition is!). He told Toko what Hijikata-san told me long ago. Desire to live in itself is not cowardice. Samurai do not seek death, yet are mindful of it; by setting their heart right every day, they gain freedom in the Way, living as though their body had already died. Thus they face death unflinchingly; or those samurai whose spirit is strong. The weak-spirited..."_

Suddenly Akiha heard somebody hail her name from the dark hallway. She shook weightless gray flakes off her kimono and hurried to open the door. "Souji, Hajime, I haven't seen you in a while!" She couldn't hide her astonishment on seeing the Shinsengumi captains. "What a pleasant surprise the hot and unpleasant evening brought to me." Then she noticed another guest behind them, recognizing him at once even in dim illumination, and her face fell. "And Hijikata-san... of course... do come in, please! I am so very glad to see you."

She cleaned the table and hid the writing utensils, wishing with sudden poignancy that she could hide herself so and wondering at the same time for which peculiar and urgent reason the vice-commander and two captains paid her a visit on an otherwise ordinarily unpleasant evening which concluded a no less ordinary and unpleasant day. Hijikata alone would not come to attend to a trifling affair.

"I hope no trouble happened at the temple," she said, seating herself on the tatami.

"No, no trouble at the temple... Saito, I told you not to bring sake," Hijikata fixed his stern gaze on the disobedient captain and the latter silently and calmly placed the bottle in the farthest corner of the room. "We aren't drinking tonight. Laugh, entertain yourselves to your heart's content, but I need you sober and sharp."

"So there was trouble..."

"There is always trouble," attested Souji. Akiha noticed his pallor and slightly sunken cheeks, but his eyes sparked with feverish excitement which he could barely curb, impatiently drumming his fingers on the table top. "A few days ago Shinpachi startled an elderly monk and the poor old man almost died from weakness of heart, complaining afterwards to the dai-osho. Only a blind man would not notice the growing tension between the commander and the captain of the Second Unit. They argued again, Kondou raised his voice and then rumors spread he was going to expel Shinpachi."

"I am sure Akiha-chan does not care about idle gossip."

"It's the damned signboard," quietly said Hijikata, intently peering into the darkness behind the window where stretched the street which shared its name with the infamous large Sanjo bridge. "A board was placed by the Sanjo bridge, proclaiming Choshu to be enemies of the Imperial court, but it was repeatedly vandalized by the loyalists. Who else would bother? Some bigwig ordered Kondou to protect it... little things matter. If we can't protect something as small as a board, how can we protect Kyoto to say nothing of the whole country?"

"Hijikata-san is trying to say," continued Saito, "that we must protect the signboard, but we don't trust the rasetsu unit which we sent with Sanosuke and Kuwajiro. Even if Sano fights drunk and Kuwajiro doesn't show up at all, Sannan's furies should take care of that problem. However, if they in turn lose control from the sight and smell of blood, we will have to interfere and..." he sustained a meaningful pause.

"Oh," was all she could say.

"There were a few reasons why Kondou and I chose this house for you."

"Yeah, I recognize Toshi's practicality and lack of romantic sentiment. Instead of maple and sakura trees, the room affords a fine view of the Sanjo bridge, arguably the most detestable place in whole Kyoto. But the advantages of such proximity, on the contrary, can't be argued with."

Suddenly they were treading on thin ice. Akiha fancied the vice-commander was now gazing at her and the thought that he _knew_ (and she _knew_, too) sent a shiver down her spine; if Souji made another, however farfetched, remark about her arrangement with Hijikata in his presence, she would do something irrevocable and foolish again, she would scream or run out into the street, so she decided she would rather act upon this sudden paroxysm of cowardice than face disastrous consequences of her ineptitude to forget about that hapless night after the hollyhock festival. She quickly poured Okita tea and as she leaned forward to pass him the cup, she dropped it, spilling the fragrant drink onto his haori.

"You're still clumsy like a brat, " Souji muttered discontentedly, but between her apologies and attempts to dry the wet spot which stood out on the light-blue cloth, the subject of the awkward conversation was forgotten. She brought them freshly cooked talaki** from the cellar and heated up rice so that they would dull the edge of their appetites although the old widow would grumble a little in the morning; grumble and fall silent quickly. She still prided herself on becoming the wife of an ashigaru and, being terribly garrulous in a good mood, loved telling Akiha about her wedding in Kyoto many years ago which was attended by a roju in one version of the story, by the Emperor in the other and sometimes by the shogun himself.

"This fish tastes like tuna," said Saito approvingly, "but I know it isn't tuna. No matter, it is prepared very well."

"I would say... katsuo," mused Hijikata, adroitly picking up a piece with two thin wooden sticks. His face was bright with the light thrown on it by a small lamp. "When it's prepared fresh, it is delicious and soft, but Kondou loved it boiled, smoked, and dried, when it resembled a piece of hard wood."

"Or a petrified banana," eagerly added Souji.

"Kondou could run on endlessly about fish. When he was younger, he'd come to teach at my cousin's dojo – that's how I got to know him – and we'd go on reckless adventures together. We even tasted fugu once, that fish which the shogunate forbade to consume for being poisonous and possibly deadly. I used to joke that Kondou's soul was in his fishing rod***. In response he began calling me Toshi, teasing me that by training with him I escaped being coddled by my relatives and women. It was good-natured teasing." The vice-commander blew a flyaway strand of hair off his forehead. "As if I ever seriously considered that damnable position in my brother's store. Where would that get me? I never had the temperament to be a merchant."

Okita grinned from ear to ear, eyes sparkling even brighter, with almost maddened merriment. "I liked Toshi more when he was my assistant. You've gotta believe me, Akiha-chan, there was such a time when I taught students and he assisted me."

"One day, I am telling you, you will talk yourself into a duel," Hijikata remarked nonchalantly.

"I don't want to hear about duels," Akiha glanced at Okita, then at Hijikata and both of them began laughing at her confused expression. "It's not a trifle to laugh about!"

"You'll never learn to recognize Souji's humor," Saito said with a smile. "Besides, duels among the Shinsengumi members are punishable by seppuku. You'll never have to worry about seeing us fight unless we train together. Three or four days ago I sparred with Hijikata-san, he didn't go easy on me and we both left deeply satisfied with each other."

"I forgot... I must have forgotten."

"How's Katamori treating you?"

"Oh, Souji, don't remind me of him. I lost respect for him when... it was in June, I think, when he received a letter from Katsu Kaishu with admonition for his reactionary political stance. Something in that letter must have greatly agitated him, for he called for me and other... women he usually spends his time with. And, only fancy, he gets tipsy and he says to me, 'You're my favorite person in Kyoto.' Then he sobers up and gets angry, very angry... he tells me to get out of his house. And I say nothing to all of it, I swear. I am always polite with him. He says he doesn't want to see me for a week. I know how much he had done for the Shinsengumi, but sometimes I think..." Akiha dropped her head and whispered. "Maybe he is mad. We are all mad in this heat."

"Forget about it, I am certain he was under a lot of pressure. "

"The Satsuma... I know. He mentioned to someone later he never intended to attack Satsuma and Kaishu just assumed..."

The vice-commander rose, approached the window and looked out, harkening to the sounds in the distance; then he returned to the table and drunk a small cup of tea in one gulp. "I don't hear anything unusual, which may mean that they, hopefully, arrested the culprits."

''I can sit here all night, if need be," Souji stretched his limbs. "I love her tea and the old woman's fish and the company is pleasant. Of course, if Akiha-chan doesn't find our presence obnoxious."

"You know you can go to sleep, we won't disturb you."

"No, Hijikata-san, I am not tired. Afterwards."

"Soon we will have to extinguish the light so as not to arouse suspicion. Go and rest."

"I can't, I won't sleep," she confessed. "I'll close my eyes, but I'll wait and listen, listen endlessly... and every moment I'll expect to hear a fury's howl."

Hijikata but smiled faintly and motioned for Saito to blow out the lamp. The room plunged into darkness. She was afraid to move so as not to knock the teacups off the table or stumble into any of her nightly guests although in faint moonlight she could see their silhouettes. They reminded her of conspirators who gathered under the cover of night and she giggled into her palm.

"Now we wait," quietly said Saito.

And so they waited. Akiha would drift into uneasy slumber, thinking hours had passed, only to rouse herself and find out that those were mere minutes. She would see scraps of dreams, then open her eyes and descry the same silhouettes vigilantly sitting around the table. But their misgivings, although becoming of a samurai, proved to be unfounded. The messenger delivered the good news and they decided to spend the rest of the disturbed night at the old widow's house.

Early in the morning, as they were preparing to leave, Hijikata took her aside and said, "In about a week, Kondou and I will invite Itou to your house for a conversation. Be at home and prepare to receive him properly. Someone will deliver you the money tomorrow."

"Is something the matter... Toshi-san?" She raised her innocent eyes to glance at the vice-commander, who even in a drowsy state managed to dress immaculately, and there was no feeling inside her, for a moment she didn't love him at all. The thought that she ever loved him seemed absurd.

"You'll understand everything yourself. I cannot allow you to be in the same room with us, but I won't be disappointed or angry if I somehow find out that you overheard our conversation."

Thus she received a silent blessing to observe their meeting in secret; moreover, the vice-commander wanted her to observe it, judging by the severity of his commanding gaze. But before she even began thinking about making suitable preparations to receive them, an unexpected event occurred, threatening to thwart her designs.

Akiha met her father.

By then she had utterly abandoned any efforts to search for him intentionally, meticulously and resorted to waiting, hoping that perhaps one day a vague rumor would reach her ears, but that day never came. Instead, her father showed up on her porch, as if nothing happened, walked into her room without her permission and greeted her as if they hadn't parted more than three years ago.

Akiha was overcome with contradictory feelings, but outwardly displayed only joy. "Father! I am so happy to see you at last!" She exclaimed, clenching her fists in deep agitation. "Where have you been? I was worried. I am glad to see you alive and in good health, but I was awfully worried... I sent you letters, but you didn't reply and then... oh, you have gone utterly bald!"

"Ha-ha-ha, now I recognize my girl. You grew up so much I couldn't believe my eyes."

Yukimura Kodo was a stout man of small stature with piercing eyes and wrinkles in the corners of his lips which imparted to his face a cruel expression; but when he laughed, those wrinkles smoothed out and he would suddenly look younger and rather prepossessing. He never had thick hair and a bald spot appeared rather early in his youth, but now his head was utterly smooth, like a head of a newborn. Akiha felt awkward in the presence of a man who suddenly seemed foreign; so much had happened after they parted, so much had changed in her life and now she had to make sense of it somehow, to welcome him back and she couldn't. She did not imagine their reunion to be like this at all.

Her father sighed. "I know you have many questions, but believe me when I say I had to leave and you couldn't know why. I tried to take care of my errands as quickly as possible, but with this political mess... suffice it to say, when I did, I came back for you at once and imagine my surprise when I couldn't find you at Hirama's house. Then he tells me you died and for a while that's what I thought. I am very disappointed in you. How could you leave gods only know whereto without writing him a short note? And didn't I tell you not to leave?!"

"Father, you don't understand..."

"But imagine my disappointment when I realized that you got mixed up in this mess! It is my failure as a parent to not have taught you proper manners. At least you live in your own house, but a mistress? My daughter, a mistress! I nearly had a heart attack when I heard it. And who is your benefactor? A thug, a barbarian, a farmer who calls himself a samurai and serves the shogun although only dimwitted serve him these days."

He recited all her faults without raising his voice even a tad and it used to have a profound effect on her, inspiring her with such fear that she would sit, motionlessly, and agree with everything he said, but little did her father know how much she changed.

Akiha flashed a daring smile at him, "Father, listen... I know everything."

"What do you know? You know nothing," he waved his arm, fixing his eyes on her. "We are lucky that he is still willing to welcome you back, notwithstanding your many terrible mistakes. If I were you, I'd beg for his forgiveness..."

"Listen to me, I _know_. I know that both of my parents died in a slaughter, I know I am an oni and the last daughter of the Yukimura clan."

His expression changed, but it wasn't surprise or astonishment which was reflected on his face, it was anger. "You know how important you are and you still... Tell me, are you pregnant?"

"Father, I-I..."

"Are you or are you not?"

"No! I am not with child and..." Akiha buried her face in both palms. She was losing and she couldn't lose. "You lied to me so many times. You confused me and then I find out my mother's name was Yukimura Mari and my father, my true father, was a brother of yours... and I have accursed blood in my veins. And you designed a potion for the shogunate which turns people into furies and takes their sanity. What was I supposed to think?"

"You weren't supposed to think. And now... my girl, why did you make my task so much harder than it should have been?"

"Forgive me, father. I know you want what's best for me, I believe you... I will forgive your faults, but you must forgive mine." She smiled again. "And then we can build our life together again..."

Father glanced askance at her, pursing his lips, "I labored hard for the future of our clan. You are an adult now, you understand that our clan doesn't have much of a future and to preserve it, I am willing to make sacrifices. Terrible sacrifices!" He paused as if to dismiss a haunting thought. "It is your future, too. Understand me aright, my girl..."

Her heart was beating vehemently in her chest and she clasped her hands to her chest to calm it down somehow. "I understand... I have powerful friends in the shogunate, they told me everything... What am I to do?"

"Understand me aright, my girl..." His voice quavered. "I loved your mother! I loved her madly... She was an admirable woman of peerless beauty and strong resolve. But she was promised to my brother who was a worthless drunk and... a pitiful excuse of a warrior. I was a doctor, but he was a samurai! My fate was decided. Understand me aright, I never meant for her to die, but when I found her, she was breathless... she ran into a burning temple, seeking salvation in Buddha's arms. I saved you, but I couldn't save her. Grief-stricken, I left and swore to never let you fall into the hands of a man responsible for her death, the very man whose actions I silently condoned at first, the very man I... I now want you to marry."

"What are you saying, father? You want me to marry that man, the murderer of my parents? The murderer of my clan?"

"You promised you would understand, you would let me do what is best for you... for us... I made a mistake once of desiring what was not meant for me. Kazama Chikage approached me and offered me a deal, that is true, a very good deal, my girl. My brother was a thorn in everyone's side. He didn't approve of your betrothal and was in turn married to the only woman I loved. He tormented her. Surely, she did not want to be with him of her own volition... Nobody asked her, yet I understood how much she suffered... She was so very stubborn, your mother. Mari... I thought I could restore our clan from ashes with her, but she was dead and I was devastated and so I ran, like a coward. I thought if I worked for the shogun, I could slowly rebuild our clan, but it was a fool's dream."

"You are with the Choshu now and with Satsuma... with Kazama Chikage... he lied to me, you know. He said the shogunate ordered to slaughter my family."

"Satsuma did. Why do you think he serves them? He repays a favor they did for him all those years ago. He couldn't give up a thought of taking you as his wife because he sacrificed too much for you already... He sacrificed his freedom. I am sure he paid someone in the shogunate to look the other way, but you already know..."

Her hands shook when she groped for a teacup, but she gazed at him unflinchingly, sadly, "I honestly didn't know, father... I lied to you. And I do not feel ashamed for having lied to you, for having betrayed your expectations. Will you disown me? I will shed my name gladly, accursed name! And now you told me the truth I sought... the truth you knew all along. You want me to marry Kazama Chikage so as not to let my clan's glory fade... I understand, I do. But I did not ask for this onerous duty. For most of my life, I didn't even know Yukimura family were hatamoto, I didn't know I was an oni... You want me to sacrifice everything for a cause which I oppose with my very soul. By serving the shogun, I will honor my clan. By serving the Shinsengumi with my modest abilities, I will remember my ancestors, not by marrying a man who killed them!" She could not contain her indignation, hurling the small teacup into the wall, and tears welled in her eyes. "What do you even say, father?"

"I didn't suppose you would understand that the future of the shogun is grim and Satsuma..."

"You're entrepreneurs, all of you! Do you wish to know the truth, father?" Her face was distorted by a grimace, giving her a striking resemblance to a fury. "Forget politics, forget personal gain, forget it! Forget the whole world, there is only you and me... Do you wish to know what happened when you were so preoccupied with seeking a bright future for me? I lay on the floor, contemplating to slit my own throat, because I could not bear to live any longer. What would your designs be worth if I did take my own life that day? But you, men, always need to think of something grandiose... I would gladly die a seamstress or play shamisen in a bunraku theater! I decided to live, I found a reason, but it wasn't your reason anymore... Forgive me..." Her shoulders shook and tears streamed down her cheeks incessantly. "I forgive you, I forgive you! But leave me to live my own life, however miserable it is!"

She thought her passionate words would sway him, yet he didn't move; he didn't move, but he didn't have power over her, he couldn't threaten to throw her out of the house or punish her by threatening to leave her without money and therefore she ran out into the street and ran as fast as she could in any direction her legs would carry her. She stopped by one of the shrines where she cried her heart out and offered a prayer to the Light of the East, returning to the house at midnight and finding it empty, mockingly empty. The widow was asleep and her father left, but somehow she felt he didn't accept her rebellious disrespectful response. In hindsight, Akiha thought she was rude, but after she spoke with her father so frankly, she felt relief and hope that someday they would forgive each other. Someday. At least, her family's fate was no longer a mystery to her and she knew the face and name of her enemy among many faceless Choshu and Satsuma.

Akiha, amidst the tumult of her life, almost forgot about Hijikata's request, but a golden ryo lying atop the writing box reminded her in time to buy sake and food. When the guests arrived, she met them cordially, exchanging a few meaningless remarks with them, but as soon as she set the able and left the room, the mood changed. She found a place in the hallway where she could hear words spoken in that room and those words were not amicable or gentle, they reflected months of considerations and suppressed enmity.

"...I wish to secede from the Shinsengumi," Itou was speaking. "I no longer see us walking in the same direction, but I don't wish to give you an impression that I want to desert. Such savagery. We are civilized people, we can communicate our intentions..."

"And how do you propose we do that?" Replied Kondou. "When you joined us, you knew what your decision was fraught with. We don't make exceptions for anyone, the rules are harsh but fair..."

"Isami-san, I never felt anything less than a deep respect for you and the vice-commander, I am certain in the wake of the changing tides we can discuss our options. For example, I never understood your staunch opposition to Imperial Loyalism and the idea of the restoration of the Imperial power. It is so sensible! Only the Emperor has the strength to perform the needed reforms in our stagnant economics... how does the shogun propose to deal with the crisis? We propose to build a wealthy country by taxing the foreigners. Our nation cries for social restructure so that anyone would be able to fight, not just the privileged samurai class. We only strive to return the glorious time of Emperor Kammu and his sons."

"The Emperor hasn't ruled Japan for centuries. The Emperor's court consists of inexperienced nobles who know less of the outside world than a peasant's son from Tama. It will be a game of who will get to influence the Emperor and I bet my right arm on Choshu or Satsuma daimyo. The corruption you often speak of will thrive... You sound like Honda Toshiaki who was obsessed with unachievable ideas of Japanese colonial expansion."

Those were Hijikata's words and Kondou added at once, "We won't discuss failures and successes of the shogun whose authority we never put to question. The samurai don't discuss shortcomings of their lord. How would the order be maintained in the country if we were to judge what he did right and rebel against everything he did wrong? Those are empty words... The shogun has advisers, we are his sword and armor."

"Only listen to yourself!" Cried out Itou. "I detest foreign presence, their humiliating actions toward us, but where is the end to that? The shogun orders us one thing and then whispers another behind our back. How do you expect to have order in a collapsing feudal society ruled by warriors who had indulged themselves in chronic material prosperity?"

"During the Tokugawa rule, they heavily relied on the samurai as law givers, rulers, defenders and even educators. The samurai will control the population rigorously."

"But, Kondou-san, in times of peace... the weakened spirit is... What remains of it today?"

"It is a great time for that spirit to awaken!" Exclaimed the vice-commander rather passionately. "Many changes happened to Japan in times of peace and it is our duty to rediscover ourselves in each era. Confucian ideal of a complete man, both a warrior and a scholar, is one result of such rediscovery. We never abandoned the samurai values..."

"You speak well, Hijikata-san, only it will take more than eloquent words to curb the dissatisfaction among Choshu and Satsuma who openly demand the abolition of the bakufu government. Only the Emperor has the authority..."

"We'll see about that," angrily hissed Kondou.

"I see your views won't change, but allow me at least to explain my intentions to you before you assume something terrible. I was going to leave the Shinsengumi and get closer to Satsuma and Choshu to glean secret knowledge from them. However, for them to believe me we should officially go our separate ways."

"If it is to glean information, you can get close to Satsuma and Choshu, but you will do it as a member of the Shinsengumi or send someone else in your stead who they might not know..."

Akiha listened to the quarrel for a while, then rose and soundlessly opened the door into the street, raising her face to the rays of the setting sun. It was so calm and quiet outside. There Hijikata soon joined her.

"You heard Itou, didn't you?" He inquired quietly. "Don't think I believe a single word he said about seceding from the Shinsengumi for the sake of spying on Satsuma for us. He is even more cunning than Sannan-san, but at least that sly fox abandoned his Imperialistic sentiments..."

Her father would agree with Itou now. Didn't he come to impart to her the same message the staff officer tried to bring to the commanders' attention?

"Do you wish I observe him?"

"Observe him attentively and don't get caught. He is careful and he knows your appearance well."

Akiha giggled, "Or he thinks he knows. You don't have to concern yourself with me."

He glanced at her sharply, shook his head and turned aside, intending to leave. "Toshi-san..." He halted with a slight stoop to his shoulders. "Toshi-san, I-I... I need to warn you about our arrangement. Kazama Chikage..."

"That Kazama guy again... if he bothers you, I'll deal with him shortly."

"You don't understand..."

"Do you know me so little? Would I abandon a beneficial arrangement because I am afraid of a samurai from the loyalist party?"

"Toshi-san, I am worried... about you..."

Then she saw his face lit up with a pert smile and she faltered, breathless, forgetting about her father and Kazama and all troublesome matters in the world. "Foolish, foolish girl," he said gently and resumed walking.

* * *

*_jikatatori – _type of hatamoto which did not live with the shogun in Edo

**_talaki_ – charred sashimi

***a word play on Tokugawa Ieyasu's words that the sword was the soul of a samurai


	14. Fate of the old widow's house

_**XIV. Fate of the old widow's house**_

Akiha finished dressing herself in a new outerwear she recently bought from a rather renowned tailor to replace the lilac kimono which she cut into scraps after it frayed so much that she could no longer wear it to Katamori's residence. She couldn't force herself to throw it away, as she watched its rich colors fade, and out of strange sense of pity for a useless object, not even a person, she finally cut it, intending to patch up holes in her clothes with the shreds. After she chanted sutras with Shinonome and the geisha left, Akiha received an invitation to Miyuki's house, however, she would refuse to attend Kondou's mistress if at the end Hijikata didn't insist that she came, 'without delay or fail'.

The conversation she had with Shinonome was odd. The geisha wanted to convert her to Buddhism and suddenly asked whether she believed the cosmos to be infinite. 'We do not even know the shapes of all continents in our world,' replied Akiha. 'It's neither infinite, nor finite, for such answer would not bring me any consolation. It's not any different than the search of an ideal Mount Yoshino in China where the most beautiful cherry blossoms grow.' Her answer offended Shinonome, but Akiha was preoccupied with cheerless thoughts and they parted soon afterwards. It seemed to her that she couldn't receive good news any longer and, like a silent thief, ill fortune waylaid them on every corner, on every turn of the winding road. A few months after the shogun's death, Emperor Komei passed away and rumors were afloat that he was poisoned by the radical Choshu, of which Kondou seemed convinced. Uncertainty became unbearable. Emperor Komei who in his last months became quite close to the young shogun was their last staunch ally in the Imperial court and now his body found eternal rest at Sennyu-ji temple. Akiha could not even enjoy a thought of meeting Matsudaira Yasutada, a dashing young man and a distant relative of the Aizu daimyo, who reminded her, by description only, of Date Munenari when he played dakyu with his lord. Yasutada led the Mimawarigumi, a group of hatamoto who not unlike the Shinsengumi served to maintain order in the rich districts of Kyoto. He tried to gain her favor, but she, by coldness and aloofness of her attitude, discouraged him although she hardly understood her own behavior. Yasutada knew Kondou Isami and Hijikata Toshizou not only by hearsay and when she explicitly mentioned the vice-commander's name, the face of her new admirer fell and he awkwardly apologized, leaving her in the palanquin which took her home in solitude.

So thought Akiha, traveling in a small norimono along a wide street, dusted with snow. It was carried by two men and had a small guarded window to her right through which she saw carts slowly crawling along the road and passersby who, carrying heavy baskets, plodded on their way from one shop to another. Many of them were poorly dressed and breathed on their hands to warm themselves a bit. She fancied she heard quarreling, but no sooner had she glanced out of the window than the palanquin made a turn, halting in a narrow alley in front of Miyuki's home.

It was a small two-storeyed house built of dark wood with a large roof which almost utterly covered its narrow windows. It had a long porch and only one lantern hung above the entrance door, creaking in the sharp gusts of cold wind. Behind the fence, which was splashed with flowers in summer, stood empty clay pots filled with slush and droplets of thawed snow fell there forlornly.

Miyuki, dressed in a silken white robe, met her on the threshold. She was a very petite, pretty woman with enormous black eyes which always looked inviting. Perhaps this particular feature attracted Kondou at first when he saw a defenseless woman in a shop and rescued her from Choshu ronin. She was also rather simple-minded, illiterate, the kind of girl who would look at Moronobu's suggestive paintings and, 'go dizzy with desire' as Saikaku wrote in one of his stories, and she needed but her hero's and benefactor's attention to remain cheerful. Whenever he spent time with other women, her mood would change, she would send for him or cry, but their relationship wasn't Akiha's concern. Miyuki only knew her as the vice-commander's lover and therefore sometimes called her sister, but she did not find her connection to Kondou's mistress sisterly.

"Good afternoon, sister," Miyuki readily welcomed her inside. "They are in the drawing room, talking about something very serious, they have locked themselves there after they arrived... Kondou-san's such a charmer, he brought me a new present. Does Hijikata-san buy you presents?"

Miyuki has been constantly asking her this question and she always had to recall what lie she told her the first time.

"No, he is greedy with material gifts, but generous with his attention." Akiha halted by the closed doors to the drawing room, and in the bright light of the afternoon sun, she distinguished two silhouettes.

"I wouldn't disturb them if I were you," Miyuki giggled, covering her mouth with a palm. "But I will tell you, your lover's greed isn't as shameful as if he were weak... you know, in bed. Kondou, he is insatiable," she continued proudly, "and it's always a sign that he loves you. I've heard one of those chancellors or chamberlains in the Imperial court, I forgot his name... one of them got himself a mistress from Edo, but soon became unable to perform well..." she giggled again. "You understand me, don't you? And so his servants blamed it all on the poor girl who had worn out their lord with exotic love-making and sent her back to Edo... poor, poor girl. But she was lucky, she didn't have to attend to the needs of an incapable man. May I be so curious... how is Hijikata-san in bed?"

The question caught her unawares, but Akiha kept her head, even managed to smile. It was an empty smile. "Breathtaking," she replied, opening the door to the drawing room so as to escape Miyuki's company.

"Kondou-san, Hijikata-san," she bowed to both commanders, avoiding their gazes, their curiosity. "I hope I am not interrupting anything."

"We were discussing the possibility of invasion of Korea and negotiations with Russia, so be quick. What do you have to say?" Said Kondou with a frown, having earned a reproachful glance from the vice-commander.

"You aren't interrupting anything. Come in, have a cup of sake with us," Hijikata motioned to the table.

"Thank you, Hijikata-san. I do have a few tales to relate to you. If I didn't, I'd probably send you a message."

"Miyuki can't be that much trouble, can she?"

"Oh, no, not much trouble at all. But she loves asking questions to which I am afraid to give answers. At times, it seems to me I have been entangled in a lie and I forget how I answered last time and the time before that. Forgive me..."

The vice-commander was in good spirits, she could easily tell his mood now. "I don't care about your relationship with Miyuki as long as you at least try to get on with her. What truly concerns me is how you observed Itou."

"I dressed as a young page – and I didn't even feel like myself," Akiha was amused with the thought and spoke with more excitement than usually. "I even put a loincloth on and a robe and a straw hat to hide my hair. I followed Itou from Nishi Hoganji temple to Satsuma mansion in Fushimi which he frequented about three times a week last month. He became a welcome guest of Saigo Takamori and if you must know, I don't believe his words either. I suspect he spies on us for Satsuma."

"That's unfortunate, very unfortunate, and I wish to think he at least has the decency not to betray us, but I have to live with the truth, don't I?"

"Kondou-san, I am not privy to the subject of his secret conversations. Also I was approached by a shady character who claimed to be connected with Aizu-Kotetsu-kai* and I wasn't sure what to think until he assured me that you know who they are."

"We've run into them a few times in red-lights district," reluctantly admitted Hijikata. "It's about balance and mutual respect. They've owned the majority of brothels in Shimbara and at first our interference created frictions, but we found the common ground once Kondou and I understood that they wouldn't meddle in our affairs unless they were paid well. Stay away from them. Young girls shouldn't be dealing with that sort of folk."

Akiha extended him a piece of paper which was folded in half. "I've already made a deal with him because he was demanding a reasonable price for the location of one of the hitokiri**, Kirino Toshiaki. Here is the address, I thought you would be... curious about his present hideout and activities."

"I hope you didn't pay too much," said Kondou.

"How did they know where to find you?"

"Rumors spread, Hijikata-san. People revel in exchanging rumors..."

"In future, stay away from them, they aren't your concern. Only a samurai should deal with underground information brokers." Akiha fancied she heard uneasiness in his voice and fell into a flutter, squirming restlessly on the tatami. "Have you heard anything from the Imperial court?" He continued nonchalantly, but the thought which occurred to her only deepened her gloom. "We think the dead Emperor will be succeeded by young Meiji, a rather unfortunate turn of events..."

"Toshi!"

Akiha could tell them about her father's treason, she could have told them many times, but she kept it a secret, hoping that one day she would find strength to forgive him. She could not bear responsibility for her father's death, she refused to find a solution, like a spectator in a kabuki theater watching, stupefied and mindless, how the play would unfold before her eyes. She could no longer influence its flow anyhow; she could not find the strength.

"It's all right, Kondou-san, I understand his worry. The new Emperor has barely turned fifteen, he won't rule the country, the numerous daimyo and politicians will in his stead."

"That's exactly what Itou wants. Continue watching him since we don't know his intentions yet. What is he trying to achieve? We forbade him to secede, he knows if he deserts, he will have to commit seppuku."

She rose and bowed to them again, smoothing out the wrinkles on her komono to hide her embarrassment. She wanted to leave. "May I go?"

"Don't hurry, spend an hour or two with Miyuki, she feels lonely sometimes," suggested Kondou, but she merely shook her head and left hastily, cowardly, absconding from her responsibilities and foremost from herself.

What Itou Kashitaro wanted became clear in March when he left with twelve other members of the Shinsengumi among whom were Heisuke and Saito. During his frequent visits to the Satsuma mansion in Fushimi village, he managed to obtain the necessary documents from the new Emperor which permitted him not only to secede from the Shinsengumi, but to join the Guardians of the Imperial Tomb for the deceased Emperor Komei. His final argument before he left was that he knew both commanders instructed her to watch him and he found their mistrust, 'offensive and obscene'. Akiha acknowledged her own fault for not realizing in time that doubts had utterly consumed the youngest captain and he was certain but of his decision to leave in the only way he could if he wanted to stay alive. He didn't truly recover after Sannan drank the Water of Life. He didn't truly recover after the shogun's death either. But she could not fathom why Saito would secede with Itou; they spent the New Year together, carousing for four days, but Kondou forgave him. When was Saito's discontent born?

Akiha dressed like a simple town girl and walked to the Imperial Tomb to confront the former captain of the Third Unit about his decision. She waited for him by a shop of a merchant who sold cloth and carpets and he didn't recognize her until she revealed herself.

"Akiha-chan, you shouldn't be meeting with me, you know the rules. The vice-commander won't be pleased if he finds out..."

"The vice-commander... How could you leave him? How could you betray us for an Imperialist pig?" She hoped that giving Itou an offensive name would evoke a feeling in him, at least briefly, but he continued staring at her with dispassionately blue eyes. "I've known you for four years and you've never displayed interest in joining shishi. When have you become so misguided?"

"You won't be helping yourself or me by screaming loudly and attracting too much attention," he remarked when her indignation was spent. "I don't have to answer your questions because I don't have an answer."

"So says a man who once admired our vice-commander deeply and even urged me to see what I refused to see. I don't believe you, Hajime-kun. You have been deceived by Itou, you must have been! It isn't too late to return, I am sure you will be forgiven..."

"If I return, I will never be forgiven," he said solemnly. "Do swords choose when and whom they strike, Akiha-chan?"

"Do sensible men forswear their rationality and overnight become naïve? Do you remember how many times you told me that Toshi-san was a man of great caliber? And then you told me about precision of mathematics and battojutsu... Do you remember? And then you'd say that you never beat him in shogi and he has a versatile mind... What can Itou do that Toshi-san can't?"

He smiled contently. "Toshi-san... you must have done something right to call him that."

"I-I didn't..."

"Fool yourself however you wish. There are things in this world which will never change and, having said so, I must return to my duties. Itou is probably wondering where I went. We can't stay here for much longer..."

"Saito!" She desperately clutched at his hand.

"Akiha-chan, calm down," he warily unclenched her fingers. "Time will come and you will understand, but not today."

"Then take my family's sword as a reminder that even if you forget these words, I won't!" When she left the house, she hid her kodachi in a small basket and before he could even so much as object with words, she procured it, shoved it into his arms and ran away. It was unbearable to think that her small world had once again tumbled into ruins, that she would come to Miyuki's house next time and someone would be waiting there for her with a merciless order to observe Saito. It would be a death sentence. And the more cheerless her thoughts became, the faster she ran through the crowded streets, past the palanquins and hagglers and rare horsemen...

...It was late afternoon when she returned home. She was not expecting anyone, yet there was a man, leaning against the wall of the widow's house, and in his pose there was something odd, his movements were jerky, as if he was tipsy or overcome by fever. Behind her stretched the quiet and desolated Sanjo road, bathed in faint sunlight, and windows of the houses nearby were shut. Akiha bravely approached, recognizing in her unexpected guest Nitto, one of the samurai who was gravely injured in the Ikedaya inn incident, but if her memory didn't fail her, he chose to drink Water of Life instead of resigning to his fate. In a narrow streak of light, his face, lined with sweat, appeared deathly pale, droplets beaded his brow and upper lip, but his shoulders were quivering as though he suffered from cold. His hair of an odd dirty-white hue and glittering eyes only worsened the impression that Nitto had contracted a terrible sickness.

"Help me..." he wheezed, making a helpless gesture to detach himself from the wall, but he had no strength and leaned his shoulder heavily against it.

"Help you... How?"

Akiha timidly touched his cold hand, but he took no notice of it. "It drives me mad... the bloodlust... help me, please..."

"What do you want?"

"Your blood... give me your blood..." Nitto's teeth chattered as he finally noticed her hand and gripped it so firmly that her fingers grew numb.

"My... blood..." she whispered, reaching for his wakizashi. Her father created the furies and then defected to the enemy, leaving them to their frightening fate, and it was her responsibility to help them somehow. "Of course, you can have my blood." She fearlessly made a small cut across her wrist and Nitto's face contorted with pain and obsessive greed, he jerked himself upright, pressing his lips avidly to the wound with almost frenetic awe a monk would feel upon beholding one of Buddhas. At first, she shivered with disgust, lips on her skin like silk and sludge, but soon there remained only feeling of warmth as blood oozed from her wrist freely. She giggled, it seemed ludicrous to her that someone could crave her blood so insatiably, and the faint sound distracted the young man (or fury), he looked at her with touching curiosity, but his shoulders weren't shaking and natural colors returned to his hair, to his cheeks and eyes.

"I-I am sorry,"he murmured, ashamed of himself, and Akiha shook her head, wanting to say that he shouldn't apologize for what her father did to him, but those words were stuck in her throat when in placid quiescence aglow with the light of the setting sun, a bright strip of tempered steel pierced Nitto's heart and he, with that touching curiosity and shame his gaze, sagged to his knees, twining his fingers around the blade which killed him. And then his body shuddered and crumpled around her in weightless flakes of gray ash. Akiha raised her eyes at Hijikata, who stood with an unforgettable expression etched on his face, fighting rage and astonishment, and he also seemed aglow from the sun which was behind him. In eerie silence, pointing his katana at her, he truly frightened her.

"Why did you kill him?" She pleaded. "Why all this needless killing? He was not going to harm me, he would leave, his thirst appeased and..."

Her words must have fueled his anger, for he no longer appeared amazed. "The Way must be trod firmly. He lost himself, he succumbed to bloodlust and from that moment on, he was no longer a samurai..." Without glancing at her, the vice-commander entered the house and she had no choice but to follow him into the cool semi-darkness dotted with glowing dust specks. Walls in the hallway were hung with small tea-whisks from smoked and dried bamboo which the widow collected over the years she spent in solitude, feeding homeless dogs and reliving her wedding with such intensity that in her mind she could no longer tell the difference between a memory and a fancy.

"Why have you come today?" She hailed the vice-commander. "I don't understand why he turned into dust, if you must know. But why are you here? I wasn't expecting you..." She did not want to see him after she had defended him fervently in a conversation with Saito only to be confronted with those of his traits which always frightened her.

"Bring me tea," he asked curtly and Akiha was compelled to obey. In spring and summer she used a small iron brazier; she put the sumi onto the bedding of ash, lit it and placed a brown kettle atop, waiting until the water in it would boil. Then she scooped the powder from the tea caddy into the warm bowl and poured hot water inside, mixing it with fresh cold water from the well. The simplicity of the ritual, which sharply contrasted the complexity of the same ritual in times when she was serving tea to important guests, helped her battle her own frustration and anger. When she slid open the door to her room and served the vice-commander fragrant green tea with sweets, she showed no signs of being distraught. But Hijikata's obstinate silence and morose gazes he cast at her occasionally reawakened her frustration.

"You don't want to tell me..." She said quietly, loosening her long hair. "Be stubborn if you so wish, keep silence, ignore me, send me away to bring you more tea... but I know you well. Are you worried about Itou or Saito and Heisuke? Or is it everything, the Emperor's death, Souji's sickness and... everything..."

"Kondou went to see his mistress today; he dressed in silk and I told him that we should discuss how to undo or lessen the damage of Itou's decision to secede, but he..." The vice-commander's voice trembled with ire. "He should have listened to me. He left for Miyuki's house and I couldn't bear spending another moment at the temple..."

"Why didn't you go to see your mistress?"

"Her company isn't going to distract me," objected he. "Ah, Kondou, Kondou... Why would he dress himself in silk and go to his mistress's house?"

She had never seen him so genuinely and deeply distressed with his best friend's behavior. Even the sight of Nitto turning into dust (why would furies turn into dust?) could not disturb her enough. It was always a mystery to Akiha how she allowed him to have so much power over her. Such simple yet inexplicable power...

"At times, when I think of you and Kondou-san, I think of two schools of shamisen music, Ikuta and Yamada. I belong to the latter and we have our ways of sitting and playing the instrument, but in truth that difference is superficial... Kondou-san, like you, was seeking distraction."

"I sought distraction because he left me with no choice. Saito defected, Souji is sick, Sannan distanced himself..." The vice-commander compressed his lips and looked at her wearily. "Help me solve a mystery about you. You are a fine woman... you have a memorable voice, you can recite Matsuo Basho by heart, you can cook and please any demanding soul with your choice of tea. You can manage a house well and hold a witty conversation for which another man would have to pay a geisha... Perhaps, if you were taught mathematics, you would manage finances. And yet, with all your distinguishing qualities, you are an unaccountable character. How is it that no honorable man among those you entertained had ever asked you to marry him? I thought that surely by now you would be well-off..."

At first, she thought he was speaking in jest and laughed light-heartedly. "Perhaps you should ask them, Toshi-san."

"You shouldn't be so unconcerned with your own fate," he retorted disapprovingly. "That's how I thought at first... And then I understood it was your fault. You behave unfavorably towards other men, you discourage them because... I am certain you reject them because you are in love with me."

The words were heard no more, but Akiha sat stupefied, feeling perplexity and light disappointment, for he had at that moment broken a sacred silence to which she was accustomed and thus betrayed her. She glanced at her fingers resting on her knees and found it very difficult to avert her eyes from that ordinary sight.

"Why would you speak of my fate? Do I bother you and if I do, why do you come?"

"We should have had this conversation a long time ago, but I thought you would understand yourself that we have no future together."

_It is a sickness. If only I knew a cure..._ "You had many lovers and it seems to me that their fate did not concern you at all. Why the sudden display of benevolence towards me? Do you thus wish to appease your conscience? If so, spare me... no, I didn't want to say any of that. Forget it! Pretend I hadn't said it, all right? Please, pretend you haven't heard it..." Her voice dropped to a whisper.

"Damn it, why would you be so silly all of a sudden?! Their fate does not concern me because they did not risk their lives for the Shinsengumi. I devoted four years to make us the best fighting group in Japan and I can appreciate anyone who aided me... Why are you surprised? Kondou hinted that the goal of this arrangement was for you to find a suitable patron, but it's gonna be hard to leave you established if you are stubborn... And we're running out of time."

"My father..."

"I am not your father, I'm not gonna tell you who to marry. But I know you well, a few years will pass and you, like every other kind, devoted and honorable woman, will want a family and a husband who can provide for your children. I can't give you that future. Hell, I don't even know if I will be alive tomorrow, not any more. Get that thought out of your head," he added lowly and softly, but then raised his voice again. "I won't leave the Shinsengumi for your sake or for the sake of any other woman."

"I would never ask you to make such sacrifice."

"Or so you think now. In a year, maybe two, you'll change your mind, but I won't."

"You're no different than my father... He is stubborn, you're stubborn, so is Katsura Kogorou and Saigo Takamori. The world is built by their stubbornness. Have you ever felt that particular shame when you've disappointed your father although you don't understand why, and maybe you don't agree with him, but shame remains, gnaws at your heart, persistently, like a hungry dog? It seems to you that the shame is much older than you are and so much stronger."

"My parents died before I turned five."

"It doesn't matter," she continued irritably, "I endured that shame although I could have accepted my fate. And it's not at all a bad fate... However, I believe in old values and I don't think any promises of wealth or prosperity in future are worth abandoning those values now. I am a daughter of a samurai."

"And I believe myself to be the reincarnation of Oda Nobunaga, the second son of the obscure at that time lord of Owari. I believe I can rise up to the occasion. My belief led me to assume a certain role in recent events. Where does yours lead you? For what would you give up your fate? Instead of being a wife and a mother, you pursue a childish sentiment!"

"I am the last of the Yukimura clan, I wish to be worthy of carrying my ancestor's name."

"Foolishness," Hijikata bent forward, leaning on his palms which rested on his knees, and his eyes flashed fire. "You think it will bring you satisfaction? We let you stay last time because you were sincere and desperate, because you were useful to us and because you had nowhere to go. Take the money you have now and get out!"

He truly frightened her then, but she responded firmly. "I do not seek satisfaction or happiness or recognition... When you were eleven and you planted a bamboo shoot behind your house, making a vow that one day you would become a samurai, did you know what it meant to be a samurai? Did you understand your duties, did you see your successes and feel burdens of your failures? Perhaps we don't have a future, but a great man told me once that you would never know until you try. I would rather try to ascend that winding path than live my life with regret that I walked past it thoughtlessly." She was a maiko who never completed her training, she was a beggar who never had to beg for food, she was an oni woman who rejected her duties, she might as well momentarily imitate him.

"You, too, are stubborn."

Akiha sighed with relief and smiled, in spite of his unfavorable reaction. "It's in my blood, Toshi-san. My mother, everyone says, was renowned for her obstinacy. I'll bring you something to drink." She noticed the vice-commander's cup was empty and slipped out of the room to brew some more green tea.

When she returned, Hijikata still sat in the same pose, hands resting on his knees, in deep cogitation. She couldn't cease smiling, quietly humming to herself a melody she heard once in a kabuki theater, as she knelt by his side and placed a tea pot onto the table. "It's strong and bitter, I hope you wouldn't mind..."

"And now you're smiling... Wherever did you get that idea? Such a foolish idea..."

She could count wrinkles on his light-blue haori. "You don't believe me, do you? I sound too foolish, mindless almost, as though I had in vain thrown away my life. But I have doubts. Not a day passes without me doubting everything I had done, yet every morning afterwards I wake up, knowing I stayed on the right path. That's the truth, Toshi-san, and there won't be another truth."

Afterwards everything happened too fast. Hijikata suddenly leaned forward, she felt his lips on her neck and clenched his wrist, too frightened to say anything, too frightened to move, but he freed his hand and rudely covered her mouth. She shook her head, her eyes widening, and then somewhere a dog yelped loudly, almost screamed like a human, the howl sending shivers down her spine, the howl and Hijikata's calm whisper, "Don't make a sound." She nodded, watching in strange numbness as the vice-commander promptly grabbed his katana and wakizashi and motioned for her to gather her belongings quietly. Then he extinguished the light, ordered her not to move and took a position by the door with unsheathed sword in his right hand.

Slowly she was beginning to understand that there were enemies in her house. The widow usually fed her dogs in the yard at sunset and the yelp she heard was the yelp of a dying homeless dog. There was heavy footfall in the hallways and outside, clangs of armor were heard, and in loud voices intruders were calling out to each other.

"Where are they?"

"Don't leave that bastard alive!"

"Spears! Bring the spears!"

Hijikata swore under his breath, "I counted at least five, but I am sure there are more outside. Somehow they knew we were here alone at this hour."

Akiha paled, pressing a palm to her lips, "Who are they? What do they want with you... with me?"

A long spear pierced the screen paper, the ronin lunged with his whole body and Hijikata adroitly swung his sword, cutting off his hand at the wrist. The ronin let out a heartrending cry, dropping the spear, and at once more intruders ran in their direction. "We found them!" A triumphant scream resounded in darkness. The doorway was too narrow and the wounded ronin leaned against the wall, whimpering, therefore only two men in dark robes managed to shove through the hole – Akiha saw their distorted faces before Hijikata's katana whizzed, having hacked the unprotected head of the first enemy. Blood sprinkled his haori. The other ronin leaped to the side, raising his sword, but Hijikata pushed the body towards him and in the sultry narrowness of the room he could not turn aside. Thrashing, one in a death struggle, the other in an attempt to free himself from the embrace, ronin sagged to the floor and the vice-commander availed himself of the opportunity to deliver two quick, deadly blows. Screams rent the quiescence, more blood spilled on the tatami, but Akiha wasn't afraid of its sight or smell, she wasn't even afraid for her own life, she was afraid for him.

"Toshi-san, we need to..." She began, distracting him momentarily, and a spear treacherously pierced the wall to his left, scratching his shoulder. It was a scratch, but she felt it and flinched, biting her tongue. Hijikata grabbed her by the wrist and dragged her into the hallway, startling the young spearman, who at the sight of the infamous vice-commander of the Shinsengumi squeaked, flung his heavy weapon away and ran towards the entrance door. It was oppressively dark in the hallway, not a flicker of light could be seen, and in sudden unbidden silence they heard a faint sound, like a rat's scratching or a rhythmic tap of someone's fingers on the table. Akiha tried to peek through the chink in the door which opened into the widow's room, but the vice-commander shook his head. "She is already dead," he whispered, pushing her into the kitchen. Someone was waiting for them in perfidious semi-darkness, waiting patiently until the vice-commander turned his back on him, then lunged, with a short sword cutting his thumb and index finger to the bone. It was a shallow wound and Hijikata recovered fast, swinging his katana from the lower position upwards. The ronin parried the strike, there was a brief scramble, pots fell and a small brazier. Hijikata faked a cut to the head and, pivoting his wrist, sent his katana in a spiral, cutting the underside of his enemy's arm and hip. The wounded ronin made a dash to the door, but stumbled into her, sent her sprawling and rammed into the wall. The vice-commander's katana, cold and swift, penetrated his back and protruded out of his stomach. The ronin uttered a gurgling sound, hovering above her like some ugly personification of fate, and then Hijikata plunged his short sword into his neck so that he would die quietly. Akiha left her kodachi with Saito on a rather foolish impulse and took the ronin's wakizashi. Her thoughts were cold and sticky, she had seen them die like that so many times that the sight rendered her numb.

Meanwhile, Hijikata crouched down towards the window and looked outside where against the dying sunset stood out dark faceless figures. "I can count at least a dozen more and they seem perplexed. If I take on them alone, in an open space, I won't stand much of a chance. You will have to escape in a tumult."

"Toshi-san, no," she pleaded.

"If we wait, they will send for reinforcements or torch the house and then we're both dead."

"Perhaps they came for me. If I surrender, then..."

"You're a goddamn idiot if you believe that they would leave us alive and I'd rather..." He fell silent, wrapping his wound in a piece of clean cloth he found in the kitchen. "Rotten luck... It's just my rotten luck that my fingers were damaged and I didn't put on my armor before I left the temple."

Akiha closed her eyes and passed a trembling hand over the sharp blade stained with the vice-commander's blood, listening to the sounds wafted without, to the scratching and tapping, to the muffled voices. "They are from Satsuma, it seems," she said suddenly, pointing to the wakizashi, "I've seen this emblem before."

"This speculation isn't gonna help us unless you know of some other way out of this house."

"Other way... oh..." She pushed herself off the floor. "There is a cellar where the old woman keeps her food and it might have another entrance from the street. And even if it doesn't," she continued excitedly, "we can hide there. If they burn the house, we'll survive and they won't find it."

The vice-commander rose, too, leaning on his katana with his healthy hand, and discarded it after he found the ronin's sword. "It was about to break ," he remarked. "I will have to act rather cowardly, but this isn't my last fight, it can't be. Lead the way."

The enemy did not guard the back entrance to the house heavily. She distracted them, lured them inside and Hijikata killed them both, receiving a cut on the left hand and his leg. He didn't utter a word, but she saw how with each light wound it was becoming more and more uncomfortable for him to hold his sword and fight. It was dark in the cellar and the air was damp. She descended the staircase and lit a small lantern, showing him the way along the empty wooden racks where the widow kept fish and fresh vegetables. Mold and moss grew on the walls and the ceiling was so low that a samurai would not be able to raise his sword without hitting it. At the end, there was a strong wooden door, which required a key to be opened, but the vice-commander rejected flatly her idea to go back and search for it at the house. He slipped the blade of her wakizashi between the folds, pressed the handle hard, having cursed when the rusty lock refused to budge. Both of his hands were bleeding and he wiped them on his haori before trying again. The wakizashi broke and at the same time the rusty lock fell off the hinges. They climbed out of the cellar, concealed by the budding verdure, through which lurid reflections of fire could be seen, and without looking back headed towards the Sanjo bridge, keeping to the deepest shadows. Hijikata limped slightly, but he walked without her help, resolutely and angrily – the further they got from the burning house, the more palpable became his anger, rising inside him, consuming him. She was glancing back at passersby, however auspicious they looked, but he paid heed neither to them, nor to the chill of a spring night which enveloped them slowly. Not once had they spoken on their way to the house with a long porch and a lone lantern above the entrance door. When the night fell on the city, it shone brightly, a single lantern among another dozen whose glass was painted green so that it would not attract careless butterflies, but guide Kondou to Miyuki's house through fog or snow.

Hijikata slid open the door and yelled from the threshold, "Kondou!" Miyuki emerged from the air heavy with aromas of incenses half-naked, dragging the commander with her. "It's Hijikata-san and he looks... horrible!"

"Toshi, come in! What happened to you?" Kondou still looked blissfully inebriated.

"Miyuki, look after her," the vice-commander pointed at Akiha with a bloody finger. "We'll be staying overnight."

"Toshi-san, your hands... let me..."

"Shut up, I don't have time!"

She nodded her head and absent-mindedly followed Kondou's mistress; it would be a long night, the time would hang heavy, she would lie, listening to the heavy steps in the adjacent room, and the burden would lie heavily on her shoulders, the burden of ignorance. _Heavily_...

Like an ox-drawn cart, the world rolled wearily onward on the wheels of retribution.

* * *

*_Aizu-Kotetsu-kai_ – a yakuza gang in Kyoto

**_hitokiri – _name given to 4 deadly anti-Tokugawa assassins in the last years of the shogunate rule


	15. The net of heaven

_**XV. The net of heaven**_

Fire devoured the widow's house and on the next night, Akiha fell ill from strain and colds of early March. For five days she could not clean and cook for herself, she lay, consumed with fever, tossing and turning on the narrow futon, and Miyuki took care of her, bringing her tea and changing wet cloth on her forehead. In rare moments of clarity, Akiha would suddenly rise, troubled with a dreadful thought, and hectically pace up and down the room until debility would overcome her and, prostrated by fever and headache, she would lie down again. She would whisper names and incoherent words which frightened Miyuki, then wake up and frighten Kondou's mistress even more by telling her, with frenzied excitement, that she would give the vice-commander what no other woman could and refuse to elaborate. Akiha fancied she would give him names of all traitors who still remained in the Shinsengumi after Itou defected. She would find all the faint-hearted and cunning and give them up unhesitatingly for the fair punishment.

"You love him muchly," once said Miyuki, sitting herself on the edge of her futon and gazing at her intently.

"He is a good man," she responded, shuddering in a fit of coughing, "a very clever, strong-willed man, but he has too many enemies. It can't be any other way, a great man has to be vilified, but he isn't afraid of them... no, I know he is afraid, but he doesn't let fear hinder him or guide his heart. He dislikes a lot of people... I think he makes enemies too easily. But he would only wave his hand and respond calmly that he, like a true samurai, has long ago embraced death."

"I think I loved Kondou-san like that once, but somewhere during the three years I've known him, I grew weary of being afraid. I am always afraid, you know, and jealous... I was afraid he would choose my sister and abandon me, now I am afraid he will return to his wife or die... tomorrow, the day after tomorrow... in a month... I'm just tired, sister." Kondou's mistress plunged a piece of light-gray cloth into cold water, wrung it and placed it onto Akiha's forehead. She shivered, wiping moist from her temples and cheeks. "What do you think when he is with another woman?"

"I don't think, I pray."

"Don't you at least send for him?"

"No, why would I?" Akiha replied meekly. "He carries many burdens on his shoulders, and I refuse to become but another of those burdens. He can have his freedom if he values it so. I am a daughter of a samurai, it doesn't befit me to act upon my envy, like some commoner."

"But I... am I a burden for Kondou-san, too?!" Miyuki exclaimed, horrified.

"No, I don't believe so! In spite of his ambition, Kondou-san has particular humility which Hijikata-san does not. You won't notice it often, they are quite alike, after all... Don't worry," she added to soothe Miyuki, "Kondou's wife is ugly, he won't return to her."

"You've seen her... When? Or was it Hijikata-san who told you?"

"I was told, but I assure you he didn't lie."

"So she is hideous... How delightful! My dear, silly Kondou, why did you marry an ugly woman?" Miyuki beamed with joy and Akiha wearily closed her eyes, her look plainly saying that she wanted to rest for a long, very long time.

For a whole week she did not leave Miyuki's house, waiting for both Shinsengumi commanders. She did not know where to go after her fever was abated; she did not receive permission to return to the temple, her home once again lay in charred ruins (she managed to save only her manuscript), and since that night when Kondou and Hijikata had a long argument, she had not seen either of them. They were doubtlessly concerned with actions of Satsuma ronin for which, she imagined, they would demand swift retribution or punishment, but the fragility of political balance did not allow them to act alone out of self-will.

They came suddenly, uninvited, unwarned, and Akiha forced herself to slip into a kimono, red as a winter cherry, and leave her room. She felt shivery, her face looked sallow, but there was no such force which would have kept her confined to a bed alone with her disquieting apprehensions. Hijikata's hands had healed well, Akiha noticed before she scrutinized his and Kondou's faces. A thin, pale scar could still be seen on his skin between his thumb and index finger and when the wound bothered him, he would unwittingly flex his wrist. When she entered, he looked over her slowly, from her knees up to her face, and continued speaking quietly, with a tinge of malignant glee in his voice.

"...I told you, Kondou, they wouldn't be placated even if the new shogun revised Kansei reforms and relaxed the strict edicts on clothes and publishing. He is going to give in to their demands and allow promotion by merit instead of birth right, something we've never heard of, but that's not gonna satisfy them. Satsuma and Choshu want their Emperor... They will rejoice if they get to see the day when he rules the country alone. There is no fairness in politics, just the resolve to protect your personal philosophy. I have respect for Sakamoto Ryoma although he wasted himself as a warrior and I would kill him if we were to meet. He has courage because he made a lot of enemies, trying to do what no one else wants. But he is naïve to believe that a few words on paper are going to erase two hundred and fifty years of history. Nonsense, Kondou. The shogun invited Frenchmen to learn Western sciences from them, but it doesn't matter... Ah, that's why I'm going to fight and carouse with women..." He motioned for her to take a seat by his side; she felt his arm around her shoulders, but his gesture wasn't suggestive or offensive, and something hard pressed against her side. It was the handle of his wakizashi. Hijikata didn't notice he inconvenienced her for his eyes were fixed on Kondou.

"You know what I think of Frenchmen and Englishmen and other scoundrels, but to fight Choshu, I'd ask help from the eight-headed Orochi himself. That's where you are wrong, Toshi. With our hard work we've made a name for ourselves and every scoundrel from Ezo province to Satsuma knows that. Yoshinobu may falter and forget the deeds of his ancestors, but we won't. We will be there to remind them that if someone with humble origins could do it, it's an eternal shame for them to prove themselves inadequate."

"You look ill," Hijikata whispered into her ear, but Akiha smiled bravely although in his embrace she felt miserably awkward.

"I've heard Katamori praising Kansei reforms, but I always thought they were too strict. I've read forbidden books because my father wanted me to and those seemed quite harmless to me. Santo Kyoden's stories are satiric in nature, say, a Master Dream produces dreams for all tastes, there is nothing seditious or unorthodox in his writing."

"It has been proven that if clear boundaries are not set for the population, it becomes harder and harder to maintain order in society," objected Kondou. "Rigid structures are universal and natural, the systems of rewards and punishments are necessary to practice virtue, and whereas, Toshi will tell you, some Confucian scholars argue that our social order is rooted deeply in wisdom of the ancient kings of China, that our world is impermanent..."

"Man-made... social order is man-made," chimed in Hijikata. "But whatever you choose to believe, there are four Ways a man can live. The merchant exists by making profit, he is useless because he produces nothing but profit and he shouldn't be reading the seven military classics because it creates confusion. The warrior is a master of various weapons and martial arts, he understands his duty, protects his honor and values loyalty, he is involved in learning and bears in mind at all times the spirit of battle – that warrior should not wallow in excessive luxury."

"Ah," she smiled with the corners of her lips. "Then which Way should you follow, Toshi-san, the Way of a peasant or the Way of a merchant?"

Kondou laughed loudly and Hijikata twisted his mouth, as if he had swallowed too much wasabi, "I don't have the temperament of a merchant," he mumbled, his hand playing with her hair. "It's an eternal battle between desires and obligations, for an individual may choose his own Way. I wanted to make a name for myself, as Hijikata Toshizou, a peasant's son..."

"I wasn't mocking you, Toshi-san," she whispered into the sleeve of his kimono and her heart was beating so loudly in her chest that he surely must have heard it, too.

"You won't be just a peasant's son for much longer," proudly said Kondou. "I've spoken with Katamori recently and he mentioned again his intention to grant us the status of hatamoto. Only think, we'll become direct retainers of shogun... Last time I viewed their offer as premature, we haven't earned the honor yet, but today I say without shame or doubt that most Shinsengumi members deserve the reward. Toshi, what's the matter?"

"How is he going to respond to Satsuma's lawlessness? They knew who I was!"

"Saigo Takamori denies any involvement, he expressed his discontent and promised his assistance, but these are empty words. They'll probably throw one of theirs to the wolves to appease Katamori's indignation, but you'll never find the true culprit."

"And what's the use for you?" Hijikata was angry, but he teased her quietly, in a good-natured manner. "It seems you see everything, but know nothing."

"I am not Buddha to see everything," Akiha replied humbly, "but if I were, I would advise to look for my enemies."

"Your enemies aren't as numerous as ours," said Kondou.

"The net of heaven is wide, coarse are its meshes, but nothing slips through. Kazama Chikage is with Satsuma and he is determined and treacherous."

Miyuki slipped into the room and handed Kondou a lacquered cup. "Please, drink some hot sake, it's cold outside..."

"Serve other guests, too, Miyuki."

"That will not be necessary, I need to pick up sappan wood from the store," Akiha rose, surprising Hijikata with her sudden decision, and with a small smile on her lips said her farewells to both commanders. In the hallway she slipped into a pair of geta and wrapped her warm kimono tightly around her shoulders so that the sharp wind would not chill to the bone. She was in such haste to leave that when the vice-commander's voice hailed her on the threshold, she didn't hear him.

"You're in such a hurry to pick up your medicine that you can't stay with us even a moment longer... I won't try to talk you out of whatever it is you're gonna do, but I forbid you to observe Itou. He'll make a mistake, he certainly will, and then we'll deal with him. You'll only hinder us."

"I won't go to the Imperial Tomb, I swear," she dropped her eyes and tried to stifle a cough, but her throat burnt and tears welled up in her eyes. "I got a little sick, but I am recovering." She couldn't explain to him that she needed to warn Shinonome about the danger to approach the ruins of the widow's house; she couldn't explain to him that his affection frightened her instead of giving her strength or courage; she couldn't explain that her father was a traitor, but she didn't love either of them enough to decide whom to betray in turn. "I must go, Toshi-san."

When she left the house, clouds began gathering above and by the time she found Kitsuya teahouse and sent for Shinonome, they have covered the whole expanse of heaven, assuming fanciful shapes of dragons, serpents and elephants under rich canopies with long fringes. Their colors varied from white to blue-gray to smoky and therefrom fell onto the city below rare droplets of rain. Shinonome embraced her warmly upon meeting and motioned to the shed where they took shelter from the nasty weather. She opened a green umbrella and Akiha, hugging her shoulders and shivering from mild fever and cold, shifted closer. When speaking, she lowered her voice to a whisper although they did not seem to attract attention of artisans or merchants who crowded around them.

"Why did you want to meet me so urgently? I can't be absent from the teahouse for long," Shinonome looked around suspiciously. "I went to your house a few days ago and there were only ruins... Are you in trouble?"

"I wanted to warn you not to go there, but I was ill. I am staying with Kondou's mistress now..."

"Does it mean you see the Shinsengumi members from time to time?" Shinonome changed countenance. "How is... _he_?"

"Oh... He is always preoccupied, I'm not privy to his personal affairs." Even to Akiha, it seemed a feeble attempt to find an excuse to avoid a ticklish subject. "With Emperor Komei's death, the shogun's enemies became bolder. Even my own father... Can you believe it? My own father betrayed me and our cause... But you can't speak of it to anyone. I didn't tell a single soul of his decision because I am afraid... do you think I am a coward? Even if I am, I cannot bear this weight alone anymore."

"Have you found your father? Don't say anything, expression on your face speaks louder than words... I often wondered where mine is when I entertained the next rich patron and the next... Sometimes I thought I would come back home. Can you believe what I am saying? I am, too, at fault for my parents' suffering."

"But death? My father is a doctor who studied Dutch and German medicine, he won't be forgiven if he trades secrets with the enemy..." _The furies. The secrets, too many secrets._

Shinonome pressed her finger to Akiha's lips, "Then keep silence and pray that heavens may have mercy on him."

"Why don't you understand?" She gripped geisha's hands, frail, like stems of water lilies, and well-attended. "If I say nothing, my father's deeds may cause so many deaths among the people I serve. Why did I end up having to make a terrible choice? If these adversities didn't plague our country, I wouldn't have to... The world is not fair..."

"No, it's not fair. If it was, why would I need to run away?"

"You were strong enough, but I... I can't... Ah, why am I complaining? I will survive no matter what happens."

"Don't be afraid, this predicament will resolve itself somehow..."

Shinonome could not offer her any advice, only consolation with words, but Akiha was in great spirits by the time the Emperor's Tomb came into view. She didn't even feel fever. A living soul now shared her burden and to herself she somehow seemed less responsible for any disaster which might spring therefrom. Hijikata warned her not to approach Itou, but she needed a lead to find the rest of the traitors and for that she was willing to venture evoking his wrath. It ceased drizzling and shaggy clouds reluctantly crawled every which way, barring a dazzling blue of the spring sky. Akiha hid herself well beyond the temple's gates, but the longer she waited, the clearer it occurred to her that she would not see anyone suspicious. The only samurai she recognized was Kano Washio, a man whose life she once saved in Otsu unaware of his tragic role in their future. Once she could have sworn she descried Saito, but she couldn't be certain it had been him, for his face was half-hidden by a wide straw hat. In the evening Akiha returned to Miyuki's house empty-handed and tired, but the day has not yet ended for her. One could only imagine her surprise when she found the cozy house glittering brightly, every window was lit, every room except hers was filled with guests and in the main one the Shinsengumi captains contrived to outdo each other, expressing their merriment. Harada and Kondou seemed to have consumed a fair amount of sake and entertained the crowd in every way possible. The captain of the Tenth Unit drew a face on his stomach where a scar remained from his failed attempt to commit seppuku and danced on the low table, drawing hysterical laughter from regular members. In the corner Miyuki giggled each time Kondou opened his mouth to demonstrate that he could fit his whole fist in it. The celebration looked like one of their regular binges, there was nothing outlandish about it except for the lack of occasion, and in the crowd she didn't notice either Souji or Hijikata.

That mystery, however, was unveiled when she found the vice-commander in the room which she occupied while she stayed with Kondou's mistress. He was practicing one move over and over again. Having placed his right foot in front of his left, he would draw his sword in a semi-circular motion, then guide it into the rear stab with his left hand, withdraw into the upper position and, turning his body, deliver an aslant strike from right to left which would have cleft a man from chest to hip. Swift like the wind. Flowing like water. Warm like fire. Firm like a rock. Somewhere she would have to find the emptiness of heaven.

"My hands haven't properly healed yet," Hijikata explained to no one in particular although it wasn't hard to guess that he took note of her presence the moment she slipped through the door.

"Where is Souji? Why isn't he celebrating with everyone? Why aren't you? What are you celebrating anyhow?"

The vice-commander ritualistically sheathed his katana and for a moment stood in utter stillness, gazing upward, before approaching her, his wide hakama rustling on floor.

"It's like fireworks," rang his reply. "The shogun ordered a splendid show with fireworks when people were starving because it distracted their attention from the grimness of life."

"But Souji..."

"His conditioned worsened. He asked me whether the Water of Life could heal his tuberculosis, but I didn't have an answer for him. Can it?"

"I am sorry, Toshi-san, it can't," she whispered, feeling helpless and tired. "It can mend a broken bone or stop a bleeding, but once the body begins to reject its parts... I don't know! Maybe it can slow down its development, but I fear the cure would be worse than the disease itself. Probably I should return to the temple and look after him for a while..."

"It's out of the question now. Everyone knows you are a girl. You could pass for a young page before, when you clothed slovenly and wore a hat. Now only a blind man would be deceived by any disguise. As I said before, you turned into a fine woman..."

Akiha harkened to the laughter wafted from the other room. "Why aren't you celebrating with them?"

"I can always drink with Kondou later. But I should go now..."

"Whereto?"

Hijikata laughed, pointing to his heart. "It's hard to remember that in your heart you're still just a kid. Probably gonna go to Shimbara with Shinpachi."

"What would they think when they see you leave? What kind of mistress am I if you wish to run away from me?" She inquired mirthlessly. Darkness gave her courage, love only inspired her with fear. "Last week you seemed more tractable."

He looked askance at her and, having resolved to stay, undid his obi and placed both swords in the corner. She watched his movements as if in a drowse, watched the four years they knew each other unfold before her eyes from that day when she cowered in her room, awaiting his decision, to the day when they would make love, and it wasn't as glorious as she imagined. With unruly fingers, Akiha tried to free herself from her kimono, but when it slipped off her shoulder, she suddenly froze, clutching at the heap of cloth on her chest, red color of wild cherry framing her skin shamelessly, daringly; red as inviting lights of the pleasure district, red as blood. Everything she tried to forget arose in her mind in vivid detail, oppressive room with a small fireplace, thin, crooked branches of trees scratching the window outside, faint splash of water in the inner garden, and Akiha continued standing in mute bewilderment until Hijikata's hands rested on her shoulders. They were gentle and warm, but she preferred to get over the whole shameful act quickly, painlessly. She even enjoyed their caress for a short while, as the vice-commander brushed away her scattered hair, but then he tried to unclench her fists and thereupon nothing remained in her heart but blinding fear. With a gasp, Akiha retreated to the corner where she fell on her knees, her head sank down upon her breast and she curled up, like a small animal afraid to be struck by a human. She felt miserable, ashamed, and silent tears freely streamed down her cheeks.

"What are you so afraid of?" Hijikata demanded angrily, but he was confused, too. "I am not forcing you to do anything. At first you agree and then you're crying... What a waste of time!"

"I am sorry, Toshi-san, I am so very sorry," she mumbled in response. He was right, it was but a fool's wish, they should never love each other.

"I should have known, you're just a kid."

"I am not a child," she objected weakly to save, if nothing else, the last crumbs of her dignity.

"Then what's come to you? You might as well give me an answer now and be done with it." He was very angry. Akiha raised her head, flashing at him an absurd, contrived grin. He wouldn't be angry at her if she smiled.

"I wasted your time, you are right, Toshi-san. Will you forgive me? I beg for nothing but your forgiveness. It's my fault... I was too afraid... but I wasn't lying to you. I wasn't lying!"

He waved his arm irritably and closed the lapels of his kimono tighter than it was necessary; there was something cruel in his swift movements, a certain unforgiving fatality, and he didn't deign her with a single glance. She would prostrate herself before him and beg again if she didn't know the futility of such self-deprecating action.

And then, as though Light of the East took pity upon her, when she was bereft of hope, Hijikata suddenly knelt by her side and there was no anger in his eyes, his face had a calm, understanding expression. "Have other men offended you?" He asked softly. She shook her head from right to left, like a porcelain Chinese figurine. "I haven't seen a more naïve and unconvincing lie in my life," Hijikata continued insistently and a dreadful weakness overcame her, she felt helpless and naked in front of him, as if he had indeed removed all her clothes. She would never tell him of her intent to escape with the Irishman or of his treachery because she was too ashamed of herself, but he somehow understood her silence correctly. Therefore he didn't object when she pressed herself to him and inclined her head onto his chest. He sat with her for a short while and left only when she fell asleep.


	16. Requital and recompense, part I

_**XVI. Requital and recompense, part I**_

Most members of the Shinsengumi were awarded hatamoto status in early June, but only Kondou earned a privilege of direct attendance in the shogun's court. It was a celebratory occasion, which was marked by a resettlement to Fudou village southeast of Nishi Hoganji temple into the spacious quarters with guest rooms, servants rooms, stables and a large bathing area. The new quarters rivaled the estates of feudal lords in Kyoto and suited the shogun's retainers better than the partitioned temple, however, neither Kondou nor Hijikata possessed enough funds to afford such luxury therefore they cajoled and threatened monks into paying their expenses. A few days afterwards Akiha was called to Katamori's residence where she was assigned to entertain four members of the Shinsengumi who wished to secede under the pretext that they came to Kyoto to practice Imperial Loyalism and they, naturally, did not burn with desire to join the ranks of shogun's retainers.

In early April she found work at a ryokan* whose owner accepted her on Katamori's request and spent her days serving food, decorating rooms, making beds and entertaining guests with her songs. There Akiha heard a lot of hearsay which spread about the Shinsengumi: They were thugs in the eyes of some, traitors in the eyes of others and then there were those who savored pungent words about them being ruthless killers and soulless tormentors of the poor – and she would be tempted to object to those words, but she would always compel herself to remain silent. Nevertheless, she enjoyed those short peaceful hours only to plunge down fearlessly into the ripening tumult thereafter, searching vigorously for needles in a haystack. His name was Takeda Kanryusai and he was indeed a needle in a haystack, but on a warm spring evening, after the willow trees along the banks of Kamo river had shed their blossoms, she noticed him entering a Satsuma mansion in Fushimi village where, it seemed, members of the Shinsengumi who wished to defect hoped to find refuge from punishment. Takeda served as the Fifth Unit Captain from the beginning, but he was strongly disliked for his reputation as a shameless flatterer therefore it didn't surprise anyone that he did not receive promotion to a rank of hatamoto. The true reason behind the denial she found out from Hijikata when he briefly mentioned Takeda's former merits as a scholar and master of the Koshu Naganuma school of military tactics. It taught old, tried samurai tactics and Confucian ideals, but as of recently the shogunate invited Frenchmen to advise them on military affairs and Takeda felt deceived. It was therefore decided that Takeda Kanryusai as well as ten traitors led by Sano Shimenosuke would be eliminated with her assistance.

Her role in the whole affair was rather simple. As a condition of truce between the Shinsengumi, the Mimawarigumi and the Guardians of the Imperial Tomb, each side agreed not to accept deserters therefore the ten men were instructed to obtain a permission from the lord of Aizu before they could be formally expelled. When they arrived at Katamori's residence, the official had already left and servants showed them to the drawing room where they were to wait for his return. As hours dragged by, the four petitioners grew restless, but the servants once again assured them that the daimyo would be back shortly and brought them plenty of sake and food. As they ate, Akiha entered the stage – it was, after all, nothing more than a stage in a kabuki theater (a crazy theater) where she would have to perform – and announced that the lord of Aizu apologized for the delay and sent her to entertain them. Whether they knew she was the vice-commander's mistress or not, her presence assured them of Katamori's benevolent attitude towards their request. She sang for them and engaged them in a conversation. For her guests, since her days as a maiko in Shimbara, she reserved a special expression she noticed on many drawings of Izumo no Okuni, the founder of kabuki theater. It was a particular impenetrable smile which expressed nothing but desire to live in the moment, singing songs and drinking sake, refusing to be disheartened, and in the face of poverty and craving for permanence, just float, like a leaf, down the river. Hijikata could easily disarm her, but she gave him that power willingly. Everyone else was content with her charming smiles and countless stories she told about her life in Edo – it would be a bit defamatory to her reputation if she admitted she was from a small village therefore Akiha adhered to her lie that she was born and raised in the capital. She took a liking to one story in particular which, too, was a lie begotten in her imagination long ago, when she sat near the window overlooking a hatamoto's residence. The story began as following: One summer morning (it was imperative to her narrative that it would happen in summer), the hatamoto's young son played with his kite in the garden (what a beautiful kite it was, she would say, painted red and black with a portrait of a large-headed dwarf who was thought to bring good luck to young men), and she sat near the window, tugging at the strings of her shamisen, when a strong gust of wind tore the kite from the hands of hatamoto's son and brought it to her. She indulged their fancies of a rich man falling in love with a poor woman, fancies of love which should not be, while for her the tale always reflected longing for freedom and it was the kite that delivered her desirable freedom, not hatamoto's love. Her guests would usually express their joy and she would continue with retelling them the rumors from the Imperial court about the young Emperor's maternal grandfather Nakayama Tadayasu who had recently been restored to favor together with Iwakura Tomomi and who, with justified indignation towards the omnipresent Fujiwara**, by some was christened a leech.

By the time she finished a rather one-sided conversation, the servants brought more sake and food for the supper meal. The four samurai weren't getting impatient, they were willing to listen to her songs and stories for the whole night, for when one of them tried to speak, the other would silence him at once and ask her to resume her tale. Akiha was a gifted entertainer although her skills were often employed for a purpose which was aimed to end on a much less cheerful note. That night wasn't an exception. Shadows crept into the windows and quivered hesitantly on the tatami, imparting a gloomy outline to the articles of furniture and folding screens with ornate landscapes and pictures of peacocks; the luster of small cabinets inlaid with gold and silver dimmed and her singing rang softer as colors of sunset were swallowed by darkness. She was overcome with anxiety, but only a pleasant smile showed on her face as she passed sake cups to Sano one after another. When the hour was late, Katamori's residence was surrounded by the Shinsengumi and four shadows sneaked inside, four invisible shadows hid behind the motley screens. The light was extinguished, spears ripped the tender silken cloth, there was confusion in the room, but it didn't last long – three poor wretches died as they sat, with cups of sake in their hands, and Sano tried to unsheathe his katana, however, was struck through his stomach and before succumbing to his wounds contrived but to cut one of his attackers on the forearm.

"I wish to congratulate you,"said the lord of Aizu when he returned. By then Akiha and Inoue dragged the corpses to the middle of the room and cleaned the tatami. "You will speak nothing of it, however, do you understand? I will have a talk with machi-bugyo*** at the city magistrate myself. These poor men were overcome with shame and committed seppuku; you will bury them tomorrow at the nearby temple with honor. And that's what you'll say to any inquiry, from relatives or fellow samurai; you'll say, I repeat, that they thought of leaving, but as they waited, such shame descended on them that they agreed they could no longer continue living. Everyone will believe you..."

She bowed, hiding her hands which were sticky with blood, because it was her disgrace and stigma, but didn't utter a word. In the morning, the four samurai were buried at the temple and everyone, including the commander and the vice-commander, paid their last respects to them with appropriately sombre faces and she was there, too, playing her part without thought, without regret. Her role in Takeda's affair was even simpler. Kondou met her at the inn where she worked, pretending he was a merchant on his way to Osaka from Edo looking for lodgings to stay overnight, and gave her a letter which she had to deliver to Saito in the evening. He explained to her that the captain of the Third Unit infiltrated Itou's group of deserters as a spy for the Shinsengumi and she was relieved to hear the truth, wondering how that simple thought hadn't occurred to her when she confronted Saito about his decision. He couldn't disobey an order therefore he hinted to her that he never intended to be a traitor, yet she refused to hear him out of rather foolish feeling of indignation. The true content of the message was recounted to her orally; Saito was to appear at a farewell party (Kondou was rather pleased with himself for dubiously calling the event a _farewell party_) in a restaurant and afterwards accompany Takeda back to the village. Where and how he would kill Takeda and dispose of his body, Saito had to choose himself, but she imagined it would have to be a desolate stretch of a road near a bridge or a dump. When Akiha returned home (where that home was made no nevermind to her), Miyuki was asleep and she sat alone, in mortal anguish, until the hot day would decline, drinking sake and talking to herself. Nevertheless, as she left Miyuki's house, she sobered up upon seeing two dark figures which detached from the fence and promptly overtook her in a narrow ally.

"Don't scream," whispered one of her pursuers who was revealed to be Itou when he took a step back to draw his sword and a glimmer of light illumined his face. The glow of rage was lurid in his eyes and it burnt out the familiar spark of mockery, frightening her, but not as much as Hijikata would frighten her in a fit of anger, and amusing her with its absurdity. No, nothing could compare to her humiliation as she begged for the vice-commander's forgiveness on that night in early March. "I need only one answer from you, one honest answer... A reliable source told me that you were at Katamori's residence with Sano therefore don't deny your involvement. You were in that room, wretch! I don't believe that convenient nonsense about them committing seppuku so if you have a whit of decency and courage in you, you will tell me... did your lover kill them or order the execution? And don't feign injured innocence, we all know he bedded you just as he bedded every other pretty woman who crossed his path."

"You honor me, Itou-sensei, if you consider me a woman of comely appearance," Akiha replied brashly and laughed to confuse him even more. He expected to see a timid polite girl, however, what did she have to fear but being regarded with contempt and remembered with regret by the only people to whom she felt deeply attached?

"Idle chatter suited only for the Emperor's midwives!" He exclaimed, scandalized. "Sano had no intention of committing seppuku out of misguided sense of shame. There is no shame in leaving a band of thieves and criminals who had envisioned themselves to serve a higher purpose."

"He changed his mind,"easily agreed Akiha.

"Then why were you summoned to his residence on that day if not to charm their ears by singing, to lull their vigilance while traitors would prepare to strike in the most undignified manner?"

"Matsudaira-san summons me to his residence quite often, he is the true cognoscente of our art and poetry. I happened to be present there by chance, awaiting his return."

"You don't need artistic talent to become a cheap whore!"

"Ah, who are women in our society but cheap whores and men but pillars of virtue rivaling Buddha himself?" She said sardonically. "I would be of more use to the Shinsengumi if I were a yujo****, for only night knows what secrets a man may blurt out in a fit of passion. Even when I was a maiko at Shimbara, so many wished I was just a yujo, pretty little thing, you know... Who doesn't like pretty little things?"Akiha wiped sweat off her forehead and slipped down against the wall of a house. "Go away, Itou-sensei, I am not feeling well, I've been drinking all evening... excellent sake, by the way... I'll scream if you intend to harass me and you'll have to strike me down... and you don't want to evoke Kondou's wrath... do you?"

Itou swore angrily and flung his katana away; then he swore again, kneeling and groping for it in the dark until he found it, and without sparing her a single glance, strode off in the direction of Shijo road. Akiha stirred only when she grew certain that the former staff officer wouldn't return on a whim.

"Excellent performance, Akiha-chan, I was for a moment convinced you fainted..."

"Saito!" She exclaimed, drawing herself to full height with a mischievous smile and shaking dirt off her clothes. "So it was you who came with Itou..."

"He trusts me implicitly, so I invited myself. He has been seething with indignation ever since he has been told that Sano and the others committed seppuku and I didn't think he'd kill you – he was mumbling something about threatening you – but I came nevertheless..."

"Ah, I'm not really afraid of him... I was looking for you, such a strange coincidence. The commander told me everything and I wanted to apologize... when we talked a few months ago, I spoke rashly, rudely, I didn't... there, you heard my apology."

"I must leave before Itou suspects anything..."

"Takeda Kanryusai is his name," she stood on tiptoe and whispered into his ear. "Don't move, let the passersby think we are drunk lovers."

"That boaster... what had he done now?"

"He is a traitor. In this letter is an invitation to his party. You are to attend it on a designated hour, lure the tiger down from the mountain... and kill him whenever you find it convenient, but Takeda has to die that night. He'll trust you because he believes you joined Itou..."

"Thank you," he replied as quietly. "Tell the commander I understood."

Akiha embraced him briefly but warmly. "I am delighted to hear that you didn't betray us. Farewell, Saito-kun."

They parted and by the time they would meet again, another man would perish with her aid. The boundaries between good and evil were very thin; there was no justice in war, and there was none in peaceful surrender. One form of corruption had to be protected so that the other would not arise, for corruption was as inherent in human nature as mold in a damp cellar. When all united, emptiness was born which could not be described in words, expressed in tongues or shown in gestures and such was the Way of all things.

After Takeda's death, she was granted a brief respite until one day in late June Shinonome asked her to deliver a letter to one of the geiko by the name of Ikumatsu, alleging that she could not leave the teahouse that day. "I am entertaining a rich patron later," she said and refused to tell Akiha his name although she usually shared names of her patrons with her. Akiha found the aforesaid ryokan on the bank of Kamo river in the shadow of willow trees – weeping willows, they were called, for their long thin branches bathed in the water mournfully – and loitered around for a while, but no one entered or left the inn which, barring the well-attended verdure, seemed desolated so she approached the gate cautiously. However, no sooner had she attempted to open the gates than a palanquin appeared behind her back, a man whose face she didn't see covered her mouth with a palm and, in spite of her weak protests, dragged her inside, ordering carriers to move in a harsh voice. A cold blade of a wakizashi was pressed to her throat. In less than an hour Akiha found herself in luxurious guest quarters of the Shinsengumi and here she would laugh with relief and ask why they had to invite her with such unnecessary precaution if it wasn't for the presence of both commanders and a few young members who must have joined recently. The most notable object in that room was by her considered to be a _photograph_, one of those Western wonders which portrayed on paper an actual image of a person or landscape with stunning detail even if devoid of colors, and that photograph breathtakingly well depicted Hijikata against a background of a local shop, dressed in his haori and armed with both swords. Even his eyes seemed alive, full of expression, calm on the first glance, but with almost demented longing beneath that calm exterior. The vice-commander, in a certain mood, loved to pose with unmistakable air of self-importance about him. Akiha glanced at the photograph, then at Hijikata's face whose eyes now promised a vehement storm, then at Kondou, but nowhere could she find solace.

"We caught her as she was about to enter the ryokan, just as the message said, commander," said one of the men who captured her. "We didn't search for the letter..."

"Where is it?" Demanded Kondou.

"Where is the letter?" Akiha repeated his question, her countenance assuming an expression of naive befuddlement. "I carried it between the lapels of my kimono... it's a..." Here she realized she never inquired Shinonome about its content, but, as a messenger, she didn't concern herself with details. "... a note, I suppose, from one of my acquaintances to another, probably silly woman's ramblings."

"Silly woman's ramblings, she says..." The vice-commander appeared calm, nonchalant, but she could sense that something awful had happened. "You were about to enter the main headquarters of Katsura Kogorou in Kyoto and you tell me that your letter contains silly woman's ramblings... Leave us, everyone..." When the small crowd dispersed and only Kondou remained in the room, he continued. "When did you decide to betray us? On the night after the hollyhock festival when you tried to unsuccessfully seduce me?"

Why would Hijikata speak to her like that? "I-I... betrayed no one." The commanders exchanged quick glances. "I don't understand how my... disgusting behavior that night leads you to conclude that I committed high treason. I would never visit Kogorou's ryokan if I knew..." A terrible thought occurred to her and she turned frighteningly pale. "I didn't know, I swear..."

"That is for us to decide now," coldly concluded Kondou. "We received a message early in the morning where it was written that if we sent a patrol to Ikumatsu's ryokan, we would find definitive evidence of a treason. Where is the letter you were supposed to deliver?"

Akiha could lie that she lost it, yet she was beginning to understand, with that dreadful sickening feeling, that something terrible transpired in the morning and it somehow concerned Shinonome and perhaps she already knew what, but with fervid faith of the perpetually naive, deferred the inevitability of acknowledging to herself the singular bitter truth. She handed Hijikata the letter without opening it so as not to see her sentence.

"In the note from that incognito benefactor it was also said that your father betrayed the shogun and that you have been in contact with him. Is it true?"

Then it became clear to her who betrayed her, and the absurd monstrosity of her situation struck her so that only incoherent words escaped her lips in response. "Yes, Kondou-san, it is true, I met him... but it isn't... it isn't what it seems. I am so tired... What have I done? What have I... done..."

"The letter she was to deliver is brief, it hardly incriminates her. Did you have to ask Ikumatsu for a meeting?"

"I haven't read the letter, I am innocent! Please, believe me... hear me out, at least..."

"Then speak," Kondou interrupted her curtly, "but know that whether you live or die depends on what you say."

Akiha glanced at Hijikata, but he averted his eyes. She was all of a sudden utterly overwhelmingly alone. "This letter doesn't belong to me, but to a geisha I know... I never delivered letters for her before, it was my first time... a favor, I promised I would do her a favor. Also I've never met Ikumatsu, her name is unfamiliar to me... if she is a spy for Choshu, I didn't know that. I would have never gone to her inn if..."

"What about your father?" Mercilessly. Inexorably.

"He found me, it is true, but we are in a disagreement. He wanted me to leave with him, but I couldn't... I couldn't betray us so I stayed. He sent a few letters to the old widow's house, but I never replied. I only hoped he would become more sensible and regret his decision. I couldn't tell you because he is my father... It's shame and pain..."

"I told you she isn't a traitor," said Hijikata and there was a hint of relief in his voice. "She is credulous and trusted the wrong people, but that isn't a crime according to any law..."

"I don't believe anyone, Toshi, and your judgment seems hasty," Kondou, however, didn't appear convinced. "Although she has never been a member of the Shinsengumi, she will suffer a befitting severe punishment if my investigation uncovers more evidence of her betrayal. Who was that geisha who gave you the letter?"

Akiha gazed upwards, as though expecting to see a sign from heaven, but it never appeared on the ceiling and she obediently replied, "Shinonome, her name is Shinonome, Hijikata-san's former geisha in Kitsuya teahouse..." She was tired of forgiving people who had wronged her, intentionally or unwittingly, tired of hoping that perhaps in some other circumstances or in a distant future, they would understand each other and harm each other no longer. Her response stirred something in the vice-commander, yet it wasn't until Kondou left with three other Shinsengumi members to conduct his investigation that Hijikata spoke.

"Why haven't you told me about your connection with Shinonome? Why have you kept it a secret from everyone? She is a jealous vindictive woman... And I've been to Kitsuya teahouse recently. Ah, I didn't even know myself why I went to see her," he irritably waved his arm, the gesture accompanied by a flap of the wide sleeve of his light-blue haori. "I asked her to sing for me, we had a short conversation and then I left... but who knows what she took into her head."

"I didn't think it was of any significance to us, but you have to believe me, Toshi-san, I am innocent... Innocent!" Akiha pleaded, wringing her hands. It was one of the rare times when they found themselves alone, and usually he would be rather kind to her and she'd be too preoccupied to worry with how many women he had been, but that day a rift of mistrust appeared between them which wasn't there before. "I told her nothing although I had the opportunity... I could have told Itou that Sano and others didn't commit seppuku at Katamori's residence, I could have lied to Saito – and he was there, he knows! - but never in my heart was I tempted to betray the Shinsengumi. I was ashamed of my father's actions, I still am! Treason disgusts me, I would rather take my own life than... It probably looks bad, but sometimes a black raven looks like a white egret even if it isn't one. Even if I had no dignity left, my... you know why I would never betray you."

"It's more complicated than that. I don't think you're a traitor, but you should have told Kondou or me about Shinonome and your father. Although you did not intend it, you might be still guilty of negligence if certain details got out and then..." His hair was pulled tightly into a band at the back of his head and his face was solemnly sombre, just like on the photograph. "I won't be able to do much in your behalf... I hope that you hadn't done anything too foolish, just made a harmless honest mistake. I can promise that I won't give you up to the magistrate and if it comes to it, I will behead you myself. I can't promise you anything else."

The vice-commander was clearly conflicted, but she didn't want him to be – she didn't deserve his worry. "Ah..." She said with sudden serenity in her voice. "You believe me, Toshi-san, and I don't ask for more."

"Don't pretend you're not afraid," he objected sternly.

"I am afraid, I am very afraid. I am a coward..."

"You're not a coward and I want to hear nothing of it!"

She would cry if she didn't vow to herself that she wouldn't cry again in his presence. "But I'll accept my death. If you believe me, I'll accept it... like an Emperor's concubine in that old story who was insulted and vilified by the whole court. My life is worthless..." she added proudly and it was a strange pride, born out of meekness and shame. "And I give it to you of my own volition. If I could never live like a samurai's daughter, I can at least die like one."

He was silent for a long time and Akiha was afraid he would leave, but he was considering what to say next. "I take my words back, you're not a child anymore," he uttered finally. "Here is what we will do. We'll try to make everything go away quietly... But at first, tell me about your father's treason..."

Akiha took a deep breath and her chest painfully tightened, but it was time she began caring about herself a little, it was time for her to dare and hope and abandon those who abandoned her to their own fate. "Yukimura Kodo," she began quietly, but as she spoke, her voice grew louder, "isn't in truth my father, but my father's brother and of his own will he chose to become a doctor and learn from Dutch and German doctors. It was through them, I believe, that he discovered Water of Life which he sold to the shogunate, hoping that with his connections to the bakufu he would be able to restore my clan to its former power..."

* * *

*_ryokan_ – traditional inn

**_Fujiwara clan_ – powerful and very old clan who ruled alongside the Emperor for more than millennium

***_machi-bugyo_ – a post of a chief of police, mayor and judge for townspeople.

****_yujo_ – low-rank prostitute

**~o~o~o~**

_I realized once again the futility of my efforts to predict the total number of chapters. So I don't know, between 23 and 27... but if you got so far, I hope you'll stay till the end ;)_


	17. Requital and recompense, part II

_**XVII. Requital and recompense, part II**_

Perhaps all traitors, facing fateful consequences of their exposure, had the same thought in their mind that if someone only listened to their reasons and understood them, they could escape death. Akiha hadn't considered how traitors felt until she was unjustly accused of treason herself and only then did she evoke in her memory faces of those who had perished, serving the Shinsengumi, and who envisioned their lives to be of some value, Sano and Takeda and Kawai Kisaburo, an accountant whom Hijikata ordered to commit seppuku for fraud. In their last moments, what did they long for? Upon their sorrow, spite of others grew abundantly, but treason did not always come from a faint heart which led them astray.

It was a hot day till the fresh air proclaimed the evening nigh and, sitting in her room, Akiha heard the Shinsengumi estate come to life, fill with muffled voices, clangor and chirr of balm crickets, which reverberated in her ears and in her memory, awaking only sullen melancholy. She felt utterly alone and it shouldn't be so that a person had no one to turn to, but as she desperately sought anyone who would intercede for her, she couldn't recall a name. Her father lied to her, Shinonome lied to her, and Hijikata has been painfully honest with her; he would try to clear her name, but were he to make a choice between her and the Shinsengumi if Kondou didn't believe him, she didn't cherish even forlorn a hope that he would continue aiding her. He tried to warn her that if she were too weak to carry that burden on her shoulders, she would sag under it, but she loved him stubbornly and it seemed to her a good enough justification. Alone, in a sultry room, Akiha contemplated succumbing to cowardice and writing her father, begging for his forgiveness and asking him to rescue her. Such pitiful thoughts! Who could she accuse of having a faint heart besides herself? But in spite of that agonizing inner struggle, she never believed she would carry out such hideous plan.

"Oi, brat, let me in," a familiar voice burst into the dark labyrinth of her thoughts and its walls crumbled away. Akiha stirred, drew herself to full height and noiselessly crept to the wall, drawn to that voice, as if it promised hope and joyous deliverance, but her joy soon waned.

"Souji! What are you doing here? I am suspected of treason, you shouldn't be talking to me or you'll, too, be in trouble."

"Ah, there is certain futility in threatening a dying man with death, wouldn't you say so?"

She shouldn't have found the hidden bitterness in his words humorous, but the absurd coincidences and revelations of the day, the strain, the anxiety of anticipation took their toll and Akiha burst out laughing and she laughed until tears welled up in her eyes. "What a fine thing you said, Souji. Why are you being a fool so timely? How do you know that it's all I need, a little good laughter?" He entered the room whereto she was confined, with the spring in his step, and darkness hid his handsome face which was pale from exhaustion so he successfully deceived her that he was well and she couldn't bear to ask. "Once my name is cleared, I'll make you some tea with knotgrass, sage and chamomile..."

"I'm sure you will. I'll never believe you're a traitor, you don't have the insidiousness of character to become one." Souji sprawled on the floor without manner or tact. "I was actually hiding from the vice-commander, he is in a foul mood, I'll tell you, foul as the nastiest weather in late autumn... He is irritated with you, with me, with Kondou, you can't say a single word to him or he'll fly into a temper... I hate those moods... but it's a good sign." He assumed an air of seriousness. "He has the right wits, y'know, to save you from your own foolishness."

"He must abandon me to my karma. I want to save myself, I want to think of something... something clever. My father doesn't understand how much I've grown, I fooled him once, I'll do it again..."

"The one you'll fool is you," Okita interrupted her unceremoniously. "This time you have to give up and let him take care of you. If you're not a traitor, you have nothing to worry about, brat. He's been looking after us all these years and we are just a bunch of overgrown children. Kill that loyalist, brag about bedding another woman, what do we know? My death is nigh and I thought a lot about what I've done... and, no, I regret nothing, but its closeness instilled into me an understanding of what trifles some of us used to pursue..." Akiha obediently nodded her head. "Nay, don't think I've become like those wise men and philosophers, who scream on every corner, 'Hail Amida Buddha!' but if I'm telling you that Toshi will take care of everything, he will. Let me tell you this one story..."

"A story about Toshi-san?" She roused herself and somewhere in the dark rang his clear loud laughter.

"Would I tell you stories about Kondou if you'd rather listen to tales about Toshi?"

"Get away with you, Souji!"

"Tell me I am wrong, brat. If not, listen to the story... Toshi has an older brother and they're quite alike, both stubborn and naturally calm and contemplative... If they were of the same age, you'd never tell 'em apart. Who knows how our fate would have turned out if Tamejiro wasn't blind? However, although he could not see, he never let his ailment get in the way. He was literate and took care of himself... the long and short of it, imagine Toshi if he were blind. They lived near the Tama river and sometimes it would flood from heavy rain. Once it flooded when Tamejiro went to the city brothel and, knowing how treacherous the river could be, Toshi went looking for him... he couldn't have been older than twenty and remember, Tamejiro was blind, but proud and stubborn as a mule. When Toshi found him, he knew he couldn't offer him a bamboo stick to hold onto. Tamejiro would rather die than admit his weakness. Therefore Toshi pretended it was him who needed help and allowed his brother to lead him back while subtly guiding him around treacherous pits in the sand and deep waters."

"Hijikata-san mentioned his older brother a few times, but I never knew he was blind... How awful! How sad his existence must be! To not see faces of those he loves, or colors, or sakura blossoms floating downstream... We complain too much, Souji, if those who have nothing don't complain at all."

"I feel soreness of the mouth every time you call him Hijikata-san... You're like Hajime, Hijikata-san this and Hijikata-san that... "

"I can call him Toshi-san, but I respect him and Kondou... I have a lot of respect for both of them although I wish the commander believed me, too. If he doesn't believe me, I'll rather die peacefully. What do I know? I'm like water which flows without self-interest. I can tell silly stories and in them you can imagine anything, dissect them like a doctor would dissect a dead body and take only what you want, my pale reflection. I have no other worth. I make them laugh when I can barely smile myself, when I barely want to live among them because they wish to kill you, to smother my spirit, to steal and taint the very soul of Nippon, but I need to make them smile... What will life become if the shogunate falls? Will the tempered steel of your swords dull and the colors of my kimono fade? And I am so used to the sight of blood and death it barely makes me flinch, I stare at corpses, empty – empty! - and his affection frightens me more than their hollow eyes... I think I am sick in my heart, Souji, but not like you... not like you..."

"If it is sick, it has once been healthy..."

"Once... healthy out of ignorance. No, not healthy, incomplete," she corrected herself, dejectedly. "Like heaven and earth, like spikes converging at the center of a wheel on which the world rolls endlessly forward... each was incomplete without the other. I'd rather be sick than incomplete. I've broken the ties of filial piety, I betrayed my father... what is called the closest bond, I've mutilated it and upon doing so, I felt satisfaction. What gave me the right to disagree? But how could I not disagree if I despise what he did and I sold my loyalty to the man I loved?"

"What's done is done, confound it," Souji dismissed her argument easily. " You love Toshi and you remain loyal to Kondou and to our poor shogun, no one's gonna accuse you of anything. And books... life's not like any book I know. What's written in them suits some, but others aren't so lucky."

"He was right, you know, I've gotten myself somewhere I shouldn't be. Perhaps I should have left..." Then she covered her mouth with a palm and bit it in frustration. "Forget it, Souji, I am complaining again! I refuse to say another word!"

"That's better, brat. Remember my words when it happens, you're about to witness some of the bloodiest, ugliest days... heads will roll, lies will be used as sharp weapons and loyalty will cost a few golden ryo," he said excitingly. "Ryoma, Kogorou, Okuba Ichizo from Satsuma, politicians, samurai, chonin, no one will be exempt from fighting."

...In the morning, Kondou went to Kitsuya teahouse again and returned with a letter addressed to her which Ueno gave him. '_By the time you receive it, I will be on my way home and you'll never find me,_' it read. _'I decided to leave Kyoto and return to my family with the money I saved to wait out the political storm, but before I disappear I found it necessary to reveal your treacherous intentions to the Shinsengumi. You lied to me. Writing this, I with regret remind myself how mendacious people are, even those who seem naïve. All this time you knew I loved him and laughed at me, sharing his bed, but untruth, like lees in wine, rises when you shake the bottle. He came to Kitsuya teahouse and you can't imagine the profoundness of joy with which I received him. I inquired about the reasons for his sudden visit and he asked me to perform for him. I sang on his request, but he suddenly interrupted me with words which stung me. 'My acquaintance with whom I spent a lot of time recently sings this song slower, in a deeper voice and I enjoy it more,' he said. I knew at that very moment that he spoke about you. You cannot sing! You lack refinement and subtlety in your performance and your manners of sitting are awful. He can't possibly praise you unless you slept with him like a little whore you've always been. And then you lie to me that he's been too preoccupied with his duties and you haven't seen him in a while. I won't let you lie to him even if it's the last thing I do in Kyoto...' _And so Shinonome had gone on and on, calumniating her.

"How can this letter guarantee your innocence? You're gonna need much more," Kondou gazed at her irritably. "If nothing else, it only exacerbates your guilt in my eyes and in the eyes of every sensible man. It's a pity that you didn't get out of Kyoto before your mistakes caught up with you."

"She wouldn't hide if she believed in fairness of her words,"Akiha objected.

"Don't give me clever excuses. If I want to believe you're guilty, I will believe you're guilty until you give me a good reason not to!"

"Write a message to your father," said Hijikata. "He'll suspect it's foul play, but if you help us capture Yukimura Kodo, then you will be free from suspicion."

Akiha did as she was told although in her heart she could not find a good justification for her choice and guilt tormented her for many months thereafter. But at that time she was frightened to lose their trust more than she was frightened to lose her honor and she seized upon the opportunity with wretched eagerness.

To lure an enemy in with a bait, to exchange a stone for a jade, was a universally used stratagem. Satsuma knew it, too, therefore they needed to be convinced that the stone was of more worth than the jade and they could waste no time if they wanted it. Under the cover of night, she was to be taken to prison in Osaka, presenting Kazama and her father with many opportunities to ambush them, but the result of this venture could not be predicted like the end of a game of shogi when equal rivals met at the board.

Harada's unit guarded Akiha's palanquin when it left the Shinsengumi estate and crossed the almost invisible boundaries of the old city of Emperor Kammu and his progeny; by the bridge thrown across Katsura river a bit downstream from where it merged with Kamo river, Inoue and Kuwajiro joined them. They turned to the road which led to Osaka. "It's gonna be a windy night," remarked Sanosuke who walked alongside her norimono. "Don't let wind extinguish the torches." Akiha sat inside, praying to whatever god in existence that their enterprise would end well, but in her heart she knew that blood would be spilled that night. Her hands were tightly tied, but the numbness and pain in her wrists was the least of her worries.

"Sano, what time is it?" She whispered loudly enough so that her words would be heard. "We're too far from Kyoto to hear the shrine bell."

"The hour of the boar, I would say, but my inner clock has always been skewed," he grinned. "But we aren't too far from our first resting point. See that hill over there..." She looked out and in quivering torchlight, through the smoke, she descried the dark outlines of the hill and behind it, a forest showed black in the distance. To her left a river cut through swamp overgrown with reed and covered with bright summer flowers wherefrom strong wind wafted a faint smell of rotten grass and stagnant water. "It's about two ri away from that hill." Akiha covered her eyes from dust and reclined against the rough wooden wall. Agonizing heat had passed, but she felt no relief.

They never got to the inn. Once the road turned into the forest, men, clothed in black, did not come out of it, but flew, like many crows or vultures, and encircled them. Fighting ensued, but Harada's task was to masterfully pretend they would protect her and then no less masterfully, at the cost of little sacrifice, withdraw. 'Fighting is about control,' Hijikata sometimes told her when he was in a mood to say more than a few words. 'You control yourself, you control your opponent, anticipating his moves, rendering them harmless, and even the slightest change in your posture or gaze could cause defeat and death. In chudan*, I tend to watch the kissaki**, in jodan – the enemy's hands. It is also about patience to wait for openings in defense and courage to apply firm pressure so as to avoid going on the defensive yourself. It's foolish to think only of cutting your enemy with the sword.' He was telling her about kenjutsu not out of desire to teach her, but rather out of habit to boast about his prowess to anyone who would listen.

But that night not an ordinary enemy waited for Harada and Inoue. Chilling howls resounded through the dark forest, sending shivers down her spine. Her father brought furies! Harada swung his spear dashingly – through the window she saw him thrust it through the fury's body with such force that the tip pierced its back – and Inoue kept up with him, but many young members faltered at the sight of demon-like creatures advancing in the dark, their eyes glowing, which proved to be nearly invincible to sharp steel. They didn't have to feign retreat, scattering at the first opportunity. Her palanquin gave a lurch and overturned; Akiha fell, hitting her head on the wooden wall, and groaned loudly. She couldn't move until a strong hand dragged her from underneath the wreckage and, her heart swelling with fear, she straightened, shielding her eyes from bright light and heat, emanating from a torch someone intrusively thrust into her face. The bounds on her hands were cut and a familiar voice said:

"That's all there is to that, I guess, my erring daughter."

"Father!" Akiha looked round and, having noticed what she was searching for, awkwardly took a step backwards. There was blood on the sleeve of her kimono, but she felt no pain and the scratch was no longer bleeding. She was utterly surrounded by furies and Satsuma ronin, but among them she, to her relief, did not recognize Kazama.

"Don't call me _father_ until you've atoned for your mistakes, then I'll welcome you back to my clan with open arms. Show obedience and filial piety befitting a daughter of the Yukimura clan and I won't disown you for your unacceptable behavior. Mark my words! You will be punished severely for joining with the enemy, but for now, let us go. I am taking you with me."

"Wait, father! You knew it was a trap, you knew thousand circumstances united to impede you, and in spite of these obstacles you came. Should I think you came out of love for me or out of gain, it makes no nevermind..."

"Silence, daughter! Your sincerity, or lack thereof, is absolutely of no consequence. With these furies at my side, I will win any battle."

The glittering object she needed was too far away, she'd never reach it, if only... silence of a summer night in the forest afforded her pure bliss. "I am pregnant, father," Akiha whispered with a foolish smile on her lips although she had her heart in her throat, "I am carrying a child from that thug and criminal."

_'We love our delusions, for without them, the world is bleak and barren,' _once wrote Yukimura Toko._'And it is a great power in itself, the ability to discern jitsu from kyo, truth from falsehood.' _Her father did not have that power. His face was contorted by a grimace of pure rage, he raised his hand threateningly at her and slapped her in the face so hard that her legs gave way and she fell slowly, uncouthly, like a bamboo stem. There was ringing in her ears, blood oozed into her mouth and she caught a smell of wet soil. Her fingers between green blades of grass found the glistening object Akiha noticed before, a wakizashi which one of the attackers must have dropped while fleeing. She clutched its handle to her and when Kodo reached towards her to jerk her upright, she wriggled out of his grip and plunged the wakizashi into his palm with as much strength as she could gather. Her father screamed, taken aback by the suddenness of her attack more than by the pain in his wound and she availed herself of the confusion her attempt to abscond had given rise to; she ran towards the nearest trees so as to hide in a dark ravine and wait for the sunrise. She could not wait for the Shinsengumi to rescue her and capture her father, everything was ruined now. One of the trees was leaning against the trunk of another after a particularly violent tempest and Akiha adroitly dived underneath and into the thorny bushes, but here luck abandoned her. She did not see who delivered the blow to her head, but the world suddenly swayed before her eyes, screams drowned in thick silence and darkness gushed towards her from all sides.

...Akiha woke up in a room to the pounding of the hooves, which she at first mistook for the dull pain in her temples. Two hours had passed, or thereabouts, if the impenetrable darkness behind the window could be considered a reliable sign or if she could even rely on her memories which were as though hazed over with red fog. Something went awfully awry when her father brought furies and she decided to act out of self-will. Akiha crawled to the window and squinted from bright torchlight – there seemed to be a river of fire flowing from the road to the gate of the inn and beyond, darkness being its banks and clusters of helmets its islands. Besides stables, there was a well and a small garden in the yard, girt with a sturdy fence; the scenery which appeared before her was not different from any rural scenery decorated by a cozy wayside inn and in different circumstances her eye would delight to lose itself in the endless expanse of rice fields and green hills. But then Akiiha quickly found Kondou who, brandishing his sword, gave out curt orders to the Shinsengumi. Something felt wrong. She opened the door to the adjacent room and found it empty. She ran out into the hallway – empty! Her father would never leave her unguarded unless...

Akiha dashed towards the broken window and cried out loudly, "Don't enter the inn, it's a trap! Kondou-san! Don't enter the inn!" It seemed her desperate entreaty attracted his attention, for the commander fell silent. Many heads turned her way and she screamed again, "It's a trap!"

"Do you know how much you remind me of your mother now? It's hard not to admire her courage and stubbornness in you, but you must understand – surely you must! - that I will not let you squander your life like I, by a terrible error, allowed her." Her father chuckled. "I know you are not with child, a clever lie, but fruitless."

Someone from the Shinsengumi discovered furies which heretofore hid behind the fence, waiting for their oblivious opponents to enter the inn, and fighting recommenced, with more ferocity, than on a road in the forest.

"I know what you want and it is clever, too, but fruitless."

A young man in blue haori ran up the stairs and shoved through the door. "I am here on commander's orders. You are surrounded and he wants you to sur-"

"Father, no!"

Although Kodo chose to become a doctor and help people (his philosophy in that matter was unusual; her father would charge his permanent patients if they were healthy because it meant he did his duty as a doctor, and demand no reward if they were sick), he was born into the Yukimura clan and therefore received fairly good training with the sword. Her father adroitly sidestepped and his own katana flew out of sheath, rushed towards its sister. Their swords locked, both opponents froze in the middle of the narrow room, vying for control. With the advantages of an oni, Kodo pressed the enemy easily, but Akiha did not intend to wait for the predictable outcome and rushed into the hallway.

"Where are you going, daughter?!" Rang her father's thunderous voice and, involuntarily, she halted. His katana was bloodied, his kimono spattered with something darker even than its natural color – the fate of the young Shinsengumi member was sealed. To her left Akiha noticed a burning torch and grabbed it, wielding it like a weapon.

"I know what you wanted, father!" She screamed, feeling for a moment utterly invincible – invincible to the forces of fate, to judgments of people, to the steel of Satsuma swords and Choshu's political power. It was such a liberating moment. She felt tears streaming down her cheeks. "Why would you bring fire otherwise? Let this old building burn like that guilt burning brightly inside you!"

"You're mad! There is gunpowder underneath us which Satsuma purchased from the British... even oni's healing powers won't save us!"

"You thought to yourself, it was my mother's stubbornness which brought about the destruction of your plans and if only you could do it again, save me according to your twisted design, then you would prove to yourself that it was indeed a misfortune for which no one should be held accountable. It was going to be like that night, the fighting, the screams, the burning temple... only instead of a temple, you chose an abandoned inn. Or did you pay its owners to abandon it? You won't make me return to Kazama, but you won't stop trying and we must both die tonight!"

Akiha hurled the torch into the heap of dry hay, igniting a fire, and crimson trickles spread therefrom, quickly devouring dry wood and thin screen paper on a rainless night. She did not want to kill either of them, only to discourage her father from ever interfering with her life and clear her name, but fate had already decided otherwise, mocking the folly in her favorite children, humans. The young man who was following Kondou's orders was wounded gravely, but he did not die. When Akiha rushed towards the stairs and Kodo tried to chase after her, the youth crawled out of his room and plunged his wakizashi into her father's knee. During the precious minutes it took Kodo to behead him, to pull the blade out of his leg, to heal his wound, walls of flames had risen all around him. By the time Akiha stumbled out of the thick fog, coughing, the upper floor of the inn had been utterly consumed by flames. In the courtyard, Hijikata was locked in a fierce fight with a fury; holding the handle of his katana with one hand, the blade with the other, his feet firmly planted on the ground, he pressed his foe and when Akiha glanced at them, they seemed to be in a stalemate. But on seeing her, he disengaged at once, mounted his horse and flung her over the saddle, ordering the rest of the Shinsengumi to withdraw. She was in a daze and felt neither the pain, nor the wind blowing in her face – her gaze was fixed at the burning inn and as flames spread over to the lower floor, the gunpowder exploded, flames belched out of the windows and the building crumbled away. The explosion was probably heard on the outskirts of Kyoto and in Osaka lurid reflections of fire could be seen burning far into the early morning, but its inhabitants, with amazing indifference of people who lived in tumultuous times, closed their windows and doors tightly and went about their daily routine.

"If you can't capture them, dispose of them," philosophically declared Hijikata afterwards. "You clearly aren't a traitor." And Kondou reluctantly agreed with his friend.

For two days Akiha did not leave the sight of the Nishi Hoganji temple. She sat, dressed as a beggar woman, and listened to the mendicant monk play his flute thoughtlessly, without a single concern for the outside world. During those days she contemplated becoming a Buddhist nun and rejecting everything worldly, but those worldly affairs had such a strong grip on her that she often felt overwhelmed, twirled like a leaf in a whirlpool and a leaf had no will to break free. Then Miyuki laughed at her suggestion and it affected her strangely, awakening her defiance. 'Forgive me, father,' became a ritual phrase she whispered when she left home, but she utterly abandoned a thought to be a nun. She would be a terrible, disobedient nun, she thought with ennui when she received Hijikata's invitation to a ryokan where he wanted to meet her at the end of the week. 'Forgive me, father,' she whispered ritualistically, leaving Miyuki's house, but it was beyond her to resist the temptation to be left alone with the vice-commander, to know the mysteries of love. Like a butterfly drawn to the bright light until its wings burnt... Could the butterfly turn away?

Akiha expected their meeting would be at least somewhat formal, but she certainly did not expect to find a table with sake, wine and food and an obliging young woman who seated her onto the tatami and poured her a cup of tea (usually she would be that woman, pouring drinks for the rich). But although she was treated well, she could not think of anything except how painful and terrible it must have been to be burnt alive. She would raise the cup and sip from it with routine indifference, then ask for more drink and sink into deep thought. Nothing seemed to possess the power to distract her until Hijikata told her a story from his early days as a Shinsengumi vice-commander. Then Akiha roused herself and her eyes fell onto an object which she in her melancholy did not notice before. It was an incense clock which, burning, emitted a pleasant smell.

"I remember when I was a maiko, they had these in every room where I performed for my patron. And they'd pay me depending on the number of the _senko-dokei_ consumed while I was with him. Or rather, they didn't pay me at all, but the owner of the teahouse which accepted me as a spy..." Akiha smiled. It was a pale, sad, but very charming smile; such rare smile which most men could not resist since it wasn't meant to beguile.

Hijikata narrowed his lids, looking at her from above the rim of his cup, "I haven't heard you sing for a while. Why haven't you sung for me?"

"Ah, I didn't have the time, don't you remember?" She replied. "Everyone was intent upon accusing me of treason."

"And before that?"

"Before that I was asked to sing for the poor doomed souls whom you and Kondou condemned to death. I wasn't in the mood." Akiha's cheeks were flustered, black eyes flashed fire and he took note of her expression with a look of strange satisfaction on his face. "Weren't you at least slightly relieved when you realized you wouldn't need to behead me? If I demand a little gratitude, am I being unreasonably – or worse, utterly whimsically! - selfish? Am I..."

"That's not gratitude?" He interrupted her calmly, but his conceit was gone. "If you were a samurai, you'd need no explanation. But you're not, you're a faithful enthusiastic girl. It was a gesture of respect I had for your character and resolve. The traitors you entertained got less than you did and yet you want more... You have too much fire in your personality, that's your problem. I didn't invite you here after a long week to hear you yell."

Sometimes she wished he weren't a samurai or at least did not put as much emphasis on his duties, but hadn't he already told her once that she would feel that way and hadn't she already promised him, with undue haste, that she would not demand such sacrifice from him? What was fire a moment ago sizzled like dying coals. Akiha cast down her eyes, crushed with guilt.

"I'll sing you a song," she then proclaimed, smiling. "I'll sing you a very beautiful song, like a song of rain droplets on the glass." It seemed to her that she would do anything to dispel his boredom and to change the subject of this loathsome conversation.

His features softened, he looked utterly at peace with himself. "Sing something about Fuji mountain for me."

"._..__Hey, ho!__  
__You can see the mountain now!__  
__Look,__  
__The mist on Asahi Mountain!__  
__Is Mount Fuji of Suruga__  
__So much better?__  
__Is Mount Fuji of Suruga__  
__So much better?_

_On the waves__  
__That wash Kojima__  
__On the waves__  
__That wash Kojima__  
__Send down__  
__Moon light__  
__Send down__  
__Moon light..."_

He sat seiza-style on the tatami and he tilted his head somewhat, with undeniable grace, and a stray lock of raven-black hair fell across his forehead – he was truly beautiful like that, like an actor, worthy of another photograph.

"..._The rolling waves,__  
__The rolling waves...__  
__Tame them__  
__With wicker weirs__  
__And stop__  
__The water's flow,__  
__And stop__  
__The water's flow..__."_

Akiha glanced at Hijikata and something in his expression alarmed her. "Did you not like it?"

"What is it? What's not to like? The song? No, I liked it all right..."

"Then why do you look at me as if... I can't describe it! Like you're looking at me now..."

"It reminds me of something... something I thought I had forgotten a long time ago."

Suddenly she felt uncomfortable, as if it was wrong to inquire further. "Would you like to hear another one?" She whispered.

He set the cup aside with a distinct thud, "In the Tama region, we used to hold a festival to which we gave a name, Festival of Darkness. There would be music and dancing and at the end, when the night fell, participants would choose a woman they wanted to sleep with for just that one night. That's the nature of that festival."

He extinguished the light and led her to the adjacent room, his gestures leaving her no room for doubt about his intentions, but she did not resist. They would have eventually slept with each other and that night wasn't any different, for better or worse, than any other. "Is tonight the night of that festival?" Akiha inquired in a whisper as he embraced her. In a thin streak of moonlight, his long hair assumed a deep blue tinge as it fell onto his shoulders when she undid the band. It should happen like that, a simple, formal act of surrender. When he lifted her kimono, his fingers on her skin burnt. "No, 'twas in May, but it might as well be that night," he replied, his lips kissing a small groove on her neck.

Hijikata simplified the task for her by undoing his obi and then hers. She lay down and he lay down by her side; she decided she'd watch his hair because it was fascinating, or his face. Everything about the act of love making was foreign to her; confusing, frightening but exciting. She laughed quietly when his hand slipped between her legs. "I'm ticklish," she explained, squirming and trapping his fingers. "You're just like a kid," Hijikata teased her, not letting her turn away from him in embarrassment. He was warm and she slipped into the warmth of his caress, his embrace, and soon she felt nothing but warmth, within her and without her. And even the moon hid from shame although they were not the only lovers it spied on through the uncurtained windows that night.

...After they made love, as she lay, shallow breaths struggling to escape her lips, thinking that it wasn't as frightening or confusing as she imagined, he leaned to her and covered her mouth with his. He kissed her slowly, but forcefully, like he made love to her before and she slowly stroked his scarred hand which rested on her chest. Hitherto he never kissed her.

It meant something if a man kissed a woman, didn't it?

* * *

*_chudan_ and _jodan _– chudan-no-kamae, or middle posture, and upper posture respectively. From what I gathered, even in not so casual conversation, the 'kamae' part of the name, which literally means posture/base, was omitted. When I write battles, I do not use these specific names, just middle/lower postures and whatnot, because even the names of initial postures from which the techniques were executed will be confusing.

**_kissaki_ – katana's tip


End file.
